| DaleB |
ACTUAL AUSTRALIAN COURT DOCKET 12659 CASE OF THE
PREGNANT LADY
A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat.
This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused.
When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.
The case came up in court. The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself.
The man replied, "Well your Honor, it was like this:
When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition.
She sat under a sweets sign that said, "The Double Mint Twins are Coming" and I grinned.
Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, "Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling", and I ! had to smile.
Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, "William's Big Stick Did the Trick", and I could hardly contain myself.
BUT, your Honor, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, "Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident," I just lost it." |
|
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| dvilla |
This was a Cold War exchange:
> >>
> >>RUSSIAN: we're 1st in space
> >>USA: we're 1st in the moon
> >>RUSSIAN: we'll be the 1st in the sun
> >>USA: you can't go there, you'll burn
> >>RUSSIAN: we're not stupid, we'll go there at NIGHT!
> >>
> >>--------------------------- |
|
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| EXCALIBUR |
As a painless way to save money, a young couple arranged that every time they have sex the husband puts his pocket change into a china piggy bank on the bedside table.
One night while being unusually athletic, he accidentally knocked the piggy bank onto the floor where it smashes. To his surprise, among the masses of coins, there are handfuls of five and ten dollar bills.
He asks his wife "What's up with all the notes?", to his wife which replies, "Well, not everyone is as cheap as you are."
:D |
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| DaleB |
An old Italian man lived alone in the country. He wanted to dig his tomato
garden, but it was very hard work as the ground was hard. His only son,
Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to
his son and described his predicament.
Dear Vincent,
I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to
plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me.
Love Dad
A few days later he received a letter from his son.
Dear Dad,
Not for nothing, but don't dig up that garden. That's where I buried the BODIES.
Love Vinnie
At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the
entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and
left.
That same day the old man received another letter from his son.
Dear Dad,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love Vinnie |
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| msu79gt82 |
A store that sells husbands has just opened where a woman may go to choose a husband from among many men. The store is composed of 6 floors, and the men increase in positive attributes as the shopper ascends the flights. There is, however, a catch. As you open the door to any floor you may choose a man from that floor, but if you go up a floor, you cannot go back down except to exit the building. So a woman goes to the shopping center to find a husband:
On the first floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 - These men have jobs.
The woman reads the sign and says to herself, "Well, that's better than my last boyfriend, but I wonder what's further up?" So up she goes.
The second floor sign reads: Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love kids.
The woman remarks to herself, "That's great, but I wonder what's further up?" And up she goes again.
The third floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids and are extremely good looking.
"Hmmm, better" she says. "But I wonder what's upstairs?"
The fourth floor sign reads: Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking and help with the housework.
"Wow!" exclaims the woman, "very tempting. BUT, there must be more further up!" And again she heads up another flight.
The fifth floor sign reads: Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework and have a strong romantic streak.
"Oh, mercy me! But just think... what must be awaiting me further on?" So up to the sixth floor she goes.
The sixth floor sign reads: Floor 6 - You are visitor 3,456,789,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at Husband Mart and have a nice day. |
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| DaleB |
1. I'm old enough to know better, but young enough not to learn from it.
2.. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
3.. I Work Hard Because Millions On Welfare Depend on Me!
4.. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
5.. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
6.. Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.
7.. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me
8.. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
9.. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
10.. I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are missing.
11.. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
12. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.
13.. God must love stupid people; He made so many.
14.. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
15.. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
16.. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
17.. Being "over the hill" is much better than being under it!
18.. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.
19.. Procrastinate Now!
20.. I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That?
21.. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
22.. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance
23.. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!
24..They call it PMS because MadCow Disease was already taken.
25..He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead.
26..A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory..
27..Ham and eggs. A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.
28.. The trouble with life is there's no background music.
29.. The original point and click interface was a Smith and Wesson.
30.. I smile because I don't know what the hell is going on. |
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| Sinecure |
| After 5 years of debate, the UN has finally settled on the following as the new universal symbol for marriage: |
|
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| EXCALIBUR |
A married couple is on their Sunday walk in the country when they come upon a field of cows. All of a sudden, a massive bull comes along and jumps on the first cow he sees. Boom! As soon as he is done with the first he moves to the next and before long has made his way through the entire herd.
The wife sighs and says to her husband, "I wish men could be ready to go again as quick as that bull was."
"no problem", says the husband. "As long as we get to change cows each time.":D |
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| hammermdx |
Man was sitting on a beach. He had no arms and no legs.
Three women were walking past and felt sorry for the poor man.
The first woman said "Have you ever had a hug?"
The man said "No" so she gave him a hug and walked on.
The second woman said "Have you ever had a kiss?"
The man said "No", so she gave him a kiss and walked on.
The third woman came to him and said "Have you ever been fuc*ed?"
The fellow said "No"
She said "You will be when the tide comes in." |
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| hammermdx |
A guy falls asleep on the beach for several hours and gets a horrible sunburn. He goes to the hospital and is promptly admitted after being diagnosed with second degree burns. With his skin already starting to blister and seeing the severe pain he is in, the doctor goes ahead and prescribes continuous intravenous feeding with saline, electrolytes, a sedative, and a Viagra pill every four hours.The nurse, who is rather astounded, asks, "What good will Viagra do him,
Doctor ? "It'll keep the sheets off his legs." |
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| ByeByeChrysler |
Why do Jewish men watch porno movies backwards?
They like to see the Hooker give back the money.
:2: |
|
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| loa3 |
quote:
Originally posted by marktr6
My middle son just graduated from Ole Miss back in May. This is a joke I know, but I can really believe the sentiment expressed.
Mississippi is serious about their sports.
I'm one of those "coonass bastards" who likes to strangle Mississippi State bulldogs, and I can tell you we take our football seriously at LSU, too!
Oh, and by the way, GO TO HELL, OLE MISS, GO TO HELL!! |
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| hammermdx |
These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are
things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published
by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges
were actually taking place.
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
____________________________
ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep,
he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
___________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he 's twenty-one..
_______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Would you repeat the question?
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh....
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition
notice
which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead
people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an
autopsy on
him!
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a
pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began
the
autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: But could the patient have still been alive,nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing
law. |
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| hammermdx |
Mother: I am not sure how to get there…
Friend: "I'll tell you where to go"
Mother: "I can't see many of the road signs,...it's the cataracts- it's even worse in the light."
Friend: "Should you be driving?”
Mother: "I only drive to places I know." |
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| hammermdx |
It was a sweltering August day when the Cohen brothers entered the posh Dearborn, Michigan, offices of Henry Ford, the car maker.
"Mr. Ford," announced Norman Cohen, the eldest of the three. "We have a remarkable invention that will revolutionize the automobile industry."
Ford looked skeptical, but their threat to offer it to the competition kept his interest piqued. "We would like to demonstrate it for you in person."
After a little cajoling, they brought Mr. Ford outside and asked him to enter a black automobile parked in front of the building. Hyman Cohen, the middle brother, opened the door of the car. "Please step inside, Mr. Ford."
"What!" shouted the tycoon, "Are you crazy? It must be two hundred degrees in that car!"
"It is," smiled the youngest brother, Max, "but sit down Mr. Ford, and push the white button."
Intrigued, Ford pushed the button. All of a sudden a whoosh of freezing air started blowing from vents all around the car, and within seconds the automobile was not only comfortable, but it was also quite cool.
"This is amazing!" exclaimed Ford. "How much do you want for the patent?"
Norman spoke up, "The price is one million dollars." Then he paused. And there is something else. The name 'Cohen Brothers Air-conditioning' must be stamped right next to the Ford logo!"
"Money is no problem," retorted Ford, "but no way will I have a Jewish name next to my logo on my cars!'
They haggled back and forth for a while and finally they settled. Five million dollars, but the Cohens' last name would be left off. However, the first names of the Cohen brothers would be forever emblazoned upon the console of every Ford air conditioning system.
And that is why, even today, whenever you enter a Ford vehicle, you will see those three names clearly printed on the air conditioning control
panel: Norm, Hi, and Max. |
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| BaldEagle |
As we age, our priorities change . The other day I
came home and was greeted by my wife, dressed only in
very sexy underwear and holding a couple of short
velvet ropes.
"Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you
want."
So, I tied her up and went golfing. |
|
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| BaldEagle |
The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After
consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced it as settled
on the generic name of mycoxafloppin. Also considered were mycoxafailin,
mydixadrupin, mydixarizin, mydixadud, dixafix, and of course ibepokin.
In related news:
Pfizer Corp. is making an announcement today that Viagra will soon be
available in liquid form and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power
beverage suitable for use as a mixer. Pepsi's proposed ad campaign claims
it will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one.
Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink. This additive gives new meaning to
the names of cocktails, highballs and just a good old fashioned stiff drink.
Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of Mount & Do. |
|
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| BaldEagle |
A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she lay her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm so sorry, your duck Cuddles has passed away."
The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure?"
"Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead," he replied.
"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean, you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."
The vet rolled his eyes, left the room and returned a few moments later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.
The vet patted the dog and took it out, and returned a few moments later with a cat. The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed delicately at the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on it's haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room. The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."
Then the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill which he handed to the woman. The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"
The vet shrugged. "I'm sorry. If you'd taken my word for it the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150." |
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| DaleB |
A man entered the bus, with both of his front pant pockets
full of golf balls, and sat down next to a blonde. The blonde
kept looking quizzically at him and his bulging pockets.
Finally, after many such glances from her, he said, "It's
golf balls."
The blond continued to look at him thoughtfully and finally asked,
"Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?" |
|
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| hammermdx |
Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.
____________________________________
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.
____________________________________
Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!
____________________________________
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have body fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc. ____________________________________
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good
____________________________________
Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!!. Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?
____________________________________
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
____________________________________
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO ..... Cocoa beans ... another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!
______________________________
Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.
____________________________________
Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!
____________________________________
Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.
And remember: "Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - strawberries in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and screaming WOO HOO! What a Ride |
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| Sinecure |
There once was a religious young woman who went to confession.
Upon entering the confessional she said, "Forgive me Father, for I
have sinned."
The priest said, "Confess your sins and be forgiven."
The young woman said, "Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times."
The priest thought long and hard and then said, "Squeeze seven lemons into glass and then drink the juice."
The young woman asked, "Will this cleanse me of my sins?"
The Priest said "No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face!"
*************
An old man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues:
Man: I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many
children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times.
Priest: Are you sorry for your sins?
Man: What sins?
Priest: What kind of a Catholic are you?
Man: I'm Jewish
Priest: Why are you telling me all this?
Man: I'm telling everybody! |
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| Sinecure |
The Pentagon announced today the formation of a new 500 man elite
fighting unit called the US REDNECK SPECIAL FORCES (USRSF).
These North Carolina, Kentucky, West Virginia, Mississippi,
Missouri, Oklahoma, Arkansas, Alabama, Georgia, Texas,
Louisiana and Tennessee boys will be dropped into Iraq and have been given
the following facts about Terrorists:
1. The season opened today.
2. There is no limit.
3. They taste just like chicken.
4. They don't like beer, pickups, country music, or
Jesus.
5. They are DIRECTLY RESPONSIBLE for the death of Dale
Earnhardt.
This mess in Iraq should be over IN A WEEK. |
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| hammermdx |
A couple attending an art exhibition at the National Gallery were staring at a portrait that had them completely confused. The painting depicted three very black and totally naked men sitting on a park bench. Two of the figures had black penises, but the one in the middle had a pink penis. The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his assessment.
He went on for nearly half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of African Americans in a predominately white, patriarchal society. "In fact," he pointed out, "some serious critics believe that the pink penis also reflects the cultural
and sociological oppression experienced by gay men in contemporary society."
After the curator left, a young man in a Kentucky T-shirt approached the couple and said, "Would you like to know what the painting is really about? "
"Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the gallery" asked the couple. "Because I'm the guy who painted it," he replied."
In fact, there are no African Americans depicted at all. They're just three Kentucky coal miners, and the guy in the middle went
home for lunch. |
|
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| EXCALIBUR |
I was happy. My girlfriend and I were dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way; my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend? She was a dream!
There was only one thing bothering me, and that was my mother-in-law to be. She was a career woman, smart, but most of all beautiful and sexy, who sometimes flirted with me, which made me feel uncomfortable.
One day she called me and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. So I went. She was alone, and when I arrived, she whispered to me, that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. So before I got married and committed my life to her daughter, she wanted to make love to me just once?
What could I say? I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. So, she said, I'll go to the bedroom, and if you are up for it, just come and get me. I just watched her delicious behind as she went up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, and then turned around and went to the front door...
I opened it, and stepped out of the house.
Her husband was standing outside and with tears in his eyes, hugged me and said, we are very happy and pleased, you have passed our little test. We couldn't have asked for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.
Moral of the story: Always keep your condoms in your car.:12: |
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| mdxx3 |
| In a small town, an elderly couple had been dating each other for a long time. At the urging of their friends, they decided it was finally time for marriage. Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on. Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship. "How do you feel about sex?" he asked, rather trustingly. "Well," she said, responding very carefully, "I'd have to say . . . I would like it infrequently." The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, then over his glasses, he looked her in the eye and casually asked . . . "Is that one word or two words? " |
|
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| DaleB |
PANTS
Mike was going to be married to Karen, so his father sat him down for a little fireside chat......
He says, "Mike, let me tell you something. On my wedding night in our
honeymoon suite, I took off my pants and handed them to your mother and said, "Here - try these on."
She did and said, "These are too big, I can't wear them."
I replied, "Exactly I wear the pants in this family and I always will."
Ever since that night we have never had any problems."
"Hmmm," says Mike. He thinks that might be a good thing to try.
On his honeymoon, Mike takes off his pants and says to Karen, "Here
try these on." She does and says, "These are too large, they don't fit me."
Mike says, "Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will, and I don't want you to ever forget that."
Then Karen takes off her pants and hands them to Mike and says, "Here you try on mine."
He does and says, "I can't get into your pants."
Karen says, "Exactly. And, if you don't change your smart ass attitude, you never will." |
|
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| Sinecure |
George W. was out jogging one morning along the parkway when he tripped, fell over the bridge railing and landed in the creek below.
Before the Secret Service guys could get to him, three kids, who were fishing, pulled him out of the water. He was so grateful he offered the kids whatever they wanted.
The first kid said, "I want to Disneyland."
George said, "No problem. I'll take you there on Air Force One."
The second kid said, "I want a new pair of Nike Air Jordan's."
George said, "I'll get them for you and even have Michael sign them!"
The third kid said, "I want a motorized wheelchair with a built-in TV and stereo headset!"
Bush is a little perplexed by this and says, "But you don't look like you are handicapped."
The kid says, "I will be after my dad finds out I saved your ass from drowning!" |
|
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| hammermdx |
When a panel of doctors was asked to vote on adding a new wing to their hospital,
the Allergists voted to scratch it, the Dermatologists advised no rash moves, the Gastroenterologists had a gut feeling about it, but the Neurologists thought the administration had a lot of nerve, and the Obstetricians stated they were all laboring under a misconception.
The Ophthalmologists considered the idea short-sighted; the Pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!" while the Pediatricians said, "Grow up!"
The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness; the Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing, and the Radiologists could see right through it!
The Internists thought it was a bitter pill to swallow; the Plastic Surgeons said, "This puts a whole new face on the matter."
The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the Urologists felt the scheme wouldn't hold water.
The Anesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas, and the Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.
And in the end, the Proctologists left the decision up to some asshole!! |
|
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| EXCALIBUR |
A business owner in Texas was confused about paying an invoice minus the early payment discount, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help. He called her into his office and said, "You graduated from the University of Texas and I need some help."
"If I were to give you $21,375 minus 12.75% how much would you take off?"
The secretary thought a moment, then replied, "Everything but my earrings.":D |
|
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| EXCALIBUR |
A proctologist walked into a bank. Preparing to endorse a check, he pulled a rectal thermometer out of his shirt pocket and tried to write with it.
Realizing his mistake, he looked at the thermometer with annoyance and said, "Well that's great, just great! Some asshole's got my pen!":1pat: |
|
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| Maik |
A Greek and Italian were sitting in a Starbuck's one day
discussing who had the superior culture. Over triple lattes
the Greek guy says, "Well, we have the Parthenon."
Arching his eyebrows, the Italian replies, "We have the
Coliseum."
The Greek retorts, "We Greeks gave birth to advanced
mathematics."
The Italian, nodding agreement, says, "But we built the
Roman Empire."
And so on and so on until the Greek comes up with what he thinks will end the discussion.
With a flourish of finality he says, "We invented sex!"
The Italian replies, "That may be true, but it was Italians
who introduced it to women!" |
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| xfactor |
On a senior citizen bus tour, the driver was surprised. While the
passengers were unloading, to do some sightseeing, one elderly lady
stopped and whispered in his ear, "Driver, I believe that I was
sexually harassed!"
The driver didn't think much of this complaint, but promised he would
check into it soon.
Later, that very same day, as the passengers were unloading again, a
second little old lady bent down and whispered in his ear, "Sir, I
believe I was sexually harassed!"
This time, he knew it had to be taken care of soon. A few passengers
had remained on the bus, and he decided to go back and question them,
to see if they had any knowledge of what was going on. He found one
little old man crawling along the bus floor underneath the seats and
stooped down to question him. "Excuse me, sir, could I help you?"
The elderly man looked up and said, "Well, sonny, you sure can. I've
lost my toupee and I'm trying to find it. I thought I'd located it
twice, but they were parted in the middle, and mine's parted on the side!"
:2: |
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| paulp |
Dear Abby:
My husband is a liar and a cheat. He has cheated on me from the
beginning,
and when I confront him, he denies everything.
What's worse, everyone knows he cheats on me.
It is so humiliating.
Since he lost his job five years ago, he hasn't even looked for a new
one.
All he does is buy cigars and cruise around and bull**** with his pals,
while I have to work to pay the bills.
Since our daughter went away to college he doesn't even pretend to like
me
and hints that I am a lesbian.
What should I do?
Signed, Clueless
Dear Clueless:
Grow up and dump him. For Pete's sake, you don't need him anymore.
You're a United States Senator from New York. Act like it! |
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| anjan |
A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, "What are all those clocks?"
St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move."
"Oh," said the man, "whose clock is that?"
"That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie." "Incredible," said the man. "And whose clock is that one?"
St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life."
"Where's Bush's clock?" asked the man.
"Bush's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan." |
|
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| xfactor |
Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22
MPH. He thinks to himself, "This driver is just as dangerous as a
speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.
Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old
ladies -- two in the front seat and three in the back - eyes wide and white as ghosts.
The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer,
I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?"
"Ma'am," the officer replies, "You weren't speeding,
but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers."
"Slower than the speed limit?" she asked. No sir, I was
doing the speed limit exactly... Twenty-Two miles an hour!" the old woman says a bit proudly. The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that "22" was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.
"But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask... Is everyone in this car ok? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't
muttered a single peep this whole time." the officer asks.
"Oh, they'll be alright in a minute officer. We just got off Route 119..."
;) |
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| ByeByeChrysler |
| A married couple were getting ready for bed. The husband, feeling frisky, turned to his wife and said "If you wanna have sex, tug on my **** one time." "If you don't wanna have sex, tug on it 500 times". |
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| msu79gt82 |
I think this is a repeat, but ...
Boudreaux's 21-year-old, unmarried daughter tells her parents she thinks she is expecting. Very worried, they go to the drugstore to buy a pregnancy kit.
The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Shouting, cursing, and crying, Boudreaux says, "Who 'dat pig what did you like 'dis? I want to know! I gonna kill that varmit."
The girl picks up the phone and makes a call.
Half an hour later a Ferrari stops in front of Boudreaux's house. A mature and distinguished man with gray hair, impeccably dressed in a very expensive suit, steps out of the car and enters the house. He sits in the living room with Boudreaux, the mother and the girl and tells them, "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation, but I'll take responsibility."
He goes on to say, "If a girl is born, I will bequeath her two retail stores, a townhouse, a beach villa and a $1,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $2,000,000 bank account. If it is twins, a factory and $1,000,000 each. However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?"
At this point, Boudreaux, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him, "Den you try agin!" |
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| BaldEagle |
A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.
"What are you doing?" She asked.
"Hunting Flies" He responded.
"Oh. Killing any?" She asked.
"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.
Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell them apart?"
He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone." |
|
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| BaldEagle |
A large company, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO. This new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers. On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning on a wall. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business!
The new CEO walked up to the guy leaning against the wall and asked, "How much money do you make a week?"
A little surprised, the young fellow looked at him and replied, "I make $300.00 a week. Why?"
The CEO then handed the guy $1,200 in cash and screamed, "Here's four weeks' pay, now GET OUT and don't come back."
Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looked around the room and asked, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-off did here?"
From across the room came a voice, "Pizza delivery guy from Domino's." |
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| BaldEagle |
Queen Elizabeth and Dolly Parton die on the same day and they both go before an Angel to find out if they'll be admitted to Heaven.
Unfortunately, there's only one space left that day, so the Angel must decide which of them gets in. The Angel asks Dolly if there's some particular reason why she should go to Heaven.
Dolly takes off her top and says, "Look at these, they're the most perfect breasts God ever created, and I'm sure it will please God to be able to see them every day, for eternity."
The Angel thanks Dolly, and asks Her Majesty the same question.
The Queen takes a bottle of Perrier out of her purse, shakes it up, and gargles. Then, she spits into a toilet and pulls the lever.
The Angel says, "OK, your Majesty, you may go in."
Dolly is outraged and asks, "What was that all about? I show you two of God's own perfect creations and you turn me down.
She spits into a commode and she gets in! Would you explain that to me?"
"Sorry, Dolly," says the Angel, "but even in Heaven, a royal flush
beats a pair - no matter how big they are. |
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| Sinecure |
CNN is reporting that Lance Armstrong may be stripped of his 7th Tour
de France title.
In a random check for banned substances, 3 were found in Armstrong's
hotel room. The 3 substances banned by the French, that were found in
his hotel room were as follows:
(1) Toothpaste
(2) Deodorant
(3) Soap
The French officials also found several other items which they had
never seen before including a testicle and a backbone. |
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| Sinecure |
There ahve been some changes in Rome with the new German Pope:
 |
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| Sinecure |
A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day.
Playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was
dusting, he looked up and said, "Grandma, how come you
don't have a boyfriend now that Grandpa went to heaven?"
Grandma replied, "Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit
in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The religious
programs make me feel good and the comedies make me
laugh. I'm happy with my TV as my boyfriend."
Grandma turned on the TV, and the reception was terrible.
She started adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in
focus. Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of the TV
hoping to fix the problem.
The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open
the door, and there stood Grandma's minister.
The minister said, "Hello, son, is your Grandma home?"
The little boy replied, "Yeah, she's in the bedroom bangin' her boyfriend."
The minister fainted. |
|
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| BaldEagle |
Hillary Clinton's 506-page memoirs have
come out. So much of her personality shines
through, that in the end, you, too, will want to
sleep with an intern." - Craig Kilborn
In Hillary Clinton's new book 'Living History,'
Hillary details what it was like meeting Bill
Clinton, falling in love with him, getting
married, and living a passionate, wonderful
life as husband and wife. Then on page two,
the trouble starts." - Jay Leno
"In the book she says when Bill told her he
was having an affair, she said 'I could hardly
breathe, I was gulping for air.' No, I'm sorry,
that's what Monica said." - David Letterman
"Hillary Clinton, our junior senator from New
York, announced that she has no intentions of
ever, ever running for office of the President
of the United States. Her husband, Bill Clinton, is
bitterly disappointed. He is crushed. There go
his dreams of becoming a two-impeachment
family." - David Letterman
"Last night, Senator Hillary Clinton hosted her
first party in her new home in Washington.
People said it was a lot like the parties she
used to host at the White House. In fact, even
the furniture was the same." - Jay Leno
"Senator Hillary Clinton is attacking President
Bush for breaking his campaign promise to cut
carbon dioxide emissions, saying a promise made,
a promise broken. And then out of habit, she
demanded that Bush spend the night on the
couch." - Craig Kilborn
" CNN found that Hillary Clinton is the most
admired woman in America. Women admire her
because she's strong and successful. Men admire her
because she allows her husband to cheat and get
away with It." - Jay Leno
"Hillary Clinton is the junior senator from
the great state of New York. When they
swore her in, she used the Clinton family
Bible.... the one with only seven commandments."
-David Letterman |
|
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| BaldEagle |
Have you ever wondered where and how yodeling began?
Many years ago a man was traveling through the mountains of Switzerland.
Nightfall was rapidly approaching and he had nowhere to sleep. He went up to a farmhouse and asked the farmer if he could spend the night. !
The farmer told him that he could sleep in the barn.
As the story goes, the farmer's daughter asked her father, "Who is that man going into the barn?"
"That fellow traveling through," said the farmer. "needs a place to stay for the night, so, I told him he could sleep in the barn."
The daughter said, "Perhaps he is hungry." So she prepared him a plate of food for him and then took it out to the barn.
About an hour later, the daughter returned. Her clothing disheveled and straw in her hair. Straight up to bed she went.
The farmer's wife was very observant. She then suggested that perhaps the man was thirsty. So she fetched a bottle of wine, took it out to the barn,! and she too did not return for an hour. Her clothing was askew, her blouse buttoned incorrectly. She also headed straight to bed.
The next morning at sunrise the man in the barn got up and continued on his journey, waving to the farmer as he left.
When the daughter awoke and learned that the visitor was gone, she broke into tears. "How could he leave without even saying goodbye," she cried. "We made such passionate love last night!"
"What?" shouted the father as he angrily ran out of the house looking for the man, who by now was halfway up the mountain.
The farmer screamed up at him, "I'm going to get you! You had sex with my daughter!"
The man looked back down from the mountainside, cupped his hand next to his mouth, and yelled out.....
"LAIDTHEOLAIDEETOO" |
|
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| hammermdx |
A chicken farmer went into a local tavern and took a seat at the bar next to a woman patron and orders a glass of champagne. The woman perks up and says " How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!"
He turned to her and said, "What a coincidence. This is a special day for me, I'm celebrating."
"This is a special day for me, too, and I'm also celebrating!" says the woman.
"What a coincidence." says the man. They clinked glasses and he asked,
"What are you celebrating?"
"My husband and I have been trying to have a child. Today, my gynecologist told me I'm pregnant!"
"What a coincidence." says the man. "I'm a chicken farmer. For years all my hens were infertile, but today they're finally fertile."
"That's great!" says the woman, "How did your chickens become fertile?"
"I switched cocks." he replied.
"What a coincidence!" she said. |
|
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| BaldEagle |
A housewife takes a lover during the day, while her
husband is at work.
Unknown to her, her 9 year old son, was hiding in the
closet.
Her husband came home unexpectedly, so she hid her
lover in the closet. The boy now has company.
Boy: "Dark in here."
Man: "Yes it is."
Boy: "I have a baseball."
Man: "That's nice."
Boy: "Want to buy it?"
Man: "No, thanks."
Boy: "My dad's outside."
Man: "OK, how much?"
Boy: "$250."
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy
and the mom's lover are in the closet together.
Boy: "Dark in here."
Man: "Yes, it is."
Boy: "I have a baseball glove.
Man: "That's nice."
Boy: " You want to buy it?"
Man: "How much?"
Boy: "$750."
Man: "Fine."
A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab
your glove. Let's go outside and toss the baseball."
The boy says, "I can't. I sold them."
The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
The son says, "$1, 000."
The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your
friends like that. That is way more than those two
things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make
you confess."
They go to church and the father alerts the priest,
and makes the little boy sit in the confession booth
and closes the door.
The boy says, "Dark in here. "
The priest says, "Don't start that s--t again . . |
|
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| ByeByeChrysler |
HUSBAND # 2:
A married couple was sitting in a
fine restaurant when the wife looks
over at a nearby table and sees a
man in a drunken stupor.
The husband asks, "I notice you've
been watching that man for some time
now.
Do you know him?"
"Yes" she replies, "He's my ex-husband,
and he has been drinking like that
since I left him seven years ago."
"That's remarkable" her husband replies,
"I wouldn't think anybody could celebrate
that long."
Services will be held for Husband #2
at 2:30 p.m. Saturday at Forever Green
Mortuary. |
|
|
| carguy1234 |
| Which do you choose? |
|
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| ByeByeChrysler |
Still funny.
A newlywed couple wanted to join a church. The pastor told them, "We have
special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from sex for one
whole month."
The couple agreed and, after two-and-a-half weeks, returned to the
Church. When the Pastor ushers them into his office, the wife is crying, and
the husband is obviously very depressed.
"You are back so soon...Is there a problem?" the pastor inquired. "We
are terribly
ashamed to admit that we did not manage to abstain from sex for the
required
month," the young man replied sadly.
The pastor asked him what happened. "Well,the first week was difficult.
However, we managed to abstain through sheer willpower. The second week was
terrible, but with the use of prayer, we managed to abstain. However, the
third week was unbearable.
We tried cold showers, prayer, reading from the Bible...anything to keep
our minds off
carnal thoughts. One afternoon, my wife reached for a can of paint and
dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and
had my way with her right then and there," admitted the man, shamefacedly.
"You understand this means you will not be welcome in our church,"
stated the pastor.
"We know." said the young man, hanging his head, "We're not welcome at
Home Depot, either. |
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| ByeByeChrysler |
Acura Service in the Antarctic:
This penguin goes to the local Antarctic Acura dealer to get some service on his MDX. The service manager says:
“This problem may take a little while to diagnose.”
Penguin says, “OK, I think I’ll take a little stroll.”
While he’s out he comes across an ice cream stand. Being a penguin, he just can’t resist. Problem is he has no hands and gets ice cream all over his nice formal suit.
Back at the Acura dealer, the service manager tells him; “Looks like you blew a seal.”
To which the penguin replies, "Nah, that’s just ice cream." |
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| ByeByeChrysler |
A soldier came to a fork in the road and saw a nun standing there.
He asked her, "Please Sister, may I hide under your skirts for a few minutes. I'll explain WHY later."
The nun agreed to his request.
A short time later, two Military Police (MPs) came running along and asked if she had seen a soldier running down the road.
She replied, "He went that way."
After the MPs disappeared, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said, "I can't thank you enough Sister, but you see I don't want to go to Iraq."
The nun said she could fully understand his fear.
The soldier added, "I hope you don't think me rude or impertinent, but you have the most beautiful pair of legs I've ever seen!"
The nun replied, "If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen the most beautiful pair of balls you've ever seen! I don't want to go to Iraq either." |
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| ByeByeChrysler |
The Worlds Perfect Breasts:
A guy walking down the street sees a woman with perfect breasts. He says to her, "Hey miss, would you let me bite your breasts for $100 dollars?
"Are you nuts? !!" she replies, and keeps walking away. He turns around, runs around the block and gets to the corner before she does.
"Would you let me bite your breasts for $1,000 dollars?" he asks again.
"Listen you; I'm not that kind of woman! Got it?" So the guy runs around the next block and faces her again. "Would you let me bite your breasts just once for $10,000 dollars?"
She thinks about it for a while and says, "Hmmm, $10,000 dollars, eh? Ok, just once, but not here. Let's go to that dark alley over there."
So they go into the alley, where she takes off her blouse to reveal the most perfect breasts in the world. As soon as he sees them, he grabs them and starts caressing them, fondling them slowly, kissing them, licking them, burying his face in them, but not biting them.
The woman finally gets annoyed and asks, "Well? Are you gonna bite them or not?"
"Nah", he replies. "Costs too much..............." |
|
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| BaldEagle |
Sister Margaret had been a model nun all her life. Then, she was called to her reward. As she approached the Pearly Gates, Saint Peter said, "Hold on, Sister Margaret. not so fast!"
"But I have been good all my life and dedicated to the work of the Lord from the time I was taken in as an infant by the sisters at the Convent to my dying breath. I have lived for this moment!" Sister Margaret exclaimed in disbelief.
"That is just the problem," replied St. Peter, "you never learned right from wrong and, to get into heaven, you must know the difference between right and wrong."
"Well, what can I do? I will do anything to get into heaven!" Sister Margaret pleaded.
"I am going to have to send you back down to Earth. When you get there I want you to smoke a cigarette and call me when you are finished. We will discuss your situation then," ordered St. Peter.
Sister Margaret returned to Earth, smoked a Camel, and then immediately called St. Peter, coughing and hacking. "Saint Peter" she gasped, "I can hardly breathe, my mouth tastes terrible, my breath stinks, I feel dizzy, and I think I am going to throw up."
"Good!" replied the old saint, "now you are finally getting a feel for right and wrong. Now go out tonight and drink some hard liquor and call me when you are ready."
Sister Margaret phoned St. Peter immediately after taking several belts of Jack Daniel's. "Saint Peter.....I feel woozy. That vile liquid burned my throat and nauseated me. It is all I can do to keep it down."
"Good, good! Now you are starting to see the difference between right and wrong," said St. Peter with delight. "Tomorrow I want you to seek out a man and know him in the Biblical sense. Afterward, call me."
A couple weeks passed before Sister Margaret called St. Peter and left a message......
"Yo, Pete, it's Maggie.......It's gonna be a while! |
|
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| ByeByeChrysler |
A Cocker Spaniel, a Poodle and a Great Dane found themselves in the waiting room at the veterinary office.
Spaniel to the Poodle: "Why are you in here?"
Poodle: "Well, I peed in the house one too many times, and my owners have decided it was time to put me to sleep.
Why are you here?"
Spaniel: "I've got a very bad temper, and I the other day I bit two of the neighbor's kids. So, my owners are having me put to sleep too." He turns to the Great Dane and asks, "Why are you here?"
Great Dane: "Well my owner is a beautiful blonde who walks around the house all day in the nude. Yesterday I couldn't take it any more and when she was on her knees doing something on the floor, I mounted her."
Spanial: "So, why are you here?"
Great Dane: "I have to get my nails clipped." |
|
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| Rick_James |
quote:
Originally posted by ByeByeChrysler
A Cocker Spaniel, a Poodle and a Great Dane found themselves in the waiting room at the veterinary office.
Spaniel to the Poodle: "Why are you in here?"
Poodle: "Well, I peed in the house one too many times, and my owners have decided it was time to put me to sleep.
Why are you here?"
Spaniel: "I've got a very bad temper, and I the other day I bit two of the neighbor's kids. So, my owners are having me put to sleep too." He turns to the Great Dane and asks, "Why are you here?"
Great Dane: "Well my owner is a beautiful blonde who walks around the house all day in the nude. Yesterday I couldn't take it any more and when she was on her knees doing something on the floor, I mounted her."
Spanial: "So, why are you here?"
Great Dane: "I have to get my nails clipped."
That was great!! LOL thanks man!! |
|
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| ByeByeChrysler |
A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day.
One day, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side.
When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side... ......You know what?"
"What dear?" she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.
"I think you're bad luck, get the fcuk away from me." |
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