| DaleB |
Just another day in court:
Q: Are you sexually active?
A: No, I just lie there.
__________________________________
Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July 15th.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.
__________________________________
Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
__________________________________
Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget? Can you give us an example of something that you
forgot??
__________________________________
Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.
__________________________________
Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he awoke
that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.
__________________________________
Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or
the occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.
__________________________________
Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep,
he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
A: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
__________________________________
Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
__________________________________
Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
__________________________________
Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?
__________________________________
Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?
__________________________________
Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
__________________________________
Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?
__________________________________
Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition
notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
__________________________________
Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
__________________________________
Q: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.
__________________________________
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an
autopsy.
__________________________________
Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
__________________________________
Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a
pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you
began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing
law somewhere. |
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| ByeByeChrysler |
Elevator Scene
A redhead, a brunette, and a blonde are riding in an elevator. The redhead notices a spot on the elevator wall and says, "That looks like a cum stain!"
The brunette leans over and smells the stain. "Smells like a cum stain too!"
The blonde leans over and licks the spot on the elevator wall, then says, "Yep, but it's nobody from this building." |
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| xfactor |
Reports surfaced this week that if the Kobe Bryant case goes to trial, Shaquille O'Neal could be called to testify about an alleged encounter Bryant had with a woman at a Thanksgiving party at O'Neal's home in Orlando in 2002.
Of course, we can't be positive how O'Neal's testimony would play out, but we think it would go pretty much like this . . .
http://sports.espn.go.com/espn/page...ge=gallo/040805
:2: |
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| DocWalk20 |
A guy calls his buddy, the horse rancher, and says he's sending a friend over to look at a horse. His buddy asks, "How will I recognize him?"
"That's easy. He's a midget with a speech impediment".
So, the midget shows up, and the guy asks him if he's looking for a male or female horse.
"A female horth."
So he shows him a prized filly.
"Nith lookin horth. Can I thee her eyeth?"
So the rancher picks up his prospective client and he gives the horse's eyes the once over.
"Nith eyeth, can I thee her earzth?"
So the rancher picks the fella up again, and shows him the horse's ears...
"Nith earzth, can I see her mouf?"
The rancher, not the most patient man anyways, is becoming a little upset by this point, but he picks this guy up again and shows him the horse's mouth.
"Nice mouf, can I see her twat?"
At this point, the rancher is incensed, so he grabs this guy under his arms and rams his head as far as he can up the horse's genitals, pulls him out and slams him on the ground.
The fella gets up, sputtering and coughing. He manages a smile and says, "Perhapth I thould wephwase that; can I thee her wun awound a widdlebit"? |
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| EXCALIBUR |
Q: How are tornadoes and marriage alike?
A: They both start off with a lot of blowing and sucking, and in the end you lose your house.:12: |
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| ByeByeChrysler |
A husband and wife were celebrating their 50th anniversary. That night the wife approached her husband wearing the exact same sexy negligee she had worn on their wedding night. She looked at her husband and said, "Honey, do you remember this?"
He looked up at her and said, "Yes dear, I do. You wore that same negligee the night we were married."
She said, "That's right. Do you remember what you said to me that night?"
He nodded and said, "Yes dear, I still remember."
"Well, what was it?" she asked.
He responded, "As I remember, I said, 'Oh baby, I'm going to suck the life out of those big boobs and screw your brains out.' "
She giggled and said, "Yes honey, that's exactly what you said. So, now it's 50 years later, and I'm in the same negligee I wore that night. What do you have to say tonight?"
Again he looked up at her, and he replied, "Mission accomplished." |
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| MDteX |
| :19: That was great! |
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| rjmitche |
Potentially vs. realistically
A young boy went up to his father and asked him, "Dad, what is the difference between potentially and realistically?"
The father thought for a moment, then answered, "Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars. Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. And then, ask your brother if he'd sleep with Tom Cruise for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that."
So the boy went to his mother and asked, "Would you sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars?" - The mother replied, "Of course I would! We could really use that money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great university!"
The boy then went to his sister and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?" - The girl replied, "Oh my God! I LOVE Brad Pitt! I would sleep with him in a heartbeat, are you nuts?!?!?"
The boy then went to his brother and asked, "Would you sleep with Tom Cruise for a million dollars?" - "Of course," the brother replied. "Do you know how much a million could buy?"
The boy pondered the answers for a few days, then went back to his dad. His father asked him, "Did you find out the difference between potentially and realistically?"
The boy replied, "Yes, Sir. Potentially, you and I are sitting on three million dollars, but realistically we're living with two sluts and a queer." |
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| Maik |
A magician worked on a cruise ship. The audience was different
each week, so the magician did the same tricks over and over again.
One problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to
understand how the magician did every trick. Once he understood, he
started shouting in the middle of the show: "Look, it's not the same
hat!" "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table." "Hey, why are
all
the cards the ace of spades?"
The magician was furious, but couldn't do anything. It was, after all,
the
captain's parrot.
Then the ship sank. The magician found himself on a piece of wood in
the
middle of the sea with, as fate would have it, the parrot. They stared
at
each other with hatred, but did not utter a word. This went on for a day
and then another and then another.
Finally on the fourth day, the parrot could not hold back:
"OK, I give up. Where's the f**king ship? |
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| EXCALIBUR |
A married couple was celebrating their 60th wedding anniversary. At the party everybody wanted to know how they managed to stay married so long in this day and age.
The husband responded, "When we were first married we came to an agreement. I would make all the major decisions and my wife would make all the minor decisions. And oddly enuff, in 60 years of marriage we've never needed to make a major decision."
:bonk: |
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| greatscot |
Tickle me Elmo to Buzz Lightyear: "You may have all those fancy gadgets, but I know one thing I got before I left the factory that you didn't get"
Buzz: "What's that?"
Elmo: "a test tickle" |
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| hammermdx |
A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a Harley motorcycle when he spotted a well-known heart surgeon in his shop. The surgeon was there waiting for the service manager to look at his bike when the mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey Doc, can I ask you a question?"
The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take the valves out, repair any damage, and then put them back in, and when I finish, it works just like new. So, how come I get such a small salary and you get the really big bucks, when you and I are doing basically the same work?"
The surgeon paused, leaned over and whispered to him, "Try doing it with the engine running." |
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| Emerald01 |
That's funny. Here's another one. Hopefully you haven't seen it before. I just got it today in an email.
____________________________________
Sex after 60
An elderly couple is enjoying an anniversary dinner
together in a small tavern.
The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you
remember the first time we had sex together over fifty
years ago? We went behind this tavern where you leaned
against the fence and I made love to you."
Yes," she says, "I remember it well."
OK," he says, "How about taking a stroll 'round there
again and we can do it for old time's sake."
"Oooooooh Henry, you devil, that sounds like a good
idea," she answers.
There's a police officer sitting in the next booth
listening to all this, and having a chuckle to
himself. He thinks, "I've got to see this...two
old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep
an eye on them so there's no trouble."
So he follows them. They walk haltingly along, leaning
on each other for support, aided by walking sticks.
Finally they get to the back of the tavern and make
their way to the fence.
The old lady lifts her skirt, takes her knickers down
and the old
man drops his trousers.
She turns around and as she hangs on to the fence, the
old man moves in.
Suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the
watching policeman has ever seen. They are bucking and
jumping like eighteen-year-olds. This goes on for
about forty minutes!
She's yelling, "Ohhhh, God!"
He's hanging on to her hips for dear life. This is the
most athletic sex imaginable.
Finally, they both collapse panting on the ground.
The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned
something about life that he didn't know. He starts to
think about his own aged parents and wonders whether
they still have sex like this.
After about half an hour of lying on the ground
recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and
put their clothes back on.
The policeman, still watching thinks, that was truly
amazing, he was going like a train. I've got to ask
him what his secret is. As the couple pass, he says to
them. "That was something else, you must have been
having sex for about forty minutes. How do you manage
it?
You must have had fantastic life together. Is there
some sort of secret?"
No, there's no secret," the old man says, "except that
fifty years ago that damn fence wasn't electric." |
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| DocWalk20 |
Q: What did the psychiatrist say to the new patient who came in naked and covered with Saran wrap?
A: I can clearly see you're nuts.
:ucrazy: |
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| hammermdx |
Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, are all excited about their decision
to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding and on the
way they pass a drugstore. Jacob suggests they go in. Jacob addresses
the man behind the counter:
'Are you the owner?' The pharmacist answers yes.
Says Jacob: 'We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?'
Pharmacist: 'Of course we do.'
Jacob: 'How about medicine for circulation?'
Pharmacist: 'All kinds.'
Jacob: 'Medicine for rheumatism, scoliosis? '
Pharmacist: 'Definitely.'
Jacob: 'How about Viagra?'
Pharmacist: 'Of course.'
Jacob: 'Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, jaundice?'
Pharmacist: 'Yes, a large variety. The works.'
Jacob: 'What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for
Parkinson's disease?'
Pharmacist: 'Absolutely.'
Jacob: 'You sell wheelchairs and walkers?'
Pharmacist: 'All speeds and sizes.'
Jacob says to the pharmacist: 'We'd like to register here for our
wedding gifts, please.' |
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| EXCALIBUR |
As I lay on my bed, thinking about you, I feel this strong urge to grab you and squeeze you, because I can't forget last night. You came to me unexpectedly during the balmy and calm night, and what happened in my bed still leaves a tingling sensation in me.
You appeared from nowhere and shamelessly, without any reservations, you laid on my naked body... you sensed my indifference, so you applied your hungry mouth to me without any guilt or humiliation, and you drove me near crazy while you drained me. Finally I went to sleep.
Today when I woke up, you were gone. I searched for you but to no avail, only the sheets bore witness to last night's events.
My body still bears faint marks of your enthusiastic ravishings, making it harder to forget you.
Tonight I will remain awake waiting for you, you f**king mosquito. :2: |
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| MDteX |
Tequila for Mi Amor
A Mexican is strolling down the street in Mexico City and kicks an empty tequila bottle lying in the street. Suddenly out of the bottle comes a Genie. The Mexican is stunned and the Genie says, "Hello master, I will grant you one wish; anything you want."
The Mexican begins thinking, "Well, I really like drinking tequila." Finally the Mexican says, "I wish to drink tequila whenever I want, so make me pee tequila." The Genie grants him his wish. When the Mexican gets home, he gets a glass out of the cupboard and pees in it. He looks at the glass and it's clear. Looks like tequila. Then he smells the liquid. Smells like tequila. So he takes a taste and it is the best tequila he has ever tasted.
The Mexican yells to his wife, "Consuela, Consuela, come quickly!" She comes running down the hall and the Mexican takes another glass out of the cupboard and fills it. He tells her to drink it. It is tequila. Consuela is reluctant but goes ahead and takes a sip. It is the best tequila she has ever tasted. The two drank and partied all night. The next night the Mexican comes home from work and tells his wife to get two glasses out of the cupboard. He proceeds to fill the two glasses. The result is the same. The tequila is excellent and the couple drinks until the sun comes up.
Finally Friday night comes and the Mexican comes home and tells his wife, "Consuela, grab one glass from the cupboard and we will drink Tequila." His wife gets the glass from the cupboard and sets it on the table. The Mexican begins to fill the glass; and when he fills it, his wife asks him, "But Pancho, why do we need only one glass?"
Pancho raises the glass and says, "Because tonight, Mi Amor, you drink from the bottle!"
Arriba!!!! Arriba!!!! |
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| ByeByeChrysler |
A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. As he sits, the waitress comes over and asks for their orders.
The man says, "I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?"
"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be $6.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.
The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke," and the ostrich says, "I'll have the same."
Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
This becomes a routine until late one evening, the two enter again.
"The usual?" asks the waitress. "No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and salad," says the man, "same for me," says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress comes with the order and says, "That will be $12.62." Once again the man pulls exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.
The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer.
"Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?"
"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and I found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes.
My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."
"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"
"That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.
The waitress asks, "One other thing, sir, what's with the ostrich?"
The man sighs, pauses, and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with long legs who agrees with everything I say." |
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| EXCALIBUR |
A man went into a drug store to buy condoms, and was waited on by a beautiful young woman.
She asked what size he wanted and he said he wasn't sure. She asked if he knew the circumference of his penis and he said, "Lady, I've never measured myself."
She then held up one finger and asked if he was that big. He said, "I'm much bigger than that."
She held up two fingers and asked if he was that big. He said, "I'm still larger than that."
Then, she held up three fingers and asked if he was that big. He replied, "Well... Yeah... I guess that's about the size."
She put the three fingers in her mouth and said, "You're a medium.":4: |
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| hammermdx |
A senior citizen in Florida bought a brand new Mercedes convertible. He took off down the road, flooring it to 80 mph and enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left on his head. "This is great," he thought as he roared down I-75. He pushed the pedal to the metal even more. Then he looked in his rear view mirror and saw a highway patrol trooper behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring.
"I can get away from him with no problem" thought the man and he tromped it some more and flew down the road at over 100 mph. Then 110, 120 mph. Then he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this kind of thing.
He pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the trooper to catch up with him.
The trooper pulled in behind the Mercedes and walked up to the man. "Sir," he said, looking at his watch. "My shift ends in 30 minutes and today is Friday. If you can give me a reason why you were speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."
The man looked at the trooper and said,
"Years ago my wife ran off with a Florida State trooper, and I thought you were bringing her back."
The trooper replied, "Sir, have a nice day." |
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| hammermdx |
One evening last week, my wife & I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."
I said "WHAT????!!! What was that?!" So she says the words that every husband on the planet dreads to hear...You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man."
She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.
The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take so I told her we'll just buy them all.
She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit. We went on to the jewelry dept. where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings.
Let me tell you...she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis.
I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey."
She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier".
I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it."
Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled WHAT???!!!"
I then said, "Really honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for
awhile.. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man
enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman."
And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added Why can't yo u just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"
Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either |
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| remydog |
quote:
Originally posted by hammermdx
Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either
Now THAT is funny!!
:21: :2: |
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| EXCALIBUR |
A married couple is driving along when they see a wounded skunk on the side of the road. They stop, the wife gets out, picks it up, and brings it into the car. She says, "Look, it's shivering, it must be cold. What should I do?"
Her husband replies, "Put it between your legs to keep it warm."
She asks, "What about the smell?"
He says, "Hold its nose."
:twak: |
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| Maik |
G. W. Bush and John Kerry somehow ended up at the same barbershop.
As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken.
The barbers were even afraid to start a conversation, for fear it would turn to politics.
As the barbers finished their shaves, the one who had Kerry in his chair reached for the aftershave.
Kerry was quick to stop him saying, "No thanks, my wife
Teresa will smell that and think I've been in a whorehouse."
The second barber turned to Bush and said, "How about you, do you want aftershave?"
Bush replied, "Sure, go ahead; my wife doesn't know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like." |
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| FLEE |
Did you know that John Kerry had a brother who committed suicide?
No Way!!
Sure! You never heard of Harry Kerry? |
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| ByeByeChrysler |
DEAR TIDE,
I am writing to say what an excellent product you have! I've used all through my married life, as my Mom always told me it was the best. Now that I am in my fifties, I find it even better! In fact, about a month ago, I spilled some red wine on my new white blouse. My inconsiderate and uncaring husband started to berate me about how clumsy I was, and generally started becoming a pain in the neck.
One thing led to another and somehow I ended up with a lot of his blood on my white blouse. I tried to get the stain out using a bargain detergent,but it just wouldn't come out. After a quick trip to the supermarket, I purchased a bottle of liquid Tide with bleach alternative, and to my surprise and satisfaction, all of the stains came out! In fact, the stains came out so well the detectives who came by yesterday told me that the DNA tests on my blouse were negative and then my attorney called and said that I would no longer be considered a suspect in the disappearance of my husband. What a relief!
Going through menopause is bad enough without being a murder suspect! I thank you, once again, for having such a great product. Well, gotta go. I have to write a letter to the Hefty bag people . ... ..
Sincerely, Rita |
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| Jim03MDX |
16 THINGS THAT TOOK ME OVER 50 YEARS TO LEARN:
by Dave Barry
1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings."
3. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."
4. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
5. You should not confuse your career with your life.
6. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
7. Never lick a steak knife.
8. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.
9. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.
10. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.
11. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age eleven.
12. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.
13. A person who is nice to you, but rude to a waiter, is not a nice person. (This is very important. Pay attention. It never fails.)
14. Your friends love you anyway.
15. Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic.
16. Thought for the day: Men are like fine wine. They start out as grapes, and it's up to the women to stomp the crap out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with. |
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| EXCALIBUR |
Here are the top nine comments made by NBC sports commentators during the Summer Olympics that they would like to take back:
1. Weightlifting commentator: "This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning during her warm up and it was amazing."
2. Dressage commentator: "This is really a lovely horse and I speak from personal experience since I once mounted her mother."
3. Paul Hamm, Gymnast: "I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father."
4. Boxing Analyst: "Sure there have been injuries, and even some deaths in boxing, but none of them really that serious."
5. Softball announcer: "If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again."
6. Basketball analyst: "He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn't like it. In fact you can see it all over their faces."
7. At the rowing medal ceremony: "Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the IOC president is hugging the cox of the British crew."
8. Soccer commentator: "Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field."
9. Tennis commentator: "One of the reasons Andy is playing so well is that, before the final round, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them. Oh my God, what have I just said?"
:2: |
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| EXCALIBUR |
George Bush has a heart attack and dies. He goes to hell where the devil is waiting for him.
"I don't know what to do here," says the devil. "You are on my list but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got three folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go,
but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves.
George thought that sounded pretty good, so he agreed. The devil opened the first room: in it was Richard Nixon and a large pool of water. He kept diving in and surfacing empty-handed over and over and over. Such was his fate in hell.
"No!" George said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and don't think I could do that all day long."
The devil led him to the next room: in it was Tony Blair with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time. "No, I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day!" commented George.
The devil opened a third door. In it, George saw Bill Clinton, lying on the floor with his arms staked over his head, and his legs staked in a spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best. George Bush looked at this in disbelief for a while and finally said "Yeah, I can handle this."
The devil smiled and said...........
"Ok Monica, you're free to go":drool: |
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| DocWalk20 |
One summer night a wise Indian chief had a dream that after years of mild winters a bad winter was due. He called a village meeting to encourage his people to plant extra crops to help make it through the winter. His more modern thinking sons laughed at their dad's "dream" weather forecasting and suggested he call the National Weather service for the winter forecast. The following week the chief did just that.
"we believe we may have a rougher winter than usual" the NWS said on the chief's phone call. The chief now inspired and nervous called another meeting and asked his tribe to gather more firewood than usual for the winter.
The next week the NWS reported, "indications are the upcoming winter will likely be worse than previously anticipated". The chief called another meeting requesting the tribe redouble their efforts in harvesting crops and gathering wood.
NWS next reported "strong indications of a severe winter". The chief asked all able bodied people to help prevent what appeared to be the makings of a disastorous winter.
The chief's next NWS phone call really shook him, "we are urging all people in the area to be prepared for the worst winter on record". The Chief was intrigued at the confidence of this forcast. "How can you be so sure?" he asked. The NWS replied, "our experts have noticed an unpresidented amount of activity among the Indians gathering firewood and crops for the winter!" |
|
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| Maik |
Two gay men decide to have a baby. They mix their sperm, then have a
surrogate mother artificially inseminated. When the baby is born, they rush to the hospital. Two dozen babies are in the ward, 23 of whom are crying and screaming. One, over in the corner, is smiling serenely. The nurse comes by, and to the gays' delight, she points out the happy child as theirs.
"Isn't it wonderful?" Neil says to Bob. "All these unhappy children, and ours is so happy."
The nurse says, "Oh, sure he's happy now, but just watch what happens when we take the pacifier out of his ass." |
|
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| Maik |
Four friends reunited at a party after 30 years.
After a few laughs and drinks, one of them had to go to the rest room. The ones who stayed behind began to talk about their kids and their successes.
The first guy says: I am very proud of my son, he is my pride and joy. He started working at a very successful company at the bottom of the barrel. He studied Economics and Business Administration soon he was promoted and began to climb the corporate ladder becoming the General Manager and now
he is the President of the company. He became so rich that he gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes Benz for his birthday.
The second guy says: Damn, that's terrific!! My son is also my pride and joy, I am very proud of him. He started working at a travel agency for a very big airline. He went to flight school to become a pilot and also managed to become a partner in the company where he now owns the majority of the assets. He became so rich that he gave his best friend a brand new
jet for his birthday.
The third guy says: Well, well, well congratulations!! My son is also my pride and joy and he is also very rich. He studied in the best universities and became an Engineer. He started his own construction company and became very successful and a multimillionaire. He also gave away some thing very nice and expensive to his best friend for his birthday. He built a 30,000sq ft mansion specially for his friend.
The three friends congratulated each other mutually for the successes of theirs sons. The forth friend who earlier had gone to restroom returned and asked: What's going on, what are all the congratulations for? One of the three said: We were talking about the pride we feel for the successes of our sons. And then he asked, What about your son?
The fourth man replied: My son is Gay and he makes a living dancing as a stripper at a nightclub. The three friends said: What a shame that must be, that is horrible, what a disappointment you must feel. The fourth man replied: No, I am not ashamed. Not at all. He is my son and I love him just as well, he is my pride and joy. And he is very lucky too. Did you know that his birthday just passed and the other day he received a beautiful 30,000 sq ft mansion, a brand new jet and a top of the line Mercedes Benz from his three boyfriends. |
|
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| ByeByeChrysler |
| :19: :19: :19: :21: :21: :21: |
|
|
| xfactor |
You have two choices in life: You can stay single and be miserable, or get married and wish you were dead.
--------------------------------------------------------------
At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you
wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?"
The other women replied, "Yes I am, I married the wrong man."
-------------------------------------------------------------
A lady inserted an 'ad' in the classified: "Husband wanted". Next day she received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine".
------------------------------------------------------------
When a woman steals your husband, there is no better revenge than to let her keep him.
--------------------------------------------------------------
Eighty percent of married men cheat in the U.S.A. The rest cheat in Canada.
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A woman is incomplete until she is married. Then she is finished.
------------------------------------------------------------
A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" And the father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."
-------------------------------------------------------------
Young son: Is it true Dad, that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?
Dad: That happens in every country, son.
---------------------------------------------------------------
Then there was a woman who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and by then it was too late."
---------------------------------------------------------------
Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
-------------------------------------------------------------
If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.
-------------------------------------------------------------
Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life
thinking they had no faults at all.
--------------------------------------------------------------
You know the honeymoon is pretty much over when you start to go out with the boys on Wednesday nights, and so does she.
-------------------------------------------------------------
Husband: Want a quickie?
Wife: As opposed to what?
---------------------------------------------------------------
First guy: "My wife's an angel!"
Second guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."
---------------------------------------------------------------
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are attractive to the opposite sex. |
|
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| marktr6 |
An old man was sitting on a bench at the mall.
A teenager walked up to the bench and sat down.
He had spiked hair in all different colors, red, green, orange, blue and yellow.
The old man just stared.
Everytime the teenager looked, the old man was staring.
The teenager finally said sarcastically, "What's the matter old timer, never done anything wild in your life?"
Without batting an eye, the old man replied,
"Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. I was just wonderin' if you were my son!" |
|
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| msu79gt82 |
Note: Please take the time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better. For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They actually have a chili cook-off about the time Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the San Antonio city park. The notes are from an inexperienced chili taster named Frank, who was visiting from Springfield, IL.
Frank says: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted."
Here are the scorecards from the event: (Note: Frank is Judge #3)
Chili # 1 Eddie's Maniac Monster Chili...
Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 -- (Frank) Holy sh!t! What the hell is this stuff?! You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put out the flames. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
Chili # 2 Austin's Afterburner Chili...
Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor; needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.
Chili # 3 Ronny's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili...
Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans.
Judge # 2 -- A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting sh!t- faced from all of the beer...
Chili # 4 Dave's Black Magic...
Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish, or other mild foods; not much of a chili.
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-lb. woman is starting to look HOT... just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?
Chili # 5 Lisa's Legal Lip Remover...
Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead, and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.
Chili # 6 Pam's Very Vegetarian Variety...
Judge # 1 -- Thin, yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulphuric flames. I sh!t on myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone.
Chili # 7 Carla's Screaming Sensation Chili...
Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho-hum; tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress, as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing; it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.
Chili # 8 Karen's Toenail Curling Chili...
Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold, but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild, nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3 farted, passed out, fell over, and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor fella, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili? |
|
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| marktr6 |
| new Florida License Plate |
|
|
| ByeByeChrysler |
Seven Degrees of Blondes
FIRST DEGREE
A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning. The wife (undoubtedly blonde), picked up the phone, listened a moment and said, "How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!" and hung up.
The husband said, "Who was that?"
The wife said, "I don't know, some woman wanting to know if
the coast is clear."
` *:-.,_,.-:* ` *:-.,_,.-:* ` *:-.,_,.-:* `
*:-.,_,-:* ` *:-.,_,.-:* ` *:
SECOND DEGREE
Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror and says, "Hmm, this person looks familiar."
The second blonde says, "Here, let me see!"
So the first blonde hands her the compact.
The second one looks in the mirror and says, "You dummy, it's me!"
` *:-.,_,.-:* ` *:-.,_,.-:* ` *:-.,_,.-:* `
*:-,_,-:* ` *:-.,_,.-:* ` *:-
THIRD DEGREE
A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she
goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blonde is really angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head.
The boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don't do it!!!" The blonde
replies, "Shut up, you're next!"
` *:-.,_,.-:* ` *:-.,_,.-:* ` *:-,_,.-:* `
*:-.,_,-:* ` *:-.,_,.-:* ` *:
FOURTH DEGREE
A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals.
She proudly says, "Go ahead, ask me, I know all of them."
A friend says, "OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin?"
The blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy: W."
` *:-.,_,.-:* ` *:-.,_,.-:* ` *:-.,_,.-:* `
:-.,_,-:* ` *:-.,_,.-:* ` *:
FIFTH DEGREE
What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant?
"Is it mine?
*:-.,_,.-:* ` *:-,_,.-:* ` *:-.,_,.-:* `
.,_,-:* ` *:-.,_,.-:* ` *:
SIXTH DEGREE
Bambi, a blonde in her fourth year as a UCLA freshman, sat in her US government class. The professor asked Bambi if she knew what Roe vs.Wade was about.
Bambi pondered the question then finally said, "That was the
decision George Washington had to make before he crossed the Delaware."
` *:-.,_,.-:* ` *:-.,_,.-:* ` *:-.,_,.-:* `
*:-.,_,-:* ` *:-.,_,.-:* ` *:
SEVENTH DEGREE
Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her
house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime.
The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio, and a
K-9 unit, patrolling nearby was the first to respond. As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps.
Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, "I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do?
They send me a BLIND policeman." |
|
|
| Echo2625 |
ByeBye.....
Nice!! |
|
|
| ByeByeChrysler |
There are only twelve times in history where the "F" word has been considered acceptable for use. They are as follows :
12. " What the fu@k did you do to my backhoe? You fu@king idiot.
-- Pat Sullivan . Pat's Rentals, 1965
11. "What the fu@k do you mean we are sinking?"
-- Capt. E.J. Smith of RMS Titanic, 1912
10. "What the fu@k was that?"
-- Mayor Of Hiroshima, 1945
9. "Where did all those fu@king Indians come from?"
-- Custer, 1877
8. "Any fu@king idiot could understand that."
-- Einstein, 1938
7. "It does so fu@king look like her!"
-- Picasso, 1926
6. "How the fu@k did you work that out?"
-- Pythagoras, 126 BC
5. "You want! WHAT's on the fu@king ceiling?"
-- Michelangelo, 1566
4. "Where the fu@k am I?"
-- Amelia Earhart, 1937
3. "Scattered fu@king showers,my a$$!"
-- Noah, 4314 BC
2. "Aw c'mon. Who the fu@k is going to find out?"
-- Bill Clinton, 1999
and a drum roll . . .
"Geez, I didn't think they'd get this fu@king mad."
-- Sadaam Hussein, 2003 |
|
|
| Jim03MDX |
Top 20 ways to tell someone their zipper is down
20) The cucumber has left the salad.
19) I can see the gun of Navarone.
18) Someone tore down the wall, and your Pink Floyd is hanging out.
17) You've got Windows in your laptop.
16) Sailor Ned's trying to take a little shore leave.
15) Your soldier ain't so unknown now.
14) Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to his bell.
13) Paging Mr. Johnson... Paging Mr. Johnson...
12) You need to bring your tray table to the upright and locked position.
11) Your pod bay door is open, Hal.
10) Elvis Junior has LEFT the building!
9) Mini Me is making a break for the escape pod.
8) Ensign Hanes is reporting a hull breach on the lower deck, Sir!
7) The Buick is not all the way in the garage.
6) Dr. Kimble has escaped!
5) You've got your fly set for "Monica" instead of "Hillary."
4) Our next guest is someone who needs no introduction...
3) You've got a security breach at Los Pantalones.
2) I'm talking about Shaft, can you dig it?
1) I thought you were crazy; now I see your nuts. |
|
|
| EXCALIBUR |
A blonde went into a message center to send a message to her mother overseas. When the man told her it would cost $300 she exclaimed, "I don't have that kind of money!! But I would do ANYTHING to get a message to my mother in Poland!"
The man arched an eyebrow. "Anything?"
"Yes, anything" the blonde promised.
With that, the man said, "Follow me"
He walked into the next room and ordered, "Come in and close the door"
She did.
He then said, "Get on your knees"
She did.
Then he said, "Take down my zipper"
She did.
He said, "Go ahead...take it out"
She took it out and grabbed hold of it with both hands.
The man closed his yes and whispered, "Well....go ahead!"
The blonde slowly brought her lips closer, and while holding it close to her lips she said loudly "HELLO.....MOM???":bonk: |
|
|
| xfactor |
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/6187136/
Misc Quotes...
# I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.
A girl phoned me the other day and said "Come on over, there's nobody home." I went over. Nobody was home.
I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet.
I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out.
Life is just a bowl of pits.
My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
My wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told me to put the garbage out. I said to her I already did. She told me to go and keep an eye on it.
My wife's jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was.
When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.
I'm taking Viagra and drinking prune juice - I don't know if I'm coming or going.
My uncle's dying wish - he wanted me on his lap....He was in the electric chair.
If it weren't for pickpockets, I'd have no sex life at all.
With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.' The waiter joined me.
In the school I went to, they asked a kid to prove the law of gravity and he threw the teacher out of the window.
-- (Back to School, 1986)
I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.
I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.
Yeah, I know I'm ugly...I said to a bartender, 'Make me a zombie.' He said 'God beat me to it.'
My wife was afraid of the dark...then she saw me naked and now she's afraid of the light.
I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.
My mother had morning sickness after I was born.
When I was born ... the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father ... I'm very sorry. We did everything we could ... but he pulled through.
My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.
I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.
I get no respect. The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.
I found there was only one way to look thin, hang out with fat people.
I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.
I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.
Most of the arguments to which I am party fall somewhat short of being impressive, knowing to the fact that neither I nor my opponent knows what we are talking about
My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.
They change the sheets every day... from one bed to another.
I was so poor growing up...If I wasn't born a boy....I'd have nothing to play with.
During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.
One day as I came home early from work ..... I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy .... "Hey buddy, why are you doing that?" He said, "Because you came home early."
Its been a rough day. I got up this morning .... put on a shirt and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase, and the handle came off. I'm afraid to go to the bathroom.
I was such an ugly kid........When I played in the sandbox the cat kept covering me up.
I was such an ugly baby...My mother never breast fed me. She told me that she only liked me as a friend.
I'm so ugly...I worked in a pet shop, and people kept asking how big I'd get.
I went to see my doctor. "Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror... I feel like throwing up; What's wrong with me?" He said..."I don't know but your eyesight is perfect."
I went to the doctor because I'd swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.
We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations - we're doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.
looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.
I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it.
I come from a stupid family. My father worked in a bank. They caught him stealing pens
I come from a stupid family. During the civil war my great uncle fought for the west
Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt. Because in every room he leaves a pyramid.
What a dog I got, his favorite bone is in my arm.
What a dog I got. Last night he went on the paper 4 times - 3 while I was reading it
What a dog I got. I tried to mate her - she wants 50 biscuits.
What a dog I got, he found out we look alike, so he killed himself.
I went to a gay bar, they wanted proof of sex so I showed them, they said it wasn't enough.
I went to a freak show and they let me in for nothing.
I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning.
I was so depressed that I decided to jump from the tenth floor. They sent up a priest. He said " on your mark ......"
I was lost and asked a cop to help me find my parents "do you think we'll find them", "I don't know there's so many places to hide"
On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.
Last Halloween a kid tried to rip my face off. He thought it was a mask. Now it's different when I open the door the kids hand me candy.
When my old man wanted sex, my mother would show him a picture of me.
My old man, he carries around the picture of the kid that came with the wallet.
My old man, I told him I'm tired of running around in circles, So he nailed my other foot to the floor.
One time I went into a hotel, I asked the bellhop to handle my bag - he felt up my wife.
Boy what a hotel that was, why they stole my towel.
It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass.
It's tough to stay married. My wife says no because she's tired then stays up and reads her book.
Last week my tie caught on fire, some guy tried to put it out with an axe.
For two hours, some guy followed me around with a pooper scooper.
I met the surgeon general - he offered me a cigarette.
This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me
A travel agent told I could spend 7 nights in HAWAII no days just nights.
My problem is that I appeal to everyone that can do me absolutely no good.
They say 'love thy neighbor as thy self' , what am I supposed to do jerk him off too ?
At Christmas time I sat on Santa's lap. His fly was open ! Boy what a present he gave me !
I bought a new book, '100 new ways to make love'. I ended up in traction - it was a misprint
My sex life is terrible, my wife put a mirror over the dogs bed. Actually she did put a mirror over our bed. She says she likes to watch herself laugh.
I'm a bad lover. I once caught a peeping tom booing me.
My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night it was to time an egg.
I asked my wife if she would put out the garbage. she said "why should I you never put out for me".
I asked my wife if she enjoys a cigarette after sex and she said, "no one drag is enough"
I got myself good this morning too. I did my pushups in the nude, I didn't see the mouse trap.
People ask if I can get it up in the morning. I tell them " are you kidding I'm envious of a stiff wind.
A girl phoned me and said, "Come on over there's nobody home", I went over - nobody was home
A hooker once told me she had a headache.
A hooker once told me "not on the first date"
I went to a massage parlor, it was self service.
My only thrill is self inflicted hickies.
once went out with this wild girl. She made French toast and got her tongue caught in the toaster.
After making love to this girl she started crying, I said "Are you going to hate yourself in the morning", "No I hate myself now"
I once went out with this girl, she was no bargain either, she showed up with pigtails under her arms.
:2: |
|
|
| xfactor |
FAT. My wife is so fat that when she lays on the beach the people feel sorry for her and try to roll her back into the water.
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FAT. My wife is so fat that the last time I saw something that big it was grazing
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She was so fat that after she sat on someone's lap we had to look for him in the crack of her ass.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
She was so fat that when she got on the scale a card came out saying one at a time.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
She was so fat that her bathtub has stretch marks.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
She was so fat that her belly button makes an echo.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
She was so fat that she has her own postal code.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
She was so fat that she wears a 'cross your thighs' bra
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
She was so fat that she has a dress with a sign on the back that says "caution wide load"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
She was so fat that her clothes are made by Omar the tent maker.
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She was so fat that when guys have sex with her they ask for directions.
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She was so fat that when I hit her with my car she asked why I didn't go around her and I said that I didn't think I had enough gas.
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She was so fat that her bikini is made out of two bed sheets (king-size)
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She was so ugly that she was known as a two bagger, one for you in case her bag breaks.
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She was so ugly that if you grab a dictionary and look under the word ugly you would see her picture.
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She was so ugly that when I bent down to pet her cat it turned out to be the hair on her legs.
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She was so ugly that I took her to a dog show and she won first prize.
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She was so ugly that they use her in prisons to cure sex offenders.
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She was so ugly that when two men broke into her apartment and she yelled "rape" they yelled "nooooooo"
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She was so ugly that she has a face like a boiled boot and a tongue long enough to lace it up.
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She was so ugly that she looks like she came second in a hatchet fight.
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She was so ugly that the last time I saw a mouth like that it had a hook in it.
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My wife's got a face like a saint - a Saint Bernard.
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There's only one thing wrong with my wife's face - it shows.
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She was so ugly that her face could stop a sundial.
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She was old too, when she went to school they didn't have history.
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Went to a bar for a few drinks. The bartender asked what I wanted, "surprise me" I said, so he showed me a naked picture of my wife.
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My wife has cut me down to once a month, I'm lucky I know two guys she cut off completely
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I asked him "Who said you could fool around with my wife" he said everybody.
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One night I asked a cabbie to take me where the action is, he took me to my house.
My wife wants sex in the back of the car and she wants me to drive.
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During sex my wife always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.
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My marriage is on the rocks again, yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend
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I went to look for a used car and found my wife's dress in the back seat.
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One day I came home and saw a guy jogging naked, I said "Hey buddy why are you doing that", he said "cause you came home early".
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Once in a restaurant I made a toast to my wife, "To the best woman a man ever had". The waiter joined me.
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I get up and a button falls off, I pick up my briefcase and the handle falls off I'm afraid to go to the bathroom.
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I once had a problem ... so I tried group sex. Now I have a new problem - who to thank.
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Group sex are you kidding I had group sex - My wife screwed in front of the jury.
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My friends and I play a new version of Russian roulette, we pass around six girls and one of them has V.D.
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I told him I think my wife has V.D. he gave himself a shot of penicillin
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I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a brown tie.
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I told my dentist I want a tooth to match the others. He gave my one with four cavities.
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He found a new way to cover up his bad breath. He holds up his arms.
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His breath is so bad why every time he smokes he blow onion rings.
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My psychiatrist told me I was crazy. I told him I want a second opinion. He said okay you're ugly too.
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I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a sling shot
My wife has to be the worst cook. I don't believe meatloaf should glow in the dark
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My wife has to be the worst cook. In my house, we pray after we eat.
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My wife has to be the worst cook. Her specialty is indigestion.
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My wife has to be the worst cook. I've got the only dog who begs for alka-seltzer.
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Why her cooking is so bad that the flies pitched in to fix the screen door. I leave dental floss in the kitchen and watch the roaches hang themselves.
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One night she told me to put out the garbage. I told her "you cooked it, you take it out".
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I have three kids, one of each.
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I have a son in college. He's majoring in F.....g up.
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What a mean kid too. Why he puts krazy glue in my preparation H.
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For Christmas one year I bought my son a BB gun. He bought me a t-shirt with a bulls eye on the back.
My kids scotch tape worms to the sidewalk and watch the birds get hernias.
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What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bee and he told me about the butcher and my wife.
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My kid wants to be a prison warden when he grows up so he can put thumb tacks on the electric chairs.
Boy is my wife stupid. It takes her and hour and a half to watch 60 minutes. My daughters no bargain either. In public school she was voted most likely to conceive.
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She failed her drivers test. She couldn't get used to the front seat. It took her four lessons to learn to sit up.
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I came from a real tough neighborhood. In the local restaurant I sat down and had broken leg of lamb.
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I came from a real tough neighborhood. In the library the sign says "shut the f..k up"!
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I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn't a professional, the knife had butter on it.
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I came from a real tough neighborhood. I bought a waterbed and found a guy at the bottom of it.
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I came from a real tough neighborhood. I put my hand in some cement and felt another hand.
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I came from a real tough neighborhood. On my street, the kids take hubcaps - from moving cars.
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I once asked a policeman how far it was to the subway. he said, "I don't know, no one has ever made it".
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I came from a real tough neighborhood. Why every time I shut the window I hurt somebody's fingers.
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The other night a mugger took off his mask and made me wear it.
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Once I pulled a job, I was so stupid. I picked a guys pocket on an airplane and made a run for it.
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