| Mr. Mom |
| The state trooper, having just taken a refresher course in sensitivity training, hit him with 50Kvolts from the new stun gun and applied the good ole choke hold. Mr Foreman shook the cop off like water from a dog, picked up the road kill tabby and opened up the grill, with a big smile said... |
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| Blueflame |
| How do you want yours done? |
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| Mr. Mom |
| Better make mine well done, said the man from the china wok, which was across the street, that cat had worms, we charge extra for noodles, he said with a wise ass grin. Roy-boy thought he was having another flash-back and just stood there not really understanding what was going on...... |
|
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| cardingtr |
| ...when the Director said, "Cut!" |
|
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| rfowkes |
| As the crew broke for lunch at the studio, an ominous black cloud hovered above. All of a sudden.... |
|
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| Mr. Mom |
| a bolt of lightning knocked David Lynch on his butt. All he could say was woow, that was... |
|
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| rfowkes |
| ...totally uncalled for!! You movie critics can kiss my ass!! And while you're at it, shove a funny face mask up there and... |
|
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| Mr. Mom |
| call my dental hygienist, I think I broke a crown. The log lady, who was trying to get the part of Roy's half brother, ran up to the director and... |
|
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| DaleB |
| asked if she could get something that looked like a 'package' in her pants. She licked her lips as the director took another bite of his foot long Nathan hot-dog..... |
|
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| Mr. Mom |
| ...it's your turn in the barrel, said one of the extras. Mr. Foreman, rubbed his hands together and said, your going to have to make that knot hole bigger. Mickey Rooney, one of the tech staff, said Oh no, age before beauty where as he dropped his..... |
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| rfowkes |
| ...notepad, he unzipped his pants and headed toward one of the buxom ladies lining the set. Unfortunately, the former Andy Hardy wasn't as virile as he once was, and while attempting to lift the vixen onto his no longer ample manliness he froze in mid-air. The starlet exclaimed in a concerned voice... |
|
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| Mr. Mom |
| I told you to lay off those steroids hon, they take the lead right of your pencil. Mickey popped two blue footballs and said, come back in one hour and I'll make those baby blues look like a slot machine. Meanwhile back at the.... |
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| rfowkes |
...ranch, Uncle Herby was busy reminiscing about the time that he was stiffer than his banjo and was able to play for hours on end with no chemical assistance. Those were the days when he was a guitar and banjo whiz and a staple with the Texas Rangers on Gene Autry's "Melody Ranch" (and quite a whiz with the ladies as well.)
Ah, memories (and mammories!). Just then, Herby's daydream was shattered by the sound of... |
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| Mr. Mom |
| the bed springs directly over his head. They were starting an old familiar squeaking sound which Uncle Herby knew quite well. In about 5 minutes that old bed would be sounding like a out of balance washer, thumping around, causing dust showers to fall from the upstair room where his niece and the bull rider stayed. Dang pootang, said Uncle Herby, I should..... |
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| rfowkes |
| ...head upstairs and stop this once and for all! Herby reached for his bullwhip and rushed to the stairwell. Little did he know that his niece was more than ready to handle the old coot. With shotgun in hand, a joint in her mouth, a barrel of toxic waste at her side and her trusty old bottle of Mountain Dew nearby, Niece Sissy Sue waited patiently for one more confrontation with her uncle. As she watched the doorknob start to turn... |
|
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| Mr. Mom |
| ..and in came uncle, with the whip. Herby pictured how Liberty Valance used his whip on anyone who looked cross-eyed at him, and decided to try the same. Herby was having so much fun, he failed to see the bull rider behind the door who started to.... |
|
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| rfowkes |
| ...charge on "Ole Firebreath," the meanest bull this side of the Pecos. Unfortunately, the rider caught his polka-dot britches on the critter's horn and he was thrown into... |
|
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| Mr. Mom |
| ....Hey I was watching Herby whip the shi# out of that boy named Sue, said Ralph's wife, quit changing the channel. Ralph acted like he never heard her and turned up the volume so loud that.... |
|
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| rfowkes |
| ...he couldn't hear a pin drop. And that was an unfortunate turn of events, since the pin in question was a giant bowling pin sign that had become dislodged from the bowling alley next door by the ensuing sonic boom that was created by the TV and hit Ralph right on the noggin causing him to... |
|
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| DaleB |
| ..acquire a permanent smile and the ability to recite the entire Magna Carta backwards in esperanto while holding down a permanent job washing delivery trucks.... |
|
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| Mr. Mom |
| .....for the teamsters. After applying the 27th coat of Zaino, he looked up to see the impatient driver giving him the evil eye. The driver looked familiar but since the bowling pin problem, he wasn't remembering ......... |
|
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| rfowkes |
| ...too much except for and occasional flash of recognition passing through his head involving the driver, a shovel, some cement and Section 31 of Giants Stadium in Rutherford New Jersey. Confused, Ralph decided to... |
|
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| Mr. Mom |
| ....ask Cousin Guido about a transfer to Miss Kitty’s Ranch, namely for a little R&R and half and half, because this should bring back a few memories of... |
|
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| rfowkes |
| ...the time that Ralph has an infortunate encounter with a hooker at Miss Kitty's. He had specifically specified "Big Boobs" but the Madam thought that he was talking about himself and his friends, and not about the little lady that she sent out to meet him. Needless to say, Ralphy was disappointed and showed it. Regardless... |
|
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| Blueflame |
| At this time, Matt came outside with his gun and told Ralph there's no money back. |
|
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| Mr. Mom |
| ...No money back!!, whined Ralph. Give me the virtual reality headset and the tape of Pam Anderson hosting the Vancouver Canucks!! That will cost you a....... |
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| rfowkes |
... sawbuck. Unfortunately, the cacophony of sounds during all that had recently transpired had taken its toll on Ralph's hearing so he thought that Matt had said, "Warbucks." Fortunately, Daddy Warbucks happened to be in the vicinity with Annie, her dog Sandy, and Daddy's latest hooker, Velma (she of the leather boots fame) so Ralph was able to enjoy a pleasurable repast after all.
Several hours later, after untangling himself from Velma, Annie, Sandy (don't ask!) and Warbucks (ditto!) a newly rejuvenated Ralph put his clothes back on and... |
|
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| Mr. Mom |
| ....as "tomorrow" was echoing in his one good ear, Ralph headed to the nearest clinic for a penicillin, b-1, hepatitis,rabies and tetanus shot. Good thing I have a medical plan with the teamsters, said Ralph. I only wish they would cover that extension for my...... |
|
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| rfowkes |
...manlihood. I'm beginning to get tired of having to call Penelope's Pleasure Palace and Paraphernalia" at that 800 number to replace it every time I lose it when it slips off and I can't retrieve it. HMOs should include a "Marital Aid" clause in their contracts. I really wish I had worn my glasses the first time I ordered one of these devices. All I was trying to do was to get some protection for my long cross-country drives in my truck and I thought the darn thing was a "Martial Aid" That would have avoided this whole problem!
Ralph considered his options, which included another call to Penelope, the acquisition of some crazy glue and ... |
|
|
| Mr. Mom |
| ...maybe return it for the Albright and Reno model which had straps and looked husker. Jeezs, no wonder old Bill thought Monica was a looker, thought Ralph, but of course anything on the end of "old trigger" was a plus. Maybe I should just head over to Sweden and change things around some, a new look might ......... |
|
|
| rfowkes |
| ...solve everything. Fortunately, Ralph regained his senses before he took any such action as he recalled the time that old Uncle Charlie came home with his new "bride" who happened to be the result of such Swedish "manipulation." The family was never the same after that. As flashes from an earlier time went through his mind there was a knock on the door. Ralph opened it and... |
|
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| Mr. Mom |
| ...there was some kid asking if the car out front was for sale. It takes a special person to drive the X, Ralph bellowed with pride. I don't think you man enough for her. She needs a good lube once a week, can you handle that bub? The boy didn't know what to...... |
|
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| rfowkes |
| ...until he remembered that he had his dog-eared copy of Captain Billy's Whiz-Bang in his back pocket. His great granddaddy had told him that it would become helpful in situations like this so he was glad to have it. Leafing through the well worn pages, the youngster was shocked to discover... |
|
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| Mr. Mom |
| ....a picture of Ralphs Grandmother with what looked like something in her mouth. By golly it's a sword mused Ralph. No wonder Grandpa had a smile on his mug all the time. I guess she could.... |
|
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| rfowkes |
| ...whip up a mean batch of Chutney. Fellas would come from miles around to savor that condiment of Grannies! It got so bad that they would sneak over under cover of darkness to steal some and eat it. Luckily, Grandma was on speaking terms with all the characters from Alice in Wonderland and they looked out for her interests. One poor soul, Richie from the Hollow, met an untimely end when caught with the goods in his mouth. Swallowed him whole! Let that be a lesson to... |
|
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| Mr. Mom |
| .....you if you like homemade condiments as Grandma would include a family secret of peyote mash into the chutney. The local Indians would invite her to all the potlatches where she practiced many of their traditions which is where she learned the sword trick. This went over big with the chiefs...... |
|
|
| DaleB |
| ...until they started asking her to swallow tree limbs and other objects of questionable origin...luckily, a snake-oil salesman showed in just in time and wisked her away...he told her her ability could land her a good job with a circus or burlesque show and he knew just where to take her for such opportunities.... |
|
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| Mr. Mom |
| ..So that's why Miss Kitty’s Ranch seemed so familiar! Grandma must have apprenticed in one of the back rooms. Those old silver miners must have thought they had struck gold. Anywho, I wonder how she........ |
|
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| rfowkes |
...got the nerve to run off to the Regis Philbin Show to demostrate her special talents! The snake oil salesman brought along the special apparatus designed to analyze and measure Regis' "equipment" and Granny got dressed in her finest nighty to entice the TV host even more. In fact, Regis got so excited by Grannie's youthful (to him) body that he couldn't restrain himself and grabbed Grannies knee.
Ralph was watching this all from the wings of the stage and he... |
|
|
| Mr. Mom |
| ..Felt a stirring down where Mom said to never touch or he would go blind. Ralph was so humiliated that he joined the Navy that afternoon. As he was shipping out 6 months later, he wondered if...... |
|
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| rfowkes |
...he really goofed by signing up for the Polish Navy. After all, there had been indications during his induction period that there would be problems. For example, the Pride of the Fleet, the H.M.S. Kielbasa wasn't exactly the most seaworthy vessel. Then there was the problem with the navigators. No wonder he kept touching himself in his "sweet spot!"
Undetered by all this, Ralph jumped ship and... |
|
|
| Mr. Mom |
| ..found himself in Cairo with no $ so he joined the local monastery which had a strange fixation with dogs. The monks triained the dogs to fetch food for the monastery. Ralph decided to ... |
|
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| rfowkes |
| look for the biggest "dawg" of them all - The Sphinx. After all, he was in Cairo. Unfortunately, confusion reigned for two reasons. In the first place, Ralph wasn't in Cairo, Egypt but in Cairo, Illinois. And in the second place, when he asked for directions to the "Sphinx" the locals thought he said, "Stinks" and they directed him to the Chicago stockyards 372 miles north. As Ralph headed north toward Lake Michigan... |
|
|
| Mr. Mom |
| .......he joined a band of gypsies that were going to the windy city for some pick pocketing, slight of hand, card playing, and some good old stealing. He smiled at a pretty 13 year old and that make them married in their traditions. There was something in the punch at the wedding that tasted bad and it wasn't the turd, but the...... |
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| rfowkes |
...sleeping potion that had been added to the mix. As he floated off into never-never land, Ralph thought to himself, "That weren't no gypsies, but just a poor old family outside of Carbondale, Illinois dressed up in bandanas, thinking that they were auditioning for an upcoming edition of "Extreme Home Makeover." Why did I let myself get duped like that?!?
Duped indeed.
But the biggest surprise of all was yet to come when... |
|
|
| Mr. Mom |
| ......Ed McMahon came crawling up the path. His nose was redder than Rudolf's and he was saying something about a frat party over at the college. Strapped to his back was a cardboard check, it looked like 10M. He was just about to stand up when a gust of wind...... |
|
|
| rfowkes |
| ...blew some sense into him. Recognizing Ralph from the old days in Vegas when he used to pal around with Ralph's Uncle Dominick, he agreed to "make everything square" by arm-wrestling Uncle Dominick. If Ed won, then all of Ralph's troubles would be over. But if he lost, then poor Ralph... |
|
|
| DaleB |
| ...would have to take an earlier offer from Hollywood, and take a screen test for Uncle Tonoose in the remake of the Danny Thomas show... |
|
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| Mr. Mom |
| ...as well as be Snidley K. Whiplash in the Bullwinkle Show and listen to Mr. Know-it-All for the next decade. Ralph's veins in his neck bulged and the button on his collar popped when...... |
|
|
| rfowkes |
| ...he discovered that Katie, the director of the new Danny Thomas show, invisioned the part of Uncle Tonoose as that of a drag queen and even had a special costume ready for him that appeared to be very "Marlo-esque." Homie wasn't playing that game so he bolted for the door... |
|
|
| laborlitigator |
| and saw a ravenous group of deranged actuaries who. . . |
|
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| Mr. Mom |
| .....were in the need of money and one individual looked familiar...... |
|
|
| rfowkes |
| ..."So that's where O.J. Simpson has disappeared to," thought Ralph. The last time I saw him was in L.A. just before he... |
|
|
| laborlitigator |
| was accusing some guy named Pedro Guerrero for dealing drugs. . . |
|
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| rfowkes |
| ...to Bud Selig, which is why he is reluctant to go too far in pursing the BALCO investigation. Instead Bud chose to... |
|
|
| Mr. Mom |
| ...pass the powder on to the nearest patsee, namely kato, the .... |
|
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| rfowkes |
| ...biggest liar this side of Martha Stewart who, by the way, will soon be demonstrating new uses for hemp rope after today's verdict. First you take your... |
|
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| Mr. Mom |
| ...greed, add more greed,, and a little more, then hire the most arrogant lawyer money can buy, then kiss your... |
|
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| rfowkes |
| ...sweet asses goodbye, which is exactly what Ralph's Grandpa Guido told the Gerries during WWII (The Big One) just before shipping out to serve his country. As nostalgia swept through his mind, Ralph turned his attention to... |
|
|
| Mr. Mom |
| ...his Ameritrade account which needed a new influx of cash. I wonder what those specialists talk about in the bathrooms at the NYSE, I wonder if I could get some tips there....... |
|
|
| rfowkes |
| ...I'd really be set for life. Unfortunately, Ralph was a few french fries short of a happy meal and, when looking up "how to get tips" on the Internet came across a publication that was about to lead him down a very ugly and painful path. After purchasing Dr. Goldman's book and reading the first few chapters, Ralph... |
|
|
| Mr. Mom |
| ....thought, "this will be a great chick magnet". Just a few strokes and qua-la, a bald mouse. I can save a few bucks and do it myself with a little help from Mr Demerol, he smiled and...... |
|
|
| rfowkes |
| ...proceeded to start working on "Little Ralphie." Of course, this nickname was really a misnomer since our hero was, how shall we put it, "well endowed." Luckily, Ralph took all the necessary precautions and posted warnings accordingly. Nevertheless the unexpected happened when all of a sudden... |
|
|
| Mr. Mom |
| ......some of the local girls started to prep. Ralph for the main event, and as a crowd started to gather, he had no choice but to whip out........ |
|
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| rfowkes |
| ...his can of dimorphodon repellant. Ralph was somewhat of a repile buff and he panicked when he heard the girls talk about not being able to wait to see "The Lizard" and hoping that it was a big one. Little did he know that the girls were allergic to the spray and that it would cause them to... |
|
|
| Mr. Mom |
| ...cover themselves with mud to ward off the spray. Ralph started to enjoy this messy action and covered himself in Wesson oil just for fun. Trying to bait two of the girls, he lit up a J. and beckoned them over so......... |
|
|
| rfowkes |
| ...that everyone could get down and dirty. Things were getting out of control at this point. Oil, mud, a Carousel, baby strollers, guys with red balloons, a cheap model of the Titanic and even a couple of trees from the opening of HBO's Six Feet Under up on the grassy knoll. Someone had to take charge of the situation! Accordingly, who should step forward but... |
|
|
| Mr. Mom |
| .........Hannibal who was trying to apply a paralyzing nerve pinch on one of the Rugby players. He figured a little BBQ would settle down this hungry crowd. So after the pit was dug... |
|
|
| rfowkes |
| ...he requested a case of Chianti and a large portion of Fava Beans. Unbeknownst to him, Lechter was supplied with a particularly "pungent" variety of these legumes and the resultant emissions knocked out everyone within a 100 yard radius of the pit. As onlooker after onlooker bit the dust, Ralph decided to... |
|
|
| Mr. Mom |
| ....look up at the sky, only to see a strange craft shining a blue beam of light at him. Just as he realized it might be a UFO he blacked out. When he came to..... |
|
|
| rfowkes |
| ...he found out that he was floating in a bathtub that was really a Model of the Universe built by Mr. Adolph Brine of Lognoster, Wisconisn. Mr. Brine was portraying the Supreme Being. Knowing that this could lead to no good (with flashback's of Cartman's anal probe racing through his head) Ralph decided that the only thing to do was to... |
|
|
| Mr. Mom |
| ...distract Brine by igniting those fava bubbles that streamed up to the tubs surface. Brine picked up the ringing phone just as..... |
|
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| rfowkes |
...Ralph struck a match. The resultant explosion burned Brine's feet so badly that the only thing he could think of was to enlist the aid of some frozen shimp he had been saving for lunch to ease the pain. He grabbed the package, threw it in a bowl, and submerged his feet quickly, not worrying about ruining the pedicure that he had treated himself to earlier that day.
Unfortunately things were about to get even dicier when... |
|
|
| Mr. Mom |
| ...Ms. Lucy went looking for the shrimp for her Crawfish & Shrimp Jambalaya which she was demonstrating on her TV show. She picked up a clever and ........ |
|
|
| rfowkes |
| ...threw it at Ralph. Unfortunately it was Ward Cleaver, and not a kitchen utensil, so not only didn't it hurt Ralph, but it definitely hurt the feelings of The Beaver, who wasn't used to seeing his dad thrown around like that. The little boy was puzzled by all this and he exclaimed... |
|
|
| DaleB |
| .."I had never seen anything like this since my Mom, June Cleaver, put dad in a half-nelson, then bounced him with a mexican hiptoss, before throwing him off the porch into our cactus garden...." |
|
|
| Mr. Mom |
| ......Ward - You were Very Hard on the Beaver Last Nite, so take that, said June. Ralph, having not heard the old joke before, thought she meant the old Canadian puddle hopper and he .... |
|
|
| rfowkes |
| ...immediately ran to the nearest airport and began to practice some aircraft safety maneuvers, erroneously thinking that it would be an Olympic event this summer in Athens. Unfortunately, one of the maneuvers didn't go exactly as planned and Ralph... |
|
|
| Mr. Mom |
| found himself riding a Dear John delivery out the bomb bay. Guido sure would be proud, thought Ralph. But realizing this might be the end..... |
|
|
| rfowkes |
...he took the precaution of writing a makeshift will on a roll of toilet paper and sending it to his attorneys at Dewey, Cheetam and Howe.
Too bad for Ralph that it was "take a grandkid to work" day at the firm and little Randy intercepted the document before it could reach its intended destination. So instead of leaving all his worldly goods to his family, Ralph ended up... |
|
|
| Mr. Mom |
| ...having the entire estate going to Thelma, the senior prom date and the first experienced girl he had been with before. He had forgotten his protection and the DNA test show that the bun in the oven was his. Too bad for the adopted kids and his live-in wife. Ralphs internment was ... |
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| rfowkes |
...held in Butte, Montana (appropriate considering the unusual ceremony that was performed). Ralph's various body parts were collected and re-assembled by a renegade faction of the Nez Perce Indians whose rite of passage into the next life involved crazy gluing the deceased's Butt (thus the irony) to the nose of a Black Angus to facilitate the journey. Etymologists have theorized that the word "posterior" has its origin in this ceremony which was called "Post life steering" - but that's another topic for another time.
Unfortunately for Ralph, even in death not everything went smoothly when a descendent of Chief Joseph... |
|
|
| DaleB |
| ..named, Big Mother Wind, opened a souvenir shop just down the road from the Honey Dew Inn and kitty-korner from Gertie's Massage Parlor, featuring genuine 'Oriental Gals' from Peducah.... in the back room BM as he was often called, conducted Peyote sessions where one could talk with the dead .... |
|
|
| rfowkes |
...batteries of all the Hondas west of the Mississippi and resuscitate them through the "power of the peyote". This was considered a public service in the rural west where one could go for hundreds of miles without seeing a triple-A approved service station and was appreciated by the locals. However, the copper industry was not quite as elated as these "mind-jumping" sessions cut into the sale of jumper cables causing the shutdown of the Anaconda Copper Mine outside of Butte, MT. The resulting friction between these factions renewed the animosities that had supposedly been buried at Wound Knee more than a century before.
In an attempt to calm the situation, the local officials... |
|
|
| Mr. Mom |
| ....booked Evel Knievel for one full week of dare devil stunts capped off by jumping the copper pit itself. The program was, jumping one quarter mile of road kill, beer cans, mule deer antlers, jim beam half pints, chicken fried steaks, and bird dogs. Unfortunately, Evel snapped in to trying to ..... |
|
|
| rfowkes |
...complete the stunt and when the pieces were re-assembled by the on-looking crowd he was never the same. Granted, the locals were not really well versed in microsurgery, but the once familiar
EVEL KNIEVEL
was put back together as
KNEE LEVEL IV
a fourth generation member of the Munchkin Aristocracy. This was a real blow to Butte, Montana's favorite son, but he decided to forge on and took a job as a ... |
|
|
| Mr. Mom |
| .. Menehune Poi Pounder on Maui where the locals took him down to the dolphin pool where the mammals played volleyball with the knee. The locals liked to smoke and joke while poor knee was gasping for air. Lucky for Knee, there was....... |
|
|
| DaleB |
| a job as a pig helper...pigs are fair game in Hawaii, and he was able to develop shoes to enable them to run faster!.... |
|
|
| rfowkes |
| ...and even though these shoes were "udderly" ridiculous they did bring back memories of a dark chapter of his youth. Knee always wondered what people were taling about when they mentioned that he looked suspiciously like the milkman. So, from the very day his was born, Knee was not only "vertically challenged" but also... |
|
|
| Mr. Mom |
| ….had a strange fascination for cows. He would sit for hour’s thinking about the beauty of a Holstein. When knee heard about virtual reality, he relished the thought of milking a cow without the bull breathing down his neck, and he could… |
|
|
| rfowkes |
| ...imagine himself in one of those "Got Milk?" commercials, although his version wasn't exactly one that the American Dairy Council would approve of. Ah, yes, there were certain benefits being a "little person." In fact, knee also loved the way that he was able to... |
|
|
| Mr. Mom |
| …join in the camel races. It was almost as much fun as riding the old Harleys, back in Butte, which made Knee think he should see Doc about some growth hormones. He didn’t have much…….. |
|
|
| cardingtr |
| ..time on his hands so he brought the camel to work. His co-worker posed with the camel as they said they have a lot in common... |
|
|
| Mr. Mom |
| ……they both had a shotgun wedding after being caught in the barn. Knee thought back to the good old days when he was tall in the saddle and the women would ……. |
|
|
| rfowkes |
| ...come from miles around to get a piece of the action. In fact, some of these gals would even bring their own saddle with them, hoping to... |
|
|
| Mr. Mom |
| …….brake in the new leather. There was nothing like a moonlight trot with “the bull” as the local gals would say. The old evel was the king of butte but sadly |
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|
