| Mr. Mom |
| …Caesar just chilled out completely and became a lounge lizard. His boozing was becoming an embarrassment to… |
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| rfowkes |
| ...the others at his beach club so they had no choice to ban him from most outdoor recreational activities. The townsfolk quickly posted signs in a way that even Caesar would understand. Because of this... |
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| Mr. Mom |
| …Caesar decided to contact Sir Mortimer who was in the Mayflower Society and was held in the highest esteem by cat clubs in the area. Caesar knew if Mortimer vowed for him that.. |
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| rfowkes |
| ...all would be forgiven. Unfortunately, Sir Mortimer had a few family skeletons of his own in his closet. First there was Tiny, who drank too much and was always, as they say, "in his cups." Then there was... |
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| Mr. Mom |
| …Oliver, who liked to sing all night to the full moon. And of course there was… |
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| rfowkes |
| ...Ester, who thought she was a member of the Williams clan, rather than a feline. This was followed by... |
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| Mr. Mom |
| ….Robert De Deer chaser who loved a good chase. The outcome wasn’t pretty and…. |
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| rfowkes |
...when all was said and done he had bagged another venison.
However, one day he ran into the infamous, rare and very mean ZebraRamtaroo and, unfortunately for Robert... |
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| Mr. Mom |
| …he was caught with Ben’s pants down and couldn’t give chase. This was for the best because… |
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| rfowkes |
| ...it was either that or becoming a stand-in for the next Jet Li movie and Robert never had much luck with sharp things. In fact... |
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| Mr. Mom |
| …Caesar and Mortimer had told him a story when they were in the circus about an accident involving… |
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| rfowkes |
| ...a group of diverse animals, but nothing could beat the Mama and Son gorilla team with the "pull my Mama's Teat" act in the circus side show. One day, unexpectedly... |
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| Mr. Mom |
| ...while the girls were out sunbathing, little orange peel (baby gorilla) started to play his game on the felines. The girls were … |
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| rfowkes |
| ...initially repulsed, but then realized that he was merely trying to fit in. All his life he had to sit sadly on the sidelines and this was his attempt to be "one of the cats." Accordingly... |
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| Mr. Mom |
| ….there was a problem when one of Signor Mohammed Tanenbaum’s creations came to visit orange peel. The little guy….. |
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| rfowkes |
| ...was so confused that he fainted. Luckily, an examination showed that the little fella was merely suffering from "multiple mammalia syndrome" and that the best course of action would be to... |
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| Mr. Mom |
| …take a lesson from clock work orange and let the little ape get his fell of knockers. And so…. |
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| rfowkes |
...that's how Baby Simian found himself interviewing candidates for personal nursemaid. Little did he know that it would kill him.
:2: :2:
Meanwhile, back in Montana, Knee and family were preparing for... |
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| Mr. Mom |
| …the winter ice sculpture contest. This year theme was a personal favorite of Knee’s and he especially ….. |
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| rfowkes |
| ...liked the annual "Wake The Polar Bear" contest, although it tended to thin out the penguin population each time it was held. Also... |
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| Mr. Mom |
| …there was the survival training course which was required for all kids to pass elementary school, combat fatigues getting extra credit. Also … |
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| rfowkes |
| ...popular was the parking competition that always provided a lot of insight. Then there was... |
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| Mr. Mom |
| …the “look what the cat dragged home” contest which was always a crowd pleaser around thanksgiving. Next came …. |
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| rfowkes |
| ...the annual "Stonehenge Look-alike" competition, which local entrant Lucus Teasdale won with a bunch of old jalopies and a couple of cans of spray paint from the local WalMart. This was followed by... |
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| Mr. Mom |
| …the “Friends Reunion” after the cast spent the winter at the Whitefish Montana Lodge. Next came.... |
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| rfowkes |
| ...the Flathead Lake Beanpole toss, whereby local teams would throw a nerd as far as they could into the water. It didn't matter that the water was ice cold in December, since the townsfolk had long since lost all feeling in every part of their body. In fact... |
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| Mr. Mom |
| …happy hour at Jim-Bob’s lakeside “Bucket of Suds” was where the locals went to escape the cold. Next came…. |
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| rfowkes |
| ...the "Ride the Shark" competition. Funny, no one ever won that event and locals couldn't figure out if it was because of the danger of the accomplishment or the fact that there were very few sharks in Flathead Lake, especially in December! Anyway... |
|
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| Mr. Mom |
| …the quickest to cross the lake contest was usually won by Big Ed’s Snowmobile Shop; however do to the greenhouse gas effect, this years winner was some Englishman on his way to the north pole. Next was the….. |
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| rfowkes |
| ...Funniest Schoolbus Competition, which was won for the tenth year in a row by the Haskell family. After that... |
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| Mr. Mom |
| …the fastest to get out of the state prize went to Rev. Johnny Wad’s daughter, Iva, who set a new county record. Next up came… |
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| rfowkes |
| ...the annual Fast Food Festival, whereby residents tried to come up with the most original use of any fast food logo. Once again, Little Missy Mayblow from Missoula, Montana took top honors. The previous year she had sucked a tennis ball through 75 feet of 3/4 inch hose and this time she made Ronald very happy. for her efforts... |
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| Mr. Mom |
| ….Ms. Blowmore got to put her lips around the biggest Braunschweiger she had ever had the privilege of seeing. Next came…. |
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| rfowkes |
| ...Winona from Whitefish, who had intended to show off some great acrobatic ballet moves in the buff. Unfortunately, she inadvertently douched with crazy glue that morning and suffered an embarassing adhesion to the floor in the gymnasium at Great Falls High School when she accidentally slipped during her routine. As 2000 spectators watched in shock... |
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| Mr. Mom |
| …Winona was raised from the floor with the use of a donated hammock and a spatula from the crew at McDucks. She was taken back to whitefish for R&R. Meanwhile… |
|
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| rfowkes |
| ...her sister, Wendy, was having mammary problems of her own while on a field trip to the big city. While on the observation desk she had an irresistable urge to show what she had to the amazement and amusement of the onlookers. Funny thing about the girls... |
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| Mr. Mom |
| …they didn’t like topless dancers because they were cheap, but they didn’t mind showing off to girls gone wild in Butte. In fact Emma had such…. |
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| rfowkes |
| ...fondness of home town hero Evel Knievel, that she couldn't pass by a four way intersection without attempting to leap over the street signs with her station wagon. Needless to say, even though she was blessed with bodacious ta-tas, Emma wasn't a favorite of Butte's law enforcement authorities. In fact... |
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| Mr. Mom |
| …Butte’s police chief had special signals erected to slow down Emma’s need for speed. They went so far over budget that….. |
|
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| rfowkes |
| ...Butte had to severely cut back on traditional Yuletide expenditures to cover the overruns. For one thing, they couldn't afford to rent a reindeer from Bucky's animal farm but had to settle for Bucky's dim-witted nephew, Waldo, playing the part of Rudolph for the Christmas Pagent. Then... |
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| Mr. Mom |
| ….to everyone’s shock, Santa got so depressed he decided to check out. Luckily…. |
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| 04mdx4sq |
| ...he thought about all of the children and how sad they would be if he was no longer around. He decided a better way to deal with his problems would be..... |
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| 04mdx4sq |
| ...to relax and read some letters from children. He sat back and opened the first letter. After reading his first letter from little Johnny, he.... |
|
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| rfowkes |
| ...realized that there was only one way to deal with complaints from children, so he made a mental note to order 6 billion devices that he had seen at last year's XMASDEX show to include in all the boys' and girls' stockings in 2005. That ought to nip a lot of problems in the bud. Of course, it might also... |
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| Mr. Mom |
| lead to other problems which Santa didn’t want to think about right now. Anyway maybe a lump of coal would ……… |
|
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| rfowkes |
| ...be a simpler solution, because, as the saying goes, when you build a better mousetrap you will encounter a smarter mouse. In any event, Santa was approaching the last week of his annual preparations so he decided to... |
|
|
| Mr. Mom |
| ….drop in on two of his helpers for a chat. They were playing with a large candy cane and…. |
|
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| rfowkes |
| ...took some time out from their busy schedule to honor a previous commitment to pose for a new cereal being introduced in the new year. Then it was back to business and... |
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| Mr. Mom |
| …getting the toys ready for JL889’s AcuraMDX.org Secret Santa 2005. Next came the…. |
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| rfowkes |
| ...annual pre-Christmas dinner where the local Elks Club always invited Santa and the animals for some good old-fashioned western hospitality and vittles. Unfortunately, once again Willard (in the plaid jacket) commited his usual faux pas and startled the honored guest with his order. Santa and the boys stormed out and... |
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| Mr. Mom |
| ….Santa lit up a big fatty and thought about how to get even with Mr. Plaid Jacket Willard. He decided to… |
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| rfowkes |
| ...start off with a tried and true technique that had gotten results in the past. If that didn't work... |
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| Mr. Mom |
| …Santa’s old pal sparkie would be happy to get revenge for a fellow animal. And if that didn’t do the trick….. |
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| rfowkes |
| ...Santa was prepared to take more drastic action. The Old Bearded One had proven in the past to be a tough taskmaster. There was the time when Rudolph tried to lead a reindeer revolt. Needless to say, Santa took care of business and Rudy was soon sleeping with the fishes. Then there was the time that... |
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| Mr. Mom |
| …Santa’s little helper, gave him a present of Dawn Jackie, who really wanted to see Santa come down the chimney. After that…. |
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| DaleB |
Santa goes down his first chimney to find :
A beautiful 'innocent' young lady who wants to meet Santa Claus so she puts on a robe and stays up late on Christmas Eve. Santa arrives, climbs down the chimney, and begins filling the stockings. He is about to leave when the girl, who happens to be a gorgeous brunette, says in a sexy voice, "Oh Santa, please stay. Keep the chill away."
Santa replies, "HO HO HO, Gotta go, gotta go...Gotta get the presents to the children, you know."
The girl drops the robe to reveal a sexy bra and panties and says in an even sexier voice, "Oh Santa, don't run a mile; just stay for awhile."
Santa begins to sweat but replies, "HO HO HO, Gotta go, gotta go. Gotta get the presents to the children, you know."
The girl takes off her bra and says, "Oh Santa...Please...Stay."
Santa wipes his brow but replies, "HO HO HO, Gotta go, gotta go. Gotta get the presents to the children, you know."
She loses the panties and says, "Oh Santa....Please...Stay..."
Santa, with sweat pouring off his brow, says, "HEY HEY HEY. Gotta stay, gotta stay. Can't get up the chimney with my pecker this way!!!" |
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| rfowkes |
| ...and lifting a finger aside of his nose, up the chimney he rose, only to be greeted with Osama Bean Laden, who was hiding there. The resulting confrontation... |
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| Mr. Mom |
| …started another war, just who was at fault I’m not sure, but after thirty some years, we're friends with Vietnam once more. Meanwhile… |
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| rfowkes |
| ...back on another front, the interim government had just put the finishing touches on the new map. This led to... |
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| Mr. Mom |
| …a little disagreement between the USA and Brittan regarding who was to get the oil revenue. In the end… |
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| rfowkes |
| ...everything worked out satisfactorily and a giant pizza party was held in the Gulf on an airraft carrier. While the Yanks and Brits were celebrating... |
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| Mr. Mom |
| …Santa was getting treats from an admirer of his. He really liked the… |
|
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| rfowkes |
| ...way his helper complimented him, especially when she remarked that he was much better than her self-cleaning toilet paper. In fact... |
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| Mr. Mom |
| …she told a few of her friends about Santa’s lively tongue and a few others tried to trick Old Nick …… |
|
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| rfowkes |
| ...but he wasn't falling for any of this. In fact, one lady in Duluth, Minnesota tried to flag down Santa in a most unusual manner. And another... |
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| Mr. Mom |
| …group of girls just about rubbed his nose in it. However he managed not to …. |
|
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| rfowkes |
| ...get distracted and ordered some chinese takeout for himself. Then... |
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| Mr. Mom |
| …he heard a funny sound outside his window which sounded like Frosty calling out for help. Santa couldn’t believe his eyes at what he saw next….. |
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| rfowkes |
| ...Gay Gary, dressed in holiday finery, ran through the door yelling, "He's mine! He's Mine!!" and proceeded to grab Frosty and... |
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| Mr. Mom |
| …things started to get a little ugly. Gay Gary and Santa “Potato Head” Jackson were headed to the balcony with one of the children who were asking for a gift from Santa and… |
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| rfowkes |
| ...the next thing that anyone knew, PseudoSanta had stolen the kid's Christmas Tricycle gift and was heading down the highway away from Santa Barbara with the police in close pursuit. All of a sudden... |
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| Mr. Mom |
| ….the graduating class of 04 decided to stop this Pseudo Santa before anyone got hurt. They….. |
|
|
| rfowkes |
| ...figured that the best way to do this would be to plaster his face everywhere so that people from all walks of life would be on the alert. Traditional bulletin boards would be of little value at this time of the year so the decision was made to create a new currency that would get their point across. As soon as the U.S. mint started circulating the new currency... |
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|
| Mr. Mom |
| …..the child lover was rounded up by the ever diligent Portland PD. He was tried in Coos Bay were the jury of stevedores and loggers had little sympathy for Santa’s talent and so…. |
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| rfowkes |
| ...he spent the next month in the lock up. During that time he was able to release a Christmas Album among other things, which also included... |
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| Mr. Mom |
| …a remake of the Beatles which included himself as the fifth member. Meanwhile, the real Santa was…. |
|
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| rfowkes |
| ...taking a small break before The Big Day for his annual checkup. Once this was done he... |
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| Mr. Mom |
| …he finished trimming the tree and he made a few final …. |
|
|
| rfowkes |
| ...trips to visit Trixie, his favorite elf, after which he... |
|
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| Mr. Mom |
| ….paid a visit to Mrs. Claus’s chimney. Then it was off to…. |
|
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| rfowkes |
| ...take care of some last minute business. Unfortunately, Santa didn't look both ways before crossing the street and tragedy struck! What would happen on Saturday Night? Luckily... |
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| Mr. Mom |
| …the night nurses were on duty at the North Pole Hospital to bring Santa back to life. With only two days left until the big night, ….. |
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| rfowkes |
| ...Santa realized that it would take a lot of TLC to get him back into the sled, much less back into the saddle. At least Santa didn't have the problems that his hospital roommate, Mr. Jones, was facing. Fortunately... |
|
|
| Mr. Mom |
| …Mr. Jones didn’t have to have the post op procedure Mr. Smith had. His insurance wouldn’t pay for anything but outpatient surgery and so after his spinal tap he was told to lay very still. Mrs. Smith was thrilled to help out. Meanwhile… |
|
|
| rfowkes |
| ...other patients in the hospital were being looked at by their doctors. Mr. Trainer was a little hard of hearing, and... |
|
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| Mr. Mom |
| ...then Bertha arrived to give Santa his sponge bath, but once she started she seemed more interested in her own grooming than anything else. Next up was…… |
|
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| rfowkes |
| ...the hospital rumor mill which, as usual, didn't get all the facts straight. In fact... (no pun intended)... |
|
|
| Mr. Mom |
| …the chapel in the hospital had a rather unusual stained-glass window which was donated by …. |
|
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| rfowkes |
| ...Father I. Ben Defrocked, who was also known to lust after The Sisters when they weren't involved in snowball fights. Just the other day... |
|
|
| Mr. Mom |
| ….Ben had been observed downtown showing off his version of heaven. He had been into the wine again and…. |
|
|
| rfowkes |
| ...it reminded him of the early Christmases, when he was young, virile, and still into women. That was before... |
|
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| Mr. Mom |
| …he saw his sweet heart in the men’s rectory. After that things …… |
|
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| rfowkes |
| ...took a turn for the worse. First Ben began to see faces everywhere he looked. Then... |
|
|
| Mr. Mom |
| …he developed a rather callous attitude to women in general as he continued to…. |
|
|
| rfowkes |
| ...make deliveries around the world. Meanwhile, Rudolph was handling some problems of his own. Apparently being the lead reindeer did not come without its own issues. As Santa's route came to a close... |
|
|
| Mr. Mom |
| …the animals wished for one thing from Santa, to live in peace with man and to have a safe home for their kids, just as humans would like, said Nick with a grin. Have a safe and sane one RAF… |
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| rfowkes |
Right back atcha, Mr. Mom and lurkers of this thread.
...Meanwhile back in a bar in Helena, the proprietor was setting new rules for the patrons. In addition... |
|
|
| Mr. Mom |
| ….some of the cowgirls were shirking their men’s desires. Another problem was… |
|
|
| rfowkes |
| ...that some of the household pets had gotten into some of Uncle Horace's Christmas presents from Sear's and were doing some unusual things in the pumpkin patch. Then there was... |
|
|
| Mr. Mom |
| …the new goldfish was in for a big surprise. Next there was …. |
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|
