| Mr. Mom |
| …called Ned Flanders, the only churchgoer she knew. However Ned was busy with his neighbor who was giving Ned a good chewing out because of….. |
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| rfowkes |
| ...some problems with both his and his neighbor's bushes and they agreed to work it out along property lines. When they finally realized that this wasn't working they decided to call in their neighbor, Festus "Popeye" Fogarty, who was known for his ability to "chew out" with the best of them. Unfortunately, Festus wasn't available so... |
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| Mr. Mom |
| …the governor who was working out a custody suit by getting rid of the problem. He said “Hasta la vista, baby!", before he pulled the trigger. He told Ned, “If it bleeds, we can kill it,” and that he would be …. |
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| rfowkes |
| ...available as soon as he completed a project he was working on with one of his interns in Sacramento. The Guv was deeply involved in keeping "abreast" of such situations and had much experience in that arena. Ned felt relieved now that he knew that he had support so he proceeded to... |
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| Mr. Mom |
| …over to Homers to stop the rumors which were spreading through the neighborhood. Bart was not helping matters with his practical jokes and Homer was about to… |
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| rfowkes |
| ...talk to his son about this when he discovered a stash of "unusual" cacti that Bart was planning to bring to school and sell to the 4th graders. Homer realized that the problem was a lot deeper than just some practical jokes and he resolved to... |
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| Mr. Mom |
| …….understand why. He remembered a trip to Arizona and one particular sight “stuck” in their minds. In fact Bart seemed to have a few bad dreams after that outing, thought Homer. I wonder if... |
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| rfowkes |
| ...this is somehow related to that unusual SchlongBong I found in Bart's room last month. I guess I should have picked up a clue or two, especially since Bart insisted on placing his Mountain Dew in my used whiskey bottles, thought Homer. While he pondered the mysteries of puberty, his son was busy... |
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| Mr. Mom |
| …thinking about how to get more of the five fingered weed, which Millhouse had been selling at school. He first found it growing around the cactus on the trip to Arizona and, on a dare, ate some. Now…… |
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| rfowkes |
...Bart was discovering that the effect of the Cheeba was taking its toll on his power of reasoning. He could swear that Tabby had actually flipped him the bird!
Naw! That wasn't possible. It must have been... |
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| Mr. Mom |
| ….just my imagination, thought Bart as the old tune started to play in his head. After six hours of hearing The Temptations song in his head, Bart started to feel like a movie he had just seen on TV. |
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| rfowkes |
...and the next thing he knew he was conjuring up memories of his childhood when, as a mere babe in the wood, he was introduced to the halicinatory effects of Maui Wowie.
"Why is this happening?" he wondered out loud, and the reply came back to him... |
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| rfowkes |
| ...and twinkies lead to non-productive members of society. As Bart saw what lie in front of him if he didn't change his ways... |
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| Mr. Mom |
| ….it was at this moment of clarity that Bart had an out of the body experience. He had closed his eyes and was concentrating on all things godly when in a flash; he was being exported up faster than he could understand. He was shown the reality of where he stood in the universe. It was at this point that… |
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| rfowkes |
...the bus arrived to take him to school. But it was not an ordinary bus. Fueled by the traumatic experiences of the various substances that Bart has subjected his body to, not to mention the visions of Tabby the cat among other recent events, the apparition that pulled up to the curb at the bus stop was a sight to behold.
Or was it just Bart's mind playing tricks on him?
He would soon find out because suddenly... |
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| rfowkes |
...the bus arrived to take him to school. But it was not an ordinary bus. Fueled by the traumatic experiences of the various substances that Bart has subjected his body to, not to mention the visions of Tabby the cat among other recent events, the apparition that pulled up to the curb at the bus stop was a sight to behold.
Or was it just Bart's mind playing tricks on him?
He would soon find out because suddenly... |
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| Mr. Mom |
| …once inside the tabby’s door, things got totally out of whack. There was this strange cat being chased by an even stranger looking clown. Was it Crusty? Was it the windowpane Millhouse had slipped into his milk? Icarumba was all Bart could … |
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| rfowkes |
...muster as he gasped at the incredulity of it all. And then things got even weirder. As the bus continued to plummet through an everchanging landscape, Bart swore that he could see Rowan Atkinson staring in the remake of "10" in the Bo Derek role.
Now he knew that something was amiss. There was only one thing to do in order to escape this madness.... |
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| Mr. Mom |
| …call Ken Kesey and ask for more cool aid. No use coming down now thought Bart. Homer will just choke me so it’s back on the further bus …. |
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| rfowkes |
| ...and then on to school. Bart had an important test to take this morning and he was hoping to be able to sit next to Velma Vavoom who had mastered the art of getting good grades. If only he could... |
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| Mr. Mom |
| …stop thinking about sex. Must be the dope thought Bart, I’ll just think about something else. Bart thought back to a happy moment in his formative days when the Easter bunny… |
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| rfowkes |
| ...was "abreast" of the situation and often joined Bart for a toke or two. Of course, this made the Easter Bunny a bit amorous, and it annoyed the hell out of the denizens of the hen house. In fact it got so bad that Homer.... |
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| Mr. Mom |
| … called upon the head evil doer to see what he had done with his daughter’s addictions. However, it seemed that Dubya was busy with his own bizarre practice of which Lyndon Johnson first started with Lady Bird… |
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| rfowkes |
| ...and which was continued by most of the following occupants of the Oral Office. Of course, Bubba brought this practice to a new level, even enlisting the aid of the youngest generation to help to keep his partner in the dark regarding his shenanigans. Then there was the weird story of... |
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| Mr. Mom |
| ….not having sex with Monica. This turned out to be a rather “sticky” development for Bill when somehow a stain was spotted on her dress. Any who, that moment was immortalized in marble but with an X rating so…. |
|
|
| rfowkes |
| ...most Junior High School class trips to the nation's capital had to avoid many of the sights. In fact, the fallout from Bubba's affairs was more than just "monumental." Various business establishments took it upon themselves to change their name to reflect the current presidential atmosphere. It got so bad that finally... |
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| Mr. Mom |
| …..Hillary put her foot down when Bill wanted to put Monica on the new 69 dollar currency. He thought that the Danes had one heck of a nice Kroner and wished his country just the same…. |
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| rfowkes |
| ..."bill" of fare for their own monetary units. Of course there was a difference between what Bill wanted on the bills... |
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| rfowkes |
| And what Hillary envisioned. In the long run... |
|
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| Mr. Mom |
| ….it was Hillary who got a pleasant surprise when Bill agreed with her choice. However, Bill was interviewing his new secretary when… |
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| rfowkes |
...Hillary barged through the door and explained excitedly, "Bubba, I didn't realize you liked them so chunky or I would have never gone on all those diets to please you!" (Although there was a segment of the population that might have thought that the procedures really weren't working.)
This sudden outburst caused his "interviewee" to make a hasty exit via the Oval Office window and she was making her way down the ledge when... |
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| Mr. Mom |
| ….she came upon the “next hopeful”. He seemed excited by her robust figure and couldn’t wait to leave his own mark on the growing stain in the oval office. However.. |
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| rfowkes |
...the minute that Hillary saw that active trouser snake she ripped off her clothing and bolted for the window, not realizing she was five stories from the ground. The result was not pretty.
About the same time that these events were transpiring... |
|
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| Mr. Mom |
| …Bill was giving thanks to a rather nicely dress out, young, large breasted bird. One particular woman wanted that big drum stick so bad that Bill told her she could have her wish with a little gravy on the side. Meanwhile… |
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| rfowkes |
| ...the other birds who were not chosen tried to think up ways that would make them more attractive to Bubba. One of them thought that Bill would be more attracted to him if it worked on its tan line a bit. Another... |
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| Mr. Mom |
| ….showed Bill a rather novel way to eat pie. “Oh my”, grinned Bill as he thought of the possibilities being presented before him. Hillary always read law books when we… |
|
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| rfowkes |
..."did the deed." Maybe that's why Bill turned elsewhere for satisfaction. Of course, there's always the possibility that when he found out that Hillary was a man he was turned off by the prospect. He probably should have paid closer attention to that picture of her sorority "sisters" that he stumbled across in her bureau drawer!
"Oh, well," mused Bubba, "that's all water under the bridge." It was now time for him to... |
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| Mr. Mom |
| ...give up the controls. Poor Monica couldn’t find a hanky but bubba thought no one would notice. They had been in the captains quarters playing up periscope when… |
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| rfowkes |
...all of a sudden "Little Willie" went limp. "Damn!" thought Bubba, "I never should have had that Vodka Martini at lunch."
Trying to muster up all the strength he could... |
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| Mr. Mom |
| …he used the strap on which was found under the white house bed. It had the slogan “read my lips” on it so Bubba put the device on his head so anyone getting the benefits of the whooper could actually do as the slogan suggested. As Monica reclined to get her … |
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| rfowkes |
...daily dose, a group from the Ladies' Auxillary of Topeka was making it's way through the Rose Garden. They mistook Monica's leaping over the "pole" for a successful field goal and gave the appropriate sign to indicate it was "Gooooooood!"
A White House guard quickly... |
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| Mr. Mom |
| …had turned loose the dope searching dogs and it looks like one has been successful. Monica had just given bill one of her patented oral lessons and must have left a little nose candy on the pres. barber poll. Meanwhile.. |
|
|
| rfowkes |
| ...unbeknownst to the Former First Family, the trouser trout sniffing routine by Fido was merely a ruse. Back in the White House kitchen, the clever dog's cronies were busy gathering some brews for a good old fashioned party! As Fido distracted the humans, the animals were going to... |
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| Mr. Mom |
| ….sneak out the back with the beer. However on the way out they came across Chelsea passed out on the floor. They decided to … |
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| rfowkes |
| ...have their way with the former First Child until they realized that the years had not been too kind to her. Even a three dog (or more) night wasn't a possibility as far as they were concerned. So, instead they decided to... |
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| Mr. Mom |
| …have a contest to see who looked most presidential. It was won by “8-Ball”, who did a wonderful impression of Rutherford B. Hayes, the 19th president. Runner up was… |
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| rfowkes |
| ...Bulldog Crummond who looked remarkably like his owner, Josh "Bulldog" Krysnzsky, who was a limo driver for 5 different presidents. Then there was... |
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| Mr. Mom |
| …whooper and his owner Scott McClellan, the press sec. Whooper like to sniff butts and had the most foul smelling farts due to his baloney diet. One could never trust whooper and everyone knew he was full of baloney but could never prove it. Also there was… |
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| rfowkes |
| ...Fluffy who looked very much like her owner, Mindy the Press attache. And... |
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| rfowkes |
| ...Stilts, who was a dead ringer for Harvey the Handyman, and... |
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| rfowkes |
| ...Mugsy, who was a twin to his owner Barnes the Butler, and... |
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| rfowkes |
| ...Blackie, who was eerily like Renee the Receptionist, and... |
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| rfowkes |
| ...Cookie, who was often mistaken for Charlotte the Chambermaid. But I digress. Meanwhile, somewhere else in D.C.... |
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| Mr. Mom |
| ….the press core dogs were doing their usual, lapping up the beer given them by the hunting breeds from the NRA, while the… |
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| rfowkes |
| ...polar bear from the Alaskan delegation was relieving himself in the men's room thanks to the super abundance of brews being handed out at the all-night kegger. The onlookers were amazed to learn that... |
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| Mr. Mom |
| ……someone had cloned Ben and they were going to ransom him for a full tank of gas. The local animals thought this was a great idea as they hadn’t ridden in the back of Dubya’s pickup in sometime. Lets… |
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| rfowkes |
| ...fill up and then go out partying. "I'll drink to that!" said Scrat the Squirrel, who was known to put away more than a few on a regular basis. At that point... |
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| Mr. Mom |
| ….Nookey, the female polar bear had a little too much beer and was “in the mood” for some fun. As the boys lined up for the action… |
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| rfowkes |
| ...Marvin and Taesha of the local fast food restaurant prepared the burgers for the multitudes that were bound to watch the show and would surely be hungry. At the same time... |
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| Mr. Mom |
| …Nookey had finished off “Nine ball”, and was ready for the next bear to step up to the plate. The boys were somewhat shocked at Nookey’s wanton appetite and stood there with their heads down when… |
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| rfowkes |
| ...someone decided to break the tension by asking the inevitable question. Some of Nookey's friends decided to answer this by demonstrating it. After this... |
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| Mr. Mom |
| …..Dubya decided to try one more time to get through the first chapter of his required reading which Jim Baker had given both Bushes. Daddy had underlined the important parts such as, don’t try to use large words, and always act like your giving a sermon to a redneck congregation. Also, always give a speech in front of, people in the armed service, the GOP, CEO’s, or the oil industry. Meanwhile.. |
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| rfowkes |
...rumors were running rampant that Ol' Dubya had already captured Osama Bin Laden and was waiting for late October to release this fact to the press just in time for the elections. The Bushes were famous for sitting on things until the right moment for political reasons but this seemed a little far fetched. That is, until a picture of Dubya's mom, Babs, surfaced which seemed to suggest that the rumor had some validity.
In an effort to exercise some damage control, Dubya... |
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| Mr. Mom |
| …did what he always does, leave town. He tried to convert the Pope to his southern Baptist faith, but found it a hard sell. I bet he doesn’t even belong to the NRA smirked the Pres. After seeing the Pope…. |
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| rfowkes |
| ...the man from Texas rushed back home to the farm to attend a family wedding. After the ceremony... |
|
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| Mr. Mom |
| ….one of Dubya’s old girlfriends happened by and her child had a strange resemblance to the man from the lone star state. When the child saw George, he knew through primal instinct what the truth was… |
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| rfowkes |
| ...and when the primate community found out who their relative was they reacted accordingly. Like it or not... |
|
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| Mr. Mom |
| ….Laura decided right then and there that Dubya’s wild turkey days were over. In fact, this was the beginning of all the first ladies campaign against drugs. Nancy had gotten the idea when visiting the Dubyas down in Crawford and they had gone out for chicken fried steaks at the local café. There… |
|
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| rfowkes |
| ...she met up with Malcolm McDowell who had obviously had a bit too much to drink and was trying to recruit the locals for a game of "Clarabelle the Clown Football." He wasn't meeting with much success so he... |
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| Mr. Mom |
| …was off to see if he could get his nose snaked by kemo because there seemed to be a large obstacle blocking his nasal passage. What surprised them both was.. |
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| rfowkes |
...how easy that Malcolm's nose accepted the snake. Little did Kemo know that McDowell had spent considerable time in the Peace Corps where he practiced the ancient art of Nasal Enlightenment.
Once that was cleared up... |
|
|
| Mr. Mom |
| …..they decided to work on his mind as it was a bit too far to the left. He was forced to watch Foxes News coverage “Operation Iraqi Freedom”, “in a fair and balanced” manner for two week straight. Next they.. |
|
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| rfowkes |
| ...tied him to a chair and subjected him to five days of C3PO playing selections from The Tatooie Cantina on the Accordian. Then... |
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|
| Mr. Mom |
| ….Corbin Bernsen was called upon for some root cannel work and then an extraction when things went south. Then Corbin decided a full excavation was the order of the day and so.. |
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| rfowkes |
| ...he approached the victim gingerly with the appropriate dental instruments. Just as he was about to start the process, a bunch of Corbin's neighbors rushed in and asked him to come and perform a different type of extraction. It seems as though little Tommy Tucker had gotten his head stuck in a chair (once again!) and Hacksaw Harry was having a devil of a time trying to extracate him. So Corbin quickly grabbed his tools and rushed out of the room leaving our hero to... |
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| Mr. Mom |
| …travel to Iraq and open up a used car lot. This is really going to make me rich thought Malcolm; everyone is going to need one of these beauties after democracy is in place. And so… |
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| rfowkes |
...he set up his business in a vacant lot in what used to be downtown Baghdad. His first new acquisition was a "Chia-Bug."
Then came a... |
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| Mr. Mom |
| ….then one which would attract the attention of fire personnel. Then… |
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| rfowkes |
| ...he added a little number that had some minor damage from an encounter with an anchor fence. Next... |
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| Mr. Mom |
| ….was a clean one owner with some personal modifications done by the local Bedouin Chief. Then… |
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| rfowkes |
| ...A Cessna that was only driven to work on occasion by a little old schoolteacher. Tiring of accumulating all these vehicles, Malcolm then set out to... |
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| Mr. Mom |
| …find the perfect salesman for his lot. Slick Johnson was one promising applicant. Also.. |
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| rfowkes |
| ...Gary "goldteeth" Garrison was another go-getter that might be considered if he could just stop smiling so damn much! Malcolm pondered his choices and... |
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| Mr. Mom |
| Just needed more time to think, both men had obvious good points, however when it came to points one girl came to mind for his secretary, Janet Jugs. So… |
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| rfowkes |
...Malcolm seized the opportunity to call her in for an "interview." He planned to ask a series of innocuous questions as he planned his seduction. Unfortunately, Janet was a blonde and, as such, was a few french fries short of a happy meal in the brains department. For example, when Malcolm was helping her fill out the application, to answer the question regarding weight, she took a rather unorthodox approach to determine this.
There were going to be problems, Malcolm thought, but... |
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| Mr. Mom |
| …when he found out she could wrench as well as type, well she looked more promising by the minute. Then.. |
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| rfowkes |
| ...there was Janet's uncanny ability to take out the garbage without denting the cans. People couldn't figure out how this was possible, but Malcolm didn't dwell on that. He was now ready to... |
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| Mr. Mom |
| …hire the service department personnel. These girls really know how to handle a wrench, smiled Malcolm. I don’t think any of these desert rats have ever seen a red blooded American girl. They will be lining up to buy… |
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| rfowkes |
| ...whatever I choose to sell, no matter how outrageous the product is! Excited, Malcolm proceeded to... |
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| Mr. Mom |
| ...sell coke cola. They all want our lifestyle thought Malcolm so this is bound to be a hit. However, one of the Iraq women had been watching the Tijuana Historical Channel and had a little problem… |
|
|
| rfowkes |
| ...something quite similar to what had happened to Malcolm's slightly swishly cousin "Curious" George. Is seems as though he had some ugly experiences with furry animals. That is, until he discovered a substitute that both satisfied him and was a far safer alternative. Once again technology came to the rescue and this gave Malcolm a brilliant idea. He would... |
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| Mr. Mom |
| …have the office decorated in an “early modern anal motif”. It seemed to Malcolm that most Iraq’s needed hygiene lessons and so this would be another positive American intervention. And so… |
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| rfowkes |
| ...he went ahead with the renovations and then started the recruitment program to assemble a staff. First up was a search for a data entry/typist. Next... |
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| Mr. Mom |
| Was Lola, the loan officer who could size up a potential customer in three seconds. Then |
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| rfowkes |
| ...Velma Vaughn whose major talent appeared to be the ability to make the "V for Victory" sign in a most appealing fashion. And then there was... |
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| Mr. Mom |
| …the car washing team of Sparkle and Buff. This rounded out the team and their first customer was… |
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| rfowkes |
| ...unlucky Lucy who had a bit of water damage to her car that she hoped the girls would be able to handle. Next up was... |
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| Mr. Mom |
| Omar, who had just made his final payment when a GI from Lubbock thought the was going over the speed limit of 5 mph. Next customer was… |
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