| RonH |
| ....of a strange way. I'm a bit short on cash and would like to pay for a good portion of the retainer with fresh fruit." Johnny replied.... |
|
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| hammermdx |
| I don't need any stinkin fruit, just give me the greenbacks........ |
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| mdxxxx |
| "Greenbacks!?" she replied. "How about we barter. You represent us, and I'll do you a big favor by ..." |
|
|
| RonH |
| ...doing an infomercial about you. It would air on TVLand right between the A-Team and.... |
|
|
| hammermdx |
| and the Bluestreak epsiode of Family Trading Spaces....... |
|
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| laborlitigator |
| Just as about Johnny was to answer, an huge noise explosion. . . |
|
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| mdxxxx |
| echoed through the phone, Johnnie remained cool, but did reveal that.... |
|
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| RonH |
| ...he could no longer take on her case, because that loud noise reminded him of when he was a little kid and... |
|
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| ByeByeChrysler |
| ..being shot at while robbing banks and convenience stores. So.... |
|
|
| RonH |
| ...with no more phone calls and no lawyer, the lady decided the only way out of this mess was to... |
|
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| mdxxxx |
| go to option "B". She then dialed the telephone number of.... |
|
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| laborlitigator |
| Madame Heather's House of Pain where she asked for. . . |
|
|
| marktr6 |
| ....Bill Clinton. "Just a minute", Madame Heather said. I'l call him to the phone. He's in the middle of........... |
|
|
| laborlitigator |
| sticking pins into. . . |
|
|
| greatscot |
| " . . . a box of cuban cigars . . .' |
|
|
| RonH |
| ....and chanting.... |
|
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| BlueStreak |
| ...bring on the new group of interns. I need to orient them to.... |
|
|
| laborlitigator |
| proper use of. . . |
|
|
| RonH |
| ..cover-up techniques so that... |
|
|
| mdxxxx |
| my enemies have an excuse to .... |
|
|
| greatscot |
| " . . . surrender unconditionally to . . ." |
|
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| mdxxxx |
| the will of the people, as demonstrated by... |
|
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| laborlitigator |
| George "Warhawk" Bush |
|
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| mdxxxx |
| ... and his cabinet / advisors from Ms. Rice to... |
|
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| ByeByeChrysler |
| .... his doped up drunk nieces. |
|
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| laborlitigator |
| Any woman with "Bush" in her name. . . |
|
|
| ByeByeChrysler |
| ...probably needs a trim. So, off to the beauty salon for a ........ |
|
|
| mdxxxx |
| ... the full spa treatment, including body hair removal, manicure, pedicure, full body massage, body wrap, and .... |
|
|
| RonH |
| ...spray-on tan-in-a-can. However, they accidentally used a can of.... |
|
|
| marktr6 |
| .......WD-40, and.......... |
|
|
| RonH |
| ....instead of getting a tan, she ended up looking like.... |
|
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| mdxxxx |
| ...an alien creature from the ..... |
|
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| rfowkes |
| Black Lagoon. Emerging from the slime, she... |
|
|
| RonH |
| ...realized she hadn't eaten in a week, so she lumbered over to the local pump-n-munch and ate all the... |
|
|
| rfowkes |
| ...spam that she could handle until she passed out thinking weird thoughts about members of the Monty Python troupe. When she awoke... |
|
|
| mdxxxx |
| ... she saw a figure standing over her. It took a minute to recognize the person, but when she did, she exclaimed... |
|
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| rfowkes |
| ...""None shall pass!" Dazed for a moment by the smell of partially digested Spam eminating from her mouth, The Black Knight proceeded to... |
|
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| laborlitigator |
| withdraw his long, strong. . . |
|
|
| RonH |
| ..shrubbery, which he used to trap the alien. He then began torturing the alien by... |
|
|
| rfowkes |
| ... showing him pictures of Ozzy Osbourne, Howard Stern and a Honda Element. The alien countered by... |
|
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| laborlitigator |
| naked pictures of Oprah, . . . |
|
|
| rfowkes |
| ...The alien thanked him, since he was thinking of remodeling the interior of his space craft with a brown leather couch and was having trouble visualizing it. And as a gesture of his appreciation the alien... |
|
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| laborlitigator |
quote:
Originally posted by rfowkes
...The alien thanked him, since he was thinking of remodeling the interior of his space craft with a brown leather couch and was having trouble visualizing it. And as a gesture of his appreciation the alien...
(Rfwokes. . . that was funny). . . revealed the age old secret to. . . |
|
|
| rfowkes |
quote:
Originally posted by laborlitigator
(Rfowkes. . . that was funny). . . revealed the age old secret to. . .
(Old joke, LL)
...inner peace, using a tongue depressor, some Metholatum Deep Heat Rub and a Jerry Springer Video. The Black Knight took all this paraphenalia and... |
|
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| laborlitigator |
| began marketing it on the Home Shopping Network. |
|
|
| rfowkes |
| Meanwhile, over on HGTV... |
|
|
| ByeByeChrysler |
| .....Norm Abrams was working away, when Bob Villa entered the room with his tool...... |
|
|
| rfowkes |
| ...Martha Stewart took one look at Bob Vila's instrument and... |
|
|
| catzx6 |
| decided to fire up the grill because . . . |
|
|
| ByeByeChrysler |
| ...his meat wasn't hot enough for her.....:8: |
|
|
| rfowkes |
| ...initial public offering. Therefore she reached for a... |
|
|
| catzx6 |
| bite-size Little Smokey sausage that belonged to . . . |
|
|
| rfowkes |
| ...PeeWee Herman, who then proceeded to... |
|
|
| catzx6 |
| sit in a corner and laugh hysterically before he . . . |
|
|
| rfowkes |
| ...surprised the young woman sitting in the row in front of him in the movie theater by... |
|
|
| Blueflame |
| showing off his staff |
|
|
| rfowkes |
| All of a sudden, up on the movie screen, Charlton Heston appeared and began to.... |
|
|
| marktr6 |
....raise his staff to part the Red Sea, when PeeWee suddenly
exclaimed............. |
|
|
| ByeByeChrysler |
| ..your Staff is bigger than mine, so....... |
|
|
| rfowkes |
| ...stuff it! Feeling insulted, Heston pulled out a Glock and started to... |
|
|
| mdxxxx |
| shout "LEAVE THIS AREA IF YOU WANT TO LIVE!" The crowd began to panic, and in an instant.... |
|
|
| rfowkes |
| ... the ground began to rumble and the Pillbury Dough Boy appeared, randomly plucking people off the ground and eating them. To counteract this... |
|
|
| marktr6 |
| ....Heston ran into a Williams Sonoma store that was across the street. He. along with a few others, gathered up every rolling pin in the store and proceeded to go after Dough Boy and............. |
|
|
| rfowkes |
| ... proceeded to "pin" him to the table, completely flattening his... |
|
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| southpark |
| face, the Pillsbury dough boy was stunned and.... |
|
|
| mdxxxx |
| called reinforcements. His partners came to his aid bringing... |
|
|
| rfowkes |
| ...a fresh supply of... |
|
|
| ByeByeChrysler |
| ...rolling pins, to attack...... |
|
|
| DaleB |
| ...his big belly.... |
|
|
| rfowkes |
| ...and render him... |
|
|
| mdxxxx |
| unconscious, however, the reinforcements were surprised to notice.... |
|
|
| rfowkes |
| that one part of his body remained quite "doughy," namely his... |
|
|
| laborlitigator |
| large head. To deal with that they. . . |
|
|
| rfowkes |
| ...placed his skull in a vise and proceeded to... |
|
|
| ByeByeChrysler |
| squeeze his.............. |
|
|
| rfowkes |
| ...bippy in such a manner as to... |
|
|
| Nanagirl |
| . . . cause him to projectile vomit. . . |
|
|
| DaleB |
| ...onto a picture of Whistler's Mother.... |
|
|
| Nanagirl |
| Then all of a sudden, out of the clear blue sky. . . |
|
|
| rfowkes |
| ...the fecal effulent discharge from the toilet of a low flying 767 passing overhead somehow found its way onto... |
|
|
| DaleB |
| the roof of a Molly Maid mini-van.... |
|
|
| rfowkes |
| ...spewing 14 mops and other cleaning apparatus into the path of an oncoming... |
|
|
| mdxxxx |
| Eighteen wheeler, which swerved to avoid the debris, and jackknifed spilling its contents which included... |
|
|
| rfowkes |
| ...15 pre-pubescent boys who had been bound and gagged and labelled for delivery to Santa Barbara. (Note: The local Fox network news called the accident a "Michael Jack-knife"). One of these youngsters escaped and proceeded to... |
|
|
| Mr. Mom |
| Ronald Reagan's ranch where he found his long lost... |
|
|
| rfowkes |
| ...Armadillo. The creature, frighten by the presence of the man-child, started to.... |
|
|
| Mr. Mom |
| curl up into a ball, wherein an eagle swooped the armadillo up in her talons only to have... |
|
|
| rfowkes |
| ...the skies open up in a torential downpour. Losing its grip, the Eagle had no choice but to allow the armadillo to plummet toward the earth where its fall was miraculously broken by an errant bottle of Lone Star Beer. The bony plated mammal pondered this lucky turn of events and thought to itself... |
|
|
| Mr. Mom |
| If only I had one of those pickled eggs and maybe some dancing topless hedgehogs from south of the boarder, with a tune playing by Bob Wills and His Texas Playboys but he realized he better get off the road because... |
|
|
| DaleB |
| ..he might get hit by a '62 red Cadillac ambulance tearing down the road, driven by a Roy Orbison wannabe, with "Only the Lonely" playing loudly on an 8 Track tape deck.... |
|
|
| rfowkes |
| ...that he had meticulously dubbed from his extensive vinyl collection using his state of the art Panasonic-sys2L back at his love shack. Wiping his sweaty brow with the sleeve of his polyester shirt, he... |
|
|
| Mr. Mom |
| patted the head of his big tabby, a maine coon named George, who he had given a pinch of redman to get rid of those pesky worms. George was not in a good mood and when he saw that armadillo he cut the worst fart that Roy-Boy had smelled in ... |
|
|
| rfowkes |
| ...many, many months. In fact, it reminded him of the time that he was out with his best Gal, Lulu-May, at the local diner (the night he left his Ray-Bans at home), when neither of them would fess up as to which one of them had let one rip. That incident, still fresh in his mind got him to longing for the good old days, when he used to... |
|
|
| Mr. Mom |
| ...wear the blond wig and hang out in the high school locker room. He was thinking about k-y jelly when George let another one rip. He stopped the Cady and let the cat out. While George was digging a hole.... |
|
|
| rfowkes |
| ...two dogs, attracted by the cat and a large can of Campbell's Beans that was in the back of the vehicle, wandered over, tasted the food and one of them proceeded to let a big one rip. The entire entourage.... |
|
|
| Mr. Mom |
| ..waited untill the air cleared. Pretty Woman played in the background while the two stray dogs eyed the big Maine Coon which was done with his business. Roy-Boy smirked as George jumped onto the back of the mutt who had his greasy mussel in the can beans, and road him around while ...... |
|
|
| rfowkes |
| ...the fur flew all around. This wild confrontation caused a passing red jeep to swerve, narrowly missing all the combatants before coming to a stop. A blue VW Beetle with a checkered hood (not to mention a checkered past) wasn't quite as fortunate, hitting the fornicating coon and dawg broadside, scattering animal pieces all around the landscape. A state trooper who happened on the scene described it as... |
|
|
| DaleB |
| ...the wildest thing I've seen since bubba blew chunks at Sally Sue's wedding... |
|
|
| Mr. Mom |
| Roy-Boy took a cig from the pack of luckys he had rolled up in his T-shirt sleeve and with trembling fingers, lit-up. His only pal in the world was road kill and he couldn't help but glance at the fading tat too on his forearm which said "George Forever" on a pink heart. Just then, some fool opened the back of the cady and out popped... |
|
|
| DaleB |
| ..George Foreman with one his grills in his hand, "You fool! Damn cornhuskers...! I said take me to my car, I've had enough of this county fair! Instead you drive me all over some damn farm....what's wrong with you, silly ass? I ought to knock that corncob pipe down your throat you pathetic pissant!"..... |
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