| Mr. Mom |
| …..he thought about the last job he had as the Santa at the local K-Mart. He had never seen so many fat little brats ever. It reminded him of growing up on the pig farm where he had learned the sad truth from Mr. Barker regarding his Mother…… |
|
|
| rfowkes |
| ...the rumors wouldn't die down that good old mom let the blue ribbon winner, big "Mr. Porky" have his way with her during the award ceremony and that Knee was the result of that union. Nobody ever could prove it... |
|
|
| rfowkes |
...but the evidence was quickly mounting.
First there was Exhibit A:, a picture of Knee as a baby. Then there was... |
|
|
| rfowkes |
| ...that incident earlier in this very thread. And finally there was... |
|
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| DaleB |
| The anonymous picture sent of supposedly Knee's brother who was disowned by his parents (yes, Knee had some)....and now lived incognito on a ....yes, pig farm... |
|
|
| Mr. Mom |
| ……as well as Knee’s first real date, Heidi, who had a very strange habit of rolling in the mud, (here we go again). Then there was…. |
|
|
| rfowkes |
| ...the story regarding what happened to the remaining members of Knee's family. It gets a little gruesome. For example, the twins took a wrong turn in Smithfield, Virginia and the results were not exactly something for the family viewing hour. Then there was the interesting thing that happened to Uncle Ferdy... |
|
|
| Mr. Mom |
| ….which is currently being made into a horror movie. It seems that Uncle Ferdy had a thing for hookers. After he got tired of “porking” them, he would feed them to the hogs or add them as a special ingredient in the links being making in the shed. Someone had complained when a blue eyeball had been bitten into (in two)…. |
|
|
| rfowkes |
| ...and it got so bad that in order to survive, the pigs fought back by finding religion and organizing. Perhaps this would save them from extinction. But, unbeknownst to them... |
|
|
| Mr. Mom |
| ….another pig had an idea to keep everyone happy, staring in a TV show to make pigs seem real to city folks. If she was shown in a familiar position, maybe people would respect her for what she was, and turn vegetarian. However,… |
|
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| rfowkes |
...her requests fell on deaf ears and she was told, in no uncertain terms, that this would only happen "when pigs can fly!"
So Miss Piggy had nothing to grasp onto except her dreams.
Meanwhile... |
|
|
| Mr. Mom |
| ..Knee had written a book to cash in on the head shot. He had been having problems with getting “it up” ever since the incident. All he could see when he closed his eyes was… |
|
|
| rfowkes |
| ...that horrifying image of the infamous Manimal brothers who had done unspeakable things to him with the skeletal remains from that head-shrinking incident. To this day Knee was not able to sit down for long periods of time without the assistance of a doughnut shaped pillow, not to mention anything of a sexual nature. It even pained him to... |
|
|
| Mr. Mom |
| ..do his business. He was so loose in the goose that it was mandatory for Knee to travel via a-la-commode. The poor lad had no muscle control and nature could call at any time, anywhere……. |
|
|
| rfowkes |
| ...and needless to say this resulted in some embarassing situations. You might say that he was "Knee deep in..." (Well, you get the idea!). Of course, this greatly impacted Knee's social life so he was forced to... |
|
|
| Mr. Mom |
| …hire the services of Uncle Dale’s dramatic duo, to clean up the mess. The little dog “Rummy” would steer the big dog “dubya” to the piles of scat and then, well you can just imagine what dubya would do next. He…… |
|
|
| rfowkes |
| ...would plunge, nose first, into the pile, ostensibly looking for those "Weapons of Mass Defication." Unfortunately, as was his nature, he missed the target and made a spectacle of himself. Good old Dubya - one of a long line of dawgs with bush moves. Back in the early 1990's his dad had... |
|
|
| Mr. Mom |
| …said, “Read my lips”. What he meant as he was thinking about the Miss Texas swimsuit competition he was judging that afternoon was… |
|
|
| rfowkes |
| ..."I wish I could get some of the Nair that the contestants are using for the competition." Although he managed to hide it, the elder Bush really lived up to the family name in ways that only Barbara and assorted consorts were aware of. Surely he would benefit from such depilatory products. So he... |
|
|
| Mr. Mom |
| …..did his best to hide the problem. G.B. Sr. liked to fish, and each fish he caught cost the public 150K each, but hey, got to get the man vote. Anyway, on one trip a large brown bear liked the look of George’s firry body, when the pres. was doing some business in the woods, and the next thing … |
|
|
| rfowkes |
...he knew, Old Whitey was on top of him. Some strange coupling took place that day, and rumor has it that "Dubya" was the result in some strange convoluted fashion. In fact, those in the know swear that "Dubya" stands for "Whitey." Whatever.
When GB Senior finally returned to the cabin that cool Maine night... |
|
|
| Mr. Mom |
| …he was strangely excited about the entire affair. Now I know what to get Babs for Christmas, smiled G. B. I believe my old buddy Bob the Barker has an acquaintance with a connection to certain rubber devices which might be delivered in plain packages. Getting things past the secret service has been a challenge for poor G.B. and….. |
|
|
| rfowkes |
...he was hoping that his latest acquisition, "The Blue Johnson," would get by security's scrutiny. GB was hoping that they would believe it was a gift from the Smurf Ambassador.
With anticipation, he eagerly wrapped the device and... |
|
|
| Mr. Mom |
| …enlisted the services of an old navy seal buddy to deliver the package while he was out fishing. Using the S.O.P., he tried to….. |
|
|
| rfowkes |
| ...glue the package to the underside of GB's dinghy but accidentally applied crazy glue to the feet of the occupants of another fishing vessel. Needless to say, this created a sticky problem when the two unfortunates happened to touch feet while moving around their craft. As they cried out for help while trying to extricate themselves... |
|
|
| Mr. Mom |
| ….they were spotted by homeland security, namely a brain dead lifer who was discharged without any job prospects. He wanted to prove he could spot a terrorist so he opened fire with his 50 caliber until there was…. |
|
|
| rfowkes |
| ...a large hole in the stomach of one of the unfortunate anglers where his belly button used to be. From that day forward his nickname was, "Old Bagel Belly" and his fellow fisherman was known as... |
|
|
| Mr. Mom |
| … ……wishbone, due to an obvious lack of thigh muscle. It looked like Old Whitey been a little hungry and had taken a snack. The lads were sent off to Guantanamo Bay for debriefing while the security patrol did high fives all around. Meanwhile… |
|
|
| rfowkes |
...the paramedics who responded to the anglers' call for help weren't so lucky. For years after this incident, whenever they would think of the carnage that they had witnessed, at least one of them would get sick. I remember, in particular, that time when they were dressed up in their best red shirted uniforms and someone mentioned Old Whitey's actions to Bubba right after he had consumed a big plate of Lasagna at the annual dinner dance.
It wasn't a pretty sight.
While Bubba spewed, his partner Roidney tried to ignore the whole thing. Only Lilith (Frasier's ex), who had just recently joined the group, had the good sense to... |
|
|
| Mr. Mom |
| ….search her files for a replacement. She didn’t want to blow this one so she picked the biggest……. |
|
|
| rfowkes |
| ...pig in the office, whom she knew would be appreciative of her special talent. Unfortunately, this turned out to be the CEO of the company who happened to have a penchant for dressing up in "Oink Outfits" - which was a crime in 43 states. While the police drove away "Mr. Big," Lilith decided to... |
|
|
| Mr. Mom |
| ….try to hire another female for the group. With the help of “XFACTOR” who happened to know a few select ladies with the proper style she was looking for, she settled for…. |
|
|
| rfowkes |
| ..."Big Mama" Barnes, who was actually Lilith's second choice since Lottie "Lotta Luvin'" McCoy couldn't quite fit into the Herman Miller Aeron Chair at her desk. There was only a certain amount of heft that even steel girders could handle. With the new staff in place... |
|
|
| Mr. Mom |
| …Lilith decided to change the focus of the group by having Roidney soon to be known as “RuPaul”, dress a little more feminine. “There we go” said the Xman, “I love the junk in the truck on Big Mama”! Lilith was happy with the new group and…… |
|
|
| rfowkes |
...decided then and there to turn over a new leaf and help her fellow man. First she would teach Robert Goulet the words to The Star Spangled Banner. Then she would learn how to relate better to RuPaul by discussing Victor, Victoria with Julie Andrews. She would have a grand time!
But just as she started to set these plans in motion... |
|
|
| Mr. Mom |
| …she enlisted the talents of Dwight Yoakum to cerograph some dance moves. RuPaul had some cute moves of its own; however Big Mama had a hard time getting into the tight jeans so they decided to go with a Sheryl Crow/Dwight Yoakum look. Then what happened next……. |
|
|
| rfowkes |
...was quite amazing. Former Clinton White House advisor George Stephanopoulos was on the premises. It seems that Good Old Bubba had gotten word that there were some "ample" women around and George wanted to do so advance scouting in case there was something there that his old boss wanted to link up with. As he rushed around the corner he bumped into Lilith with such force that before it could be prevented he and Lilith became one.
The result was frightening.
Before: |
|
|
| rfowkes |
The only way to separate the two way to call for...
After: |
|
|
| Mr. Mom |
| ….the help of the Freaky Friday scriptwriter who had some experience in the matter at hand. However, before anything could be done, the writer was already busy with |
|
|
| Mr. Mom |
| the Prince and Spears creation which….. |
|
|
| rfowkes |
| ...brought back the nightmarished coupling of Hollywood favorites Glenn Close and Robert Pastorelli... |
|
|
| rfowkes |
| ...which produced the following abomination. Then there was... |
|
|
| Mr. Mom |
| ….Elizabeth Shue/Val Kilmer joining of the genes, which resulted in |
|
|
| Mr. Mom |
| this becoming smile, and of course… |
|
|
| rfowkes |
| ...pop starlet Christina Aguilera somehow met and started dating MTV's Carson Daly... |
|
|
| rfowkes |
| ...which gave birth to this. And... |
|
|
| Mr. Mom |
| ……..it seems to me that there is entirely too much hanky panky going on in tinsel town, said George W. It has to be the result of all those liberal colleges and flesh peddler pot smoking democrats who say I don’t have a post war plan. It’s the same as Afghanistan, mused G.W….. |
|
|
| rfowkes |
| ...I recall the time that I went there to judge a beauty pagent. Boy, the chicks there were much hotter than Mom! If I had known that I might have enlisted for a real tour instead of hiding in Texas and Alabama in the 70's. Oh well, I stll have... |
|
|
| DaleB |
| ...Lancelot...our new dog. Does not quite replace poor Spot, but is able to take commands in arabic, spanish and french. Also, does not hump my leg in public. Able to understand the significance of correspondence. Amazing....at least that's why I need Dick to attend the 9/11 committee briefing with me. I mean if they should ask to see my copy of that brief and I tell them "The dog ate it."... well, you can see the problem! Old Dick was there when it happened. |
|
|
| Mr. Mom |
| ……in fact, Dubya was trying to remember just how he got into this mess in the first place. Oh yah, the slam dunk. Maybe Tenet meant donuts in the coffee, thought Dubya… …. |
|
|
| rfowkes |
| ...but he was always getting confused. Maybe he was thinking of Dick Cheney, or maybe he was thinking of his attorney. It appeared that recent presidencies were obsessed with "Dick" but that didn't mean... |
|
|
| Mr. Mom |
| ….the first ladies were getting any. In fact Dubya had trained Lancelot to actually find those WMD around the white house. They seemed to be turning up everywhere. “We’ll blame it on the Clintons”, Cheney told Dubya and so…… |
|
|
| rfowkes |
| ...it went. In fact, Dubya was having such a hard time (no pun intended) helping Laura in getting any that he took some drastic steps to infuse some romance into their relationship. He even underwent an unusual transplant in an attempt to please her. However... |
|
|
| Mr. Mom |
| ………the darn thing fell off. Jenna and Barbara, who have been kept in a in an undisclosed location, found a good use for the item. Jenna was especially apt at pushing the right buttons and got ……. |
|
|
| rfowkes |
| ...so good at it that she was firmly convinced that she had finally found the answer to her sexual prayers without having to involve anyone else. Up until now, her idea of "safe sex" had been a little unusual, but with her inanimate friend in hand she was able to... |
|
|
| Mr. Mom |
| …join in with Mary who had been taught safe sex from an early age. In fact, there was no chance for an embarrassing “bun in the oven”, which would have been a problem. Dick made sure…… |
|
|
| rfowkes |
...that little Mary and Jenna and their TV friend Ellen DeGeneres among others were shielded from temptation. Of course, anyone with any sense knew that all these gals needed was a man with a huge cock.
Always willing to oblige, good old Hector down on the farm... |
|
|
| Mr. Mom |
| …showed the ladies the ranch. But the girls were given a “bum steer” when Ricardo, from the ranch next to Dubya, spotted Condoleezza’s boyfriend in a pair of J. Edgar’s old pants which drove the old bull into a sexual frenzy, and drove home the point regarding the European method of birth control. Ms. Rice felt that … |
|
|
| rfowkes |
| ...this was one method of birth control that was sure to be effective. However, the "bull by the horns" prophylactic approach had different effects on different people. Take Cousin Junior, for example. When rammed by that protuberance he would hide his head in a wood sculpture out of embarassment. Then there was Rodney, the town drunk. He would... |
|
|
| Mr. Mom |
| …cruise for girls all night. After one unsuccessful night on the town, Rodney woke up outside Father John’s home with a strange burning in his bum. Poor Rodney remembered he wanted to join the 12 step program that night at the church, however… |
|
|
| rfowkes |
| ...first he had to attend to dad's pickup. He vaguely remembered using it before he took the sedan to the party and he hoped that it was o.k. Maybe he simply parked it on the side of the road near the Sit & Chew Bar & Grill. But, then again, maybe he didn't. Unfortunately, Rodney's dad had found out what had really happened and was about to... |
|
|
| Mr. Mom |
| …have a little talk with Rodney, but he first ran across the designated driver and proceeded to plant him in the street. Then he went looking for Jr…… |
|
|
| rfowkes |
| ...but on the way he ran into Grannie, who gave him the evil eye so bad that he turned around and ran in the other direction. Rodney was safe so he was able to continue... |
|
|
| Mr. Mom |
| ….to do it his way. Yes, Rodney was blessed without a conscious which usually got him into a lot of tight situations, namely… |
|
|
| rfowkes |
| ...trying to help others in ways that often backfired. There was the time he tried to entertain the kiddies in the Pediatrics Wing of the local hospital by dressing as Elvis. Unfortunately, both his girth and his unfortunate choice of a white Danskin body clinging outfit met with some resistance and an appearance before the local magistrate on morals charges. Then there was that incident with... |
|
|
| Mr. Mom |
| …what happened during his babysitting job. Rodney claimed it was all “political”, and that the parents were snobs and didn’t understand the trailor park method of getting a youngen to sleep. Rodney ended up….. |
|
|
| rfowkes |
| ...having to do some fancy talkin' to wangle his way out of that one! Then there was the time that he and Mabel tried to open up an independent fertilizer business. They thought that they would make a real killin' when the circus came to town but found out that... |
|
|
| Mr. Mom |
| …selling the dung was harder than they thought, even when they advertised using a portable radio station. Likewise, their next venture… |
|
|
| rfowkes |
...didn't work out either. It involved a much cruder method of transporting the product. Unfortunately this was another business proposition gone bad for a number of reasons. First there were the laws of physics. Then there was the choice of "up your ass" as the name of the venture. The business went into the pooper before it had a chance to get off the ground, so to speak.
Rodney and company had no choice but to... |
|
|
| Mr. Mom |
| …open a new trendy bistro. They hired the super model Helga from Bavaria who had just finished a world tour demonstrating the proper method to sip a cool Bavarian beer. Rodney had suggested a light beer do to OSHA’S rules restricting the amount of breast under labor law or “BULL” for short. Helga was really stretching the rules by… |
|
|
| rfowkes |
...wearing leotards when she served her customers. This quickly became known as "Seeing Helga In Tights" and when put together with "Breast Under Labor Laws" was known officially as....well, you can fill in the blanks.
The bistro's manager, Harvey, was tired of all this BULL**** and he ordered his help to get rid of the leotards and revert to wearing jeans. Helga was incensed by this edict, especially since Harvey was still strutting around in his pansy ass pink cowboy hat. She decided to take matters into her own hands and teach Harvey a lesson that he wouldn't soon forget! But as she was administring her own form of social justice to Harvey, Helga suddenly... |
|
|
| Mr. Mom |
….saw the motorcycles parked out front and made a quick decision to join the group which was called the “Harley Old Rich Senior Executives”.
And that, along with “Seeing Helga in Tights”, meant there was plenty of Horse **** under foot. Helga decided to dump the tights and hop on one of the bikes and…… |
|
|
| rfowkes |
| ...head down to the Chat & Chew for a bite to eat. Helga's new wardrobe was the hit of the luncheon as a bunch of guys in tacky Hawaiian shirts quickly befriENDed her and suggested that they all go... |
|
|
| Mr. Mom |
| …..over to the slip and slide for some Jell-O wrestling. One of the mahi men decided to play the bongos to the driving beat of "Miserlou" on dear Helga’s rear. Helga threw her arms his neck and said…….. |
|
|
| rfowkes |
| ...why don't you come back to my place. I've got some coke and something nice and warm and furry waiting for you back there! Little did the poor guy know that... |
|
|
| Mr. Mom |
| …..he was being invited over to watch a three-some of her furry pets. Watching the little rodents reminded Helga of the old country farm she grew up on just outside of Munich. She trained them to do tricks, using her clever German mind, of the most obscene sexual nature. Sometimes she would……. |
|
|
| rfowkes |
| ...just watch the squirrels "perform" and other times she would hop up into the trees and join in. Of course, Helga's hefty size pissed off a lot of trees which were known to express themselves in disgust. Nevertheless, she didn't let the trees' reaction get to her but, instead, she... |
|
|
| Mr. Mom |
| …would sit quietly in the canopy for hours, sighting an unusual sight of reverse evolution. It seemed that a man had taken on an ape for his mate and started back down Mr. Darwin’s ladder of evolution. Helga decided to…… |
|
|
| rfowkes |
...make the best of a potentially ugly situation and try to fix herself up for her new partner. After 3 hours in front of the mirror and with a little help of the "Extreme Makeover" crew, Helga was ready for action.
Unfortunately, Jeff had other ideas... |
|
|
| Mr. Mom |
| She struck a pose to lure the man and to get him in the proper mood for romance. Little did Helga know that it was an odor that turned this mans crank, so….. |
|
|
| rfowkes |
| ...she ran over to the Executive washroom to get some "Eau de Toilette." Applying some liberally to all her essential parts, Helga was now ready to spring into action. However, when she got back to the tree house, Jeff had... |
|
|
| laborlitigator |
| let out one of the worst. . . |
|
|
| Mr. Mom |
| …secrets in the long linage of Goldblums. Namely the monkey tattoos each of the male members had on their tummies. It had kept them from serving in our political defense, offence system for the past 200 years…. |
|
|
| rfowkes |
| ...and had been the brainchild of Jeff's great-great-great-great-great-great-great-grandfather Festus. Poor old Festus wasn't blessed with the best eyesight and he thought he was creating a patriotic logo for future Goldblum generations. Little did he know that... |
|
|
| Mr. Mom |
| …..the monkey tattoo was really an old gypsy curse which would doom every one of them to failure. Known as “The Monkey Business Curse” it was a sign of stupidity and every red blooded gypsy would know that this person was a fool. Festus started his first business as an escort cow delivering service to “horny” bulls. Of course…. |
|
|
| rfowkes |
| ...that was only the beginning. Next came the abortive attempt to start a midget basketball league. Then there was... |
|
|
| Mr. Mom |
| …….spas R us. Another brainchild of Jeff and location, location was a major part in its failure up in Anchorage. Then … |
|
|
| DaleB |
| the time he lost money on the Million Man Peeing Trough....it was used once during a cycle race in Fortuna, North Dakota, but following one severe winter had to be removed as a safety hazard. The number of circumcisions was to rise that year.... |
|
|
| Mr. Mom |
| …as well as the lawsuits coming from our good neighbors to the north. Jeff never realized just how bushy a Canadian beaver could get over a long winter. He quickly ran out of waxing material and couldn’t live up to the $20 advertising so…. |
|
|
| rfowkes |
...he had no choice but to turn to other means to defend his business and his honor. Naturally, Jeff thought that a good way to take care of beaver problems would be to contact "Pussy Power." The name just seemed to fit the task at hand but he had absolutely no idea what he was getting himself into!
Once he placed the call, the wheels were put in motion to create a very ugly situation.... |
|
|
| Mr. Mom |
| ......however, the P>P had missed her mark, so Jeff decided that he would skip town and headed to Boulder Colorado which claimed to be the new center of the world. So he thought every heavy head might want to have a little acupuncture, since it was in vogue, so… |
|
|
| rfowkes |
| ...he assisted in the roundup of all the people within a 100 mile radius of Boulder for some acupuncture treatments. While needles were fine for people over 12 years of age, another method had to be employed for the young'uns. Jeff successfully combined acupuncture with some tavern games and came up with a workable solution. Little Ming, however, the great grandson of one of the original workers in the Colorado Mines was not amused. In fact he... |
|
|
| Mr. Mom |
| ….went crying to his mama and told about the crazy way Jeff was using their old medicine. She decided to have a little talk with Jeff and came running though the bamboo to find him at…. |
|
|
| rfowkes |
| ...the urinal in the Giant Ogre's house deep within the bamboo forest, attempting to defy the laws of gravity while relieving himself. Mamasan, on one hand, was proud of the fact that Little Ming was now potty trained, but, on the other hand... |
|
|
| Mr. Mom |
| …..was a bit upset with the mess. He takes after his father smiled Mamasan. Big Ming was the village goat milkier and also chief of the fire department. If I could just get Ming to drink green tea, thought Mamasan…. |
|
|
| rfowkes |
| ...then I'd be one very happy Mamasan. Thinking about Big Ming and his sign painting exploits made her long for the day that Little Ming would grow up and join his dad in that endeavor. She hoped, of course, that Little Ming was a little more gifted in the spelling department. It was widely known that Big Ming wasn't the brightest Litchee on the Tree and his errors were legendary throughout Colorado. Particularly embarassing was the time that he... |
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