| Maik |
Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with those expensive double-pane energy efficient kind. This week I received a call from the contractor complaining that his work had been completed a whole year ago and I hadn't paid for them. Boy oh boy, did we go around!
Just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid.
So, I proceeded to tell him just what his fast talking sales guy had told me. . . . .that "in one year the windows would pay for themselves."
There was silence on the other end, so I just hung up, and I haven't heard back from him since. |
|
|
| hammermdx |
All too rarely, airline attendants make an effort to make the in flight "safety lecture" and announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:
1. On a Southwest flight (SW has no assigned seating, you just sit where you want) passengers were apparently having a hard time choosing, when a flight attendant announced, "People, people we're not picking out furniture here, find a seat and get in it!"
2. On a Continental Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants"
3. On landing, the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all of your belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have.
4. "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane"
5. "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."
6. As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Ronald Reagan, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big ! fella W HOA!"
7. After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."
8. >From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight 245 to Tampa. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised."
9. "In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child, pick your favorite."
10. "Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."
11. "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments."
12. "As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."
13. And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Delta Airlines is pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"
14. Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake Citythe flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump, and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault, it was the asphalt."
15. Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"
16. Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."
17. An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the Passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying our airline." He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?" "Why, no, Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land, or were we shot down?"
18. After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."
19. Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of USAirways."
20. Heard on a Southwest Airline flight. "Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing and if you can light 'em, you can smoke 'em."
21. A plane was taking off from KennedyAirport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New Yorkto Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax... OH, MY GOD!" Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!" A passenger in Coach yelled, "That's nothing. You should see the back of mine." |
|
|
| ROTORRAY |
This is a detective story
So Pay Close Attention!!!
Three elderly ladies are excited
about seeing their first baseball game.
They smuggle a bottle of Jack Daniels
into the ball park.
The game is real exciting and they are
enjoying themselves immensely...
mixing the Jack Daniel's with soft drinks.
Soon they realize that the bottle is almost gone
and the game has a lot of innings to go.
Based on the given information,
what inning is it? ...
how many players are on base?
Think!
Think some more!!
You're gonna love it.
Answer:
It's the bottom of the fifth
and the bags are loaded |
|
|
| xfactor |
Larry tells his wife,
"I got a new tattoo."
"Another tattoo?" she frowned. "What kind of tattoo did you get?"
"I got a hundred dollar bill on my privates," he said proudly.
"What the hell were you thinking?" she said, shaking her head in
disdain.
Why on earth would an accountant get a hundred dollar bill
tattooed on his privates?"
"Well, one, I like to watch my money grow.
Two, once in a while I like to play with my money.
Three, I like how money feels in my hand.
And, lastly, instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right
here at home and blow a hundred bucks anytime you want."
Larry is recovering nicely at the hospital.
:D |
|
|
| BaldEagle |
Due to the climate of political correctness now pervading America, Kentuckians, Tennesseans and West Virginians will no longer be referred to as "HILLBILLIES."
You must now refer to them as APPALACHIAN-AMERICANS.
And furthermore ..
HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
1. She is not a "BABE" or a "CHICK" - She is a "BREASTED AMERICAN."
2. She is not a "SCREAMER" or a "MOANER" - She is "VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE."
3. She is not "EASY" - She is "HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE."
4. She is not a "DUMB BLONDE" - She is a "LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY."
5. She has not "BEEN AROUND" - She is a "PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION."
6. She is not an "AIRHEAD" - She is "REALITY IMPAIRED."
7. She does not get "DRUNK" or "TIPSY" - She gets "CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED"
8. She does not have "BREAST IMPLANTS" - She is "MEDICALLY ENHANCED."
9. She does not "NAG" you - She becomes "VERBALLY REPETITIVE."
10. She is not a "TRAMP" - She is "SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED."
11. She does not have "MAJOR LEAGUE HOOTERS" - She is "PECTORALLY SUPERIOR."
12. She is not a "TWO-BIT HOOKER" - She is a "LOW COST PROVIDER."
HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
1. He does not have a "BEER GUT" - He has developed a "LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY."
2. He is not a "BAD DANCER" - He is "OVERLY CAUCASIAN."
3. He does not "GET LOST ALL THE TIME" - He "INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS."
4. He is not "BALDING" - He is in "FOLLICLE REGRESSION."
5. He is not a "CRADLE ROBBER" - He prefers "GENERATIONAL DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS."
6. He does not get "FALLING-DOWN DRUNK" - He becomes "ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL."
7. He does not act like a "TOTAL ASS" - He develops a case of RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION."
8. He is not a "MALE CHAUVINIST PIG" - He has "SWINE EMPATHY."
9. He is not afraid of "COMMITMENT" - He is "RELATIONSHIP CHALLENGED."
10. He is not "HORNY" - He is "SEXUALLY FOCUSED."
11. It's not his "CRACK" you see hanging out of his pants - It's "REAR CLEAVAGE |
|
|
| ROTORRAY |
A recent study conducted by UCLA's Department of Psychiatry has
>revealed that the kind of face a woman finds attractive on a man
>can differ depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle.
>
>
>For example: If she is ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features. If she is menstruating or menopausal, she tends to be more attracted to a man with scissors lodged in his temple and duct tape over
his mouth while he is on fire. |
|
|
| xfactor |
Tiger Woods drove his new Ford Excursion into an Irish gas station.
An attendant greeted him in typical Irish manner, unaware who the golf pro
was.
"Top of the mornin' to ya!" the Irishman smiled doffing his cap.
As Tiger got out of the mammoth vehicle, two tees fell out of his pocket.
"So what are those, lad?" asked the attendant.
"They're called tees," replied Tiger.
"And what would ya be usin' em for, now?" inquired the Irishman.
"Well, they're for resting my balls on when I drive," said Tiger.
"AW! Jaysus, Mary an' Joseph," exclaimed the Irishman, "Those fellas at
FORD think of everything.
:2: |
|
|
| ROTORRAY |
Catholic Blonde......
On their honeymoon, the blonde bride slipped into a sexy nightie and, with great anticipation, crawled into bed, only to find that her new Catholic husband had settled down on the couch.
When she asked him why he was apparently not going to make love to her, he replied, "It's Lent."
In tears, she remarked, "Well, that is the most ridiculous thing I
have ever heard! Who did you lend it to, and for how long?" |
|
|
| hammermdx |
Hung Chow calls into work and says, "Hey, I no come work today. I really sick. Got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt. I no come work."
Hung Chow's boss says, "You know something, Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel like this, I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes everything better and I go to work. You try that."
Two hours later, Hung Chow calls again, "I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon ... You got nice house." |
|
|
| ROTORRAY |
A drunk was proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his
friends late one night. He led the way to his bedroom where there was
a big brass gong and a mallet.
"What's that big brass gong?" one of the guests asked.
"It's not a gong. It's a talking clock," the drunk replied.
"A talking clock? Seriously?" asked his astonished friend.
"Yup," replied the drunk.
"How's it work?" the friend asked, squinting at it.
"Watch," the drunk replied. He picked up the mallet, gave the gong
an ear-shattering pound, and stepped back. The three stood looking at
one another for a moment.
Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed,
" Hey you asshole..it's three-fifteen in the morning!" |
|
|
| evoge |
A guy with a black eye boards his plane bound for Pittsburgh and sits down in his seat. He notices immediately that the guy next to him has a black eye, too. He says to him, "Hey, this is a coincidence. We both have black eyes; mind if I ask how you got yours?"
The other guy says, "Well, it just happened. It was a tongue twister accident. See, I was at the ticket counter and this gorgeous blonde with massive breasts was there. So, instead of saying, 'I'd like two tickets to Pittsburgh', I accidentally said 'I'd like two pickets to Tittsburgh', so she socked me a good one."
The first guy replied, "Wow! This is unbelievable. Mine was a tongue
twister, too. I was at the breakfast table and I wanted to say to my wife, 'Please pour me a bowl of Frosties, honey'. But I accidentally said, 'You've ruined my life, you evil, self-centered, fat-assed b*tch!" |
|
|
| Steameng8 |
The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert. After they got their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep. Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says, "Kemo Sabe, look towards sky, what you see?" The Lone Ranger replies, "I see millions of stars." "What that tell you?" asked Tonto.
The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, "Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning.
Theologically, the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What's it tell you, Tonto?"
"You dumber than buffalo ****. Someone stole the tent." |
|
|
| ROTORRAY |
A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa, taking her faithful aged poodle named Cuddles, along for the company.
One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, Cuddles discovers that she's lost. Wandering about, she notices a leopard heading rapidly in her direction with the intention of having lunch.
The old poodle thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep **** now!" Noticing
some bones on the ground close by, she immediately settles down to chew on the bones with her back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap, the old poodle exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?"
Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew!", says the leopard, "That was close! That old poodle nearly had me!"
Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the old poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard
The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!"
Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?", but instead of running, the dog sits down with her back to her attackers, pretending she hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle says:
"Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!"
Moral of this story..
Don't mess with old farts...age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill! Bull**** and brilliance only come with age and experience! |
|
|
| Echo2625 |
The Pentagon announced today the formation of a new 500-man elite fighting unit called the United States Redneck Special Forces. These Alabama, Arkansas, Georgia, Kentucky, Mississippi, Missouri, Oklahoma, Tennessee and Texas boys will be dropped off into Iraq, and have been given only the following facts about terrorists:
1. The season opened today.
2. There is no limit.
3. They taste just like chicken.
4. They don't like beer, pickup trucks, country music, or Jesus.
5. They are DIRECTLY RESPONSIBLE for the death of Dale Earnhardt.
We expect the problem in Iraq to be over by Friday. |
|
|
| ROTORRAY |
This is so funny that it will boggle your mind, and you will keep trying it
at least 50 more times to see if you can outsmart your foot. But you
can't!!!
1.) While sitting at your desk, lift your right foot off the floor and make
clockwise circles with it.
2.) Now, while doing this, draw the number "6" in the air with your
right
hand. Your foot will change direction!!!
I told you so... And there is nothing you can do about it. |
|
|
| ROTORRAY |
A man in a Florida supermarket tries to buy half a head of lettuce.
The very young produce assistant tells him that they sell only whole heads of lettuce. The man persists and asks to see the manager. The boy says he'll ask his manager about it. Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager, "Some ass-hole wants to buy half a head of lettuce."
As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, "... and this gentleman has kindly offered to buy the other half."
The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way.
Later the manager said to the boy, "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who can think on their feet here. Where are you from, son?"
"Canada, sir," the boy replied.
"Well, why did you leave Canada?" the manager asked.
The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing up there but whores and hockey players."
"Really?" exclaimed the manager. "My wife is from Canada!"
"No ****?" replied the boy. "Who'd she play for?" |
|
|
| xfactor |
HOW TO KEEP A FLAT TUMMY
A little boy walks into his parents room to see his
mom on top of his dad bouncing up and down.
The mom quickly dismounts, worried about what her son
has seen, dresses quickly and goes to find him. The
son sees his mom and asks, "What were you and dad
doing?"
The mother replies, "Well, your dad has a big tummy
and sometimes I have to get on top of it to help
flatten it."
"You're wasting your time." says the boy.
"Why is that?" asked his mom, puzzled?
"Well when you go shopping the lady next door comes
over and gets on her knees and blows it right back
up!"
:2: |
|
|
| xfactor |
Sum*****
A filthy rich North Carolina man decided that he wanted to throw a party
and invited all of his buddies and neighbors. He also invited Leroy, the
only redneck in the neighborhood.
He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion. Leroy
was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating shrimp, oysters and BBQ
and flirting with all the women.
At the height of the party, the host said, "I have a 10ft man-eating
gator in my pool and I'll give a million dollars to anyone who has the
nerve to jump in."
The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash and
everyone turned around and saw Leroy in the pool!
Leroy was fighting the gator and kicking its ass! Leroy was jabbing the
gator in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, head butts and choke
holds, biting the gator on the tail and flipping the gator through the air like
some kind of Judo Instructor.
The water was churning and splashing everywhere. Both Leroy and the gator
were screaming and raising hell. Finally Leroy strangled the gator and let
it float to the top like a dime store goldfish. Leroy then slowly climbed out
of the pool. Everybody was just staring at him in disbelief.
Finally the host says, "Well, Leroy, I reckon I owe you a million dollars."
"No, that's okay. I don't want it," said Leroy.
The rich man said, "Man, I have to give you something. You won the bet.
How about half a million bucks then?"
"No thanks. I don't want it," answered Leroy.
The host said, "Come on, I insist on giving you something. That was
amazing. How about a new Porsche and a Rolex and some stock options?"
Again Leroy said no.
Confused, the rich man asked, "Well, Leroy, then what do you want?"
Leroy said, "I want the name of the sum***** who pushed me in the pool!"
:2: |
|
|
| hammermdx |
George Bush is visiting the Queen of England.
He asks her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give me?"
"Well," says the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people."
Bush frowns, "But how do I know the people around me are really intelligent?"
The Queen takes a sip of tea. "Oh, that's easy. You just ask them to answer an intelligence riddle."
The Queen pushes a button on her intercom. "Please send The Prime Minister in.
Tony Blair walks into the room. "Your Majesty...."
The Queen smiles. "Answer this, please, Tony. Your mother and father have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your sister. Who is it?"
Without pausing for a moment, Blair answers, "That would be me!"
"Yes! Very good!" says the Queen.
Back at the White House, Bush calls in his vice president, Dick Cheney. "Dick, answer this for me Your mother and your father have a child. It's not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?"
"I'm not sure," says the vice president. "Let me get back to you on that one."
Dick Cheney goes to his advisers and asks every one, but none can give him an answer.
Finally, he ends up in the men's room and recognizes Colin Powell's shoes in the next stall
Dick shouts, "Colin! Can you answer this for me? Your mother and father have a child and it's not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"
Colin Powell yells back, "That's easy. It's me!"
Dick Cheney smiles. "Thanks!"
Cheney goes back to the Oval Office and asks to speak with Bush. "Say, I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle. It's Colin Powell."
Bush gets up, stomps over to Dick Cheney, and angrily yells into his face, "No, you idiot! It's Tony Blair!" |
|
|
| ROTORRAY |
The check is in the mail.
I'll respect you in the morning.
I'm from your government, and I am here to help you.
It's only a cold sore.
You get this one, I'll pay next time.
My wife doesn't understand me.
Trust me, I'll take care of everything.
Of course I love you.
I am getting a divorce.
Drinking? Why, no, Officer.
I never inhaled.
It's not the money, it's the principle of the thing.
I never watch television except for PBS.
...but we can still be good friends.
She means nothing to me.
Don't worry, I can go another 20 miles when the gauge is on "empty."
I gave at the office.
Don't worry, he's never bitten anyone.
I'll call you later.
We'll release the upgrade by the end of the year.
Read my lips: no new taxes.
I've never done anything like this before.
Now, I'm going to tell you the truth.
It's supposed to make that noise.
I *love* your new _____!
...then take a left. You can't miss it.
Yes, I did.
Don't worry, it's OK - I'm sterile. |
|
|
| hammermdx |
People often ask for an explanation of "Marketing." So, here it is:
You're a lady and you see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and
say, "I'm fantastic in bed."
That's Direct Marketing.
You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a handsome guy. One of
your friends goes up to him and, pointing at you, says, "She's fantastic
in bed."
That's Advertising.
You see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and get his telephone
number. The next day you call him and say, "Hi, I'm fantastic in bed."
That's Telemarketing.
You see a guy at a party, you straighten your dress. You walk up to him
and pour him a drink. You say, "May I," and reach up to straighten his
tie, brushing your breast lightly against his arm, and then say, "By the
way, I'm fantastic in bed."
That's Public Relations.
You're at a party and see a handsome guy. He walks up to you and says, "I
hear you're fantastic in bed."
That's Brand Recognition.
You're at a party and see a handsome guy. He fancies you, but you talk him
into going home with your friend.
That's a Sales Rep.
Your friend can't satisfy him so she calls you.
That's Tech Support.
You're on your way to a party when you realize that there could be
handsome men in all these houses you're passing. So you climb onto the
roof of one situated near the center of the block and shout at the top of
your lungs, "I'm fantastic in bed!"
That's Junk Mail.
You are at a party when a well built man walks up to you and gropes your
breast and grabs your ass.
That's the Governor of California.
You like it, but twenty years later your attorney decides you were
offended and he files a lawsuit on your behalf.
That's America. |
|
|
| mdxx3 |
> YOU CANNOT LIVE WITHOUT KNOWING .......................
>
> OK, FRIENDS, HERE IT IS..THE EVENT WE'VE ALL BEEN WAITING FOR. THE
> IMPLICATIONS ARE NOTHING SHORT OF STAGGERING!!!!!
>
> ON Wednesday, AT TWO MINUTES AND THREE SECONDS AFTER 1:00 IN THE MORNING
> THE
> TIME AND DATE WILL BE-----------01:02:03 04/05/06!!!!!!!!!
>
>
> THAT WILL NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN! OKAY YOU MAY NOW RETURN TO YOUR
> (NORMAL?) LIFE. |
|
|
| keremoner |
Wohaa partner. That happens every 100 years for your information.
quote:
Originally posted by mdxx3
> YOU CANNOT LIVE WITHOUT KNOWING .......................
>
> OK, FRIENDS, HERE IT IS..THE EVENT WE'VE ALL BEEN WAITING FOR. THE
> IMPLICATIONS ARE NOTHING SHORT OF STAGGERING!!!!!
>
> ON Wednesday, AT TWO MINUTES AND THREE SECONDS AFTER 1:00 IN THE MORNING
> THE
> TIME AND DATE WILL BE-----------01:02:03 04/05/06!!!!!!!!!
>
>
> THAT WILL NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN! OKAY YOU MAY NOW RETURN TO YOUR
> (NORMAL?) LIFE.
:p |
|
|
| mdxx3 |
I can't believe I get this kinda email :1pat: :banghead: I will have to buy an RX350 right after this :toothless
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
>>
>>>
>>>
>>>How many of these did YOU know about?
A sealed envelope - Put in the freezer for a few hours, then slide a
knife under the flap. The envelope can then be resealed.
(hmmmmmm...)
============================================
Use Empty toilet paper roll to store appliance cords. It keeps them
neat and you can write on the roll what appliance it belongs to.
==================================
For icy door steps in freezing temperatures: get warm water and put
Dawn dish washing liquid in it. Pour it all over the steps. They won't
refreeze. (wish I had known this for the last 40 years!)
==================================
To remove old wax from a glass candle holder, put it in the freezer for
a few hours. Then take the candle holder out and turn it upside down. The
wax will fall out.
==================================
Crayon marks on walls? This worked wonderfully! A damp rag, dipped
in baking soda. Comes off with little effort (elbow grease that is!).
=================================
Permanent marker on appliances/counter tops (like store re ceipt
BLUE!) rubbing alcohol on paper towel.
================================
Whenever I purchase a box of S.O.S Pads, I immediately take a pair of
scissors and cut each pad into halves. After years of having to throw
away rusted and unused and smelly pads, I finally decided that this would
be much more economical. Now a box of S.O.S pads last me indefinitely!
In fact, I have noticed that the scissors get 'sharpened'' this way!
================================
Blood stains on clothes? Not to worry! Just pour a little hydrogen
peroxide on a cloth and proceed to wipe off every drop of blood. Works
every time! (Now, where to put the body?) LOL
=================================
Use vertical strokes when washing windows outside and horizontal
for inside windows. This way you can tell which side has the streaks.
Straight vinegar will get outside windows really clean. Don't wash windows
on a sunny day. They will dry too quickly and will probably streak.
=================================
Spray a bit of perfume on the light bulb in any room to create a lovely
light scent in each room when the light is turned on.
=================================
Place fabric softener sheets in dresser drawers and your clothes will
smell freshly washed for weeks to come. You can also do this with towels
and linen.
=================================
Candles will last a lot longer if placed in the freezer for at least 3
;hours prior to burning.
=================================
To clean artificial flowers, pour some salt into a paper bag and add the
flowers. Shake vigorously as the salt will absorb all the dust and dirt
and leave your artificial flowers looking like new! Works like a charm!
=================================
To easily remove burnt on food from your skillet, simply add a drop or
two of dish soap and enough water to cover bottom of pan, and bring to
a boil on stove top.
=================================
Spray your TUPPERWARE with nonstick cooking spray before pouring
in tomato based sauces and there won't be any stains.
=================================
Wrap celery in aluminum foil when putting in the refrigerator and it will
keep for weeks.
=================================
When boiling corn on the cob, add a pinch of sugar to help bring out the
corn's natural sweetness
=================================
Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half, and rub it on your
forehead. The throbbing will go away.
=================================
Don't throw out all that leftover wine: Freeze into ice cube s for future
use in casseroles and sauces ......... Left over wine? What's that? :)
=================================
To get rid of itch from mosquito bites, try applying soap on the area
and you will experience instant relief.
=================================
Ants, ants, ants everywhere ... Well, they are said to never cross a chalk
line. So, get your chalk out and draw a line on the floor or wherever ants
tend to march. See for yourself.
=================================
Use air-freshener to clean mirrors. It does a good job and better still,
leaves a lovely smell to the shine.
================================
When you get a splinter, reach for the scotch tape before resorting to
tweezers or a needle. Simply put the scotch tape over the splinter, and
then pull it off. Scotch tape removes most splinters painlessly and easily.
================================
Now look what you can do with Alka Seltzer........
Clean a toilet.
Drop in two Alka Seltzer tablets, wait twenty minutes, brush and flush.
The citric acid and effervescent action clean vitreous China.
================================
Clean a vase.
To remove a stain from the bottom of a glass vase or cruet, fill with water
and drop in two Alka Seltzer tablets.
================================
Polish jewelry.
Drop two Alka Seltzer tablets into a glass of water and immerse the
jewelry for two minutes.
================================
Clean a thermos bottle.
Fill the bottle with water, drop in four Alka Seltzer tablets, and let soak
for an hour (or longer, if necessary).
================================
Unclog a drain.
Clear the sink drain by dropping three Alka Seltzer tablets down the
drain followed by a cup of Heinz White Vinegar. Wait a few minutes,
and then run the hot water.
================================
Do your friends a favor. Pass this timely (and some not-so-timely)
information on to a friend! I just did.
Makes you wonder about ingesting Alka Seltzer, doesn't it? |
|
|
| Sinecure |
My apologies if this is a repost.
A train hits a bus load of Catholic school girls and they all They are
> all in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates past St. Peter.
>
> St. Peter asks the first girl, "Jessica, have you ever had any contact
> with a penis?"
> She giggles and shyly replies, "Well I once touched the head of one
> with the tip of my finger."
>
> St. Peter says, "OK, dip the tip of your finger in The Holy Water and
> pass through the gate."
>
> St.Peter asks the next girl the same
> question,"Jennifer have you ever had any contact with a penis?"
> The girl is a little reluctant but replies, "Well once I fondled and
> stroked one."
>
> St. Peter says, "OK, dip your whole
> hand in The Holy Water and pass through the gate."
>
>
> All of a sudden there is a lot of commotion in the line of girls; one
> girl is pushing her way to the front of the line.
> When she reaches the front of the line St. Peter says, "Lisa! What
> seems to be the rush?"
>
> The girl replies, "If I'm going to have to gargle that Holy Water, I
> want to do it before Tiffany sticks her ass in it." |
|
|
| ROTORRAY |
Some of the artists of the '60's are revising their hits with new lyrics to accommodate aging baby boomers.
They include:
Herman's Hermits - Mrs. Brown, You've Got a Lovely Walker
The Bee Gees - How Can You Mend a Broken Hip
Bobby Darin - Splish, Splash, I Was Havin' a Flash
Ringo Starr - I Get By With a Little Help from Depends
Roberta Flack - The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face
Johnny Nash - I Can't See Clearly Now
Paul Simon - Fifty Ways to Lose Your Liver
Commodores - Once, Twice, Three Times to the Bathroom
Marvin Gaye - I Heard it Through the GrapeNuts
Procol Harem - A Whiter Shade of Hair
Leo Sayer - You Make Me Feel Like Napping
The Temptations - Papa's Got a Kidney Stone
Abba - Denture Queen
Tony Orlando - Knock 3 Times on the Ceiling if you hear me fall
Helen Reddy - I am Woman, Hear me Snore
Willie Nelson - On the Throne Again
Leslie Gore - It's My Procedure and I'll Cry if I Want To |
|
|
| mdxx3 |
> SENIOR ENTERTAINMENT
> It was entertainment night at the senior center and the Amazing
> Claude was topping the bill. People came from miles around to see
> the famed hypnotist do his stuff. As Claude went to the front of the
> meeting room, he announced, "Unlike most hypnotists who invite two
> or three people up here to be put into a trance, I intend to hypnotize
> each and every member of the audience."
>
> The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful
> antique pocket watch from his coat. "I want you each to keep your
> eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my
> family for six generations.
>
> He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly
> chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch..."
> The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth,
> light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes
> followed the swaying watch, until, suddenly, it slipped from the
> hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.
>
> "S h i t !" said the Hypnotist...
>
> It took three weeks to clean up the senior center.
> |
|
|
| xfactor |
A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game.
The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.
The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun. He explains, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vise versa."
Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep.
The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5.00, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00."
This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game.
The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?"
The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill and hands it to the lawyer.
"Okay," says the lawyer, "your turn."
She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?"
The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references, no answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the net and the library of congress, no answer. Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and coworker, to no avail. After an hour, he wakes the blonde, and hands her $500.
The blonde says, "Thank you", and turns back to get some more sleep.
The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, what does goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?"
Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.
:cool: |
|
|
| xfactor |
Loyalty in Marriage
A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day.
One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears..."You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times.
When I got fired, you were there to support me.
When my business failed, you were there.
When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here.
When my health started failing, you were still by my side...You know what?"
"What dear?" she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.
"I think you're bad luck, get the fack away from me."
:2: |
|
|
| EXCALIBUR |
A fellow was invited to the home of some old friends for dinner. His buddy preceded every request to his wife by endearing terms, calling her Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc.
The guest was impressed since the couple had been married almost 70 years, and while the wife was off in the kitchen he said to his friend, "I think it's wonderful that after all the years you've been married, you still call your wife those lovely names."
The old guy hung his head. "To tell you the truth, I forgot her name about ten years ago.":8: |
|
|
| ROTORRAY |
THINK ABOUT THIS THE NEXT TIME YOU ORDER A DRINK
Bartenders Psychology:
Before you order a drink in public, you should read this! Seven New York City bartenders were asked if they could nail a woman's personality based on what she drinks. Though interviewed separately, they concurred on almost all counts. The results:
Drink: Beer
Personality: Casual, low-maintenance; down to earth.
Your Approach: Challenge her to a game of pool.
Drink: Blender Drinks
Personality: Flaky, whiny, annoying; a pain in the ass.
Your Approach: Avoid her, unless you want to be her cabana boy.
Drink: Mixed Drinks
Personality: Older, more refined, high maintenance, has very picky taste; knows EXACTLY what she wants.
Your Approach: You won't have to approach her. If she's interested, she'll send YOU a drink..................
Drink: Wine (does not include White Zinfandel)
Personality: Conservative and classy; sophisticated yet giggles.
Your Approach: Tell her you love to travel and spend quiet evenings with friends.
Drink: White Zinfandel
Personality: Easy; thinks she is classy and sophisticated, actually, she has NO clue.
Your Approach: Make her feel smarter than she is...this should be an easy target.
Drink :Stright Shots
Personality: Likes to hang with frat-boy pals and looking to get totally drunk... and naked.
Your Approach:Easiest hit in the joint. You have been blessed. Nothing to do but wait, however, be careful not to make her mad!
Drink: Tequila
No explanations required - everyone just KNOWS what happens there.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
THEN, there is the MALE addendum ----
The deal with guys is, as always, very simple and clear cut:
Domestic Beer: He's poor and wants to get laid.
Imported Beer: He likes good beer and wants to get laid.
Wine: He is hoping that the wine will give him a sophisticated image to help him get laid.
Whiskey: He doesn't give a damn about anything but getting laid.
Tequila: He is thinking he might have a chance with the toothless waitress.
White Zinfandel: He's gay |
|
|
| EXCALIBUR |
I recall my first time with a condom, I was 18 or so. I went in to buy a package of condoms. There was a beautiful woman behind the counter, and she could see that I was new at it. She handed me the package and asked, if I knew how to wear one. I honestly answered, "No."
So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped over her thumb. She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure. I apparently still looked confused. So she looked all around the store. It was empty. She said, "Just a minute," and walked to the door, and locked it. Taking my hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside. She asked, "Do these excite you?"
Well, I was so dumbstruck that all I could do was nod my head. She then said, it was time to slip the condom on. As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and laid down on a desk.
"Well, come on," she said, "we don't have much time." So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful that unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and pow, I was done within a few minutes. She looked at me with a frown. "Did you put that condom on?"
I said, "I sure did," and held up my thumb to show her.:29: |
|
|
| EXCALIBUR |
A man and his wife were driving home one very cold night when the wife asks her husband to stop the car. There was a baby skunk lying at the side of the road, and she got out to see if it was still alive.
It was, and she said to her husband, "It's nearly frozen to death. Can we take it with us, get it warm, and let it go in the morning?"
He says, "O.K.,Get in the car with it."
"Where shall I put it to get it warm?"
He says, "Put it in between your legs. It's nice and warm there.
"But what about the smell?"
"Just hold its nose."
The man is expected to recover, but the skunk she used to beat him with died at the scene.:( |
|
|
| mdxx3 |
One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very sex nightie. "Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want."
So he tied her up and went golfing.
***********************************************
A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, "Honey, pack your bags. I won the darn lottery!"
The husband said, "Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?"
"Doesn't matter," she said. "Just get out."
***********************************************
Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is a husband.
***********************************************
A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license. First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test.
The optician showed him a card with the letters: 'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.' "Can you read this?" the optician asked.
"Read it?" the Polish guy replied, "I know the guy."
************************************************
Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, "I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent."
"Thank God," said an elderly nun at the back. "I'm so tired of chardonnay."
************************************************
A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. "Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more! butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful ... CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"
The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"
The husband calmly replied, "I wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."
************************************************** |
|
|
| hammermdx |
A city boy, Kenny, moved to the country and bought a donkey from an old farmer for $100.00. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day.
The next day the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the donkey died."
Kenny replied, "Well then, just give me my money back."
The farmer said, "Can't do that. I went and spent it already."
Kenny said, "OK then, just unload the donkey."
The farmer asked, "What ya gonna do with him?"
Kenny, "I'm going to raffle him off."
Farmer, " You can't raffle off a dead donkey!"
Kenny, "Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he is dead."
A month later the farmer met up with Kenny and asked, "What happened with that dead donkey?"
Kenny, "I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars a piece and made a profit of $898.00."
Farmer, "Didn't anyone complain?"
Kenny, " Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back."
Kenny grew up and eventually became the chairman of Enron. |
|
|
| EXCALIBUR |
This married couple were sitting in a fine restaurant when the wife looks over at a nearby table and sees a man in a drunken stupor.
The husband asks "I notice you've been watching that man for some time now. Do you know him?"
"Yes" she replies, "He's my ex-husband, and has been drinking like that since I left him seven years ago."
"That's remarkable" the husband replies, "I wouldn't think anybody could celebrate that long.":7: |
|
|
| ByeByeChrysler |
We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know
the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the
definition for each is listed below:
GUTS - is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being
assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: "Are you
still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"
BALLS - is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of
perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the ass
and saying, "You're next."
I hope this clears up any confusion on the subject. |
|
|
| Sinecure |
A priest, a Pentecostal preacher and a Rabbi all served as chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University in Marquette. They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop. One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear. One thing led to another and they decided to do an experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it. Seven days later, they're all together to discuss their experiences .
Father Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on crutches, and has various bandages, goes first. "Well," he says, "I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle a lamb. The bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation."
Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, with an arm and both legs in casts, and an IV drip. In his best fire and brimstone oratory he claimed, "WELL brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quick DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the week in Fellowship, feasting on God's Holy Word, and praising Jesus."
They both looked down at the rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IV's and monitors running in and out of him. He was in bad shape. The rabbi looks up and says, "Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start |
|
|
| Orgen1 |
Wedding Anniversary
A husband was in big trouble when he forgot his wedding anniversary.His wife told him, "Tomorrow there better be something in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 2 seconds flat".
Next morning the wife found a small package in the driveway. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Funeral arrangements for the husband have been set for Saturday at 1:00 P.M. |
|
|
| MDteX |
A father walks into a bookstore with his young son. The boy is holding a quarter. Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face the father realizes the boy has swallowed the quarter and starts panicking, shouting for help.
A well dressed, attractive and serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the book store.
Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants; takes hold of the boy's testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the quarter, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.
Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the coin to the father and walks back to her seat in the coffee bar without saying a word.
As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?"
"No," the woman replied. "Divorce attorney". |
|
|
| EXCALIBUR |
A man, his wife, and his mother-in-law went on vacation to the Holy Land.
While they were there, the mother-in-law passed away.
The undertaker told them, "You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here in the Holy Land for $150.00."
The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home.
The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your mother-in-law home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and spend only $150.00?"
The man replied, "A man died here 2000 years ago, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance.":13: |
|
|
| mdxx3 |
A guy is 81 years old and loves to fish. He was sitting in his boat the other day when he heard a voice say, "Pick me up."
He looked around and couldn't see any one. He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say again, "Pick me up." He looked in theWater and there, floating on the top, was a frog.
The man said, "Are you talking to me?"
The frog said, "Yes, I'm talking to you. Pick me up. Then, kiss me and I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen. I'll then give you more happiness than you ever could have dreamed of."
The man looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it up carefully, and placed it in his front breast pocket.
Then the frog said, "What, are you nuts? Didn't you hear what I said? I said kiss me and I will give you happiness like you have never had."
He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said, "Nah, at my age I'd rather have a talking frog." |
|
|
| EXCALIBUR |
A guy comes down for breakfast one morning and sees his wife at the stove with the frying pan on, and one of his socks in it.
Husband: What the **** are you doing?!!
Wife: I'm only doing what you begged me to do all last night!!
Husband: I wasn't asking you to COOK MY SOCK !!!:bonk: |
|
|
| Sinecure |
25 SIGNS THAT YOU HAVE GROWN UP
1. Your houseplants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them.
2. Having sex in a single bed is out of the question.
3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
4. 6:00 AM is when youget up, not when you go to bed.
5. You hear your favorite song in an elevator.
6. You watch the Weather Channel.
7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of "hook up" and "breakup."
8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.
9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up."
10. You're the one calling the police because those %&*$@# kids next door won't turn down the stereo.
11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.
12. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.
13. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.
14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald's leftovers.
15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.
16. You take naps from noon to 6 PM!
17. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one.
18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 AM would severely upset, rather than settle, your stomach.
19. If you're a gal, you go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid not condoms and pregnancy tests.
20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty goodstuff."
21. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.
22. "I just can't drink the way I used to" replaces "I'm never going to drink that much again."
23. 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for realwork.
24. You drink at home to save money before going to a bar.
25. You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that doesn't apply to you and can't find one to save your sorry old butt. Then you forward it to a bunch of old pals & friends 'cause you know they'll
enjoy it & do the same. |
|
|
| archimedes1 |
Lisa is having an affair with her husband Bob's best friend, Doug. One afternoon they are at her house, heavily into their lovemaking, when the phone rings.
Lisa takes a minute to compose herself and answers. Doug realizes immediately that Bob is on the other end of the line. Assuming Bob is on his way home, he flies out of bed and starts searching for his clothes frantically.
Before long, Lisa hangs up the phone. She turns to Doug and says, very calmly, "You don't have to leave. Bob was calling to let me know that he's going out with you after work to shoot some pool."
:D |
|
|
| hammermdx |
From a strictly mathematical viewpoint it goes like this:
What Makes 100%?
What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?
Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%.
How about achieving 103%?
What makes up 100% in life?
Here’s a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these
Questions:
If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.
Then:
H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%
And
K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%
But,
A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%
B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103 %
AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.
A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%
So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that While Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it's the Bull**** and Ass kissing that will put you over the top! |
|
|
| ROTORRAY |
My Private Part Died Today!
An old man, Mr. Goldstein, was living the last of his life in a nursing home.
One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed. Nurse Tracy asked if there was anything wrong.
"Yes, Nurse Tracy," said Mr. Goldstein, "My Private Part died
today, and I am very sad."
Knowing her patients were forgetful and sometimes a little crazy, she replied, "Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr. Goldstein, please accept my condolences.
The following day, Mr. Goldstein was walking down the hall with his Private Part hanging out his pajamas, when he met Nurse Tracy.
"Mr. Goldstein," she said, "You shouldn't be walking down the
hall like that. Please put your Private Part back inside your pajamas."
But, Nurse Tracy," replied Mr. Goldstein, " I told you yesterday that my Private Part died."
"Yes, you did tell me that, but why is it hanging out of your
pajamas?"
"Well, he replied, "Today's the viewing." |
|
|
| MDteX |
I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing "fairly well" for my age.
A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, "Do you think I'll live to be 80?"
| | | |
