| hammermdx |
No. 1: A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A small rabbit saw the crow, and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?"
The crow answered: "Sure, why not." So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested.
All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Management Lesson:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.
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No. 2: A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree,"
sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy"
"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients." The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree.
Soon he was spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.
Management Lesson:
Bull**** might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.
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No. 3: A little bird was flying south for the winter.
It was so cold, the bird froze and fell to the ground in a large field. While it was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on it. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, it began to realize how warm it was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.
A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him!
Management Lesson:
1) Not everyone who drops doodo on you is your enemy.
2) Not everyone who gets you out of doodo is your friend.
3) And when you're in deep doodo, keep your mouth shut!
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No 4: The boy rode on the donkey and the old man walked. As they went along, some people remarked "it was a shame the old man was walking and the boy was riding". The man and boy thought maybe the critics were right, so they changed positions. Later, they passed some people that remarked, "What a shame, he makes that little boy walk." They decided they both would walk! Soon they passed some more people who thought they were stupid to walk when they had a decent donkey to ride. So they both rode the donkey!
Now they passed some people that shamed them saying "how awful to put such a load on a poor donkey". The boy and man said they were probably right so they decided to carry the donkey. As they crossed a bridge, they lost their grip on the donkey and it fell into the river and drowned.
Management Lesson:
If you try to please everyone, you will eventually lose your ass! |
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| EXCALIBUR |
A man came home from work one day to find his wife sitting on the front porch with her bags packed.
He asked her where she was going, and she replied, "I'm going to Las Vegas."
He questioned her as to why she was going, and she told him "I just found out that I can make $400.00 a night doing what I give you for free."
He pondered that for a while, went into the house, packed his bags and returned to the porch and his wife.
She said, "And just where do you think you are going?"
He replied, "I'm going, too."
"Why?" she asked.
He said, "I want to see how you are going to live on $800.00 a year." |
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| msu79gt82 |
Last week I purchased a burger at Burger King for $1.58. The counter girl took my $2 and I was digging for my change when I pulled 8 cents from my pocket and gave it to her. She stood there, holding the nickel and 3 pennies, while looking at the screen on her register. I sensed her discomfort and tried to tell her to just give me two quarters, but she hailed the manager for help. While he tried to explain the transaction to her, she stood there and cried.
Why do I tell you this? Please read more about the "history of teaching math":
Teaching Math In 1950
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit?
Teaching Math In 1960
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit?
Teaching Math In 1970
A logger exchanges a set "L" of lumber for a set "M" of money. The cardinality of set "M" is 100. Each element is worth one dollar. Make 100 dots representing the elements of the set "M." The set "C," the cost of production, contains 20 fewer points than set "M." Represent the set "C" as a subset of set "M." Answer this question: What is the cardinality of the set "P" of profits?
Teaching Math In 1980
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20. Your assignment: Underline the number 20.
Teaching Math In 1990
By cutting down beautiful forest trees, the logger makes $20. What do you think of this way of making a living? Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the forest birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down the trees? (There are no wrong answers)
Teaching Math In 2000
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $120. How does Arthur Anderson determine that his profit margin is $60?
Teaching Math In 2005
El hachero vende un camion carga por $100. La cuesta de production es............. |
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| xfactor |
An award should go to the United Airlines gate agent in Denver for being smart and funny, and making her point, when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo.
During the final days at Denver's old Stapleton airport, a crowded United flight was cancelled. A single agent was rebooking a long line of inconvenienced travelers.
Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS."
The agent replied, "I'm sorry sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these folks first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out." The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "Do you have any idea who I am?"
Without hesitating, the gate agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone. "May I have your attention please?" she began, her voice bellowing throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at the gate WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to Gate 17."
With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the United agent, gritted his teeth and swore "**** you."
Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to stand in line for that too."
:2: |
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| remydog |
quote:
Originally posted by xfactor
An award should go to the United Airlines gate agent in Denver for being smart and funny, and making her point, when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo.
:2:
Very funny, but she's lucky she didn't get shot! |
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| EXCALIBUR |
A Blonde woman walks into a chemist and asks the assistant for some bottom deodorant. The assistant, a little bemused, explains to the woman that they don't sell bottom deodorant, and never have. The blonde, unfazed, assures the lady behind the counter, that she has been buying the stuff from here on a regular basis, and would like some more.
The shop assistant thinks for a minute, knowing full well that they don't stock, or have ever sold such an item, smiles at the thick blonde pillock, and says, "One moment please, I will get the Chemist."
The chemist looks at the blonde and says, "Can I help you miss?"
"I would like to buy some bottom deodorant please," says the blonde.
"I'm sorry," says the chemist, "we don't have any."
"But I always get it here," says the blonde.
"Do you have the container it comes in?"
"Yes!" Said the blonde, "I will go and get it."
She returns with the container and hands it to the chemist who looks at it and says to the woman, "This is just a normal stick of under-arm deodorant".
The annoyed blonde snatches the container back and reads out loud from the container, "To apply, push up bottom."
:1pat: |
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| DaleB |
The Smart Old Farmer
An old farmer in Georgia had owned a farm for many years. He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nice; picnic tables, horseshoe courts, basketball court, etc. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw a bunch of young women skinny dipping in his pond.
He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end of the pond.
One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"
The old man replied, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked. I'm here to feed the alligator."
Moral: Old age and cunning will triumph over youth and enthusiasm every time. |
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| luvdodo |
:12: :15: :19: :21: :22: :26: :29: :31:
Hope you liked it ? |
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| luvdodo |
No comments on my previous restroom joke ? :p
Here's a very good converation - that most of us would have faced some day in life....
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The wife is busy frying eggs, when her husband comes home.
He walks into the kitchen and immediately starts yelling: "CAREFUL !!!
CAREFUL !!!MORE OIL !!!TURN THEM !!!TURN THEM NOW !!!WE NEED MORE OIL !!!
THEY ARE GOING TO STICK !!! CAREFUL !!! CAREFUL !!!TURN THEM !!! TURN THEM!!! HURRY UP!!! ARE YOU CRAZY!!!!
THE OIL IS GOING TO SPILL !!! USE MORE SALT !!! THE SALT!!!!"
The wife is very upset: "What the hell is wrong with you? Why are you yelling like this?
Do you think I don't know how to fry an egg?"
The husband calmly replies: "This is to show you what it feels like for me when I am driving and you sit next to me..."
Kool, heh ?:1: Have your spouses read this one :) |
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| msu79gt82 |
... however the color pictures were a nice addition over the earlier post.
quote:
Originally posted by luvdodo
No comments on my previous restroom joke ? :p
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| luvdodo |
cardingtr - LOL! Too kool!!
:cool:
Here's one .....
making marraiges last
My wife and I have the secret to making a marriage last:
1. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, have a little wine, some good food and companionship.
She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.
2. We also sleep in separate beds.
Hers is in Sydney and mine is in Melbourne.
3. I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.
4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary.
"Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said.
So I suggested the kitchen.
5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric bread
maker Then she said, "There are too many gadgets and no place to sit down!".
So I bought her an electric chair.
7. Remember.... Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.
Statistically, 100% of all divorces started with marriage.
8. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.
9. I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months. I don't like to
interrupt her.
10. The last fight was my fault. My wife asked, "What's on the TV?"....
I said, "Dust!" |
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| msu79gt82 |
A city boy, Kenny, moved to the country and bought a donkey from an old farmer for $100. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day.
The next day the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry son, but I have bad news, the donkey died." Kenny replied, "Well, give me my money back." The farmer said, "Can't do that. I spent it already." Kenny said, "OK give me the donkey."
The farmer asked, "What ya gonna do with him?" Kenny answered, "I'm going to raffle him off." Farmer, "You can't raffle off a dead donkey!" Kenny, "Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he is dead."
A month later the farmer met up with Kenny and asked, "What happened with that dead donkey?" Kenny, "I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at 2 dollars a piece and made a profit of $898."
Farmer, "Didn't anyone complain?" Kenny, "Just the guy who won. So I gave him his 2 dollars back." |
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| msu79gt82 |
A newlywed couple returned to their apartment after being on their honeymoon.
"Care to go upstairs and do it?" the husband asked.
"Shh!" said the bride "All the neighbors will know what we're about to do. These walls are paper thin. In the future, we'll have to ask each other in code. For example, how about asking, 'Have you left the washing machine door open' instead?"
So, the following night, the husband asks, "I don't suppose you left the washing machine door open, did you?"
"No, I definitely shut it," replied the wife who rolled over and fell asleep.
When she woke up however, she was feeling a little frisky herself and she nudged her husband and said, "I think I did leave the washing machine door open after all. Would you like to do some washing?"
"No, thanks," said the husband. "It was only a small load so I did it by hand." |
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| msu79gt82 |
Nike Condoms: Just do it.
Toyota Condoms: Oh what a feeling.
Diet Pepsi Condoms: You got the right one, baby.
Pringles Condoms: Once you pop, you can't stop.
Mentos Condoms: The freshmaker.
Flintstones Vitamins Condom Pack: Ten million strong and growing.
Secret Condoms: Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman.
Macintosh Condoms: It does more, it costs less, its that simple.
Ford Condoms: The best never rest.
Chevy Condoms: Like a rock.
Dial Condoms: Aren't you glad you use it? Don't you wish everybody did?
New York Lotto Condoms: Cause hey-- you never know.
California Lotto Condoms: Who's next?
Avis Condoms: Trying harder than ever.
KFC Condoms: Finger-Licking Good.
Coca Cola Condoms: Always a Real Thing.
Lays Condoms: Betcha can't have just one.
Cambells Soup Condoms: Mm, mm good.
The Carl's Jr. Condom: If it doesn't get all over the place, it doesn't belong in your face...
General Electric: We bring good things to life!
AT&T condom: 'Reach out and touch someone.'
Bounty: The quicker picker upper.
Microsoft: where do you want to go today ?
Energizer: It keeps going and going and going....
M&M condom: 'It melts in your mouth, not in your hands!'
Chevron: use them? people do.
Taco Bell: get some; make a run for the border
MCI: for friends and family
Double Mint: Double your pleasure, double your fun!
The Sears latex condom: One coat is good for the entire winter
Delta Airlines travel pack: Delta's ready when you are
United Airlines travel pack: Fly United
The Star Trek Condom: To Boldly Go Where No Man Has Gone Before
Wendy Condoms: Where's the beef?
Denny's Condoms: $1.99 Grand Slam
Mazda Condom: It Just Feels Right!
Maxwell House: Good to the last drop!
McDonalds condom: Over 99 billion served
Hewlett Packard condoms: Expanding Possibilities
Burger King: Have it your way
Dairy Queen: We treat you right
AOL: So easy to use, no wonder it's #1 |
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| msu79gt82 |
A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle; I'm still a virgin. What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?
"Well, husband #1 was a Sales Representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be.
Husband #2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.
Husband #3 was from Field Services; he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.
Husband #4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, didn't know when he would be able to deliver.
Husband #5 was an Engineer; he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.
Husband #6 was from Finance and Administration; he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.
Husband #7 was in Marketing; although he had a product, he was never sure how to position it.
Husband #8 was a psychiatrist; all he ever did was talk about it.
Husband #9 was a gynecologist; all he did was look at it.
Husband #10 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was ... God, I miss him!
"But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!" she said. "Good," said the husband, "but, why?" She answered, "Duh; you're a LAWYER. This time I KNOW I'm gonna get screwed!" |
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| msu79gt82 |
A huge muscular man walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender hands him the beer and says, "You know, I'm not gay but I want to compliment you on your physique, it really is phenomenal! I have a question though, why is your head so small?"
The big guy nods slowly. He's obviously fielded this question many times.
"One day," he begins, "I was hunting when I got lost in the woods. I heard someone crying for help and finally realized that it was coming from a frog sitting next to a stream."
So I picked up the frog and it said, "Kiss me. Kiss me and I will turn into a genie and grant you 3 wishes."
So I looked around to make sure I was alone and gave the frog a kiss. POOF! The frog turned into a beautiful, voluptuous, naked woman.
She said, "You now have 3 wishes."
I looked down at my scrawny 115 pound body and said, "I want a body like Arnold Schwarzenneger."
She nodded, whispered a spell, and POOF! there I was, so huge that I ripped out of my clothes and was standing there naked!
She then asked, "What will be your second wish?"
I looked hungrily at her beautiful body and replied, "I want to make sensuous love with you here by this stream." She nodded, laid down, and beckoned to me. "We then made love for hours!"
Later, as we lay there next to each other, sweating from our glorious lovemaking, she whispered into my ear, "You know, you do have one more wish. What will it be?"
I looked at her and replied, "How about a little head?" |
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| msu79gt82 |
During the past year I have tried to make love to you 365 times. I have succeeded 36 days. The following is a list of why I did not succeed more often:
54 times the sheets were clean
17 times it was too late
49 times you were too tired
20 times it was too hot
5 times you pretended to be asleep
22 times you had a headache
17 times you were afraid of waking the baby
16 times you said you were too sore
12 times it was the wrong time of the month
19 times you had to get up early
9 times you said weren't in the mood
7 times you were sunburned
6 times you were watching the late show
5 times you didn't want to muss your new hairdo
3 times you said the neighbors would hear us
9 times you said your mother would hear us
Of the 36 times I did succeed, the activity was not satisfactory
because:
6 times you just laid there,
8 times you reminded me there's a crack in the ceiling,
4 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with,
7 times I had to wake you and tell you I finished, and one time I was afraid I had hurt you because I felt you move. |
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| msu79gt82 |
I think you have things a little confused. Here are the reasons you didn't get more than you did:
5 times you came home drunk and tried to screw the cat
36 times you did not come home at all
21 times you didn't cum
33 times you came too soon
19 times you went soft before you got in
38 times you worked too late
10 times you got cramps in your toes
29 times you had to get up early to play golf
2 times you were in a fight and someone kicked you in the balls
4 times you got it stuck in your zipper
3 times you had a cold and your nose was running
2 times you had a splinter in your finger
20 times you lost the notion after thinking about it all day
6 times you came in your pajamas while reading a dirty book
98 times you were too busy watching football, baseball,etc. on TV.
Of the times we did get together the reason I laid still was because you missed and were screwing the sheets. I wasn't talking about the crack in the ceiling, what I said was , "would you prefer me on my back or kneeling?" The time you felt me move was because you farted and I was trying to breathe. |
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| msu79gt82 |
Accountants do it with Double Entry
Acupuncturists do it with a small prick
Ambulance drivers come quicker
Australians do it Down Under
Bach did it using the organ
Bankers do it with interest
Batman does it using his Robin
Bookkeepers do it for the record
Bosses delegate the task to others
Chess players check their Mates
Cops do it with cuffs
DJs do it on request
Deep-sea divers do it under extreme pressure
Dentists do it orally
Detectives do it under cover
Don't do it with Bankers, most of them are Tellers
Elevator men do it up and down
Engineers do it to specifications
Engineers do it to a first order approximation
Firemen do it with a big hose
Frank Sinatra does it his way
Garbagemen come twice a week
Gardeners do it on the bushes
Gas attendants Pump all day
Geologists do it on the Rocks
Golfers do it in 18 holes
Landlords do it every 1st of the month
Managers make others do it
Marketing reps do it on commission
Pizza delivery man comes in 30 minutes or it's free
Teachers do it with class
Waiters and waitresses do it for tips |
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| msu79gt82 |
Sex in a boat - oar-gasms.
Sex with a nerd - dork-gasms.
Sex at the entrance to your house - door-gasms.
Sex on carpet or linoleum - floor-gasms.
Sex at the supermarket - store-gasms.
Sex at a Steven King Movie - horror-gasms.
Sex with a prostitute - whore-gasms.
Sex with an accountant - bore-gasms.
Sex while sleeping - snore-gasms.
Sex with 'Arthur' - Dudley Moore-gasms.
Sex with cartoon donkeys - Eyeore-gasms.
Sex while broke - poor-gasms.
Sex with a lion - roar-gasms.
Sex for hours and hours on end - sore-gasms.
Sex on a golf course - fore-gasms.
Sex with a nymphomaniac (or Ritzi) - more-gasms.
Sex in a gold mine - ore-gasms.
Sex with a dermatologist - pore-gasms.
Sex with a politician - Al Gore-gasms.
Sex with Chocolate, marshmallows, and graham crackers - s'more-gasms.
Sex with a bullfighter - toreador-gasms.
Sex with a masked man carrying a sword - zorro-gasms.
Sex on the beach - shore-gasms.
Sex at an all-you-can-eat buffet - smorgasbord-gasms.
Sex on a cruise ship deck - shuffleboard-gasms.
Sex in asia - Singapore-gasms.
Sex among the wonders of nature - outdoor-gasms.
Sex in the vicinity of a garbage can - odor-gasms.
Sex on the way to the train - 'All Aboard'-gasms.
Sex that wasn't very satisfying - 'There's the door'-gasms.
Sex in an adult theater - hard-core-gasms.
Sex with someone who's not paying attention - ignore-gasms.
Sex with a competitive partner - score-gasms.
Sex while flying - soar-gasms.
Sex with a beloved partner - adore-gasms.
Sex with a meat-eater - carnivore-gasms.
Sex with a person who's got a really bad hairdo - pompadore-gasms.
Sex with someone who's got bad taste in clothes - velour-gasms.
Sex while travelling - tour-gasms.
Sex with a big dog - labrador-gasms.
Sex with Beavis and Butthead - 'GonnaScore'-gasms.
Sex on stairs at the mall - escalator-gasms.
Sex with three of your friends - four-gasms.
Sex with a norse God - Thor-gasms.
Sex when resistance is futile - Borg-gasms. |
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| msu79gt82 |
This story occurred on the radio last week. One of the FM stations has a competition where they ring someone up, ask them three personal questions, ring their spouse or partner, ask them the same three questions, if the answers are the same, the couple wins an overseas holiday. Last week the competition went like this:
Presenter: Hey its XXX-FM, do you want to play the game?
James: Yeah, sure.
Presenter: O.K., Question 1 - When was the last time you had sex?
James: Ha Ha, well, about 8 o'clock this morning.
Presenter: And how long did it go for James?
James: Hmmmmm .... about 10 minutes.
Presenter:10 minutes? Good one. And where did you do it?
James: Ohhhh , I can't say that.
Presenter: There's a holiday to Bali at stake here James!
James: O.K. ... O.K. ... On the kitchen table.
Presenter (and others in the room - much laughter): Good one James, now is it O.K. for us to call your wife?
James: Yeah, alright.
Presenter: Hi Sharelle, how are you?
Sharelle: Hi. Good thanks.
Presenter: (Explains competition again) We've got James on the other line, say hello.
Sharelle: Hi James.
James: Hi Sharelle.
Presenter: Now Sharelle, we're going to ask you the same three questions we asked James and if you give the same answers, you win a trip for two to Bali.
James: Just tell the truth Honey.
Sharelle: O.K.
Presenter: Sharelle, when was the last time you had sex?
Sharelle: Oohhhh, noooooo. I can't say that on the radio.
James: Sharelle, it doesn't matter. I've already told them.
Sharelle: O.K. ... About 8:00 this morning before James went to work.
Presenter: Good, nice start! Next question. How long did it go for Sharelle?
Sharelle (giggling): About 12, maybe 15 minutes.
Co-Presenter: That's close enough ... James was just being a gentleman.
Presenter: O.K. Sharelle, final question. Where did you do it?
Sharelle: Oh no I can't say that. My mom could be listening. No way, no.
Presenter: There's a trip to Bali on the line here.
James: Sharelle, I've already told them so it doesn't matter anyway.. just tell em.
Sharelle: Ohhhh .... alright .... Up the ass!
Radio Silence |
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| msu79gt82 |
1. Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?"
2. Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there? I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta its butt."
3. Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
4. If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?
5. Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?
6. Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?
7. Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?
8 Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!
9. If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that Acme crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?
10. If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
11. If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?
12. If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
13 Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
14. Stop singing and read on..........
15. Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
16. Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?
17. Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?
18. Do you ever wonder why you read lists like this in the first place? |
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| EXCALIBUR |
Roger is a hard worker, and he spends most of his nights bowling or playing volleyball. One weekend, his wife decides that he needs to relax a little and take a break from sports, so she takes him to a strip club. The doorman at the club spots them and says "Hey Roger! How are you tonight?"
His wife, surprised, asks her husband if he has been here before. "No, no. He's just one of the guys I bowl with."
They are seated, and the waitress approaches, sees Roger and says "Nice to see you, Roger. A gin and tonic as usual?"
His wife's eyes widen. "You must come here a lot!"
"No, no" says Roger "I just know her from volleyball."
Then a stripper walks up to the table. She throws her arms around Roger and says "Roger! A table dance as usual?"
His wife, fuming, collects her things and storms out of the bar. Roger follows her and spots her getting into a cab, so he jumps into the passenger seat. His wife looks at him, seething with fury and lets Roger have it with both barrels.
At this, the cabby leans over and says "Sure looks like you picked up a b*tch tonight, Roger!":4: |
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| msu79gt82 |
1. Your stall warning plays DIXIE.
2. Your cross-country flight plan uses flea markets as checkpoints.
3. You think sectionals should show trailer parks.
4. You've used moonshine as AV-Gas.
5. Your 172's wheel pants have mud flaps with a chrome silhouette of a reclining nude.
6. Your toothpick keeps poking your mike.
7. You've taxied around the airport just drinking beer.
8. You wouldn't be caught dead in a Grumman Yankee.
9. You use an old sweet mix sack as a windsock.
10. You constantly confuse "Beechcraft" with "Beechnut."
11. You've never flown a nose-wheel airplane.
12. You refer to formation flying as "We got us a convoy."
13. Your matched set of lightweight flying luggage is 3 grocery bags from Piggly Wiggly.
14. You have a gun rack in the rear window.
15. You have more than one roll of duct tape holding your cowling on.
16. You figure mud and manure in your weight and balance calculations.
17. You siphon gas from your tractor to go flying.
18. You've never landed at an actual airport even though you've been flying for over 20-years.
19. You've ground looped to avoid hitting a cow.
20. You consider anything over 500-ft AGL as High Altitude Flying.
21. There are parts on your aircraft labeled "John Deere."
22. You don't own a current sectional, but have all the Texaco road maps for your area.
23. There's a brown streak down each side of your airplane; exhaust on the right side and tobacco on the left.
24. You have to buzz the strip to chase off the livestock before landing.
25. You use an old parachute for a portable hangar.
26. You've landed on Main Street for a cup of coffee.
27. The tread pattern, if any, on all three of your tires is different.
28. You have a pair of fuzzy dice and some small copper shoes hanging from the Magnetic Compass.
29. You put straw in the baggage compartment so your dogs don't get cold.
30. You've got matching bumper stickers on each side of the vertical stabilizer.
31. There are grass stains on the tips of your propeller.
32. Somewhere on your plane, there's a bumper sticker that reads "I'd rather be fishing."
33. You navigate with your ADF tuned to only AM country stations.
34. You think an ultra light is a new sissy beer from Budweiser.
35. Just before the crash, everybody on the UNICOM heard you say, "Hey Y'all- Watch This!" |
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| MDteX |
The room was full of pregnant women and their partners, and the Lamaze class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly, along with informing the men how to give the necessary assurances at this stage of the plan.
The teacher then announced, "Ladies, exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. And, gentlemen, it wouldn't hurt you to take the time to go walking with your partner."
The room really got quiet. Finally, a man in the middle of the group raised his hand.
"Yes?" replied the teacher.
"Is it all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?" |
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| marktr6 |
A mother and her son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas City to
Chicago . The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother
and asked, " If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why
don't big planes have baby planes?" The mother (who couldn't think of an
answer) told her son to ask the stewardess. So the boy asked the stewardess,
"If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big
planes have baby planes?"
The stewardess responded, "Did your mother tell you to ask me?" The boy
said, "Yes she did." "Well, then, tell your mother that there are no baby
planes because Southwest always pulls out on time. Have your mother explain
that to you." |
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| marktr6 |
A small boy was lost at a large shopping mall.
He approached a uniformed policeman and said, "I've lost my grandpa!"
The cop asked, "What's he like?"
The little boy replied, "Miller Lite and women with big tits"! |
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| zafer |
Q: Your name please?
A: Abdul Aziz Mohammed
Q: Sex?
A: Yes. Two times every week.
Q: No no. I mean, Male or Female?
A: Not matter. Sometimes also camel. |
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| marktr6 |
A young doctor had moved out to a small community
to replace a doctor who was retiring.
The older doctor suggested the young one
accompany him on his rounds so the community
could become used to a new doctor
At the first house a woman complained, "I've been
a little sick to my stomach." The older
doctor said, "Well, you've probably been
overdoing the fresh fruit. Why not cut back on
the amount you've been eating and see if that
does the trick?"
As they left the younger man said, "You didn't
even examine that woman. How'd you come to
your diagnosis so quickly?"
"I didn't have to. You noticed I dropped my
stethoscope on the floor in there? When I bent
over to pick it up, I noticed a half dozen banana
peels in the trash. That was what was
probably making her sick."
"Huh," the younger doctor said, "Pretty clever. I
think I'll try that at the next house."
Arriving at the next house, they spent several
minutes talking with a younger woman. She
complained that she just didn't have the energy
she once did. "I'm feeling terribly run
down lately."
"You've probably been doing too much work for the
church," the younger doctor told her.
"Perhaps you should cut back a bit and see if
that helps."
As they left, the elder doc said, "Your diagnosis
is almost certainly correct, but how did
you arrive at it?"
"Well, just like you did at the last house, I
dropped my stethoscope and when I bent down
to retrieve it, I noticed the preacher under the
bed." |
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| marktr6 |
A young blonde woman in East Dubuque, Illinois was so depressed that
she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the Mississippi River. She
went down to the docks and was about to leap into the frigid water when a
handsome young sailor
saw her tottering on the edge of the dock, crying.
He took pity on her and said, "Look, you have so much to live for." I'm off
to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you
away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food
every day."Moving closer, he slipped his arm round her shoulder and added,
"I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy."
The girl nodded yes. After all, what did she have to lose?
Perhaps a fresh start in Europe would give her life new meaning.
That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat.
from then on, every night her brought her three sandwiches and a
pirce of fruit, and they mad passionate love until dawn.
Three weeks later, during a routine inspection, she was
discovered by the captain. "What are you doing here?" the captain
asked.
I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she explained. "I
get food and a trip to Europe, and he's screwing me."
"He certainly is," the captain said. "This is the Diamond Joe
Casino, and we never leave Dubuque, Iowa." |
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| ByeByeChrysler |
Here's some sure signs you may be a Canadian...
You're not offended by the term, "Homo Milk"
You understand, "Could you please pass me a serviette, I just spilled my poutine."
You know what it means to be on 'pogey'.
You know that "a mickey" and "2-4's" mean "Party at the cabin, eh!!"
You don't hold your hand on your breast when you sing the national anthem.
You can drink legally while still a 'teen'.
You don't give a hoot about the fuss with Cuba, it's just a cheap place to travel to and has good cigars.
You're not sure if the leader of our nation has EVER had sex and don't want to know if he has!
You get milk in bags as well as cartons and plastic jugs.
You know that Mounties "don't always look like that."
You know that Canada is the only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to the ground.
You dismiss all beers under 6% alcohol content as "for children and the elderly, and for export to the US".
You are excited whenever an American television show mentions Canada.
You believe "the Canadian Conspiracy" should have won an Oscar.
You laugh afterward at some U.S. citizens' lack of knowledge of Canadian geography, but you are too polite to correct them.
You design your Hallowe'en costume to fit over a snowsuit.
You have more miles on your snowblower than your car.
You think sexy lingerie is tube-socks and a flannel nightie with only 8 buttons.
You owe more money on your snowmobile than your car.
At least twice a year, the kitchen doubles as a meat processing plant.
You frequently clean grease off your barbeque so the bears won't prowl on your deck.
The municipality buys a Zamboni before a bus.
You know which leaves make good toilet paper. |
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| ByeByeChrysler |
How to identify a Canadian driver:
1. - One hand on wheel, one hand on horn: MONTREAL
2. - One hand on wheel, one finger out window: TORONTO
3. - One hand on wheel, one finger out window, cutting across all lanes of traffic: OTTAWA
4. - Both hands on wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake, quivering in terror: SASKATOON, but driving in TORONTO
5. - Both hands in air, gesturing, both feet on accelerator, head turned to talk to someone in the back seat: QUEBEC CITY
6. - One hand on 12 oz. double shot latte, one knee on wheel, cradling cell phone, foot on brake, mind on radio game, banging head on steering wheel while stuck in traffic: VANCOUVER
7. - One hand on wheel, one hand on hunting rifle, alternating between both feet being on the brake and both feet on the accelerator, throwing McDonald's bag out the window: RED DEER
8. - Four wheel drive pick-up truck, shotgun mounted in rear window, beer cans on the floor, raccoon tails attached to the antenna: PRINCE GEORGE
9. - Two hands gripping wheel, blue hair barely visible above windshield driving 40 km/hr on Hwy 1 in the left lane with the left blinker on: VICTORIA
10. - One ski-doo mitt on steering wheel, one ski-doo mitt scrapper in hand out front window scrapping frost, Guess Who on 8 track playing Share The Land, hockey equipment smelling up car interior, waiting at lights for snow removal equipment to finish clearing intersection: WINNIPEG |
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| msu79gt82 |
| New Computer Upgrade |
|
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| msu79gt82 |
| Don't I wish :D :1: |
|
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| msu79gt82 |
| Ctrl - Alt - Delete |
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| marktr6 |
Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, living in Florida, are all excited
about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the
wedding and on the way they pass a drugstore. Jacob suggests they go in.
Jacob addresses the man behind the counter: "Are you the owner?"
The pharmacist answers "Yes".
Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"
Pharmacist: "Of course we do."
Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"
Pharmacist: "All kinds."
Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism, scoliosis?"
Pharmacist: "Definitely."
Jacob: "How about Viagra?"
Pharmacist: "Of course."
Jacob: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, Jaundice?"
Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The works."
Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for
Parkinson's disease?"
Pharmacist: "Absolutely."
Jacob: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers?"
Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes."
Jacob says to the pharmacist: "We'd like to use this store as our Bridal Registry." |
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| EXCALIBUR |
A professor of mathematics sent a fax to his wife. It read:
"Dear Wife: You must realize that you are 54 years old, and I have certain needs which you are no longer able to satisfy. I am otherwise happy with you as wife, and I sincerely hope you will not be hurt or offended to learn that by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Grand Hotel with my 18-year-old teaching assistant. I'll be home before midnight. -Your Husband"
When he arrived at the hotel, there was a faxed letter waiting for him that read as follows:
"Dear Husband: You, too, are 54 years old, and by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with the 18- year-old pool boy. Being the brilliant mathematician that you are, you can easily appreciate the fact that 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18. Don't wait up.":eek: |
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| EXCALIBUR |
A man and a woman were waiting at the hospital donation center.
Man: "What are you doing here today?"
Woman: "Oh, I'm here to donate some blood. They're going to give me $5 for it."
Man: "Hmm, that's interesting. I'm here to donate sperm, myself. But they pay me $25."
The woman looked thoughtful for a moment and they chatted some more before going their separate ways.
A couple months later, the same man and woman meet again in the donation center.
Man: "Oh, hi there! Here to donate blood again?"
Woman: [shaking her head with mouth closed] "Unh unh.":D |
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| msu79gt82 |
A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife's going to have her baby in the cab!" I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs, and I was in the wrong one. - San Antonio, TX
At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. "Big breaths," I instructed. "Yes, they used to be," remorsefully replied the patient. - Seattle, WA
One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a "massive internal fart." - Manitoba, Canada
I was performing a complete physical, including the visual acuity test. I placed the patient twenty feet from the chart and began, "Cover your right eye with your hand." He read the 20/20 line perfectly. "Now your left." Again, a flawless read. "Now both," I requested. There was silence. He couldn't even read the large E on the top line. I turned and discovered that he had done exactly what I had asked; he was standing there with both his eyes covered. I was laughing too hard to finish the exam. - Worcester, MA |
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| msu79gt82 |
During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his medications. "Which one?" I asked. "The patch. The nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it!" I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body! Now the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one. - Norfolk, VA
While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, "How long have you been bed-ridden?" After a look of complete confusion she answered. "Why, not for about twenty years -- when my husband was alive." - Corvallis, OR
I was caring for a woman from Kentucky and asked, "So, how's your breakfast this morning?" "It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste," the patient replied. I then asked to see the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labeled "KY Jelly." - Detroit, MI
A new, young MD doing his residency in OB was quite embarrassed performing female pelvic exams. To cover his embarrassment he had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly. The middle aged lady upon whom he was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassed him. He looked up from his work and sheepishly said, "I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?" She replied, "No doctor, but the song you were whistling was 'I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener'" - Anonymous |
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| hammermdx |
GEORGE W BUSH
We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road or not. The chicken is either against us or for us. There is no middle ground here.
COLIN POWELL
Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road.
HANS BLIX
We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.
JOHN KERRY
Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it!
RALPH NADER
The chicken's habitat on the other side of the road had been polluted by unchecked industrial greed. The chicken did not reach the unspoiled habitat on the other side of the road because it was crushed by the wheels of a gas-guzzling SUV.
PAT BUCHANAN
To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.
RUSH LIMBAUGH
I don't know why the chicken crossed the road, but I'll bet it was
getting a government grant to cross the road, and I'll bet that somebody out there is already forming a support group to help chickens with crossing-the-road syndrome. Can you believe this? How much more of this can real Americans take? Chickens crossing the road paid for by their tax dollars. And when I say tax dollars, I'm talking about your money, money the government took from you to build a road for chickens to cross.
MARTHA STEWART
No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.
JERRY FALWELL
Because the chicken was gay - isn't it obvious? Can't you people see the plain truth in front of your face? The chicken was going to the "other side." That's what they call it the other side. Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And if you eat that chicken, you will become gay, too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like "the other side."
DR. SEUSS
Did the chicken cross the road?
Did he cross it with a toad?
Yes, the chicken crossed the road,
But why it crossed I've not been told.
ERNEST HEMINGWAY
To die in the rain. Alone.
MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR
I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads
without having their motives called into question.
GRANDPA
In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.
BARBARA WALTERS
Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heartwarming story of how it
experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its lifelong dream of crossing the road.
JOHN LENNON
Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together - in
peace.
ARISTOTLE
It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.
KARL MARX
It was an historic inevitability.
CAPTAIN KIRK
To boldly go where no chicken has ever gone before.
SIGMUND FREUD
The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.
BILL GATES
I have just witnessed eChicken2003, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook, - and Internet Explorer is an integral part of eChicken.
ALBERT EINSTEIN
Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?
BILL CLINTON
I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What is your definition of chicken?
AL GORE
I invented the chicken!
THE BIBLE
And God came down from heaven, and he said unto the chicken: THOU SHALT CROSS THE ROAD. And the chicken didst cross the road, and there was much rejoicing.
COLONEL SANDERS
Did I miss one? |
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| remydog |
Zafer,
Now that IS funny!!
MSK |
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| cardingtr |
A man goes into the doctor's office feeling really bad. After a thorough
examination the doctor calls him into his office and says "I have some bad
news. You have HAGS." "What is HAGS" the man asks. "It's herpes, AIDS,
gonorrhea, and syphilis" says the doctor. "Oh my God" says the man. "What
are you going to do?"
"We are going to put you in an isolated room and feed you pancakes and
pizza." "Is that going to help me" says the man. "No" says the doctor.
"But it's the only food we can think of that we can slide under the door" |
|
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| Maik |
"LIFE"
Is all about ass. You're either
covering it,
laughing it off,
kicking it,
kissing it,
busting it,
or trying to get a piece of it. |
|
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| msu79gt82 |
| ... then life is good :2: :1: :7: |
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| gdot |
A woman goes to her boyfriends' parents' house for Christmas dinner. This is to be her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous.
They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal. The woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort, thanks to her nervousness and the broccoli casserole. The gas pains are almost making her eyes water.
Left with no other choice, she decides to relieve herself a bit and le | | | |
