| rfowkes |
...once recognizing the fool that he was working on, didn't stop pulling things until satisfied. This later became known as a
"KNEE JERK REACTION"
but, once again, that's a another tale for another time.
Coming to his senses, Knee realized that he had to dispose of the evidence so he... |
|
|
| Mr. Mom |
| …took the mother of all WMD to the local high school biology class where the students were most delighted to have something to carve beside the desks. One outgoing fellow took the heart and…….. |
|
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| rfowkes |
| ...discovered, after DNA confirmation, that it actually came from Ming the Merciless of the Planet Mongo. That explained a lot of things, but it still didn't explain the location of the Weapons of Mass Destruction, nor the... |
|
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| Mr. Mom |
| …museum artifacts, but it did explain some of the medical experiments with older women and chimps. Perhaps we should leave well enough alone said knee, and with that he…. |
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| rfowkes |
...took another toke from his "Maui Wowie" pipe, and then proceeded to douse himself with a mixture of Creme De Menthe, Creme De Cacao and Milk. At first, the onlookers were puzzled by Knee's rather bizarre behavior. That is, until one of the more astute among them commented that this was obviously a classic case of becoming
Knee High to a Grasshopper!
Any mixologist worth his salt could have figured it out! With all the confusion aside, all that was left to do was to... |
|
|
| Mr. Mom |
| ..for Knee to get that leg transplant. The doctor must have misunderstood Knee when he said that he wanted legs like a wildebeest, because when he woke, he was just plain old obese. Poor Knee was now rounder than tall, but at least….. |
|
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| rfowkes |
| ...he wasn't as tall as poor old cousin "Stilts". Shoot, Knee recalled the time that Stilts was in Vegas and he towered over Elvis by so much that The King had him... |
|
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| Mr. Mom |
| ….wrestle Kemo, first they had to pass a physical and poor Kemo flunked the hemorrhoid exam so cousin Stilts had to……. |
|
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| DaleB |
| take a match with Chu U Up, a female kickboxer and wrestler who competes with both men and women ... her jumping ability would surprise even a man the height of Stilts... |
|
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| Mr. Mom |
| …….due to her bionic legs which she could replace by snapping a new one in place. Knee really took notice of this and dreamed of having a pair for himself. However…. |
|
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| rfowkes |
| ...not really being well versed in the art of homonyms, he came up with the wrong "pair" and was transformed, by a passing genie who happened to overhear his request, into a Labrador with a pear shaped ass. And that wasn't the final humiliation since Knee also... |
|
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| Mr. Mom |
| …liked to cruise the alleys for any strange piece of tail he could find. He liked being a dog so much that he decided to find a human to take care of his food supply so he could then bring home any horney female in town, and much to his delight, he discovered that there were plenty of ladies welling to … |
|
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| rfowkes |
| ...play out various fantasies with his newly found canineness. Of course, even a dog had limits and Knee drew the line when one of his ladies insisted on stripping naked and making him smell her feet. Homey didn't play that game so... |
|
|
| Mr. Mom |
| …well, but latex, now that rocked his world!! Just the shine or smell of a lady with boots would send knee into a stupor of sexual delight. Some of the ladies would love the sight of knee humping away on their legs, however …. |
|
|
| rfowkes |
| ...the strategic placement of a couple of sharp buckles on one young lady's boots caused a traumatic result. Let's just say that Knee was no longer "well endowed" after that unfortunate event. But undaunted with his new found soprano voice, Knee... |
|
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| Mr. Mom |
| ……..got a job as a medical assistant for the Army. Knee was just the right height to perform the “turn you head to one side” test, however with his soprano voice; some of the men became overly excited. Knee knew just the right spot to hit with his rubber hammer to stop this foolishness. He… |
|
|
| rfowkes |
| ...even used his prowess with the reflex mallet to get some unexpected results with the ladies. Needless to say, this made him very happy! That is, until one day when one of the... |
|
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| Mr. Mom |
| ….patients lodged a complaint regarding the use of unorthodox instruments during the physical exam. But it was the cleansing treatment which drew the biggest protest because of the strange……. |
|
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| keystone |
| ...noises and smells that emanated from the back sides of his hairy male patients, though he found it strangely arousing until... |
|
|
| keystone |
| ...noises and smells that emanated from the back sides of his hairy male patients, though he found it strangely arousing until... |
|
|
| Mr. Mom |
| ……Roseanne showed up after eating at the royal fork buffet wanting her special garlic and turnip juice enema. Poor knee decided that this was….. |
|
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| rfowkes |
| ...enough so he made special arrangements to have Roseanne transformed into a grotesque version of Chucky. Left alone in a local toy store, the doll was quickly draftewd by the Tampa Bay Bucs who proceeded to... |
|
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| Mr. Mom |
| ……..make a logo of his head. They tried to get a picture without his mouth being open but had to settle on just the normal likeness of the boy toy. He was soon seen on ….. |
|
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| rfowkes |
| ...the wall of the local post office, in the "Wanted" section, right next to the poster for "Terrible Terry," the infamous stealer of rings from the "Ringmaker." Amazingly, the "Ringmaker" was the code name for Knee's notorious uncle, "Dr. C" (for cartiledge) who was in the joint (no pun intended) for various nefarious activities. Was this a coincidence or were there greater forces at work here? Knee was pondering the entire situation when suddenly... |
|
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| Mr. Mom |
| ……Chucky, aka, Rosanne, was transforming once again, and lifting up its blouse discovered an amazing sight. Must have been too much MSG at the buffet said Rosanne-chuck, “I’ll have to speak to the chef when I have my daily brunch.” Knee wondered if Dr. C could be of help when…. |
|
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| rfowkes |
...all of a sudden The Ringmaster called for the gathering of a family "ring" and the entire entourage proceeded out to the backyard and formed the ritual circle. "What does Dr. C. have in mind?" Knee thought to himself. Would it involve a human sacrifice (perhaps involving the little chid)? Would there be some form of group sex with the girl with the auburn hair, white jeans and fine ass? Would the piece of toast on the table be thrown into the center of the circle to be the object of some unspeakable sexually motivated target practice by the men in attendance?
Only Dr. C. knew for sure and he wasn't talking. Suddenly, The Ringmaster, resplendent in his ever present purple shirt and chic photogray sunglasses, turned toward the spectators and exclaimed... |
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| DaleB |
"The acceleration of cases in India, China, Russia, Nigeria, and Ethiopia could contribute to well over 100 million HIV cases worldwide by 2010, said David F. Gordon, director of the CIA's Office of Transnational Issues. There are currently about 40 million people infected, according to most specialists.
OK.. Jumping Jesus on a pogo stick. Let me run those numbers down for you.
3,000 or so died in the 9/11 attacks. 9 million in the Nazi Holocaust. 65 million in World War 2. Or to put this in another way that is about thirty three thousand, three hundred and thirty three September 11ths combined.
So let s all go out and buy some condoms. OK?"..... |
|
|
| rfowkes |
| ...unfortunately, several people in the family circle were a couple of french fries short of a happy meal, so the advice regarding the prophylactics had some unusual results. For example, Uncle Waldo didn't really understand the concept of practicing safe sex... |
|
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| rfowkes |
| ...and nephew Nelson, the family computer guru, had a problem with practicing safe hex... |
|
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| rfowkes |
| ...but the weirdest incident of all involved... |
|
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| Mr. Mom |
| .....the newest space suit developed by the skunk works for NASA. They seemed to be reliable, and at the same time strangely exciting. One size fits all was the logo. Onward and upward was the slogan so …….. |
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| rfowkes |
...every male in the group jumped into the fray. Everything was going smoothly until the "one size fits all" logo was really put to the test.
Enter the Wazluski brothers, and "Houston, We Have A Problem" (for obvious reasons).
First there was Stan... |
|
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| rfowkes |
| ...and then there was his brother, Stosh. It was obvious that something had to be done so... |
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| msu79gt82 |
| ... so he bought a new bed, where unbeknownst to him ... |
|
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| rfowkes |
| ...the unexpected occured. While Stosh was lying on the new bed, watching the Playboy Channel he wasn't aware that furniture also has eyes. As a result, he was suddenly ejected without warning by the four "poster" and found himself caught in the ceiling. At that very moment who should walk in but... |
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| Mr. Mom |
| …Mamie Van Doren, with Roy-Boy’s Maine Coon on her head. She wanted Stosh to give her the “big bolt” which she had been hearing so much about. Stosh fell back on to the four poster and Mamie proceeded to use her socket on his bolt when…. |
|
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| rfowkes |
| ...the police broke in and arrested everyone in the room for illicit behavior. Even Rusty the Dog was nabbed! Fortunately, just as everyone was about to be taken downtown to the precinct... |
|
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| Mr. Mom |
| ….the attorney general happened to be giving a pro life speech next door and was a fan of Mamie and gave a demonstration to show how large her muffins were. Needless to say, he let them all off with a warning……. |
|
|
| DaleB |
| ..but were sentenced to watch 20 episodes of Fantasy Island dubbed in Chinese, and write "See the plane" 50 times on the back of a Danish postage stamp.... |
|
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| Mr. Mom |
| ……after 20 episode of watching tattoo, Mamie was getting lathered up. She invited him over for a swim and tattoo brought along his snorkel. He had a plan which involved some underwater exercises that caused…. |
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| rfowkes |
| ...tattoo's weapon of mass destruction to swell to ten times its normal size. Needless to say Mamie was suitably impressed and took advantage of the situation. She couldn't wait to run over to the girls' side of the lake and tell all her friends about how the midget had "rocked her boat" like no other man ever had. In fact, when Nellie whipped out the guitar Mamie felt that she had to put her ecstasy to music. A regular Hootenanny ensued and... |
|
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| Mr. Mom |
| ….charley chan arrived for the ju jitsu lesson. He was eager to get a few girls into the figure four leg lock, and do a little viewing of some fortune cookies. The girls thought Charley was too quick with his hands, but liked……. |
|
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| rfowkes |
| ...the way he treated their "delicacies." Of course, there was the time that Charley got a little too rambunctious with cousin Millie and ended up going way beyond the bounds of propriety. Perhaps it was too much sake that caused his behavior, or maybe the full moon. In any event, even though he was extremely sorry for his actions nothing could console poor Millie. As Uncle Ernie tried to comfort her, he told Charlie to... |
|
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| Mr. Mom |
| ….stop slapping Millie on her derrière and yelling “ride- em cowboy” when being intimate. Charlie didn’t realize the movies he had been seeing at the neighborhood pussycat theater weren’t representative of American culture. He apologized and… |
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| DaleB |
| told Leonard Nimoy he still made a better alien than clown, when all of sudden Jack Nicholson came by, and in his usual manner Jack scared poor Charlie when he said.."Here's Johnnie!...and I need a tour of Chinatown!....it's time for dim sum, and that stuff just rocks my boat!"...... |
|
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| rfowkes |
...unfortunately, Jack didn't realize that "Dim Sum" was the code name for Charlie's little known "Son #5" ( a giant Sumo wrestler who was the result of Chan's unwise liaison with a Japanese Geisha girl) and when he uttered the magic phrase Dim came running to his father aid.
Not only was Dim meaner than the average Sumo wrestler but he also had an unusual belly button in the shape of those "fortune cookies" that Charlie was so fond of fondling. Dim grabbed Jack by the nape of his scrawny neck, mumbled something approximating, "and that goes for all of those Los Angeles Lakers you rode in on!" and proceeded to pull Jackie Boy toward his erotic belly button. Luckily for Jack, he had learned some deft moves thanks to some recent hot sessions with Diane Keaton, so he was able to... |
|
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| Mr. Mom |
| …almost escape Dims bear hug. But the harder Jack struggled the more he was pulled into the thing on Dims belly. “What is that” yelled Jack, the hair standing up on the back of his head. Sloshing sounds, odd odors and heat were all around Jack when… |
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| rfowkes |
...he suddenly realized that he was being pursued by none other than Audrey 2. This was particularly ironic since Jack had played a small role in the 1961 black and white version of Roger Corman's Little Shop of Horrors. It looked like this was a case of the chickens (or in this case, the plant) coming home to roost!
Gathering up all of his remaining strength, Jack was able to... |
|
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| Mr. Mom |
| …..gather his strength and taking a page from his old pal leather face, started to prune Audrey for a little vegetarian delight in Chinatown, but that’s another story. He headed to the staple center to watch Kobe nail another ……… |
|
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| rfowkes |
| ...Laker Girl at center court. Unfortunately, Kobe once again showed remarkably poor judgment in his personal affairs since the age of this latest conquest was something that even the staunchest Laker fan could not stomach. Quicker than you could say, "statutory" Kobe was... |
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| Mr. Mom |
| ……looking for a huge diamond ring for Vanessa, Goldie Hawn suggested this and having seen “First Wives Club”, decided this was the best damage control under the circumstance. Now just a smaller one for one of the jury members should take care of the whole situation. Meanwhile… |
|
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| rfowkes |
...there was a commotion in the stands as a fan attempted to remove a large wart in the shape of a pig from his forehead! It seems that this was not really a wart but an actual pig that had been crazy-glued to his head during one of the weird rights being held by that "people ring" some pages back.
Needless to say the pig was not very happy about the removal process, especially since it had been... |
|
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| Mr. Mom |
| …..purchased by Karl as a present for George W., to replace Spot which was really an old KGB planted listening device, but that’s another story. Karl felt strangely attracted to the pig, not only because of the weird resemblance, but |
|
|
| rfowkes |
| ...because it had become very lonely in his bedroom as of late due to a successful campaign waged against his family by some concerned citizens in his neck of the woods. Maybe there would be an end to the days and nights of relying on rubber dolls and other paraphenalia. Buoyed by anticipation, Karl began to... |
|
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| Mr. Mom |
| ……..groom the poor squealer for future fantasies. He found a pair of Monica’s sturdy cotton briefs, which he put a borrowed girdle form his Albright collection, a set of falsies from Ms. Rice and a pound of coverall face makeup from Grandma Bush. The next step was to …. |
|
|
| rfowkes |
| ...testify in front of the 9/11 Commision. Of course, Karl would claim "executive privilege" because that was the way that all officials proceeded when confronted with embarassing situations. As he was preparing to meet with his legal staff... |
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| Mr. Mom |
| …..Muskie, McGovern, Carter, Mondale, Dukakis, Gore, Hart, Tsongas, Clinton, Biden, Dole, Perot, Wilson , all dropped by to … |
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| rfowkes |
| ...join the rock group Missing Persons and record their new hit Judge Crater Had Nothin' on Us. The surprise leader of the band was none other than... |
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| Mr. Mom |
| …Billy who was named after William, whose famous quote of “Lets Kill all the Lawyers”, was respected by the Carters. Billy was required to perform community duty in the cooler with one of the band members so that….. |
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| rfowkes |
...he would remain a member in good standing in the clan. Unfortunately (or fortunately, depending on your point of view) the "clan" in question was the Crowley Clan of County Cork, and not the organization Billy was familiar with (the one with the "Wamsutta Wear"). So, without warning, Billy was whisked away to the 'Aud Sod' by a Leprechaun who just happened to be a distant cousin of Knee's. What a small world (no pun intended)! That's Billy pictured over there by the red door.
Speaking of Knee, our hero was currently... |
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| DaleB |
back with Uncle Waldo, helping him with the condom campaign. They were on tour in Jackson Hole, Wyoming when he was demonstrating one that could be used for horses. The device flew off the horse's appendage at the worst possible time hitting a DAR lady square in the head.
She was so outraged, she then slipped on it as she tore after Knee waving her umbrella, falling backwards and cracking her skull.
Several of her members congregated and swore revenge...they could be seen with their long handled handbags....Knee was jailed and held over for assault charges. He knew of only one attorney who could possibly get him out of this..... |
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| rfowkes |
...Johnnie Cochran. Fresh from many high profile victories, this loquacious barrister had a defense plan that included such gems as
quote: With a name like Knee, you should cop a plea
and
quote: If you're short like Knee, watch where you pee
among others.
Unfortunately, Knee didn't know how to get in touch with Cochran so he grabbed a phone to call.... |
|
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| Mr. Mom |
| ……Bill Clinton, who hadn’t lost his right to practice law in Knees home state of Wyoming. His quotation of, “There is nothing wrong with America that cannot be cured by what is right with America” didn’t have the same ring as, “even a white man like knee, should be set free. But the price was right, and Knee didn’t have to purchase knee pads to “cough up” for the payments. Meanwhile… |
|
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| rfowkes |
...Monica Lewinsky was looking for an angle to be able to horn in on the action (no pun intended.) Her most recent endeavor, a Hot Sauce that only saw limited success mostly in New Mexico where she had sold a couple of cases to Radio Personality Don Imus, hadn't been the cash cow (no pun intended again) that she had hoped for. In fact, most of the remaining stock was the object of a blow-out sale (yep, no pun intended once more.) Monica anxiously awaited the opportunity to get Knee on her instead of her getting on her knee (o.k. that one was intended!)
It's just too bad that she currently found herself involved with... |
|
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| Mr. Mom |
| ….a new exercise video, “Tongue’s of Steel” or “Fellatio for Dummies”. Anyway, Bill discovered a long forgotten law first established by the sheepherders of Wyoming which relieved all liability for anyone using condoms. This was started because of the wide spread of hoof and mouth disease among the herders and so therefore any help in this matter was welcomed. Meanwhile… |
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| DaleB |
| Knee was able to finally take leave of Monica, by developing a special condom she could use to stuff sausages, which was the most recent enterprise Monica was pursuing. She planned to call her new business "Fashion Sausage" and sell kits on "As Seen on TV" and she would include a small bottle of her special hot sauce with every order..... |
|
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| rfowkes |
...to be used as a special salve. Her motto was going to be quote: Don't put a fly in the ointment. Use my ointment for your fly!
The only glitch was that most of the new condoms were too large for the average man. Therefore, she called upon her good friend, Paul Hornung, who told her quote: We must get the black athlete if we're going to compete.
Dressed in his lucky red shirt, Hornung demonstrated the girth necessary to accommodate Monica's primo prophylactic.
These words did not sit well with an outraged mob which... |
|
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| Mr. Mom |
| …..thought that their members were just as large as the black mans. In fact, that’s what Monica thought she was doing at the House of Representatives, obtaining a sampling of the average man. She knew this unscientific survey would come in handy, no pun intended. Therefore…. |
|
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| rfowkes |
...she plowed ahead with her research. After much study and sampling of the wares, Monica finally reached the conclusion that penis size and race had absolutely no correlation at all and that all the stories were just "urban legends."
Then Knee's distant cousin Ubanto showed up one day! Monica's first reaction was, "There go my Sundays!" and her second one was... |
|
|
| Mr. Mom |
| ………when Bill hears about this, there’s going to be trouble. Well, Bill said those good old boys down in Georgia have nothing on us Arkansas dudes. I know for a fact that my nephew Robert A. has the biggest cock north of the Mason- Dixon Line. Anyway,…. |
|
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| rfowkes |
| ...a big cock deserves an even bigger pussy, so Monica got on the phone and asked her cousin Celia, who was known to have one of the biggest ones around to help her out. Celia was happy to oblige and wasted no time grabbing her pussy and heading over to see her more famous cousin. But as she was heading over there... |
|
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| Mr. Mom |
| …they had a call from Uncle Dale who as it turned out, also had a rather large pussy named Billie, after a famous maker of beer. Billie was a practicing alcoholic pussy and was rather loose around the neighborhood. In fact she was known for her easy manner with the tom’s which the Uncle was concerned about because…. |
|
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| rfowkes |
...when Billie drank her behavior became unpredictable.
Sometimes she would just pass out after some smokes and some brewskies... |
|
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| rfowkes |
| ... but other times she would become downright ugly, grabbing a shiv and a gun and menacing whomever got in her way. When Billie became "PsychoPussy" the only thing that Uncle Dale could do would be to... |
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| DaleB |
call cousin Robert and his brother known as Mr. Mom (who felt he was always living inside a Michael Keaton movie) to bring over their latest project and put that pussy away once and for all....a cup filled with the cheapest and oldest beer worked fine as bait...
Humane Cat Trap
Live Trap for Nuisance Wild Cats |
|
|
| Mr. Mom |
| …..for coons. Poor Uncle Dale’s Beagle was sure surprised how affectionate the beer loving coon became. Uncle Dale filmed the whole interlude for Funniest Home Movies for the 100 dollar prize and sure enough he…. |
|
|
| rfowkes |
| ...won second place. The first place award went to the Jukes Family of Buttout, Tennessee for their stunning portrayal of "The Passion of the Moon." However, Uncle Dale was not taking this sitting down and he proceeded to... |
|
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| Mr. Mom |
| …..show the judges what he really felt about coming in second. He couldn’t believe a bunch of gay linemen could beat his beagle getting banged by the coon. What has happened to justice? Sadly he… |
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| DaleB |
| had to admit, he had never seen the beagle so happy...so he built a big dog house to accommodate both animals, thinking I have to be tolerant on this issue....but maybe a call to Knee for appropriate condoms would be in order.....he called Knee, but to his suprise it was not Knee on the other end but the one and only....Bob Barker! |
|
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| Mr. Mom |
| …Knee had “come on down”, the hard way, when the producer thought knee was taking too much time about it. Bob became friends and a business associate, making bestiality movies on the side, out of which came the new condom products. It was Bob’s idea for the flavoring and …… |
|
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| rfowkes |
...the use of inanimate objects to quell the rising pet population. Barker was often said to mumble quote: If you don't get laid, you won't have to be spayed!
in support of his position.
Speaking of position, Harry the Hedgehog was obviously nearsighted since he mistook one such object for... |
|
|
| Mr. Mom |
| …his true love, the crossing guard girl, Ruby. Of course it was her hair which Harry was most attracted to as well as her sent. She emitted the loveliest musky smell and Harry waited every school day for her. He had practiced enough on the brush; he was ready for some real “head”. Just when he was in position,… |
|
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| rfowkes |
| ..."Balsamouth" Beverly showed up in place of her sister Ruby. Bev was best known for servicing statues, and Bob Barker's recent inanimate television appearances confused her a bit. She thought that she was pleasuring "Chief Priceisright." Too bad for Bob that she had accumulated several large and protruding splinters in her mouth over the past several months, for they caused... |
|
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| Mr. Mom |
| ….a painful memory to surface, namely the time Bob’s mother shot his wooden dummy because he was spending too much time playing with it, instead of doing homework. Bob’s mother was so jealous of splinter, she even dressed like him. Bob was becoming strangely aroused, thinking back on this old memory when… |
|
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| rfowkes |
...he suddenly realized what was at the root of his remarkable fixation for bodacious ta-tas! It all pointed back to his mom, the endless sessions wearing Dale Evans look-a-like costumes, the breast feeding up until the age of 19, the pony rides, the wet t-shirt contests at the ranch, etc. etc. He wasn't a pervert after all! His mommie made him do it!
Armed with this new-found knowledge, Bob took a deep breath and... |
|
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| Mr. Mom |
| …tried to figure out why his only son, little Bob Jr. liked sheep so much. Was it because he had witnessed the time with the girl in the boo peep outfit? Was it because of going to that Wyoming boy’s camp when he turned sixteen and had become uncontrollable after watching some of the movies he and Knee had made? This was the truth behind his passion for animal condoms, so… |
|
|
| rfowkes |
| ...taken in context, Bob's behavior was explainable, if a little unusual. In fact, the entire Barker Clan exhibited strange behavior. Take little Barbie Barker, for example. We recall the time she took it upon herself to produce an anatomically correct Hulk Doll, for one thing. Then there was the time that she... |
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| rfowkes |
Sidenote: Mr. Mom and myself (along with a couple of others who drop in from time to time) are having a blast with this thread. Anyone else lurking and enjoying it?
:2: :2: :2:
We now return you to your regular programming... |
|
|
| Mr. Mom |
| ….went to the next level of experimenting with gene enhancement in primates, then on to… |
|
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| rfowkes |
| ...trying to replicate the efforts of headhunters in the jungle. That particular effort got Barbie in deep do-do when she took it upon herself to "borrow" the neighbor's son, David, for the experiment. Needless to say, David's parents were not pleased, and Barbie was forced to... |
|
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| DaleB |
| ... go to England and stay with her aunt Mildred who worked for one of the many London rags that dealt with the personal lives of prominent figures, particularly royalty. Barbie saw this as a wonderful opportunity to continue her study of genetics and abnormalities. And to do this with folks who had questionable associations with the gene pool.... |
|
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| Mr. Mom |
| ……of which Aunt Mildred had the goods on the Prince. Being a lonely bachelor once again, Mildred had caught Charles with a blow up doll one hears about at cocktail parties. This was her ace in the hole and she was milking poor Charles …. |
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