| BaldEagle |
A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.
The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"
"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.
"Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" the man asked.
"No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said. "I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."
"Will you spend this on greens fees at a golf course instead of food?" the man asked.
"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years!"
"Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district instead of food?" the man asked.
"What disease would I get for ten lousy bucks?" exclaimed the homeless man.
"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."
The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting."
The man replied, "That's okay. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up beer, fishing, golf, and sex." |
|
|
| Maik |
| A woman got on a bus holding a baby. The bus driver looked at the child and blurted out, "That`s the ugliest baby I`ve ever seen!" Infuriated, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus. The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what was wrong. "The bus driver insulted me," she fumed. The man sympathized and said, "Why, he shouldn`t say things to insult passengers. He could be fired for that." "You`re right," she said. "I think I`ll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind!" "That`s a good idea," the man said. "Here, let me hold your monkey." |
|
|
| BaldEagle |
An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow"
The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked what happened and the man explained:
"Well, doc it's like this- first I tried with my right hand, but
nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.
Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing.
She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her
teeth out, still nothing.
We even called up Arlene, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin it between her knees, but still nothing.
The doctor was shocked!?? " You asked your neighbor ?"
The old man replied, "Yep. None of us could get the jar open" |
|
|
| DaleB |
THINGS NOT TO SAY TO A COP IF YOU ARE PULLED OVER
1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer. (OK in Texas)
2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.
3.Aren't you the guy from the Village People?
4. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job!
5. Are You Andy or Barney?
6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police
officer.
7. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?
8. I pay your salary!
9. Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!
10. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.
11. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars
around.. That's how far ahead of me they are.
12. When the Officer says "Gee Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?" You probably shouldn't respond with,"Gee Officer your eyes look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?" |
|
|
| DaleB |
Subject: MAGIC BEER
A lady walks into a bar and sees a really good-looking guy sitting at the bar by himself. She goes over and
asks him what he is drinking.
"Magic Beer," he says.
She thinks he's a little crazy, so she walks around the bar, but after realizing that there is no one else worth
talking to, goes back to the man sitting at the bar and says, "That isn't really Magic Beer, is it?"
"Yes, I'll show you."
He takes a drink of the beer, jumps out the window, flies around the building three times and comes back in the
window.
The lady can't believe it: "I bet you can't do that again."
He takes another drink of beer, jumps out the window, flies around the building three times, and comes back
in the window.
She is so amazed that she says she wants a Magic Beer, so the guy says to the bartender, "Give her one of what
I'm having."
She gets her drink, takes a gulp of the beer, jumps out the window, plummets 30 stories, breaks every bone in
her body, and dies.
The bartender looks up at the guy and says, "You know, Superman, you're a real asshole when you're drunk." |
|
|
| hammermdx |
Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror, complaining to my husband that my breasts are too small. Instead of automatically telling me it's not so, he uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion: "If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds." Willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet paper and I stand in front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts. "How long will this take?" I ask. "They will grow larger over a period of years," he replies. I stop. "Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?"
Without missing a beat he says, "Worked for your ass, didn't it?"
He's still alive, and with a great deal of physical therapy, he may even walk again.
Stupid, stupid man. |
|
|
| xfactor |
TO ALL THE KIDS WHO SURVIVED the
1930's 40's, 50's, 60's and 70's !!
First, we survived being born to mothers who smoked and/or drank while they carried us.
They took aspirin, ate blue cheese dressing, tuna from a can, and didn't get tested for diabetes.
Then after that trauma, our baby cribs were covered with bright colored lead-based paints.
We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors or cabinets and when we rode our bikes, we had no helmets, not to mention, the risks we took hitchhiking.
As children, we would ride in cars with no seat belts or air bags.
Riding in the back of a pick up on a warm day was always a special treat.
We drank water from the garden hose and NOT from a bottle.
We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle and NO ONE actually died from this.
We ate cupcakes, white bread and real butter and drank soda pop with sugar in it, but we weren't overweight because
WE WERE ALWAYS OUTSIDE PLAYING!
We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the streetlights came on.
No one was able to reach us all day. And we were O.K.
We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and then ride down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. After running into the bushes a few times, we learned to solve the problem.
We did not have Playstations, Nintendo's, X-boxes, no video games at all, no 99 channels on cable, no video tape movies, no surround sound, no cell phones, no personal computers, no Internet or Internet chat rooms..........WE HAD FRIENDS and we went outside and found them!
We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth and there were no lawsuits from these accidents.
We ate worms and mud pies made from dirt, and the worms did not live in us forever.
We were given BB guns for our 10th birthdays, made up games with sticks and tennis balls and although we were told it would happen, we did not put out very many eyes.
We rode bikes or walked to a friend's house and knocked on the door or rang the bell, or just walked in and talked to them!
Little League had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those who didn't had to learn to deal with disappointment. Imagine that!!
The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law was unheard of. They actually sided with the law!
This generation has produced some of the best risk-takers, problem solvers and inventors ever!
The past 50 years have been an explosion of innovation and new ideas.
We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned
HOW TO DEAL WITH IT ALL!
And YOU are one of them! CONGRATULATIONS!
You might want to share this with others who have had the luck to grow up as kids, before the lawyers and the government regulated our lives for our own good.
and while you are at it, forward it to your kids so they will know how brave their parents were.
Kind of makes you want to run through the house with scissors, doesn't it?
:2: |
|
|
| xfactor |
A mother and her very young son were flying Southwest airlines from Detroit to Phoenix. The little boy (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and asked, "If big dogs have baby dogs, and big cats have baby cats, why don't big airplanes have baby airplanes?" The mother (who couldn't think of an answer) told her son to ask the stewardess.
So the boy went down the aisle and asked the stewardess. The stewardess, who was very busy at the time, smiled and said, "Did your Mom tell you to ask me?" The boy said, "Yes, she did." "Well, then, you go and tell your mother that there are no baby airplanes because Southwest always pulls out on time. Have your Mom explain that to you."
:D |
|
|
| ByeByeChrysler |
A young Japanese guy has just moved to the states, and his parents are sending him money to help out. The first week, he takes his parents check for 600 yen to the bank, and he gets $72. The next week, he takes his check for 600 yen to the bank, and receives $66. He ask the bank teller the reason for the change, and she tells him "fluctuations".
He looks at her and says "No, fluck you Americans!" |
|
|
| ByeByeChrysler |
| A woman takes her dog to the vet because it has been having a hard time hearing her comands. The vet inspects the dog and says" Your dogs ears are fine, but there is a lot of hair around them. What you should do is go to the drug store and buy some nair hair removal cream. Just rub some of that on his ears and he should be fine." She goes into the drug store and asks the pharmicist for the cream. The pharmicist say "This Nair should work fine, but you may not want to put deodorant on after use." She says "It's not for my underarms." He says "In that case you may not want to wear pantyhose right away." She says "It's not for my legs, it's for my Schnauzer!!" He says" Well you may want to stay off your bike for a while". |
|
|
| ByeByeChrysler |
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy takes out his phone and calls the emergency services.
He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gunshot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?" |
|
|
| ByeByeChrysler |
| Two arriving immigrants from Pakistan meet in Montreal and one tells the other his dream is to be the biggest convenience store owner in Canada one day. The other tells his new friend that he wants to be a true "Au Canada" citizen. Years later they bump into each other and the first immigrant says that he realized his dream, "I own 40 7-11 stores from BC to Labrador", and did you realize your dream? The second immigrant replied, "F*** off Paki."-- |
|
|
| DaleB |
A drunken cowboy lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh Amarillo Theatre. When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the cowboy, "Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat."
The cowboy groaned but didn't budge. The usher became more impatient: "Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager."
Once again, the cowboy just groaned. The usher marched briskly back up the aisle , and in a moment he returned with the manager. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move the cowboy, but with no success.
Finally they summoned the police. The Texas Ranger surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy what's your name?"
"Sam," the cowboy moaned.
"Where ya all from, Sam?" asked the Ranger.
With terrible pain in his voice, and without moving a muscle, Sam replied,
"... the balcony." |
|
|
| hammermdx |
I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:
* I do physical labor.
* I work at great depths.
* I plunge headfirst into everything I do.
* I do not get weekends or holidays off.
* I work in a damp environment.
* I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.
* I work in high temperatures.
* My work exposes me to contagious diseases.
Sincerely, The Penis
Dear Penis,
After assessing your request and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:
* You do not work eight hours straight.
* You fall asleep after brief work periods.
* You do not always follow the orders of the management team.
* You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting other locations.
* You do not take initiative.
* You need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working.
* You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.
* You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the correct protective clothing.
* You will retire well before you are 65.
* You are unable to work double shifts.
* You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have completed the assigned task.
And if that were not enough,
* You are constantly seen entering and exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious looking bags.
Sincerely, The Management |
|
|
| hammermdx |
A family is sitting around the supper table. The son asks his father, "Dad, how many kinds of breasts are there?
The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, there are three kinds of breasts.
In her twenties, a women's breasts are like melons, round and
firm. In her thirties to forties, they are like pears, still nice but
hanging a bit. After fifty, they are like onions."
"Onions?"
"Yes, see them and they make you cry."
This infuriated the wife and daughter so the daughter said, "Mum, how many kinds of willies are there?"
The mother, surprised, smiles and looks at her daughter and answers, "Well dear, a man goes through three phases. In a man's twenties, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his thirties and forties, it is a birch, flexible but reliable.
After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree."
"A Christmas tree?"
"Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are for decoration only" |
|
|
| hammermdx |
You may remember the old Catskill comics of Vaudeville days, viz., Shecky Green, Red Buttons, Dotie Fields, Milton Berle, Henny Youngman, and others? You've probably heard of them before, but don't you miss their humor? Not one single swear word in their comedy.
There was a beautiful young woman knocking on my hotel room door all night! I finally had to let her out.
A car hit an elderly Jewish man. The paramedic says, "Are you comfortable?" The man says, "I make a good living."
I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my mother-in-law to the airport.
I've been in love with the same woman for 49 years. If my wife ever finds out, she'll kill me!
What are three words a woman never wants to hear when she's making love? "Honey, I'm home!"
Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.
We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding night, only this time I stayed in the bathroom and cried.
My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife called it the Dead Sea.
She was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the estimate. She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.
I was just in London - there is a 6-hour time difference. I'm still confused. When I go to dinner, I feel sexy. When I go to bed, I feel hungry.
The doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so the doctor gave him another six months.
The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, "Mrs. Cohen, your check came back." Mrs. Cohen answered, "So did my arthritis!"
Doctor: "You'll live to be 60!" Patient: "I AM 60!" Doctor: "See! What did I tell you?"
A doctor has a stethoscope up to a man's chest. The man asks, "Doc, how do I stand" The doctor says, "That's what puzzles me!"
Doctor says to a man, "You're pregnant!" The man says, "How does a man get pregnant?" The doctor says, "The usual way. A little wine, a little dinner, you know?"
Patient: "I have a ringing in my ears." Doctor: "Don't answer!"
A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says, "You've been brought here for drinking." The drunk says "Okay, let's get started."
A bum asked a fellow, "Give me $10 till payday." The fellow responded, "When's payday?" The bum said, "I don't know! You're the one that's working!"
I wish my brother would learn a trade, so I would know what kind of work he's out of. |
|
|
| BaldEagle |
A blonde lady motorist was about two hours from San Diego when she was flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down. The man walked up to the car and asked, "Are you going to San Diego?"
"Sure," answered the blonde, "do you need a lift?"
"Not for me. I'll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck. My problem is I've got two chimpanzees in the back which have to be taken to the San Diego Zoo. They're a bit stressed already so I don't want to keep them on the road all day. Could you possibly take them to the zoo for me?
I'll give you $100 for your trouble."
"I'd be happy to," said the blonde. So the two chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of the blonde's car and carefully strapped into their seat belts. Off they went.
Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of San Diego when suddenly he was horrified!! There was the blonde walking down the street and holding hands with the two chimps, much to the amusement of a big crowd. With a screech of brakes he pulled off the road and ran over to the blonde.
"What the heck are you doing here?" he demanded, "I gave you $100 to take these chimpanzees to the zoo."
"Yes, I know you did," said the blonde, "but we had money left over---so now we're going to Sea World." |
|
|
| hammermdx |
A woman was walking down the street when she was approached by a man.
The man said, " I want to have $ex with you right now!
I'll drop 500 dollars on the ground at your feet and in the time it
takes for you to pick it up I will screw you from behind and be on my way!"
The woman thought it over and told the man to wait a minute.
She called her girlfriend on her cell phone and told her about the man's proposition.
Her girlfriend said " When he drops the $500 on the ground I'm sure you can pick it up and run before he gets his pants down.
Call me back and tell me what happened." An hour and a half later the lady called her girlfriend back.
"What happened?" the girlfriend asked. The lady said " That Son-Of-A-Bltch had $500 in quarters. |
|
|
| BaldEagle |
It's the summer of 1957 and Harold goes to pick up his date, Peggy Sue. Harold's a pretty hip guy with his own car and a duck tail hairdo.
When he goes to the front door, Peggy Sue's mother answers and invites him in. "Peggy Sue's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?" she says.
That's cool. Peggy Sue's mother asks Harold what they're planning to do.
Harold replies politely that they will probably just go to the malt shop or to a drive-in movie.
Peggy Sue's mother responds, "Why don't you kids go out and screw? I hear all the kids are doing it."
Naturally this comes as quite a surprise to Harold and he says "Wha...aaat?"
"Yeah," says Peggy Sue's mother, "We know Peggy Sue really likes to screw; why, she'd screw all night if we let her!"
Harold's eyes light up and he smiles from ear to ear. Immediately, he has revised the plans for the evening.
A few minutes later, Peggy Sue comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt with her saddle shoes, and announces that she's ready to go.
Almost breathless with anticipation, Harold escorts his date out the front door while Mom is saying, "Have a good evening kids," with a small wink for Harold.
About 20 minutes later, a thoroughly disheveled Peggy Sue rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her and screams at her mother:
"Dammit, Mom! The Twist! The Twist! It's called The Twist!" |
|
|
| EXCALIBUR |
Eight-year-old Sally brought her report card home from school. Her marks were good ... mostly A's and a couple of B's. However, her teacher had written across the bottom:
"Sally is a smart little girl, but she has one fault. She talks too much in school. I have an idea I am going to try, which I think may break her of the habit."
Sally's dad signed her report card, putting a note on the back:
"Please let me know if your idea works on Sally because I would like to try it out on her mother.":D |
|
|
| cardingtr |
Teaching math
Last week I purchased a burger at Burger King for $1.58.
The counter girl took my $2 and I was digging for my change when I pulled 8 cents from my pocket and gave it to her.
She stood there, holding the nickel and 3 pennies, while looking at the screen on her register.
I sensed her discomfort and tried to tell her to just give me two quarters, but she hailed the manager for help.
While he tried to explain the transaction to her, she stood there and cried.
Why do I tell you this? Because of the evolution in teaching math since the
1950s:
Teaching Math In 1950
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production
is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit?
Teaching Math In 1960
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production
is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit?
Teaching Math In 1970
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production
is $80.
Did he make a profit?
Teaching Math In 1980
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production
is $80 and his profit is $20. Your assignment: Underline the number 20.
Teaching Math In 1990
A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and
inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the preservation of our woodlands. He does this so he can make a profit of $20.
What do you think of this way of making a living?
Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down their homes? (There are no wrong answers.)
Teaching Math In 2005
Un hachero vende una carretada de madera para $100. !
El costo de la producción es $80 |
|
|
| hammermdx |
The American Poetry Competition had come down to two finalists:
a graduate from the University of Michigan and a redneck from Northern Arkansas. They were given a word, then allowed two minutes to study the word and come up with a poem that contained the word.
The word they were given was "TIMBUKTU". First to recite his poem was the university graduate. He stepped to the microphone and recited:
"Slowly across the desert sand
Trekked a lonely caravan
Men on camels two by two
Destination - Timbuktu."
The crowd applauded!
No way could the redneck top that, they thought.
But the redneck calmly made his way to the microphone and recited:
"Me and Tim a'huntin' went
Met three whores in a pop-up tent
They was three, and we was two
So I bucked one, and Timbuktu."
The redneck won hands down!!! |
|
|
| ROTORRAY |
There was once was this guy who developed a bad case of
flatulence. The smell was quite embarrassing, but what was worse was the sound which was a loud "HONDA!"
He went to a number of doctor (of course) and none of them could
help him (as is always the case in these tales). Finally out of
desperation he went to an old Chinese doctor and explained his
problem.
Without any examination the doctor said, "You have an abscessed
tooth. Have it fixed and your problem will be solved."
So he went to a dentist, and sure, enough he did have an
abscessed tooth, which he had repaired, and his "HONDA" farts
went away as well.
So he went back to the Chinese doctor and said, "How did you know that I had an abscessed tooth?"
"Because", said the Chinese doctor, "everybody know that ... ...
abscess make the fart go HONDA!" |
|
|
| hammermdx |
A drunken old man walks into a biker bar, sits down at the bar and orders a drink. Looking around, he sees three men sitting at a corner table. He gets up, staggers to the table, leans over, looks the biggest, meanest, biker in the face and says: "I went by your grandma's house today and I saw her in the hallway buck naked. Man, she is one fine looking woman!"
The biker looks at him and doesn't say a word.. His buddies are confused, because he is one bad biker and would fight at the drop of a hat.
The drunk leans on the table again and says: "I got it on with your grandma and she is good, the best I ever had!"
The biker's buddies are starting to get really mad but the biker still says nothing.
The drunk leans on the table one more time and says, "I'll tell you something else, boy, your grandma liked it!"
At this point the biker stands up, takes the drunk by the shoulders looks him square in the eyes and says...................
Grandpa,....... Go home, you're drunk !" |
|
|
| BaldEagle |
A couple were listening to the radio over breakfast. They hear the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get through." Norman's wife goes out and moves her car.
A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get through." Norman's wife goes out and moves her car again.
The next week they are again having breakfast, when the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park ..." Then the power goes out.
Norman's wife is very upset, and with a worried look on her face she says, "Honey, I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snowplows can get through?"
With the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are married to blondes exhibit, Norman says .. "Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time?" |
|
|
| EXCALIBUR |
A husband and wife decided they needed to use word "Typewriter" to indicate that they wanted to have sex without letting their children in on it.
One day the husband told his five year old daughter, "Go tell your mommy that daddy needs to type a letter."
The child told her mother what her dad said, and her mom responded, "Tell your daddy that he can't type a letter right now cause there is a red ribbon in the typewriter." The child went back to tell her father what mommy said.
A few days later the mom told the daughter, "Tell daddy that he can type that letter now."
The child told her father, returned to her mother and announced, "Daddy said never mind with the typewriter, he already wrote the letter by hand.":rolleyes: |
|
|
| zafer |
Lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Sheriffs Deputy. He Thinks that he is smarter than the Deputy because he is sure that he has a Better education. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at The deputies expense...........
Deputy says, "License and registration, please."
Lawyer says, "What for?"
Deputy says, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign "
Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."
Deputy says, "You still didn't come to a complete stop. License and Registration, please."
Lawyer says, "What's the difference?"
Deputy says, "The difference is, you have to come to a complete stop, that's the law. License and registration, please!"
Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and Stop, I'll give you my license and registration and you give me the ticket, If not you let me go and no ticket."
Deputy says, "Exit your vehicle, sir."
At this point, the Deputy takes out his nightstick and starts beating the Ever-loving crap out of the Lawyer and says: "DO YOU WANT ME TO STOP OR JUST SLOW DOWN?" |
|
|
| hammermdx |
A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.
The waitress asks them for their orders.
The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich,
"What's yours?"
"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be $9.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.
The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke."
The ostrich says, "I'll have the same." Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
This becomes routine until the two enter again. "The usual?" asks the waitress.
"No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a salad," says the man.
"Same," says the ostrich.
Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $32.62."
Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.
The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir.
How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your
pocket every time?"
"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes.
My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amout of money would always be there."
"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"
"That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.
The waitress asks, "What's with the ostrich?"
The man sighs, pauses and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with a big ass and long legs who agrees with everything I say." |
|
|
| hammermdx |
A man walks into a bar with 3 absolutely gorgeous women obviously attending him, a blond and brunette and a redhead. They are dressed in a provocative, yet tasteful manner and could adorn the cover of countless men's magazines. All heads turn as they saunter in. The man leads them to the bar and orders a draft beer and pulls out a tremendous wad of $100.00 bills, peels one off, hands it to the bartender and says 'keep the change'. The bartender pours the beer and places the mug in front of the man. Out of the corner of his eye, he sees a flash of movement from the man's pocket, down his arm, onto the bar and the beer mug is tipped over. The bartender cannot believe what he sees as he watches a little man, about one foot tall, run back up the arm of the man and jump into his pocket.
Shaking his head and being consoled by the beautiful women in his attendance, the man peels off another $100.00 bill, places it on the bar and asks for another beer. The bartender, still in shock at what he saw, takes a new mug of beer and places it on the bar in front of the man and steps back to see what happens this time. Sure enough, a little man jumps out of the patrons pocket, runs down his arm, kicks the beer mug over and runs back up and into the pocket.
The bartender can contain himself no longer and leans over and says, "
Listen, forgive me for asking but what is with that little guy kicking your beer over?" The patron sighs, and begins a tale that he has obviously told many times. "I was walking along the beach one day when I found an antique lamp in the sand. I took it home and when I began to clean it, a Genie popped out and granted me three wishes." The bartender was mesmerized by the story and the beautiful women and leaned forward, listened intently. "My first wish was easy, I wished for a never ending wad of $100.00 bills to be in my pocket anytime I reach into it." He pulled out the enormous wad as an example. He continued, "My next wish was to be always surrounded by beautiful women." At this point, he put his arms around the three women he came in with and said, "Obviously, this was a great wish too." At this point he stopped, seemingly finished with the story and the bartender could contain himself no longer and practically yelled: "But what about the little guy kicking over your beer? What's up with that?" The man dropped his head, shook it and then looked the bartender in the eye and said: "He is my fault, I should have been more specific in my third wish." About to come unglued, the bartender pushed a third mug of beer toward the man, which promptly met the same fate as the first two. The bartender grabbed the man by the collar and said, "I don't understand, he was your third wish?", pointing to the little man peeking out of his pocket.
"Yes, as with the other wishes, the Genie gave me just what I asked for." With his eyes about to pop out of his head, the bartender screamed, "What in the world did you wish for?" "Simple, I asked the Genie for a 12 inch prick." |
|
|
| ByeByeChrysler |
A guy and a girl meet at a bar. They get along so well that they decide
to go to the girl's place.
A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and then washes his hands.
He then takes off his trousers and washes his hands again.
The girl has been watching him and says, "You must be a dentist."
The guy, surprised, says Yes....how did you figure that out.
"Easy," she replied, "you keep washing your hands."
One thing led to another and they make love.
After they are done, the girl says, "You must be a good dentist."
The guy, now with a boosted ego says, "Sure, I'm a good dentist, how
did you figure that out?"
"Didn't feel a thing"! |
|
|
| ByeByeChrysler |
In a company there are two employees, Jack and Jill. Both have been model employees and have been much valued by the firm. However, due to financial setbacks, the company is forced to let one of them go. But which one?
The boss decides on a plan. He will watch Jack closely for one day, monitoring his performance. The next day, he will similarly scrutinize Jill. Then he will announce which one he is going to keep and which one will have to be fired.
The first day, Jack comes in early. He works hard all morning, not even taking a coffee break. He skips lunch. He works hard all afternoon, doesn't spend any time on the phone, and leaves late.
Noticing this, the boss begins to think, "If they're both such diligent workers, the choice is going to be even harder."
The next day, Jill comes in late, complaining of a headache. She takes some aspirin and hangs out at the water fountain talking to her friends. She takes an extra long coffee break. She leaves early for lunch, and comes back late. She's unproductive in the afternoon, spending most of her time calling her friends and telling them how miserable she feels.
The boss takes note of this. His mind is made up. So at the end of the day, the boss calls Jill into his office. He starts by saying her, "Jill, I've been trying to decide whether to lay you or Jack off."
And she replies, "Well, you're going to have to jack off because *I've* got a hangover." |
|
|
| DaleB |
My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we
decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me.
It was her beautiful younger sister.
My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts,
and generally was braless. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a pleasant view of her private parts. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else.
One day "little" sister called and asked me to come over to check the
wedding invitations.
She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had
feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome.
She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got
married and committed my life to her sister. Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word.
She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last
wild fling, just come up and get me."
I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs.
When she reached the top she pulled off her panties and threw them down
the stairs at me.
I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to
the front door.
I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.
Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all
clapping!
With tears in his eyes, my future father-in-law hugged me and said,
"We are very happy that you have passed our little test.....we couldn't
ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."
And the moral of this story is:
Always keep your condoms in your car...... |
|
|
| DaleB |
The picture below has 2 identical dolphins in it. It was used in a case
study on stress level at St. Mary's Hospital.
Look at both dolphins jumping out of the water. The dolphins are identical.
A closely monitored, scientific study of a group revealed that in spite of
the fact that the dolphins are identical; a person under stress would find
differences in the two dolphins. If there are many differences found
between both dolphins, it means that the person is experiencing a great
amount of stress.
Look at the photograph and if you find more than one or two differences you
may want to take a vacation. |
|
|
| hammermdx |
A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud, "Jeesh, I wonder what happened to this parrot?"
The parrot says, "I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot"
"Holy crap," the guy replies. "You actually understood and answered me!"
"I got every word," says the parrot. "I happen to be a highly intelligent thoroughly educated bird."
"Oh yeah?" the guy asks, "Then answer this -- how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?"
"Well," the parrot says, "this is very embarrassing but since you asked, I wrap my weenie around this wooden bar like a little hook. You can't see it because of my feathers."
"Wow," says the guy. "You really can understand and speak English can't you?"
"Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic: politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy. I'm especially good at ornithology. You really ought to buy me. I'd be a great companion."
The guy looks at the $200.00 price tag. "Sorry, but I just can't afford that."
"Pssssssst," says the parrot, "I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me cause I don't have any feet. You can probably get me for $20; just make the guy an offer!"
The guy offers $20 and walks out with the parrot.
Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational. He has a great sense of humor, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he's insightful. The guy is delighted.
One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot goes, "Psssssssssssst," and motions him over with one wing. "I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife and the postman."
"What are you talking about?" asks the guy.
"When the postman delivered the mail today, your wife greeted him at the door in a sheer black nightie."
"WHAT???" the guy asks incredulously. "THEN what happened?"
"Well, then the postman came into the house and lifted up her nightie and began petting her all over," reported the parrot.
"NO!" he exclaims. "And she let him?"
"Yes. Then he continued taking off the nightie! , got down on his knees and began to kiss her all over...."
Then the frantic guy demands, "THEN WHAT HAPPENED?"
"Damned if I know. I got a hard-on and fell off my perch |
|
|
| ROTORRAY |
Two old ladies are outside their nursing home, having a drink
and a smoke, when it starts to rain. One of the old ladies pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.
Maude: What in the hell is that?
Mabel: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
Maude: Where did you get it?
Mabel: You can get them at any drugstore.
The next day, Maude hobbles herself into the local drugstore and
announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.
The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of
strangely (she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers.
"Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel."
The pharmacist fainted. |
|
|
| hammermdx |
Mrs. Cohen comes to visit her son Simon for dinner, who lives with a female roommate Rachel. During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty Simon's roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two, and this had only made her more curious.
Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Simon and his roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, Simon volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Rachel and I are just roommates."
About a week later, Rachel came to Simon saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver sugar bowl. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"
Simon replied, " Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just to be sure." So he sat down and wrote:
Dear Momma,
I'm not saying that you 'did' take the sugar bowl from my house, I'm not saying that you 'did not' take it. But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.
Love,
Simon
Several days later, Simon received a response email from his Momma that
read:
Dear Son,
I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Rachel, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with her. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed, she would have found the sugar bowl by now.
Love,
Momma
Lesson of the day - Don't Lie to Your Mother ... especially if she is Jewish! |
|
|
| ROTORRAY |
On a transatlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm.
The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one
wing is struck by lightning. One woman, in particular, loses it. Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane. "I'm too young to die," she wails.Then she yells, "Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable!
Is there anyone on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?"
For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own
peril. They all stare, eyes riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane. Then a cowboy from Wyoming stands up in the rear of the plane. He is handsome: well built, with dark hair and blue
eyes. He starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt, one button at a time. No one moves. He removes his shirt. Muscles ripple across his chest.
She gasps . . . He whispers. . .
"Iron this. Then get me a beer." |
|
|
| BaldEagle |
A woman went to a pet shop & immediately spotted a large, beautiful parrot..
There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00.
"Why so little," she asked the pet store owner. The owner looked at her and said, "Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of prostitution and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff."
The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird any way. She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something.
The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, "New house, new madam." The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought "that's really not so bad."
When her 2 teenage daughters returned from school the bird saw and said, "New house, new madam, new girls."
The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation considering how and where the parrot had been raised.
Moments later, the woman's husband Keith came home from work. The bird looked at him and said,
"Hi, Keith!" |
|
|
| Maik |
1. HER DIARY:
"Tonight I thought he was acting weird. We had
made plans to meet at a bar to have a drink. I
was shopping with my friends all day long, so I
thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit
late, but he made no comment.
Conversation wasn't flowing so I suggested that we
go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed
but he kept quiet and absent.
I asked him what was wrong; he said nothing. I
asked him if it was my
fault that he was upset. He said it had nothing
to do with me and not to
worry.
On the way home I told
him that I loved him, he
simply smiled and kept
driving. I can't explain his behavior; I don't
know why he didn't say I
love you too.
When we got home I felt as if I had lost him, as
if he wanted nothing to
do with me anymore. He just sat there and watched
TV He seemed distant and absent.
Finally, I decided to go to bed. About 10 minutes
later he came to bed,
and to my surprise he responded to my caress and
we made love, but I still felt that he was
distracted and his thoughts were somewhere else.
He fell asleep - I cried. I don't know what to do.
I'm almost sure that
his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a
disaster."
2. HIS DIARY:
"Today the Patriots lost, but at least I got laid." |
|
|
| BaldEagle |
A guy was on trial for murder and if convicted, would get the electric chair. His brother found out that a redneck was on the jury and figured he would be the one to bribe. He told the redneck that he would be paid $10,000 if he could convince the rest of the jury to reduce the charge to manslaughter.
The jury was out an entire week and returned with a verdict of manslaughter.
After the trial, the brother went to the redneck's home, told him what a great job he had done and paid him the $10,000.
The redneck replied that it wasn't easy to convince the rest of the jury to change the charge to manslaughter. They all wanted to let him go. |
|
|
| ROTORRAY |
Two blonde girls were working for the city public works department. One would dig a hole and the other would follow behind her and fill the hole in. They worked up one side of the street, then down the other, then moved on to the next street, working furiously all day without rest, one girl digging a hole, the other girl filling it in again.
An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand what they were doing. So he asked the hole digger, "I'm impressed by the effort you two are putting into your work, but I don't get it -- why do you dig a hole, only
to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?"
The hole digger wiped her brow and sighed, "Well, I suppose it probably looks odd because we're normally a three-person team. But today the girl who plants the trees called in sick". |
|
|
| hammermdx |
Number 5:
A man bumps into a Woman in a hotel lobby and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast They are both quite startled. The man turns to her and says "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me."
She replies, "If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 221."
Number 4:
A businessman boards a flight and is seated next to a gorgeous woman. He notices she is reading a manual about sexual statistics. He asks her about it and she replies, "This is a very interesting book. It says that American Indians have the longest penises and Italian men are the best in bed. By the way, my name is Jill. What's yours?"
"Tonto Tortolini, nice to meet you."
Number 3:
One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband starts rubbing his wife's arm. The wife turns over and says "I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh."
The husband, rejected, turns over. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again. "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?"
Number 2:
Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer.
His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill said he would be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.
One day a few weeks later, Bill came home. His wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong.
"What's wrong, Bill?" she asked.
"Do you remember th at I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?"
"Oh, Bill, you didn't.""Yes, I did."
"My! God, Bill, what happened?"
"I got fired"
"No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?"
"Oh..she got fired too."
Number 1:
A couple had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the wife says, "Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together."
"I know," the old man said, "We were probably sitting here naked as jaybirds fifty years ago."
"Well," Granny snickered, "Let's relive some old times." Whereupon the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.
"You know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly replied, "My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago."
"I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps. "One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal." |
|
|
| ROTORRAY |
For his birthday, little Patrick asked for a 10-speed bicycle. His father said,
"Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is $80,000 & your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can afford it."
The next day the father saw little Patrick heading out the front door with a suitcase. So he asked, "Son, where are you going?"
Little Patrick told him," I was walking past your room last night & heard you telling mom you were pulling out. Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too. And I'll be damned if I'm staying here by myself with an $80,000 mortgage & no bike!" |
|
|
| hammermdx |
The Washington Post has published the winning submissions to its yearly contest in which readers are asked to supply alternative meanings for common words.
The winners are:
1. Coffee (N.), the person upon whom one coughs.
2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.
3. Abdicate (V.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
4. Esplanade (V.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.
5. Willy-nilly (Adj.), impotent.
6. Negligent (Adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightgown.
7. Lymph (V.), to walk with a lisp.
8. Gargoyle (N.), olive-flavored mouthwash.
9. Flatulence (N.) emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.
10. Balderdash (N.), a rapidly receding hairline.
11. Testicle (N.), a humorous question on an exam.
12. Rectitude (N.), the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.
13. Pokemon (N), a Rastafarian proctologist.
14. Oyster (N.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.
15. Frisbeetarianism (N.) (back by popular demand): The belief that, when you die, your soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.
16. Circumvent (N.), an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish Men. |
|
|
| Sinecure |
An ugly woman walks into a shop with her two kids.
The shopkeeper asks "Are they twins"?
The woman says "No, he's 9 and she's 7. Why? Do you think they look alike?"
"No", he replies "I just can't believe you got laid twice"! |
|
|
| ROTORRAY |
A Scottish Jew who had worked hard all his life in Scotland decided that he would like to enjoy life a little, so he went to the exclusive St. Andrews Golf Club. He was told on applying that his application would have to be approved by the Membership Board and that he would have their decision in a couple of days.
Two days later he was told that his application was refused. He went there to find out why.
He was asked, "You're Jewish, aren't you?"
Aye" he answered, "but I'm as Scottish as you are Jock."
"Well, you understand that we wear nothing under our kilts."
"Aye, I know that."
"And being Jewish, you must be circumcised."
"Aye I am that".
"Well, the board decided that they could not stand a circumcised man parading around with us."
"Och, away with ye man," he cried. "I know I must be a
Protestant to march in the Orangeman's parade, and a Catholic to belong to the Knights of Columbus, but this is the first time I've heard that a man had to be a complete prick to be a Scotsman!" |
|
|
| xfactor |
A man receives a free ticket to the Super Bowl from his company.
Un-fortunately, when he arrives at the stadium he realizes the seat is in
the last row in the corner of the stadium. He is closer to the Goodyear
Blimp than the field.
About halfway through the first quarter he notices an empty seat 10 rows
off the field right on the 50-yard line. He decides to take a chance and
makes his way through the stadium and around the security guards to the
empty seat. As he sits down, he asks the gentleman sitting next to him,
"Excuse me, is anyone sitting here?" The man replies no.
Now, very excited to be in such a great seat for the game, he again inquires
of the man next to him, "This is incredible! "Who in their right mind would
have a seat like this at the Super Bowl and not use it?"
The man replies, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to
come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Super Bowl we
haven't been together at since we got married in 1967."
"Well, that's terribly sad. But still, couldn't you find someone to take the
seat? A relative or close friend?"
"No," the man replied, "they're all at the funeral."
:2: |
|
|
| ROTORRAY |
Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman.
The priest asked, "Is that you, little Johnny Parisi?Yes, Father it is.
And who was the woman you were with?
I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation.
Well, Johnny, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later,so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?
I cannot say.
Was it Teresa Volpe?
I'll never tell.
Was it Nina Capeli?
I'm sorry but I cannot name her.
Was it Cathy Piriano?
My lips are sealed.
Was it Rosa Di Angelo, then?
Please, Father, I cannot tell you.
The priest sighs in frustration. You're very tightlipped, Johnny Parisi and
I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone.
You cannot attend church services for 4 months. Now you go
and behave yourself.
Johnny walks back to his pew, and his friend Nino slides over
and whispers, What'd you get?
Four months vacation and five good leads. |
|
|
| ROTORRAY |
A LESSON FOR ALL EMPLOYEES WHO WORK WITH RUDE CUSTOMERS
Indeed, an award should go to the Virgin Airlines gate attendant in Sydney some months ago for being customer focused, while making her point, when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo.
A crowded Virgin flight was cancelled after Virgin's 767 had been
withdrawn from service. A single attendant was re-booking a long line of inconvenienced travellers.
Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it HAS to be NOW".
The attendant replied, "I'm sorry sir. I'll be happy to try to help
you, but I've got to help these people first, and I'm sure we'll be
able to work something out."
The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the
passengers behind him could hear, "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?"
Without hesitating, the attendant smiled and grabbed her public
address microphone: "May I have your attention please! May I have your attention please!" she began - her voice heard clearly
throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at Gate 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to Gate 14."
With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man
glared at the Virgin attendant, gritted his teeth and said, "F...k
You!"
Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll
have to get in line for that too." |
|
|
| hammermdx |
In a school just outside of Pittsburgh, a first grade teacher explained to her class that she is a Steeler's fan. She asked her students to raise their hands if they were Steeler's fans too.
Not really knowing what a Steeler's fan was, but wanting to be liked by their teacher, their hands all went up into the air. However, there was one exception. A little boy named Timmy had not gone along with the crowd. The teacher asked him why he had decided to be different .. "Because I am not a Steeler's fan" says Timmy. The teacher then asked, "What are you?" Timmy sayed "I'm a Seahawk's fan." The teacher was a little perturbed now, her face slightly red, she asked Timmy why he was a Seahawk's fan.
" Well, my mom and dad are Seahawk's fans so I'm a Seahawk's fan too." The teacher was now angry. "That's no reason" she says loudly. "What if your mom was a moron and your dad was an idiot?"
Timmy smiled and said, "Then I'd be a Steeler's fan." |
|
|
| xfactor |
A father and son went hunting together for the first time.
The father said: "Stay here and be very QUIET. I'll be across the field."
A few minutes later the father heard a blood curdling scream and ran
back to his son. "What's wrong?" the father asked. "I told you to be quiet."
The boy, bless his heart, answered;
"Look, I was quiet when the snake slithered across my feet.
I was quiet when the bear breathed down my neck.
I didn't move a muscle when the skunk climbed over my shoulder.
I closed my eyes and held my breath when the wasp stung me.
I didn't cough when I swallowed the gnat.
I didn't cuss or scratch when the poison oak started itching.
But when the two squirrels crawled up my pant legs and said,
Should we eat them here or take them with us?'
"Well, I guess I just panicked................" :2: |
|
|
| xfactor |
One morning while she was making breakfast, a man walked up to his wife, pinched her on the butt and said, "If you firmed up, we could get rid of your control top panty hose".
While this was on the edge of intolerable, she kept silent.
The next morning the man woke his wife with a pinch on each of her breasts and said, "You know, if you firmed these up, we could get rid of your bra."'
This was beyond a silent response, so she rolled over and grabbed him by his "wackie." With a death grip in place, she said, "You know, if you firmed this up, we could get rid of the gardener, the postman, the pool man, and your brother."
:2: |
|
|
|
