| Mr. Mom |
| …was forced to return to the preferred traditional methods. In Jo-Jo’s formative years, it had served as a playpen, in more ways than one, as Luke was the sitter. Elijah was not pleased about his pick-up and … |
|
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| rfowkes |
| ...decided to get a bit of revenge for his loss. This was a job for "The Ice Man" who was ready to exact vengence for Elijah as soon as he finished taking care of business. As he rose from his throne... |
|
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| Mr. Mom |
| …Goldilocks happened by and wanted to know if it was just right. The Ice Man had not a clue what she meant so he… |
|
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| rfowkes |
| ...proceeded to continue to assemble a revenge team, each of whom was skillful in a particular area. First up was Leroy "Baby Face" Bollocks who would charm you with cuteness while pounding your toes into the pavement with his Ball Peen. Then there was... |
|
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| Mr. Mom |
| …crybaby Schultz, who didn’t get the new bike he expected. Then there was…. |
|
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| rfowkes |
| ...Dan "Carrot Nose" Bronstein, who did things with vegetables to various apertures of your body that you wouldn't soon forget. Next came... |
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| Mr. Mom |
The whistler who’s mother hired a wet nurse the first day home from the hospital. In fact “the whistler” had a rather bad habit of biting and soon much of the house was gone. Meanwhile…
(Mr. Mom is off on another adventure for two weeks; leave the light on for me.)
:cool: |
|
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| rfowkes |
...on the other side of town The Triplets of Bozeman, the most feared group of baby hitmen in the Northwest were sleeping off their latest Brew Binge. As soon as they joined forces with Elijah's other mercenaries this would create a task force that would make Luke tremble in his Timberlands. With his game plan in place, Elijah decided to...
(Have a good one, Mr. Mom. There'll be a mint waiting on the pillow for your return.) |
|
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| Mr. Mom |
| …see if the iceman would melt under pressure. He hired the best deicer in town and soon found out that the iceman … |
|
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| rfowkes |
...had a history of having his way with cold women. In fact there was ample evidence that he was something of a player and was known around town as "The Igloo Gigilo." Most folks didn't take kindly to his public displays of frozen delight so they...
(welcome back, Mr. Mom) |
|
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| Mr. Mom |
| ..got the bright idea of making exact replicas of the Igloo Gigolo and sold them as a party favors at bachelorette parties. The only problem was the girls always chipped off the "hog leg" first so that ... |
|
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| rfowkes |
| ...there was never enough to go around. Others were so mad at the "Arctic Antics" that they showed their displeasure in rather obvious ways. This caused the town constable to... |
|
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| Mr. Mom |
| …bust Elijah with Goldie locks at the drive-in. It seemed that it was the middle of the day and rather obvious what was going on. Elijah tried to explain that he was only checking Goldie for…. |
|
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| rfowkes |
| ...a severe case of "pencil nipple" - something quite prevalent in colder climates. As a certified Freeziologist, Elijah felt that it was his duty to... |
|
|
| Mr. Mom |
| …help out the working mothers by applying some relief in the form of his “wet nurse casual Fridays” appliances. The good Doctor found that most employers were eager to promote his idea and… |
|
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| rfowkes |
| ...everything was going along "swimmingly" until the Bongo Sisters walked through the good doctor's door. Needless to say he was never the same after than and wound up... |
|
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| Mr. Mom |
| …being Ron Popeil’s assistant on TV. After being vacuum sealed for the Army with one of Ron’s new inventions in an attempt to see if they could get more than one soldier in a body bag, he…. |
|
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| rfowkes |
| ...wound up in Cambodia, being carried across a rice field. Unfortunately for Elijah, the mode of transportation was somewhat crude and it developed a problem so he found himself quickly sinking in a quagmire of foul smelling liquid. Luckily, at the last moment... |
|
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| Mr. Mom |
| ..Jackie turned up after being MIA from their old unit. Looking rather well for being lost for thirty four years, she demanded that Elijah …. |
|
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| rfowkes |
| ...join her for a bit of hanky panky on the nearest rice paddy. However, a couple of the locals let the amorous couple know what they thought of this promiscuous activity. Nevertheless... |
|
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| Mr. Mom |
| …Jackie waited until they were in their old hangout, the “fortune cookie” where she played their favorite song, “Ruby, don’t take you love to town”. Elijah’s swizzle stick… |
|
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| rfowkes |
| ...in the meantime, was poised and ready to be pleasured by one of the local girls who kept insisting, "Yankee, I make you berry, berry happy!" She offered the traditional Asian "Flower Tongue" technique which was uncharted territory for Elijah. He eagerly... |
|
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| Mr. Mom |
| …anticipated the new technique about to be bestowed upon him, however, looking through the smokey window was Spanky, who knew that the customer was about to enter the 7th dimension and so he… |
|
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| rfowkes |
| ...quickly shifted gears before Spanky could hook him (Elijah) up with his sister Darwina. As he rushed from the "Fortune Cookie," Elijah looked back and saw... |
|
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| Mr. Mom |
| …that Jo-Jo had tracked him down and was providing a way out of the country for him. Their next stop was…. |
|
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| rfowkes |
| ...at Dom Deluise's house to see if he would pack a couple of bag lunches for the trip ahead. Dom was very candid with Elijah and told him what he could do with his plan. Therefore, Elijah turned to Plan B which involved... |
|
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| Mr. Mom |
| …a rather risky way to leave quickly. Elijah found out that the military had left a top secret tank detachment lead by Robert McNamara who had developed a tank silencer capable of delivering a human to London with a parachute to land with. It was a rather masculine looking device and reminded Elijah of …. |
|
|
| rfowkes |
| ...cousin Dickie's nose. Dickie used to be in a band with his friends Ricardo and Richie. It was known as "Two Richards and a Dick" and played all the elegant saloons in Butte. Unfortunately, one night one of the local lassies decided to blow Dickie's nose and the result was... |
|
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| Mr. Mom |
| …a rather strange transformation into a kind of Vulcan appearance. It seems that the cowgirl sneezed when doing Dick, mainly because the bottle of 3.2 beer she was use to had been replaced with 151 rum. Meanwhile… |
|
|
| rfowkes |
| ...outside in the playground Evel Knievel III was practicing a few moves in preparation for a jump across the Anaconda Pit. Little did he know that... |
|
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| Mr. Mom |
| ..it was a pit and not a snake. Meanwhile DaleB had just finished installing his new subwoofer system. “Young whippersnappers” he said, “I’ll show them bass”. He put Elvis’s Hunk of Burning Love on the CD and headed down to LaLa land and…. |
|
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| rfowkes |
| ...the next thing he knew, a sudden blast of "Woofer Wind" caused him to lose control and hit a Cactus outside of Tucson. Luckily, some fellow car audio enthusiasts came to his aid and... |
|
|
| Mr. Mom |
| ..before DaleB knew it, he was back on the right track. He had taken a wrong turn in Bakersfield and was so engrossed with hearing Gerry Lee sing “Great Balls of Fire” that .. |
|
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| rfowkes |
| ...he never noticed all those state troopers gathered at the donut shop, whizzing by in excess of 95 miles per hour with all speakers blaring in a "no noise" district. The next thing he knew, DaleB was spread-eagled across the hood of his vehicle as the officers told him to... |
|
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| Mr. Mom |
| …blow into the alcohol tester. He had managed to chew a dozen sin-sins so he passed and was cut loose with a warning. I’m just high on the new tunes, DaleB muttered and turned on his Passport and eased it up to 100mph with Humble Pie’s “I don’t need no Doctor” on the repeat button. Then… |
|
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| rfowkes |
| ...he continued down the road. All of a sudden the skies opened up and it rained like there was no tomorrow. Not being aware of the meaning of "flash floods possible: Do not enter in event of heavy downpours" DaleB ventured onward and soon found himself... |
|
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| Mr. Mom |
| …stopping to help out the lady in distress. The little misses better not find out about this thought DaleB. The girl got a load of his new woofers and asked if he had any Commander Cody to which he replied… |
|
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| rfowkes |
| ...that he didn't but that he'd like to share his fruit salad with her in that special way that he learned while in the rest home. The little lady thanked him but opted to... |
|
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| Mr. Mom |
| … be let off at the next signal. Mr. B was no fool and knew when to cut bait. In fact, it seemed to take quite lot to get himself to rise to the bait too. Anyway, as he pulled over assumingly to let the lass out, he reached for the duck tape stashed under his seat, and…. |
|
|
| rfowkes |
| ...that's when he realized there was only one foolproof way to dispose of the evidence without the missus suspecting anything. After a bit of a struggle to get all the pieces to fit, Dale headed off to the post office when all of a sudden... |
|
|
| Mr. Mom |
| …he looked in his rearview mirror and saw he had picked up a tail. Jeezs, it’s that Evel Knievel III moron, and he’s starting to bring me down, thought Mr. B. I’ll just hit the brake and see what happens…. |
|
|
| rfowkes |
| ...and as he applied the brakes he happened to notice that he was passing a very provocative intersection so DaleB lost all control, both physically and mentally, and the next thing he knew he was... |
|
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| Mr. Mom |
| …on top of a truck which was transporting one of the jet engines headed to Lockheed Martian for assembly. Hot damn, the boys will start the rumor mill going now thought Mr.B. There goes the pension, all because of that darn MDX.org bunch talking me into those teenage woofers. Meanwhile back at the… |
|
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| rfowkes |
| (I'll be back in a few days. No access to high speed lines and pictoral content is agonizingly slow. Hold down the fort, Mr. Mom) |
|
|
| rfowkes |
...farm the roosters were watching a little reality TV. All of a sudden...
(I'm back for a few days then off again for two weeks or so) |
|
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| Mr. Mom |
…Marge walked in with a piece of chicken that looked exactly like Penny, the missing hen. A hushed silence fell upon the room as…
(Hope your having some fun along the way!) |
|
|
| rfowkes |
| ...they all realized that Mickey D was obviously up to no good. Dale suggested that they hightail it down to the Hong Kong Gardens for lunch instead, since the food quality was more reliable. Imagine their surprise when they finished off a plate of General Tso's Chicken and were greeted with an ominous message in the fortune cookies. This caused... |
|
|
| Mr. Mom |
| …a shout from their window table, overlooking the ally, made the other patrons take a closer look at their complimentary platter of Half Moon in the River. Little did the customers know it meant “outhouse under water” and what floated up was the special of the day. This caused… |
|
|
| rfowkes |
| ...everyone and everything in the restaurant, including the table centerpieces, to get sick to their stomachs. The Board of Health was called and... |
|
|
| Mr. Mom |
| ..it was off to the hoosegow for the cooks. Waiting for the culprits were the famous M&M’s as they had been nicknamed by… |
|
|
| rfowkes |
| ...their fellow inmates, but the real excitement at the prison involved anticipating the arrival of the notorious "GBB" who had been caught while trying to emasculate Ken with a 45. The warden announced... |
|
|
| laborlitigator |
| everyone in cell block "F" would be interviewed regarding the . . . |
|
|
| rfowkes |
| ...recent theft of some chocolates from Forest Gump's candy box. Nobody was saying a word when suddenly... |
|
|
| Mr. Mom |
| …Hector, the enforcer, told Martha, in no uncertain terms, to fork over the rest of the candy just as… |
|
|
| rfowkes |
| ...Omar the Tent Maker was questioning another suspect out back. Finally, the Sheriff arrived on the scene and proceeded to... |
|
|
| Mr. Mom |
| ….act out a fantasy of his after watching aljazeera news on the telle. His wish for some heads to roll was …. |
|
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| rfowkes |
| ...briefly interrupted when George Dubya flew overhead and expressed his displeasure with Omar and with all towelheads in general. Suddenly... |
|
|
| Mr. Mom |
| …the Manchurian candidate popped up with a stinger. His uniform had an old nametag with the words McCain on it. Then…. |
|
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| andreseng |
| the friendly fire hit a passing passive zeppelin, damn, there's that guy again, McCain thought to himself, "If only I could have hit him", Flabergasted he quickly reloaded and..... |
|
|
| Mr. Mom |
| ..formed a mental picture of the practice range where he had been taught to shoot. Then he took a deep breath and… |
|
|
| andreseng |
| closed his eyes, upon reopening he was shocked to see Mr Wheel O standing there. This confused him so much that he........ |
|
|
| Mr. Mom |
| …decided to get a drink and calm down. However, upon entering the local watering hole he had to question his eyes once again when… |
|
|
| laborlitigator |
| a 3 legged dog said the following. . . |
|
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| rfowkes |
..."I'm aiming to get myself some pussy. Can anyone here hook me up?"
DaleB and Omar were more than willing to oblige, but somehow the canine was less than satisfied with the result. He took out his anger by... |
|
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| Mr. Mom |
| gnawing on the porker. Fido was tired of humping hogs and longed for the leaner *****es. So, next time… |
|
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| rfowkes |
...to avoid such problems, he opted to ask for a blowjob instead. Once again, DaleB and Omar agreed to set him up, and once again the horny hound didn't get exactly what he wanted. So, in frustration, he decided to...
(Mr. Mom, et. al. - hold down the fort. My Internet access will be severely limited for the next 2 weeks or so. I'll be looking when possible, but probably not contributing too much. Carry on.) |
|
|
| Mr. Mom |
| …have a few beers and wait by the phone for more action. After a half rack of bud, he was out cold and…… |
|
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| rfowkes |
| ...dead to the world. Meanwhile his canine companion was all ears and couldn't wait for the phone to ring. When it finally did... |
|
|
| Mr. Mom |
| ….it was the vet wanting to fix the “mounting” problems fido was having. Omar’s pant legs were getting thread bare from the attention they were receiving from the dog, so |
|
|
| rfowkes |
| ...he decided to try a new tactic with Fido. Disguising the animal so that he wouldn't know which end was which, Omar thought that this would keep the mutt otherwise occupied. To his surprise... |
|
|
| Mr. Mom |
| …Omar’s first born, Boo Boo, tried to give Fido a treat only to discover that Fido didn’t snap it up as usual. The lad thought that was funny and decided to have a taste himself only to…. |
|
|
| rfowkes |
| ...discover that not everything about a puppy is warm and fuzzy. At least Boo-Boo hadn't made the mistake that cousin Akim had on a visit to Yellowstone Park. He had tried a similar maneuver on a Grizzly Bear and to this day neither hide nor hair of Akim has been found. While the family was distraught they took solace in the fact that Akim had... |
|
|
| Mr. Mom |
| …shown the bears proper hygiene. The cubs were fast learners and before long, … |
|
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| rfowkes |
| ...they were so tired from practicing good hygiene, safe sex, etc. that they didn't have time to attack the general human populace. With the problem of animal attacks solved, it was time for our cast of characters to move on and... |
|
|
| Mr. Mom |
| …so it was Fido who took control and headed for….. |
|
|
| rfowkes |
| ...the trail, taking most of the other townsfolk with him. Even Slow Bill tried to join the caravan. Unfortunately, his choice of vehicle resulted in him not being able to keep up with the group. But, undaunted he decided to... |
|
|
| Mr. Mom |
| ..get a ride with a stranger who kept telling Bill he’d hit it. Bill later found out it meant that he would…. |
|
|
| rfowkes |
| ...have to assume the lead in the revival of Gulliver's Travels to be presented during the upcoming Republican Convention in New York City. As attractive as that sounded, Bill thought that he better... |
|
|
| Mr. Mom |
| …not get involved with such a risky venture. The convention already had enough entertainment lined up with the main attraction already in place. There was… |
|
|
| rfowkes |
| ...the "homage to the all mighty dollar" ritual, and, of course, the interesting post-9/11 screening techinique for all delegates. Then there was... |
|
|
| Mr. Mom |
| …one key note speaker who rallied the southern boys with some voodoo about Elvis. There would be …. |
|
|
| rfowkes |
| ...many other unusual events scheduled for the Republican National Convention, but probably nothing more unusual than the special chair being constructed to hold Rush Limbaugh's fat ass (and pumpkin sized head). Workers were brought in from all over to see that everything was proceeding smoothly. Then all of a sudden... |
|
|
| Mr. Mom |
| …two old friends of Colon showed up and showed him exactly where the WMD were at. Colon decided he had better disarm them himself and proceeded to the nearest motel 6 for the exercise. Meanwhile… |
|
|
| rfowkes |
| ...the RNC was busy preparing Dubya's private suite and seeing to it that he would have all the privacy he needed, while having an ability to relax a bit at the same time. When Laura saw the preparations she... |
|
|
| Mr. Mom |
| …told Dubya that Colin had a much bigger pickle than the average white guy. In fact, this was how Laura got her nickname and also… |
|
|
| rfowkes |
...the reason that the first lady was known in some circles as "Old Toilet Face." Of course, there was another opinion that the nickname didn't stem from Laura's sexual exploits but actually came from the weird nasal hygiene that she practiced.
Whatever. One thing for sure, the Republican Convention in NYC was sure to... |
|
|
| andreseng |
| have plenty of tasty treats available. And if these weren't to the liking of the Grand Old Party then surely...... |
|
|
| Mr. Mom |
| …read you your rights under the Geneva Convention rules. Rummy, who has not been seen much lately, issued the orders to… |
|
|
| rfowkes |
| ...send in Moishe "Super Jew" Brectman, who was known to be particularly facile in the art of extracting information from towelheads. Not wanting to appear "politically incorrect," Mrs. Dubya... |
|
|
| Mr. Mom |
| …wore her best storm trooper boots along with the black persuader night stick. Meanwhile back at the Crawford Ranch…. |
|
|
| rfowkes |
| Dubya was taking his new mountain bike out for a spin. As with all things, he really didn't show any aptitude for this endeavor and the result was that he broke his... |
|
|
| Mr. Mom |
| ..front tooth. Later they found out about the damage to his brain affecting his scruples. The RNC was in full party mode when… |
|
|
| rfowkes |
| ...the caterer showed up with the "novelty fruit" for the welcoming party of the convention. While Dubya was pleased on several levels, including the ability to eat with his broken tooth, others pointed out that... |
|
|
| Mr. Mom |
| ..the greeting of dignitaries he had learned from McGreevey was not proper but Dubya pointed out it would get the black and gay vote and so… |
|
|
| rfowkes |
| ...he vowed to continue his "funny handshake" until he was told otherwise. Besides, he had learned this move during his college days at Yale when he was engaged in some extracurricular activity with the dean's wife and had to resort to some evasive action to avoid detection. Old Tabby in the room downstairs had administered "the move" which made him feel very good, and he felt (no pun intended) that this was a nice way to greet people. If it was good enough for Tabby, it was good enough for Dubya. Unfortunately... |
|
|
| Mr. Mom |
| …one of the young republicans tried to impress the dignitaries by showing them the “Bush-Vulcan Hand Melt” maneuver he had learned from the Commander in Chief and got a bad reaction from the Slovenia president. However… |
|
|
| rfowkes |
| ...this didn't stop others from mimicking this maneuver. In fact some of the most famous screen idols started adopting the "Bush Vulcan Hand Melt" as their own - sometimes in multiple fashion. In response, Slovenia sent an envoy to deal with the situation by... |
|
|
| Mr. Mom |
| ..opening up a branch office of the First SPERM Bank of Slovenia. Actually they were in cahoots with the Homeland Security Branch as a way to get the DNA data base on track. Meanwhile… |
|
|
| rfowkes |
| ...members of the RNC were busy blowing up balloons in preparation for today's opening ceremonies at the convention. Imagine their surprise when it was discovered that the balloon shipment had gotten mixed up with some that were supposed to be sent to the President Clinton White House Aides Annual Reunion Bash. Interesetingly, that group received the RNC shipment which consisted of... |
|
|
| Mr. Mom |
| ..look- alike balloons of Sharon and King Faisal. This proved to bamboozle the membership of the GOP as to who to blow first. One of the hospitality crew tried to demonstrate her ability with bubble gum and defused the … |
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