| rfowkes |
| ...Ken and Barbie "doing the deed" but several logistical problems cropped up (none of them wardrobe malfunction related). Because of this, Barbie dumped Ken in favor of... |
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| Mr. Mom |
| ….Dick Butkus and Jack Lambert for the halftime show which would liven up the restroom break. This was to be followed by… |
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| rfowkes |
| ...a demonstration down Bozeman's Main Street by Dudley's cousins, Mindy and Cindy, providing support for his Barbie enterprises and hoping to turn public sentiment in his favor. Unfortunately this backfired because... |
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| Mr. Mom |
| …Mindy and Cindy owned a bar downtown which was rumored to be the hangout of many a husband and so the women folk of Bozeman decided to…… |
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| rfowkes |
| ...respond to their demonstration by calling upon Sheriff Julius to look into the matter and to take appropriate action. Unfortunately, the good sheriff had problems of his own including difficulty in the proper handling of firearms and his own weakness for women himself so he wasn't really what the Ladies' Guild was looking for in a champion of their cause. Therefore... |
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| Mr. Mom |
| …the gals called upon an old comrade, Ma Kettle. When Ma saw a preview of the upcoming halftime show she nearly had a stroke. She decided to…. |
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| rfowkes |
| ...replace the scheduled artists with one whom she knew she could trust. A man who entertained children in a most genteel fashion. But Ma miscalculated because she didn't know that... |
|
|
| Mr. Mom |
| ….Dr. Evil had been influencing Pee Wee in an off handed way. In fact Pee Wee was ban from the monkey cages at the Bozeman zoo because of the contests in self.... |
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|
| rfowkes |
| ...gratification were shocking all the little ones visiting. So... |
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| Mr. Mom |
| ….the good people of Bozeman decided it was out with Pee Wee and in with….. |
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| DaleB |
| Deputy Barney Fife! Now the citizens of Bozeman were getting serious.... |
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| rfowkes |
| ...about their law enforcement officials so they decided to bring in Bo Tatas, someone who would command immediate attention. Her first order of business was to... |
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| Mr. Mom |
| …get Barney laid. She realized poor Fife was so nervous around her that it might help him settle down. She took him over to…. |
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| rfowkes |
| ...her place and showed him things that ol' Barney had never experienced! After several hours of unbelievable pleasure in a variety of positions, he got dressed and went out to his VW Golf to drive home. But before he did he inscribed a message on the vehicle with his forefinger (which had been in places he never even knew existed before) to express how he felt. He then turned the key in the ignition and... |
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|
| Mr. Mom |
| …headed over to Aunt Bea’s house for some pie. Barney saw Otis and gave him a lift to the liquor store. The next thing he could remember was… |
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| rfowkes |
| ...something about having a hard time finding a parking space in downtown Bozeman, but he was able to overcome this. After that... |
|
|
| Mr. Mom |
| …there was a mishap trying to pull a speeding log truck over. Barney had been warned by Andy to “logout” if he was going to drink and this looked bad. Barney decided to… |
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| rfowkes |
| ...call Aunt Bea for advice on how to deal with such ticklish situations. Unfortunately, she was busy checking her text messages and Barney never got through to her so he... |
|
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| Mr. Mom |
| ….walked over to Bea’s house, mainly for the pie, and after telling Bea about the accident and having some hooch with Otis, he looked for the pie she had promised. Aunt Bea never said a bad word, however…… |
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|
| rfowkes |
| ...unbeknownst to Barney, she had conferred with the government and was advised to change her recipe slightly. Therefore, when he entered the kitchen... |
|
|
| Mr. Mom |
| ...there was Bea’s niece Cherry with something on her mind. Barney could hardly believe his good fortune. Just as Barney started to ….. |
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| rfowkes |
| ...reach for the goodies Cherry's cleaning service arrived and spoiled what could have been a memorable dessert. Undaunted, Barney proceeded to... |
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| Mr. Mom |
| …watch cartoons on the TV. All Barney could think about was Cherry and soon his mind started to play tricks. He decided that what he was seeing could not …. |
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|
| rfowkes |
| ...be possible but was probably due to the special soup he had down at Bozeman's Ming Hing Restaurant the night before. Therefore... |
|
|
| Mr. Mom |
| ….he was not surprised when Cherry started to ease back into his brain. He felt a sudden need to ask her if she wanted a ride in the cruiser. Barney was in the rut and….. |
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|
| rfowkes |
| ...things weren't working out the way he had planned. In fact, his cruiser wouldn't start. But his luck started changing when he found out that Cherry was a mechanic and she offered to look under his hood. Unfortunately, he thought that she meant... |
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|
| Mr. Mom |
| ….Barneys privates. And when she said, “lets see that V-12” Barney thought she meant… |
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| rfowkes |
| ...his massive 12" vertical member which was currently being featured at an exhibition down on Main Street. However... |
|
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| Mr. Mom |
| …it was not until Cherry purred, “Give me that big p-cock” that Barney thought he was going to get lucky. But as he unzipped…. |
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| rfowkes |
| ...he was suprised to find out that "Little Barney" had completely shriveled up. It must have happened when he used the snowblower earlier that day. Aunt Bea always told him to make sure he had his pants on before doing this! Now all that Barney could do was to... |
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| Mr. Mom |
| …bite his tongue when Cherry told him to please give her that elephant tusk right on the hood. Poor Barney didn’t….. |
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| rfowkes |
| ...bat an eye as he handed her the ornament and watched her bend over and place it in a posterior location. He did, however, notice her frontal assets and, since he couldn't control himself, started to... |
|
|
| Mr. Mom |
| ...drool as he watched with the aid of his trusty Bushnell’s. This brought back nostalgic memories of his boyhood when he… |
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|
| rfowkes |
| ...his aunt Becky was his babysitter and taught him worldly things. He especially liked it when she... |
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|
| Mr. Mom |
| …help him with his spelling lesson. If he got the word right, he got to…. |
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| rfowkes |
| ...go to Becky's private backyard amusement park and ride such attractions as the "Hang and Glide." Then there was... |
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| Mr. Mom |
| …the boy next door who liked to play games with the neighborhood’s children. Barney’s adult problems with the opposite sex seemed to always come back to these games. And there was also the … |
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| rfowkes |
| ...Jaws Bumper Boats ride that kept the local funeral home in business. Also... |
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|
| Mr. Mom |
| …the ride on Becky’s dad’s homemade train was fun until he forgot about the washout. Also on the venue was…. |
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| rfowkes |
| ...Cousin Orville's Horsey Rides, which were limited to selected females between the ages of 17 and 30. Of course... |
|
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| Mr. Mom |
| …there was the free pie donated by the girls from Bozeman’s Big-en’s strip club. However the biggest treat of all was when Barney would….. |
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| rfowkes |
| ...jump up on the table and offer his rather unique attraction. Unfortunately there were usually very few takers because... |
|
|
| Mr. Mom |
| …he had on his dick Tracy eavesdropper evidence kit. Barney claimed he was able to hear….. |
|
|
| rfowkes |
| ...things miles away. For example, a deer farted in Yellowstone National Park 92 miles away and blew himself into a tree. Barney heard this and was able to describe the incident to a tee, saving the animal's life. Because of his heroics... |
|
|
| Mr. Mom |
| …Barney was able to get the tongue extension he had been wanting ever since he saw a Kiss Concert back in the 60’s. Barney was hoping girls would like the stimulation he knew his new tickler would provide. The first such lucky gal was… |
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| rfowkes |
| ...one of the members of an acrobatic troupe passing through Bozeman who was so appreciative that she pressed some of her own equipment into action to repay Barney in kind. After that... |
|
|
| Mr. Mom |
| ….Barney was passed around from women to women for cheap meaningless sex. Once he was traded for the biggest “ladies best friend” ever made. Somehow Barney….. |
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| rfowkes |
| ...was able to escape her clutches and then proceeded to run off to the local Y for an emergency. It seems as though Aunt Bea's sister, Big Bertha, was having a bit of trouble getting out of the pool. When Barney arrived... |
|
|
| Mr. Mom |
| …the spectators were having a good time at Berthas expense. Barney called for backup because… |
|
|
| rfowkes |
| ...Bertha was overdue for her weekly sex therapy session. When no one responded to his call for help, Barney took it upon himself to try to satisfy the large lady himself in a most creative fashion. After that... |
|
|
| Mr. Mom |
| …….Gomer was given the duty of sex therapist. Bertha loved it when Gomer would say golly which would resonate her large…. |
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|
| rfowkes |
| ...son Arnold's overalls, scaring the chickens. In addition... |
|
|
| Mr. Mom |
| ….it blew Grandma Ester’s falsies out from under her dress which embarrassed everyone but Grandma. Barney was going to…… |
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| rfowkes |
| ...continue pursuing answers from other family members until he realized that this would mean having to interogate weird cousin Kiluani and that was more than he could stomach. Kiluani had suddenly appeared one fall day and they were never quite sure which branch of the family tree he/she fell out of. In fact... |
|
|
| Mr. Mom |
| …..Kiluani’s boyfriend Carmen, didn’t know exactly know if she was a he or if he was a she. It made for interesting speculation for the Dangleberry’s residents. To keep an eye on them, Barney enrolled in.. |
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|
| rfowkes |
| ...sensitivity training and observation classes. Little did he know that the classes were going to be run by Uncle Olly who had been thrown off the NASCAR circuit for being a little too sensitive with the drivers. At the first class meeting... |
|
|
| Mr. Mom |
| …….just to break the ice, there was a Dolly Pardon look a-like contest. Barney felt a strange…. |
|
|
| rfowkes |
| ...urge to puke until he realized that what he had waiting for him back at the barracks made the Dolly look-a-likes seem a much more attractive option. So he... |
|
|
| Mr. Mom |
| ….asked for his baton back from two gals who were having a grand time with it. This caused a commotion among the fair sex and the next thing… |
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|
| DaleB |
| he had to relieve himself very badly, jumped in his car and drove around hoping to find a bathroom when he saw... |
|
|
| Mr. Mom |
| ……one of the questions he had been pondering for a decade regarding a question on a particular driving test, and here it was in a real life situation. The page from the manual was quite dog eared from the academy days when…. |
|
|
| rfowkes |
| ...Barney was concentrating on the ladies. Things had not always been that way for him. Before he lost all that weight as a youngster he had to resort to other methods to let the fair sex know that he was interested in them. In fact... |
|
|
| Mr. Mom |
| …the same was true for Gerdy, who most men passed by, but Barney learned a great deal from her until….. |
|
|
| rfowkes |
| ...he realized that there were even uglier things in the world than cellulite. Since Barney was attracted to disfigurement, once he met Gerdy's son Quentin his heart skipped a beat or two. In fact... |
|
|
| Mr. Mom |
| …people took notice of their behavior and soon there was real opposition to their friendship. In fact….. |
|
|
| rfowkes |
| ...the president of the Bozeman chapter of The League of Decency, Mike L. Jackson, went on record stating that there was no place in the world for freaks of any sort. However... |
|
|
| Mr. Mom |
| …there were some who believed our sprit was placed on the planet as a test for some more enlightened plane, but then again, maybe just a cosmic joke to be spinning around thinking were masters of what is right or wrong, but Barney….. |
|
|
| rfowkes |
| ...did not let all this talk about "Big Brother" bother him because he thought it was all just a rumor. He scoffed at such an idea until, that is, the time he came upon that ominous sign on the road which indicated that there just might be a higher power involved. As he sped on without heeding it... |
|
|
| Mr. Mom |
| ….Opie had been waiting for just such a speeding driver. He had just got his junior NRA sharpshooter badge and was dying to show everyone just how good he could shoot. And so, as he drew a bead on Barneys head….. |
|
|
| rfowkes |
| ...Barney's pet, Birdie, decided that it was time to save his master. Taking careful aim on Opie's head below... |
|
|
| Mr. Mom |
| …the bird let her rip. It was enough to cause the boy to flinch and so saved Barney who was oblivious to what had just taken place. Barney was thinking about Uncle Roy who had a rather bad time in the county lockup over in Thatcher County where…. |
|
|
| rfowkes |
| ..."exits became entrances" and Roy's cell mate Bubba "Mildred" Pierce tried to get him to stick metal in various parts of his body. Roy resisted, however and... |
|
|
| Mr. Mom |
| ….and became Ivan’s cabin boy. It was the only way Roy could be protected from the jail population and soon Roy needed a case of preparation H and some tampons as Ivan was really terrible. After that experience….. |
|
|
| rfowkes |
| ...Roy became quite withdrawn, so much so that the warden took a personal interest in him and decided to import the fabulous Babushka Sisters to cheer him up. Cousin Lemuel boxed them up and headed to the hoosgow on his tractor with them in tow. However, before they arrived at Roy's cellblock... |
|
|
| Mr. Mom |
| ….Lemuel stopped for some protection. Nicky said she was to pretty to be tied down with a child. The next stop was for…. |
|
|
| rfowkes |
| ...some medication in case the day turned out to be a bad one. Then it was off to... |
|
|
| Mr. Mom |
| ….Olga’s beauty salon for a total body waxing. Afterward, the girls wanted to show Roy how perky they were and took a plunge into the Kamchatka River which helped improve… |
|
|
| rfowkes |
| ...their skin tone. Svetlana, in particular became quite ravashing, six chins and all. Olga, on the other hand... |
|
|
| Mr. Mom |
| …had a problem with her beaver which was starting to decay and smell like death. The poor girl had been working late one night and suffered a terrible accident when a tree hit her square on her pelt. Meanwhile…. |
|
|
| rfowkes |
| ...since her pussy was so large, she found that if she draped it over the arm of her love seat that this helped speed the healing process. Of course, anyone who visited her home didn't take to this kindly and they... |
|
|
| Mr. Mom |
| …especially didn’t like to look at the mouse on her pussy which seemed unsanitary to most. However, |
|
|
| rfowkes |
| ...Roy really didn't care what condition the women were in since he was used to making do with what was available to him. What did concern him however was... |
|
|
| Mr. Mom |
| …getting transferred to cellblock K. where it was rumored things got somewhat kinky at chapel services. It was an offshoot of the universal church of cross-dressing fathers, who had a rather unorthodox way of worship. However, as bad as it seemed,….. |
|
|
| rfowkes |
| ...the action in cellblock K was tame compared to Big Otto's cell, where there was a long waiting list of potential cell mates ever since Otto had figured out a substitute for conjugal visits for those with needs and no girl friends. He had discovered this trick one evening while... |
|
|
| Mr. Mom |
| ..... watching cousin Billie who was a marsupial enthusiast. Billie had a strange fixation with the way they raised their young and he was always playing around with his abs in a strange way. There was the time he had joined a radical peace movement to which…. |
|
|
| rfowkes |
| ...some of his friends belonged. However, some of his buddies who were military sympathizers didn't take to his political stance too kindly and they let him know about it on the football field. From that day on, Billy... |
|
|
| Mr. Mom |
| ….was a different person. He joined a cult that was a strange mixture of Buddhist, yoga, metaphysical, massage therapist and new age society. They were able to do many strange, unnatural acts and after one such experience, Billy decided to…. |
|
|
| rfowkes |
| ...be a kinder, gentler person. However, after the flyswatter incident he really never felt the same about the little critters again. And that's why he decided to... |
|
|
| Mr. Mom |
| …tune in, turn on, and drop out. He just wouldn’t care if a B-52 landed on him after a few puffs on his patented beer bong. This started him on a long a slippery road to…. |
|
|
| rfowkes |
| ...total degradation. He quit work, stayed out late and did things that severely threatened his marriage. Luckily... |
|
|
| Mr. Mom |
| ….some old Viet Nam buddies had a little operation going and were looking for some venture capital to expand into new democratic countries being formed by the present administration. Yes sir, capitalism in the making and Billy now….. |
|
|
| rfowkes |
| ...had a new way to fund some of his hobbies, including his passion for seaside dining. Of course, he still had to work out some of the kinks but he thought that... |
|
|
| Mr. Mom |
| …the waitress staff was not up to standard but they worked cheap. Now the cook was another story… |
|
|
| rfowkes |
| ...Boyd was a great chef, but he apparently had an on-going relationship going with Jim Beam that made his work ethic a bit less than desirable. But Billy had a plan. First he would... |
|
|
| Mr. Mom |
| …demonstrate that it wasn’t wise to joke around, party, and dress weird all the time. Next he would… |
|
|
| rfowkes |
| ...try to impress upon Boyd that continuing his current behavior would not only be bad for the customers, but would most likely lead to some on the job problems of his own. Finally, Billy tried to... |
|
|
| Mr. Mom |
| …keep Boyd from bothering the customers. Things didn’t look good for Boyd until… |
|
|
| rfowkes |
| ...he suddenly realized that he had figured out a way to stop his wife, Maude, from nagging him once and for all. He hightailed it out of the restaurant and... |
|
|
| Mr. Mom |
| …on the way home, his neighbors wife caught his eye doing the windows in front of a gathering crowd. He slowed down to get a better view and…. |
|
|
| rfowkes |
| ...the next thing he knew his car was up on the guard rail. Not wishing to get into any more hot water, Boyd decided to... |
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