| ROTORRAY |
Billy Bob and Luther were talking one afternoon when Billy Bob tells Luther,
"Ya know, I reckon I'm 'bout ready for a vacation. Only this year I'm gonna do it a little different. The last few years, I took your advice about where to go. "
"Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii and Earlene got pregnant. "
"Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas,and Earlene got pregnant again. "
"Last year you suggested Tahiti and darned if Earlene didn't get pregnant again."
Luther asks Billy Bob, "So, what you gonna do this year that's different?"
Billy Bob says, "This year I'm taking Earlene with me." |
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| ROTORRAY |
After their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was
enough as they could not afford a larger bed.
So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that
he and his cousin didn't want to have any more children.
The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a
vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive. "A less costly alternative," said the doctor, "is to go home, get a cherry bomb, (fireworks are legal in Alabama) light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to your ear and count to 10"
The Alabamian said to the veterinarian, "I may not be
the smartest tool in the shed but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me."
"Trust me," said the veterinarian.
So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a
beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count...
"1"
"2"
"3"
"4"
"5"
(you'll love this......)
At which point he paused, placed the beer can between his
legs and resumed counting on his other hand.
This procedure also works in Oklahoma and Tennessee. |
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| ROTORRAY |
After a long illness, a woman died and arrived at the Gates of Heaven.
While she was waiting for Saint Peter to greet her, she peeked through the Gates. She saw a beautiful banquet table.
Sitting all around were her parents and all the other people she had loved and who had died before her. They saw her and began calling greetings to her: "Hello. How are you? We've been waiting for you. Good to see you."
When Saint Peter came by, the woman said to him, "This is such a wonderful place. How do I get in?"
"You have to spell a word," Saint Peter told her.
"Which word?" the woman asked.
"Love."
The woman correctly spelled "l-o-v-e," and Saint Peter welcomed her into Heaven.
About a year later, Saint Peter came to the woman and asked her to watch the Gates of Heaven for him that day.
While the woman was guarding the Gates of Heaven, her husband arrived.
"I'm surprised to see you," the woman said.. "How have you been?"
"Oh, I've been doing pretty well since you died," her husband told her.
"I married the beautiful young nurse who took care of you while you were ill. And then I won the lottery. I sold the little house you and I lived in and bought a big mansion. And my wife and I traveled all around the world. We were on vacation, and I went water skiing today. I fell, the ski hit my head, and here I am. How do I get in?"
"You have to spell a word," the woman told him.
"Which word?" her husband asked.
"Czechoslovakia." |
|
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| mgmdx |
A teacher was doing a study testing the senses of first graders, using a bowl of lifesavers.
The children began to say:
"Red...........cherry,"
"Yellow........lemon,"
"Green.........lime,"
"Orange.......orange,"
"Purple..........grape"
Finally the teacher gave them all honey lifesavers. After tasting them, none of the children could identify the taste.
"Well," she said, "I'll give you a clue. It's what your Mother may
sometimes call your father.
One little girl looked up in horror, spit her lifesaver out and yelled:
"Oh my God!!!! They're ass holes!" |
|
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| xfactor |
Vacation
A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation to Jerusalem. While they were there, the wife passed away. The undertaker told the husband, "You can have her shipped home for
$5,000, or you can bury her here, in the Holy Land, for $150."
The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home. The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your wife home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only $150?"
The man replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance!
;) |
|
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| EXCALIBUR |
Ways to Turn Men Down
HE: Can I buy you a drink?
SHE: Actually I'd rather have the money.
HE: I'm a photographer. I've been looking for a face like yours
SHE: I'm a plastic surgeon. I've been looking for a face like yours.
HE: Hi. Didn't we go on a date once? Or was it twice?
SHE: Must've been once. I never make the same mistake twice.
HE: How did you get to be so beautiful?
SHE: I must've been given your share.
HE: Will you go out with me this Saturday?
SHE: Sorry. I'm having a headache this weekend.
HE: Your face must turn a few heads.
SHE: And your face must turn a few stomachs.
HE: Go on, don't be shy. Ask me out.
SHE: Okay, get out.
HE: I think I could make you very happy.
SHE: Why? Are you leaving?
HE: What would you say if I asked you to marry me?
SHE: Nothing. I can't talk and laugh at the same time.
HE: Can I have your name?
SHE: Why? Don't you already have one?
HE: Shall we go see a movie?
SHE: I've already seen it.
HE: Where have you been all my life?
SHE: Hiding from you.
HE: Haven't I seen you some place before?
SHE: Yes. That's why I don't go there anymore.
HE: Is this seat empty?
SHE: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.
HE: So, what do you do for a living?
SHE: I'm a female impersonator.
HE: Hey baby, what's your sign?
SHE: Do not enter.
HE: Your body is like a temple.
SHE: Sorry, there are no services today.
HE: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
SHE: If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing
HE: Where have you been all my life?
SHE: Where I'll be the rest of your life - in your wildest dreams |
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| ROTORRAY |
A man enters a bar and orders a drink. The bar has a robot bartender.
The robot serves him a perfectly prepared cocktail, and then asks him, "What's your IQ?"
The man replies "162" and the robot proceeds to make conversation about global warming factors, quantum physics and spirituality, biomimicry, environmental interconnectedness,
string theory, nanotechnology, and sexual proclivities.
The customer is very impressed and thinks, "This is really cool." He decides to test the robot.
He walks out of the bar, turns around, and comes back in for another drink.
Again, the robot serves him the perfectly prepared drink and asks him, "What's your IQ?"
The man responds, "about a 100."
Immediately the robot starts talking, but this time, about football, NASCAR, baseball, supermodels, favorite fast foods, guns, and women's body parts.
Really impressed, the man leaves the bar and decides to give the robot one more test.
He heads out and returns, the robot serves him and asks, "What's your IQ?"
The man replies, "Er, 50, I think."
And the robot says... real slowly,
"So.. is... your... party... gonna... nominate... Hillary... for.. president ???" |
|
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| ROTORRAY |
NUDITY
I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, "Mom! That lady isn't wearing a seat belt!
OPINIONS
On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a Note from his mother. The note read, "The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents."
KETCHUP
A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup to come out of the bottle. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone. "It's the minister, Mommy," the child said to her mother. Then she added, "Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle."
MORE NUDITY
A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's
locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, "What's the matter haven't you ever seen a little boy before?"
DEATH
While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin . Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased. The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his Father always said: "Glory be unto the Faaaather,
and unto the Sonnn .. and into the hole he gooooes."
SCHOOL
A little girl had just finished her first week of school. "I'm just
wasting my time," she said to her mother. "I can't read, I can't write and they won't let me talk!"
BIBLE
A little boy opened the big family bible. He was fascinated as he
fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages. "Mama, look what I found", the boy called out." What have you got there, dear?" With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, "I think it's Adam's underwear." |
|
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| ROTORRAY |
A little Indian boy asked his father, the big chief
and witch doctor of the tribe, "Papa, why is it that we always have long names, while the white men have shorter names - Bill, Tex or Sam, for example?"
His father replied, "Look, son, our names represent a
symbol, a sign, or a poem for our culture --not like the white men,
who repeat their names from generation to generation. Also, it is part of our makeup that in spite of everything, we survive.
For example, your sister's name is Small Romantic
Moon Over The lake, because on the night she was born, there was a beautiful moon reflected in the lake.
Then there's your brother; Big White Horse of the Prairies, because he was born on a day that the big white horse who gallops over the prairies of the world appeared near our camp and is a symbol of our capacity to live and the life force of our people. ;It's very simple and easy to understand.
Do you have any other questions, Little Broken Condom
Made in China?" |
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| mdxx3 |
A couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things.
They decide to go to the doctor for a checkup. The doctor tells them that
they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to
help them remember.
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair.
His wife asks, "Where are you going?"
"To the kitchen" he replies.
"Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"
"Sure."
"Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" she asks.
"No, I can remember it."
"Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. You'd better write it down
because you know you'll forget it."
He says, "I can remember that! You want a bowl of ice cream with
strawberries."
"I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, so you'd
better write it down!" she retorts.
Irritated, he says, "I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Leave
me alone! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for
goodness sake!" Then he grumbles into the kitchen.
After about 20 minutes the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his
wife a plate of bacon and eggs.
She stares at the plate for a moment and says - "Where's my toast?
...........Keep Reading .........
A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy: "So I hear you're
getting married?"
"Yep!"
"Do I know her?"
"Nope!"
"This woman, is she good looking?"
"Not really."
"Is she a good cook?"
"Naw, she can't cook too well."
"Does she have lots of money?"
"Nope! Poor as a church mouse."
"Well then, is she good in bed?"
"I don't know."
"Why in the world do you want to marry her then?"
" Because she can still drive!"
............Keep Reading .............
Three old guys are out walking.
First one says, "Windy, isn't it?"
Second one says, "No, its Thursday!"
Third one says, "So am I. Let's go get a beer."
..........Keep Reading ..........
A man was telling his neighbor, "I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me
four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect."
"Really," answered the neighbor. "What kind is it?"
"Twelve thirty."
............Keep Reading ............
Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days
later the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young
woman on his arm.
A couple of days later the doctor spoke to Morris and said, "You're really
doing great, aren't you?"
Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc. 'Get a hot mamma and be
cheerful.'"
The doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur. Be
careful.'"
...........Keep Reading ...........
A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself
slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his breath, he ordered a
banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?"
"No," he replied, "arthritis."
................. Stop Reading . |
|
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| mdxx3 |
Oil Change instructions for Women :
1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since the last oil change.
2) Drink a cup of coffee.
3) 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.
Money spent:
Oil Change $20.00
Coffee $1.00
Total $21.00
==========================================================
Oil Change instructions for Men:
1) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, write a check for $50.00.
2) Stop by 7 - 11 and buy a case of beer, write a check for $20, drive home.
3) Open a beer and drink it.
4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
7) Place drain pan under engine.
8) Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
9) Give up and use crescent wrench.
10) Unscrew drain plug.
11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on you in process. Cuss.
12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face and arms. Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.
13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.
14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.
15) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and twist off.
16) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in trash can to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer.
17) Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with him. Decide to finish oil change tomorrow so you can go see his new garage door opener.
18) Sunday: Skip church because "I gotta finish the oil change." Drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car. Cleverly dump oil in hole in back yard instead of taking it back to Kragen to recycle.
19) Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.
20) Beer? No, drank it all yesterday.
21) Walk to 7-11; buy beer.
22) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.
23) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
24) Remember drain plug from step 11.
25) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
26) Remember that the used oil is buried in a hole in the back yard, along with drain plug.
27) Drink beer.
28) Shovel out hole and sift oily mud for drain plug. Re-shovel oily dirt into hole. Steal sand from kids sandbox to cleverly cover oily patch of ground and avoid environmental penalties. Wash drain plug in lawnmower gas.
29) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw kitty litter on oil spill.
30) Drink beer.
31) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame.
32) Bang head on floorboards in reaction to step 31.
33) Begin cussing fit.
34) Throw stupid crescent wrench.
35) Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit bowling trophy.
36) Beer.
37) Clean up hands and forehead and bandage as required to stop blood flow.
38) Beer.
39) Beer.
40) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.
41) Beer.
42) Lower car from jack stands.
43) Accidentally crush remaining case of new motor oil.
44) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during steps 23 - 43.
45) Beer.
46) Test drive car.
47) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.
48) Car gets impounded.
49) Call loving wife, make bail.
50) 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.
Money spent:
Parts $50.00
DUI $2500.00
Impound fee $75.00
Bail $1500.00
Beer $40.00
Total - - $4,165.00
But you know the job was done right!
SEND THIS TO WOMEN WHO NEED A LAUGH...... AND TO MEN YOU THINK CAN HANDLE IT..... |
|
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| BaldEagle |
A fireman is working on one of the engines outside the station, when he notices a little girl next door in a little red wagon,
with little ladders hanging off the sides and a garden hose coiled in the middle. The girl is wearing a
toy fire fighter's helmet. The wagon is being pulled by a dog and cat.
The firefighter walks over to take a closer look. "That sure is a nice fire truck," the fire fighter says with admiration.
"Thanks," the girl says.
The fire fighter looks a little closer and notices the girl has tied the wagon to her dog's collar and the cat's testicles.
"Little Partner," the fire fighter says, "I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope
around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster."
The little girl replies thoughtfully, "You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren." |
|
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| BaldEagle |
A drunk man who smelled like beer sat down on a subway next to a priest.
The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes, the man turned to the priest and asked, "Say, Father, what causes arthritis?"
The priest replies, "My son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of a bath."
The drunk muttered in response, "Well, I'll be damned," then returned to his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"
The drunk answered, "I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does." |
|
|
| EXCALIBUR |
The Only Way Is Up
In Pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name. For example, the trade name of Tylenol also has a generic name of Acetaminophen. Aleve is also called Naproxen. Amoxil is also called Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.
The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and
of course, Ibepokin.
Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one.
Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of cocktails, highballs and just a good old-fashioned stiff drink. Pepsi will market
the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.
Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.
:trustme: |
|
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| BaldEagle |
1. Your boss is always yelling, "I wanna see your ass in here by 8:00!"
2. Can take advantage of computer monitor radiation to work on your tan.
3. "I'd love to chip in, but I left my wallet in my pants."
4. To stop those creepy guys in Marketing from looking down your blouse.
5. You want to see if it's like the dream.
6. So that with a little help from Muzak you can add "Exotic Dancer" to your exaggerated resume.
7. People stop stealing your pens after they've seen where you keep them.
8. Diverts attention from the fact that you also came to work drunk.
9. Gives "bad hair day" a whole new meaning.
10. No one steals your chair. |
|
|
| BaldEagle |
OLE took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Lena. He tiptoed quietly toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.
Managing not to yell, Ole sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood. He then hid the now almost empty box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed. In the morning, Ole woke up with searing pain in his head and butt and Lena staring at him from across the room.
She said, "You were drunk again last night weren't you Ole?"
Ole said, "Why you say such a mean ting?"
"Well," Lena said, "it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly...... it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the downstairs mirror." |
|
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| Sinecure |
I used to have a Labrador retriever & I was buying a large bag of Purina
at Wal-Mart and was in line to check out. A woman behind me asked if I
had a dog. On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Purina Diet
again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital
last time but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive
care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both
arms. I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way
that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and
simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is
nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.
I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now
enthralled with my story, particularly a tall guy who was behind her.
Horrified, she asked if I'd been poisoned. I told her no, I'd been
sitting in the street licking my balls and a car hit me. I thought the
tall guy was going to have to stagger out the door. |
|
|
| BaldEagle |
The IRS decides to audit Ralph, and summons him to the IRS office.
The IRS auditor is not surprised when Ralph shows up with his attorney.
The auditor says, "Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable.
"I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it," says Ralph. "How about a demonstration?"
The auditor thinks for a moment and said, "Okay, go ahead."
Ralph says, "I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye."
The auditor thinks a moment and says, "No way! It's a bet."
Ralph removes his glass eye and bites it.
The auditor's jaw drops. Ralph says, "Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye."
The auditor can tell Ralph isn't blind, so he takes the bet.
Ralph removes his dentures and bites his good eye.
The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Ralph's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous. "Want to go double or nothing?" Ralph says. "I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between."
The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this guy can manage that stunt, so he agrees again.
Ralph stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he cannot make the stream reach the wastebasket on other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the desk.
The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win. But Ralph's attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.
"Are you okay?" the auditor asks.
"Not really," says the attorney.
"This morning, when Ralph told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-thousand dollars that he could come in here and piss all over an IRS official's desk and that you'd be happy about it". |
|
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| cycler15 |
A doctor had just finished a marathon sex session with one of his patients. He was resting afterwards and was feeling a bit guilty because he thought it wasn't really ethical to screw one of his patients.
However, a little voice in his head said Lots of other doctors have sex with their patients, ... so it's not like you're the first ...
This made the doctor feel a little bit better until still another voice in his head said, but then again ... they probably weren't veterinarians ... |
|
|
| ROTORRAY |
The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to
tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.
The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories. "Tony, do you have a story to share?"
"Yes ma’am. My daddy told a story about my Aunt Karen. She was a pilot in Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol and a survival knife. She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn’t break and then her parachute landed right in the middle of twenty enemy troops. She shot fifteen of them with
the gun until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands."
"Good Heavens" said the horrified teacher. "What kind of moral did your daddy tell you from this horrible story?"
"Stay the hell away from Aunt Karen when she’s drinking. |
|
|
| BaldEagle |
Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven. At the Pearly Gates,
they are met by St. Peter. He says, "Sisters, you all led
such exemplary lives that the Lord is granting you six months
to go back to earth and to be anyone you wish to be."
The first nun says, "I want to be Sophia Loren," and
*poof* she's gone.
The second says, "I want to be Madonna," and *poof*
she's gone .
The third says, "I want to be Sara Pipalini."
St. Peter looks perplexed. "Who?" he asks.
"Sara Pipalini," replies the nun.
St. Peter shakes his head and says, "I'm sorry, but that name just doesn't ring a bell."
The nun then takes a newspaper clipping out of her habit and hands it to St.Peter.
St. Peter reads the paper and starts laughing. He hands it back to her and says......
"No sister, the paper says it was the 'Sahara Pipeline' that was laid by 1,400 men in 6 months."
If you laugh, you are going straight to hell!
|
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| doenuttz |
A blonde goes inside a librabry.And asked for a cheeseburger and fries?
The librabrian says= Excuse me,This is a library..
The blonde whisper into the librarian..
I am sorry.
(Whispering)Can I have a cheeseburger and fries? |
|
|
| MDteX |
A man was ordered by his doctor to lose 75 lbs. due to very serious health risks.
As he wondered how in the heck he would ever do it, he ran across an ad in the newspaper for a GUARANTEED WEIGHT LOSS PROGRAM.
"Guaranteed. Yeah right!" he thought to himself. But desperate, he calls them up and subscribes to the 3-day/10 pound weight loss program.
The next day there's a knock at his door, and when he answers, there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old young lady dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign round her neck.
She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me!"
Without a second thought he takes off after her. A few miles later, huffing and puffing, he finally catches her and is too tired to have his way with her.
After they are rested and she leaves, he thinks to himself, "I like the way this company does business!" The same girl shows up for the next two days and the same thing happens.
The fourth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lb. as promised.
He calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program. The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life, wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, "If you catch me, you can have me."
He's out the door after her like a shot.
This girl is in excellent shape and it takes him a very long while to catch her, but when he does, he is cramping and wheezing. For the next four days, the same routine happens and much to his delight, on the fifth day he weighs himself and found he has lost another 20 lb as promised.
He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50 pound program. "Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most rigorous program." "Absolutely," he replies, "I haven't felt this good in years.
The next day there's a knock at the door and when he opens it he finds a muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, "If I catch you, you're mine." |
|
|
| Sinecure |
Two friends, a blonde and a redhead, are walking down the street and pass a
flower shop where the redhead saw her boyfriend buying flowers.
Red sighed and said, "Oh, crap, my boyfriend is buying me flowers again."
The blonde looked quizzically at her and said, "You don't like getting
flowers from your boyfriend?"
The redhead said, "I love getting flowers, but he always has expectations
after giving me flowers, and I just don't feel like spending the next three
days on my back with my legs in the air."
The blonde says, "Don't you have a vase??" |
|
|
| Sinecure |
As we all know, sometimes we come face to face with the fact that it may be time to relocate. The big question is: where to? Here are some tips.
You can live in Phoenix, Arizona, where
1. You are willing to park 3 blocks away because you found shade.
2. You've experienced condensation on your butt from the hot water in the toilet bowl.
3. You can drive for 4 hours in one direction and never leave town.
4. You have over 100 recipes for Mexican food.
5. You know that "dry heat" is comparable to what hits you in the face when you open your oven door.
6. The 4 seasons are: tolerable, hot, really hot, and ARE YOU KIDDING ME??!!
You can Live in California where
1 You make over $250,000 and you still can't afford to buy a house.
2. The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway.
3. You know how to eat an artichoke.
4. You drive your rented Mercedes to your neighborhood block party.
5. When someone asks you how far something is, you tell them how long it will take to get there rather than how many miles away it is.
You can Live in New York City where
1. You say "the city" and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan.
2. You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park, but can't find Wisconsin on a map.
3. You think Central Park is "nature."
4. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multilingual.
5. You've worn out a car horn.
6. You think eye contact is an act of aggression.
You can Live in Maine where
1. You only have four spices: salt, pepper, ketchup, and Tabasco.
2. Halloween costumes fit over parkas.
3. You have more than one recipe for moose.
4. Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons.
5. The four seasons are: winter, still winter, almost winter, and construction.
You can Live in the Deep South where
1. You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store.
2. "y'all" is singular and "all y'all" is plural.
3. "He needed killin' " is a valid defense.
5. Everyone has 2 first names: Billy Bob, Jimmy Bob, Mary Sue, Betty Jean, Mary Beth, etc.
You can live in Colorado where
1. You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car.
2. You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home and he stops at the day care center.
3. A pass does not involve a football or dating.
4. The top of your head is bald, but you still have a pony tail.
You can live in the Midwest where
1. You've never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name.
2. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor.
3. You have had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" on the same day.
4. You end sentences with a preposition: "Where's my coat at?"
5. When asked how your trip was to any exotic place, you say, "It was different!"
AND You can live in Florida where
1. You eat dinner at 3:45 in the afternoon.
2. All purchases include a coupon of some kind -- even houses and cars.
3. Everyone can recommend an excellent dermatologist.
4. Road construction never ends anywhere in the state.
5. Cars in front of you are often driven by headless people.
6. The 4 seasons are: tolerable, hot, really hot, and snowbirds. |
|
|
| ROTORRAY |
A Catholic Priest was about to finish his tour of duty, and was leaving his
Mission in the jungle where he has spent years teaching the natives when
he realizes that the one thing he never taught them was how to speak English.
So he takes the chief for a walk in the forest.
He points to a tree and says to the chief, "This is a tree." The chief
looks at the tree and grunts, "Tree."
The Priest pleased with the response. They walk a little farther and he
points to a rock and says, "This is a rock." Hearing this, the chief looks
and grunts, "Rock."
The Priest was really getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears
a rustling in the bushes. As they peek over the top, he sees a couple of
natives in the midst of heavy sexual activity.
The Priest is really flustered and quickly responds, "Man riding a bike."
The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blowgun and kills them.
The Priest goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years
teaching the tribe how to be civilized and kind to each other, so how could he
kill these people in cold blood that way?
The chief replied, "My bike." |
|
|
| BaldEagle |
While walking down the street one day a US Senator is tragically hit by a truck and dies.
His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.
"Welcome to heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."
"No problem, just let me in," says the man.
"Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity."
"Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven," says the senator.
"I'm sorry, but we have our rules."
And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.
Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people.
They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne.
Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go.
Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises...
The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.
"Now it's time to visit heaven."
So, 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.
"Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity."
The senator reflects for a minute, then he answers: "Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell."
So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.
Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage.
He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above.
The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder. "I don't understand," stammers the senator. "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?"
The devil looks at him, smiles and says, "Yesterday we were campaigning......Today you voted." |
|
|
| ByeByeChrysler |
A PLANE IS ON ITS WAY TO HOUSTON WHEN A BLONDE IN ECONOMY CLASS GETS UP AND MOVES TO THE FIRST CLASS SECTION AND SITS DOWN.
THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT WATCHES HER DO THIS AND ASKS TO SEE HER TICKET.
THE ATTENDANT THEN TELLS THE BLONDE THAT SHE PAID FOR ECONOMY CLASS AND THAT SHE WILL HAVE TO SIT IN THE CORRECT SECTION.
THE BLONDE REPLIES, "I'M BLONDE, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M GOING TO HOUSTON AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE."
THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT GOES INTO THE COCKPIT AND TELLS THE PILOT AND THE CO-PILOT THAT THERE IS A BLONDE SITTING IN FIRST CLASS THAT BELONGS IN ECONOMY AND WON'T MOVE BACK TO HER SEAT.
THE CO-PILOT GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND TRIES TO EXPLAIN THAT BECAUSE SHE ONLY PAID FOR ECONOMY SHE WILL HAVE TO RETURN TO HER ECONOMY SEAT.
THE BLONDE REPLIES, "I'M BLONDE, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M GOING TO HOUSTON AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE."
THE CO-PILOT TELLS THE PILOT THAT HE PROBABLY SHOULD HAVE THE POLICE WAITING WHEN THEY LAND TO ARREST THIS BLONDE WOMAN WHO WON'T LISTEN TO REASON.
THE PILOT SAYS, "YOU SAY SHE'S A BLONDE? I'LL HANDLE THIS, I'M MARRIED TO A BLONDE. I SPEAK BLONDE."
HE GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND WHISPERS IN HER EAR, AND SHE SAYS, "OH, I'M SORRY." AND SHE GETS UP AND GOES BACK TO HER SEAT IN ECONOMY.
THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT AND CO-PILOT ARE AMAZED AND ASKES HIM WHAT HE SAID TO MAKE HER MOVE WITHOUT ANY FUSS.
I TOLD HER, "FIRST CLASS ISN'T GOING TO HOUSTON. |
|
|
| EXCALIBUR |
A young couple left the church and arrived at the hotel where they were spending the first night of their honeymoon. They opened the champagne and began undressing.
When the bridegroom removed his socks, his new wife asked, "Ewww - what's wrong with your feet? Your toes look all mangled and weird. Why are your feet so gross?"
"I had tolio as a child," he answered.
"You mean polio?" she asked.
"No, tolio. The disease only affected my toes."
The bride was satisfied with this explanation, and they continued undressing. When the groom took off his pants, his bride once again wrinkled up her nose.
"What's wrong with your knees?" She asked. "They're all lumpy and deformed!"
"As a child, I also had kneasles," he explained.
"You mean measles?" she asked.
"No, kneasles. It was a strange illness that only affected my knees."
The new bride had to be satisfied with this answer. As the undressing continued, her husband at last removed his underwear.
"Don't tell me," she said. "Let me guess.. Smallcox?":wtf: |
|
|
| EXCALIBUR |
Jeff walks into a bar and sees his friend Paul slumped over the bar. He walks over and asks Paul what's wrong.
"Well," replies Paul, "you know that beautiful girl at work that I wanted to ask out, but I got an erection every time I saw her?"
"Yes," replies Jeff with a laugh.
"Well," says Paul, straightening up, "I finally plucked up the courage to ask her out, and she agreed."
"That's great!" says Jeff, "When are you going out?"
"I went to meet her this evening," continues Paul, "but I was worried I'd get an erection again. So I got some duct tape and taped my penis to my leg, so if I did, it wouldn't show."
"Sensible" says Jeff.
"So I get to her door," says Paul, "and I rang her doorbell. She answered it in the sheerest, tiniest dress you ever saw."
"And what happened then?" (Paul slumps back over the bar again.)
"I kicked her in the face."
:shizhap: |
|
|
| ROTORRAY |
PET RULES
To be posted VERY LOW on the refrigerator door - nose height.
Dear Dogs and Cats,
The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.
The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.
I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.
For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years -- canine or feline attendance is not required.
The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough! To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the following message the front door:
To All Non-Pet Owners Who Visit & Like to Complain About My Pets:
1. They live here. You don't.
2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture.
(That's why they call it "fur"niture.)
3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.
4. To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.
Remember: Dogs and cats are better than kids because they:
1. Eat less
2. Don't ask for money all the time
3 Are easier to train
4. Normally come when called
5. Never ask to drive the car
6. Don't hang out with drug-using friends
7. Don't smoke or drink
8. Don't have to buy the latest fashions
9. Don't want to wear your clothes
10. Don't need a gazillion dollars for college, and...
11. If they get pregnant, you can sell their children. |
|
|
| BaldEagle |
Two ninety year old men, Moe and Sam, have been friends all their lives. Sam is dying, and Moe comes to visit him every day.
"Sam," says Moe, "You know how we have both loved baseball all our lives, and how we played minor league ball together for so many years. Sam, you have to do me one favor. When you get to Heaven, and I know you will go to Heaven, somehow you've got to let me know if there's baseball in Heaven."
Sam looks up at Moe from his death bed, and says, "Moe, you've been my best friend many years. This favor, if at all possible, you know I'll do it for you."
Shortly after that, Sam passes on. It is midnight a couple of nights later. Moe is sound asleep when he is awakened by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calls out to him,
"Moe.... Moe...."
"Who is it?" says Moe sitting up suddenly. "Who is it ?"
"Moe, it's me, Sam."
"Come on. You're not Sam. Sam just died."
"I'm telling you," insists the voice. "It's me, Sam!"
"Sam? Is that really you? Where are you?"
"I'm in heaven," says Sam, "and I've got to tell you, I've got really good news and a little bad news."
"So, tell me the good news first," says Moe.
"The good news," says Sam "is, there is baseball in heaven. Better yet, all our old buddies who've gone before us are there. Better yet, we're all young men again. Better yet, it's always spring time and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play baseball all we want, and we never get tired!"
"Really?" says Moe, "That is fantastic, wonderful beyond my wildest dreams! But, what's the bad news?"
"You're pitching next Tuesday!" |
|
|
| Maik |
There's a lesson in there somewhere......
Married Life - makes my eyes tear up, such a happy ending...
A couple had only been married for two weeks and the husband,
although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town
and party with his old buddies.
So, he said to his new wife, "Honey, I'll be right back."
"Where are you going, Coochy Coo?" asked the wife.
"I'm going to the tavern, Pretty Face," he answered. I'm going
to have a beer."
The wife said, "You want a beer, my love?" She opened the door
to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer,
brands from 12 different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan,
India, etc
The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he
could think of saying was, "Yes, Lollipop... but at the tavern...
You know... they have frozen glasses... "
He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife
Interrupted him by saying, "You want a frozen glass, Puppy Face?" She took
a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was
getting chills just holding it.
The husband, looking a bit pale, said, "Yes, Tootsie Roll, but at
The tavernthey have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious...
I won't be long. I'll be right back. I promise. OK?"
"You want hors d'oeuvres, Poochie Pooh?" She opened the oven
and took out 5 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings,
pigs in blankets, mushroom caps, and little quiches.
"But my sweet honey... at the tavern.... you know there's
swearing, dirty words and all that..."
"You want dirty words, Cutie Pie? LISTEN UP CHICKEN ****! SIT
YOUR ASS DOWN, SHUT THE HELL UP, DRINK YOUR BEER IN
YOUR FROZEN MUG AND EAT YOUR HORS D'OEUVRES BECAUSE
YOUR MARRIED ASS ISN'T GOING TO A DAMNED TAVERN! THAT
**** IS OVER, GOT IT, JACKASS?"
and they lived happily ever after. |
|
|
| BaldEagle |
A doctor at an insane asylum decided to take his patients to a baseball game. For weeks in advance, he coached his patients to respond to his commands.
When the day of the game arrived, everything went quite well.,.
As the National Anthem started, the doctor yelled, "Up Nuts," and the patients complied by standing up.
After the anthem, he yelled, "Down Nuts," and they all sat back down in their seats.
After a home run was hit, the doctor yelled, "Cheer Nuts". They all broke out into applause and cheered.
When the umpire made a particularly bad call against the star of the home team, the Doctor yelled, "Booooo Nuts," and they all started booing and cat calling.
Comfortable with their response, the doctor decided to go get a beer and a hot dog, leaving his assistant in charge.
When he returned, there was a riot in progress. Finding his tizzied assistant, the doctor asked, "What in the world happened?"
The assistant replied, "Well everything was going just fine until this vendor walked by and yelled, "PEANUTS!" |
|
|
| ByeByeChrysler |
Two Muslim Mothers are sitting in the cafe chatting over a pint of goat's milk. The older of the Mothers pulls out her bag and starts flipping through pictures and reminiscing.
"This is my oldest son, Mohamed. He would be 24 now."
The other Mother replies, "I remember him as a baby."
The Mum says, "He's a martyr now."
"Oh, so sad, my dear."
Mum flips to another picture. "And this is my second son, Kali. He would be 21."
"Oh I remember him. He had such curly hair when he was born."
Mum sighs, "He's a martyr, too."
"Oh, gracious me" says the second Mother.
"And this is my third son. My beautiful Ahmed! He would be 18" Mum whispers.
"Yes" says her friend enthusiastically, "I remember when he first started school."
"He's a martyr, also" Mum says, with tears in her eyes.
After a pause and a deep sigh, the second Muslim Mother looks wistfully at the photos and says:
"They blow up so fast, don't they?" |
|
|
| ROTORRAY |
A sign in the Bank Lobby reads:
"Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through teller machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles. Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts. After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE procedures have been developed. Please follow the
appropriate steps for your gender."
MALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Put window up.
7. Drive off.
***************************************************************************************
FEMALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the
machine.
3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
8. Insert card.
9. Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
11. Enter PIN.
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of checkbook.
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided.
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Redial person on cell phone.
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release Parking Brake. |
|
|
| Steameng8 |
Bubba died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly. The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best friends, Darryl and
Gomer. The three men had always done everything together.
Darryl arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet, Darryl said, "Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad. You better roll him over.The mortician rolled him over, and Darryl said, "Nope, ain't Bubba." The mortician thought this was rather strange.
So he brought Gomer in, to confirm the identify of the body.
Gomer looked at the body and said, "Yup, he's pretty well burnt up. Roll him over." The mortician rolled him over, and Gomer said, "No, it ain't Bubba." The mortician asked, "How can you tell?" Gomer said, "Well, Bubba had two assholes."
"What? He had two assholes?", asked the mortician.
Yup, I never seed 'em, but everyone knew he had two assholes. Every time we went to town, folks would say, "Here comes Bubba with them two assholes." |
|
|
| BaldEagle |
A farmer goes out one day and buys a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop. The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says, "Okay old fart, time for you to retire."
The old rooster replies, "Come on, surely you cannot handle ALL of these chickens. Look what it has done to me. Can't you just let me have two old hens over in the corner?"
The young rooster says, "Beat it! You are washed up and I am taking over."
The old rooster says, "I tell you what, young stud. I will race you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets the exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop."
The young rooster laughs, " You know you don't stand a chance old man, so just to be fair I will give you a head start."
The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off running after him. They round the front porch of the farm house and the young rooster closes the gap. He is already about 5 inches behind the old rooster and gaining fast.
The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch when he sees the roosters running by. He grabs up his shotgun and "BOOM". He blows the young rooster to bits.
The farmer sadly shakes his head and says, "Dangit....third gay rooster I bought this month."
Moral of the story... Don't mess with the old folks...age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill! |
|
|
| BaldEagle |
A pretty young woman visiting her new doctor for the first time found herself alone in a small waiting room. She began undressing nervously, preparing herself for the upcoming examination.
Just as she draped the last of her garments over the back of a chair, a light rap sounded on the door and a young doctor strode in.
Coming to an abrupt halt, the doctor looked his nude patient up and down carefully and with considerable appreciation.
"Miss Jones," he said finally, "it seems quite obvious to me that until today you have never undergone an eye examination." |
|
|
| EXCALIBUR |
A completely inebriated man walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her, placed his hand up her skirt and began fondling her.
She jumped up and slapped him silly.
He immediately apologized and explained, "I'm sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her."
"Why you drunken, worthless, insufferable son of a *****!" she screamed.
"Funny," he muttered, "you even sound exactly like her.":4: |
|
|
| eurojap |
quote:
Originally posted by msu79gt82
A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking the monkey jumps all around the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps onto the pool table, grabs one of the billiard balls, sticks it in his mouth, and to everyone's amazement, somehow swallows it whole. The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?" The guy says "No, what?" "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table... whole!" "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "He eats everything in sight, the little bugger. Sorry. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff". He finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the Monkey ate, then leaves.
Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his bum, pulls it out, and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" "No, what?" replies the guy. "Well, he stuck a cherry up his bum, pulled it out, and ate it!" said the bartender. Yeah, that doesn't surprise me", replied the guy. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since the cue ball incident, he measures everything first."
I know I'm late on the draw and all but msu79gt82, this is really funny. :fatyo:
You made my day.
eurojap |
|
|
| Echo2625 |
Anna had lost her husband almost four years ago. Her daughter was Constantly calling her and urging her to get back into the world.
Finally, Anna said she'd go out, but didn't know anyone.
Her daughter immediately replied, "Mom! I have someone for you to meet."
Well, it was an immediate hit. They took to one another and after dating For six weeks, he asked her to join him for a weekend in Vermont.
Their First night there, she undressed as he did. There she stood nude, except For a pair of black lacy panties; he was in his birthday suit.
Looking her over, he asked, "Why the black panties?"
She replied: "My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but Down there I am still mourning."
He knew he was not getting lucky that night.
The following night was the Same--she stood there wearing the black panties, and he was in his birthday suit--but now he was wearing a black condom.
She looked at him and asked: "What's with the black condom?"
He replied..........................................................................
"I want to offer my deepest condolences"
:2: :2: :2: |
|
|
| BaldEagle |
A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.
Four worms were placed into four separate jars.
The first worm was put Into a container of alcohol.
The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.
The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.
The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.
At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:
The first worm in alcohol - Dead.
The second worm in cigarette smoke -Dead .
Third worm in chocolate syrup - Dead .
Fourth worm in good clean soil - Alive.
So the Minister asked the congregation
What can you learn from this demonstration?
Maxine was setting in the back, Quickly raised her hand and said,
"As long as you drink, smoke, and eat chocolate...... you won't have worms!"
__________________ |
|
|
| Maik |
A man appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.
"Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asked.
"Well, I can think of one thing," the man offered. "Once, on a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of
bikers, who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the
largest and most heavily tattooed biker and smacked him in his face,
kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the
ground. I yelled, "Now, back off!! Or I'll kick the **** out of all of
you !"
St. Peter was impressed, "When did this happen?"
"Just a couple minutes ago." |
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| EXCALIBUR |
| Nice driving, and a very catchy techno tune. I like it.:29::29: |
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| ByeByeChrysler |
BREAKING NEWS: Terror Alert in Buffalo:
Buffalo , (NY)--Buffalo Bills football practice was delayed nearly two hours
today after a player reported finding an unknown white powdery substance on
the practice field. Head coach immediately suspended practice and
called the police and federal investigators.
After a complete analysis, FBI forensic experts determined that the white
substance unknown to players was the GOAL LINE.
Practice resumed after special agents decided the team was unlikely to
encounter the substance again this season. |
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| EXCALIBUR |
A married couple went to he hospital to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labour pain to the father.
He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favour of it. The doctor set the pain transfer dial to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before.
But as the labour progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and bump it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine.
The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this point they decided to try for 50%.
The husband continued to feel quite well. Since it was obviously helping out his wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him.
The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain.
She and her husband were ecstatic.
When they got home, the mailman was lying dead on their porch. |
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| ROTORRAY |
I was shopping at Kroger's and noticed a little old lady following me around.
I stopped, she stopped. Furthermore she kept staring at me.
She finally overtook me at the checkout, and she turned to me and said,
"I hope I haven't made you feel ill at ease; it's just that you look so much like my late son."
I answered, "That's okay."
"I know it's silly, but if you'd call out "Good bye, Mom" as I leave the store, it would make me feel so happy."
She then went through the checkout, and as she was on her way out of the store, I called out, "Goodbye, Mom."
The little old lady waved, and smiled back at me. Pleased that I had brought a little sunshine into someone's day, I went to pay for my groceries.
"That comes to $121.85," said the clerk. "How come so much .. I only bought 5 items.."
The clerk replied, "Yeah, but your Mother said you'd be paying for her things too."
Don't trust little Old Ladies!!! |
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| BaldEagle |
A woman asks her husband, "Would you like some bacon and eggs? A slice of toast, and maybe some grapefruit
and coffee?"
He declines. "Thanks for asking, but I'm not hungry right now. It's this viagra," he says. "It's really
taken the edge off my appetite."
At lunchtime she asked him if he would like something. "A bowl of soup, homemade muffins, or a cheese sandwich?"
He declines. "The viagra," he says, "really trashes my desire for food."
Come dinnertime, she asks if he wants anything to eat. "Would you like a juicy rib eye steak and scrumptious
apple pie? Or maybe a rotisserie chicken or tasty stir fry?"
He declines again. "No," he says, "it's got to be the viagra....I'm still not hungry."
"Well," she says, "Would you mind letting me up? I'm starving." |
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| BaldEagle |
A guy goes to the supermarket and notices a beautiful woman wave at him and say hello. He's rather taken aback, because he can't place where he knows her from. So he says, "Do you know me?"
To which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids."
Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching, while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery???"
She looks into his eyes and calmly says, "No, I'm your son's math teacher." |
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