| srpbep |
| Now here is a thread worth reading!! |
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| mdxxxx |
| What bodypart goes to heaven first? |
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| ByeByeChrysler |
Little Johnny was doing very badly in math. His parents had tried everything; tutors, flash cards, special learning centres, in short, everything they could think of. Finally in a last ditch effort, they took Johnny down and enrolled him in the local Catholic School.
After the first day, little Johnny comes home with a very serious look on his face. He doesn't kiss his mother hello. Instead, he goes straight to his room & starts studying. Books & papers are spread out all over the room and little Johnny is hard at work. His mother is amazed. She calls him down to dinner and to her shock, the minute he is done he marches back to his room without a word and in no time he is back hitting the books as hard as before. This goes on for sometime, day after day while the mother tries to understand what made all the difference.
Finally, little Johnny brings home his report card. He quietly lays it on the table and goes up to his room and hits the books. With great trepidation, his mom looks at it and to her surprise, little Johnny got an A in math. She can no longer hold her curiosity. She goes to his room and says: "Son, what was it? Was it the nuns?"
Little Johnny looks at her and shakes his head "No". "Well then", she replies, "was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the uniforms, WHAT was it?".
Little Johnny looks at her and says, "Well, on the first day of school, when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren't fooling around." |
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| ByeByeChrysler |
Zafer
got excited there, for a second. |
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| DavidM |
>
> A keen Texas lad applied for a salesman's job at a big city department
> store. The store was the biggest in the world and sold everything under
> the sun.
>
> "Have you ever been a salesman before?" the boss asked during his
> interview.
>
> "Yes, I was a salesman in Texas," the lad answered. The boss took an
> immediate liking to him and told him he could start the next day.
>
> "I'll come and see how you made out after we close up," the boss said.
>
> The day was long and hard for the young man, but finally it was 5
> o'clock. The boss closed up the store and found the lad sitting, slumped
> and exhausted, in a chair. "How many sales did you make today?" the boss
> asked.
>
> "One," said the lad.
>
> "One?" said the boss, obviously displeased.
>
> "Most of the sales people on my staff make 20 or 30 sales a day. How
> much was the sale worth?"
>
> "Exactly $101,334.53," said the young man.
>
> "How did you manage that?" asked the boss, flabbergasted.
>
> "Well," said the lad, "this man came in and I sold him a small fish
> hook, then a medium fish hook, and finally a really large hook. Then I
> sold him a small fishing line, a medium one, and huge one. I asked him
> where he was going fishing, and he said he was going down the coast. I
> said he'd probably need a boat, so I took him down to the boat
> department and sold him that fancy 22-foot Chris Craft with twin
> engines. Then he said his Honda Civic probably wouldn't be able to
> handle the load, so I took him to the vehicle department and sold him a
> new GMC 1-ton pickup truck."
>
> "You sold all that to guy who came in for a fish hook?" the boss asked
> in astonishment.
>
> "He didn't come in to buy a fish hook," the Texas boy explained. "He
> came in to buy a box of tampons for his wife, and I said to him, 'Since
> your weekend's already shot. You might as well go fishing.'"
;) |
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| msu79gt82 |
St. Mom's Wort ... Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to six hours.
Empty Nestrogen ... Highly effective suppository that eliminates melancholy by enhancing the memory of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait til they moved out.
Peptobimbo ... Liquid silicone for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and improves flirting.
Dumerol ... When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low I.Q. causing enjoyment of country western music.
Flipitor .. Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers
Antiboyotics ... When administered to teenage girls, is highly effective in improving grades, freeing up phone lines, and reducing money spent on make-up.
Menicillin ... Potent antibiotic for older women. Increases resistance to such lines as, "You make me want to be a better person, can we get naked now?"
Buyagra ... Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping. Increases potency and duration of spending spree.
Extra Strength Buy-one-all ... When combined with Buyagra, can cause an indiscriminant buying frenzy so severe the victim may even come home with a Donnie Osmond CD or a book by Dr. Laura.
Jack Asspirin ... Relieves the headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday, anniversary or phone number.
Anti-talksident ... A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers.
Sexcedrin ... Bedroom aerosol spray for men. More effective than Excedrin in treating the, "Not now, dear, I have a headache," syndrome.
Ragamet ... When administered to a husband, provides the same irritation as ragging on him all weekend, saving the wife the time and trouble of doing it herself.
Men-Gay ... A rub-in ointment that enables single women to identify who to cross off the dating pool. |
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| ByeByeChrysler |
DRINKS AND A WOMAN'S PERSONALITY
Seven New York City bartenders were asked if they could nail a woman's personality based on what she drinks. Though interviewed separately, they concurred on almost all counts. The results:
Drink: Beer
Personality: Casual, low-maintenance; down to earth.
Your Approach: Challenge her to a game of pool.
Drink: Blender Drinks
Personality: Flaky, annoying; a pain in the ass.
Your Approach: Avoid her, unless you want to be her cabin boy.
Drink: Mixed Drinks
Personality: Older, has picky taste; knows what she wants.
Your Approach: You won't have to approach her. She'll send YOU a drink.
Drink: Wine - (does not include white zinfandel, see below)
Personality: Conservative and classy, sophisticated.
Your Approach: Tell her you wish Reagan had had four more years...Alzheimer's and term limits be damned.
Drink: White Zin
Personality: Easy; thinks she is classy and sophisticated, actually has no clue.
Your approach: Make her feel smarter than she is...
Drink: Shots
Personality: Hanging with frat-boy pals or looking to get drunk ... and naked.
Your Approach: Easiest hit in the joint. Nothing to do but wait.
Additional note: If she likes salt on the rim of her Margarita, she swallows.:16:
:2: :19: |
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| ByeByeChrysler |
ANHEUSER BUSCH
It was a hot day in Minnesota. Helga hung the wash out to dry, put a roast in the oven, then went downstairs to pick up some dry cleaning. "Gootness, it's hot," she mused to herself as she walked down Main street.
She passed by a tavern and thought, "Vy nodt?" so she walked in and took a seat at the bar. The bartender came up and asked her what she would like to drink.
"Ya know," Helga said, "it is so hot I tink I'll have myself zee cold beer."
The bartender asked, "Anheuser Busch?"
Helga blushed and replied "Vell fine, tanks, und how's yer pecker?"
:2: |
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| DaleB |
The Lone Ranger and Tonto are camping out in the desert, set up
their tent and are soon asleep.
Some hours later, The Lone Ranger wakes his faithful friend " Tonto,
look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
Tonto replies " Me see millions of stars."
"What does that tell you?" asks The Lone Ranger.
Tonto ponders for a minute "Astronomically speaking, it tells me
there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.
Astrologically, it tells me Saturn is in Leo. Chronologically it appears to be approximately a quarter past three. Theologically it is evident the Lord is all powerful and we are small and
insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful
day tomorrow.
What does it tell you, Kemo Sabi?"
The Lone Ranger is silent for a moment, then he speaks "Tonto, you dumb-ass, someone has stolen our tent ." |
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| Mike_Platini |
Pierre, a brave French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out for a pleasant little picnic by the River Seine. It's a beautiful day and love is in the air.
Marie leans over to Pierre and says: "Pierre, kiss me!"
Our hero grabs a bottle of Merlot and splashes it on Marie's lips.
"What are you doing, Pierre?", says the startled Marie.
"I am Pierre, the fighter pilot! When I have red meat, I like to have red wine!"
She smiles and they start kissing. When things began to heat up a little, Marie says, "Pierre, kiss me lower."
"Our hero tears her blouse open, grabs a bottle of Chardonnay and starts pouring it all over her breasts.
"Pierre! What are you doing?", asks the bewildered Marie.
"I am Pierre, the fighter pilot! When I have white meat, I like to have white wine!"
They resume their passionate interlude and things really steam up. Marie leans close to his ear and whispers, "Pierre, kiss me lower!"
Our hero rips off her underwear, grabs a bottle of Cognac and pours it in her lap. He then strikes a match and lights it on fire. Marie shrieks and dives into the river.
Standing waist deep, Marie throws her arms upwards and screams furiously, "PIERRE, WHAT IN THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?"
Our hero stands up, defiantly, and says, "I am Pierre, the fighter pilot! When I go down, I go down in flames!"
;) |
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| Mike_Platini |
One day, a man gets a call from his uncle, and his uncle asks if he wants to join him in his new business, the nephew agrees and goes to his uncle's.
When the nephew arrives at the store, there are peaches lined up on tables.
The nephew asks, "Hey? What are all these peaches for?"
He replies, "These are double tasted peaches, think of a food is usually paired with something else, and I have it!"
"No ****? Well, how about Peanut butter and jelly?" The uncle points, "Over there."
He goes over and bites into it. "Mmmm, tastes like peanut butter."
"Turn it over." Says the uncle. He bites into the other side. "Mmmm, tastes like jelly!"
"Not to bad, how about ham and cheese?" The cousin points, "Over there."
He goes over and bites into it. "Mmmm, tastes like ham."
He turns it around and bites into the other side. "Mmmm, tastes like cheese!"
Then the nephew said slyly, "I bet you don't have pussy?" "Over there!" exclaims the uncle.
The Nephew goes over and bites into the peach, and spits out the chunk of peach, "Awwww, it tastes like ****!"
Then the uncle replied, "Turn it over.."
:p |
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| hockeyplayer |
What's the difference between a woman and a washing machine?
***You don't have to hug a washing machine after you dump your load in it.
Whoa....did I say that???? |
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| DaleB |
A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me.
I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started.”
Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"
The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger."
Her boyfriend goes to help her with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says,
"First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to
assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger."
He holds her hand and says, "Second, I'd advise you to relax. Let's have a cup of coffee, and then” he sighs, shaking his head slowly, “let’s put all these Frosted Flakes back in the box.” |
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| mdxxxx |
A woman went to her psychiatrist because she was having severe problems with her sex life.
The psychiatrist asked her many questions but did not seem to be getting a clear picture of her problems.
Finally he asked, "Do you ever watch your husband's face while you are having sex?"
"Well, yes, I did once."
"Well, how did he look?"
"Very angry."
At this point the psychiatrist felt that he was really getting somewhere and he said, "Well that's very interesting, we must look into this further. Now tell me, you say that you have only seen your husband's face once during sex; that seems somewhat unusual; how did it occur that you saw his face that time?"
"He was looking through the window at us." |
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| Lance Crowley |
15 Things to do at Walmart while your spouse/partner/significant other is taking his/her sweet time:
1. Get 24 boxes of condoms & randomly put them in peoples carts when they aren't looking.
2. Set all the alarm clocks in housewares to go off at 5 minute >intervals.
3. Make a trail of tomato juice on the floor to the rest rooms.
4. Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone,
’Code 3 in housewares,' ... and see what happens.
5. Go to the Service Desk and ask to put a bag of M&M's on lay away.
6. Move a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
7. Set up a tent in the camping department and tell other shoppers you'll only invite them in if they bring pillows from the bedding department.
8. When a clerk asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask
'Why can't you people just leave me alone?
9. Look right into the security camera and use it as a mirror while you pick your nose.
10. While handling guns in the hunting department ask the clerk if he knows where the antidepressants are.
11. Dart around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the theme from “Mission Impossible.'\
12. In the auto department practice your Madonna look using different size funnels.\
13. Hide in the clothing rack and when people browse through say 'PICK ME! PICK ME!!!!!!'
14. When an announcement comes over the loud speaker assume the fetal position and scream 'NO! NO! It's those voices again'. and last but not least,
15. Go into a fitting room and yell real loudly 'Hey! we're out of toilet paper in here!'. |
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| catzx6 |
| those are good!! :20: LMAO |
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| zafer |
| Bu, Chu, and Fu immigrate to the states. Upon naturalization, they decide to take on American names. Bu becomes Buck, Chu becomes Chuck, and Fu decides to returns to China. :19: |
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| ByeByeChrysler |
STILL IN THE BOX
A guy out on the golf course takes a high speed ball right in the crotch. Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground. He finally gets himself to the doctor. He says, "How bad is it, doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next week and my fiancée is still a virgin in every way."
The doctor said , "I'll have to put your penis in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay next week."
So he took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4-sided bandage and wired it all together. It was an impressive work of art. The guy mentions none of this to his girlfriend.
They marry and on their honeymoon night in the motel room, she rips open her blouse to reveal a gorgeous set of breasts. This was the first time he'd ever seen them. She says, "You are the first, no one has ever touched these breasts. "
He pulls down his pants, whips it out and says, "And look at this, it's still in the CRATE!" |
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| mdxxxx |
quote:
Originally posted by zafer
Bu, Chu, and Fu immigrate to the states. Upon naturalization, they take decide to take on American names. Bu becomes Buck, Chu becomes Chuck, and Fu decides to returns to China. :19:
:21: :20: :jester: |
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| mdxpursuit |
In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot. And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she had been Amazon dot Com.
She said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why doth thou travel far from town to town with thy goods when thou can trade without ever leaving thy tent?"
And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, "How, Dear?"
And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale and they will reply telling you which hath the best price. And the sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)."
Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. The drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods.
But this success did arouse envy. A man named Maccabia did secret himself inside Abraham's drum and was accused of insider trading. And the young men did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Siderites, or NERDS for short.
And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums that no one noticed that the real riches were going to the drum maker, one Brother William of Gates, who bought up every drum company in the land. And indeed did insist on making drums that would work only with Brother Gates' drumheads and drumsticks.
Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others." And as Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel, or as it came to be known "eBay", He said, "We need a name that reflects what we are," and Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators."
"YAHOO," said Abraham |
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| ghm2112 |
Yet more proof that different peoples respond to different social cues!:eek:
Click on this link and you will see what I mean.
If anyone speaks Japanese a translation of the lyrics would be appreciated!
Enjoy,
-Traveller:cool: |
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| formerjeeper |
Two blondes are new arrivals at the pearly gates and are comparing stories on how they died. First blonde: "I froze to death." Second blonde: "Froze to death - how horrible!" First: "Well it wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm and sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?" Second: "I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But, instead, I found him all by himself in the den, watching T.V." First:
"So what happened?" Second: "I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up to the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under every bed. I kept this up until I finally became so exhausted I keeled over with a heart attack and died." First: "Too bad you didn't look in the freezer - we'd both still be alive." |
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| Mike_Platini |
A man and his wife were driving through country on his way from New York to California. Looking at his fuel gauge, he decided to stop at the next gasoline station and fill up. About 15 minutes later, he spots a gas station and pulls over to the high-octane pump.
"What can I do for ya'll?" asks the attendant. "Fill 'er up with high test," replies the driver. While the attendant is filling up the tank, he's looking the car up and down. "What kinda car is this?" he asks. "I never seen one like it before."
"Well," responds the driver, his chest swelling up with pride, "This, my boy is a 1999 Cadillac DeVille." "What all's it got in it?" asks the attendant." Well," says the driver, "It has everything. It's loaded with power steering, power seats, power sun roof, power mirrors, AM/FM radio with a 10 deck CD player in the trunk with 100 watts per channel, 8 speaker stereo, rack and pinion steering, disk brakes all around, leather interior, digital instrument package, and best of all, a 8.8 liter V12 engine."
"Wow," says the attendant, "That's really something!"
"How much do I owe you for the gasoline?" asks the driver. "That'll be $30.17," says the attendant. The driver pulls out his money clip and peels off a $20 and a $10. He goes into his other pocket and pulls out a handful of change. Mixed up with the change are a few golf tees.
"What are those little wooden things?" asks the attendant. "That's what I put my balls on when I drive," says the driver.
"Wow," says the attendant, "Those Cadillac people think of everything!"
;) |
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| DavidM |
Telephone to God
It seems a man in Topeka, Kansas, decided to write
a book about churches around the country.
He started by flying to San Francisco, and started
working east from there. He went to a very large church and began taking
photographs, etc.
He spots a golden telephone on a wall and is intrigued with
a sign which reads "$10,000 a minute". Seeking out the preacher he
asks about the phone and the sign. The preacher answers that the golden
phone is, in fact, a direct line to Heaven and if he pays the price, he can
talk directly to GOD.
He thanks the preacher and continues on his way.
As he continues to visit churches in Seattle, Boise, Minneapolis, Chicago, Milwaukee, New York, Atlanta,
and on around the United States, he finds more phones, with the same sign, and the same answer
from each preacher.
Finally, he arrives in Texas. Upon entering a church in Dallas,
lo and behold, he sees the usual golden telephone. But THIS time, the sign reads
"Calls: 25 cents." Fascinated, he requests to talk to the preacher.
"Sir, I have been in cities all across the country and in each church I found this golden telephone,
and have been told it is a direct line to Heaven and that I could talk to GOD, but in the other churches the
cost was $10,000 a minute.
Your sign reads 25 cents a call. WHY?"
The preacher, smiling benignly, replies,
"Son, you're in Texas now, it's a local call." |
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| mdxxxx |
"Last night Trent Lott appeared on the Black Entertainment Network and he apologized. He was sincere about this. He said he no longer feels the bigotry and prejudice that he felt last week." —David Letterman
"Earlier tonight, Trent Lott appeared on BET. That's like Winona Ryder working as a security guard at Saks Fifth Avenue" —David Letterman
"Trent Lott said his remarks were a mistake of the head and not the heart. No, that rabid squirrel hairpiece you wear is a mistake of the head." —David Letterman
"New information is starting to emerge about Trent Lott's past. Forty years ago he led the fight to keep blacks out of his fraternity, Phi Beta Cracker. Now, he's part of an exclusively white club, the U.S. Senate." —Jay Leno
"One Republican leader said what Trent Lott did was a mistake of the mouth and not of the heart. Today, former President Clinton said, why didn't I think of that?" —Jay Leno
"The Supreme Court is expected to rule this week whether banning cross burning by groups like the Klu Klux Klan violates the first amendment. The outcome could affect the entertainment at Trent Lott's Christmas party." —Tina Fey |
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| msu79gt82 |
George W. Bush and Osama decided to settle the war once and for all. They sat down and decided to settle the whole dispute with one dog fight. They would have five years to breed the best fighting dog in the world and whichever side's dog won would be entitled to dominate the world.
Osama found the biggest, meanest Doberman and Rottweiler female dogs in the world and bred them with the biggest, meanest Siberian wolves. They selected only the biggest and strongest puppy from each litter, removed his siblings, which gave him all the milk. After five years they came up with the biggest meanest dog the world had ever seen. Its cage needed steel bars that were five inches thick and nobody could get near it.
When the day came for the dogfight, Bush showed up with a strange looking animal. It was a twelve-foot-long Dachshund. Everyone felt sorry for Bush because they knew there was no way that this dog could possibly last 10 seconds with the Afghanistan dog.
When the cages were opened up, the Dachshund came out of its cage and slowly waddled over towards Osama's dog. Osama's dog snarled and leaped out of its cage and charged the American Dachshund -- but when it got close enough to bite the Dachshund's neck, the Dachshund opened its mouth and consumed Osama's dog in one bite. There was nothing left at all of his dog.
Osama came up to Bush shaking his head in disbelief. "We don't understand how this could have happened. We had our best people working for five years with the meanest Doberman and Rottweiler female dogs in the world and the biggest, meanest Siberian wolves."
"That's nothing", said Bush. "We had DARPA working for five years to make that alligator look like a weenie dog." |
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| ByeByeChrysler |
30 Years difference
1972: Long hair
2002: Longing for hair
1972: The perfect high
2002: The perfect high yield mutual fund
1972: KEG
2002: EKG
1972: Acid rock
2002: Acid reflux
1972: Moving to California because it's cool
2002: Moving to California because it's warm
1972: Growing pot
2002: Growing pot belly
1972: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor
2002: Trying NOT to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor
1972: Seeds and stems
2002: Roughage
1972: Killer weed
2002: Weed killer
1972: Hoping for a BMW
2002: Hoping for a BM
1972: The Grateful Dead
2002: Dr. Kevorkian
1972: Going to a new, hip joint
2002: Receiving a new hip joint
1972: Rolling Stones
2002: Kidney Stones
1972: Being called into the principal's office
2002: Calling the principal's office
1972: Screw the system
2002: Upgrade the system
1972: Disco
2002: Costco
1972: Parents begging you to get your hair cut
2002: Children begging you to get their heads shaved
1972: Passing the drivers' test
2002: Passing the vision test
1972: Whatever
2002: Depends
Just in case you weren't feeling too old today, this will certainly change things. Each year the staff at Beloit College in Wisconsin puts together a list to try to give the faculty a sense of the mindset of this year's incoming freshmen. Here's this year's list:
The people who are starting college this fall across the nation were born in 1983. They are too young to remember the space shuttle blowing up.
Their lifetime has always included AIDS.
Bottle caps have always been screw off and plastic.
The CD was introduced the year they were born.
They have always had an answering machine.
They have always had cable.
They cannot fathom not having a remote control.
Jay Leno has always been on the Tonight Show.
Popcorn has always been cooked in the microwave.
They never took a swim and thought about Jaws.
They can't imagine what hard contact lenses! are.
They don't know who Mork was or where he was from.
They never heard: "Where's the Beef?", "I'd walk a mile for a Camel", or "de plane Boss, de plane".
They do not care who shot J. R. and have no idea who J. R. even is.
McDonald's never came in Styrofoam containers.
They don't have a clue how to use a typewriter.
Do you feel old yet? |
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| DaleB |
A Presbyterian Minister, a Catholic Priest, and a Rabbi are discussing funerals and the question came up, "When you are in your casket, and friends, family, and congregates are mourning over you, what would you like to hear them say?"
The Presbyterian Minister says "I would like to hear them say that I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man."
The Catholic Priest says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful teacher and a loyal servant of God who brought forgiveness and love to people's lives."
The Rabbi replies, "I would like to hear them say, 'Look, he's moving.' " |
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| msu79gt82 |
The man bowed in prayer, "Lord I know that to you a day is like a thousand years and a quarter is like a million dollars! If I may be so bold - can you spare a quarter?"
The Lord replied, "Tomorrow." |
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| archimedes1 |
This one's titled, Back in the Old Days:
When I was a kid adults used to bore me to tears with their tedious diatribes about how hard things were when they were growing up; what with walking twenty-five miles to school every morning uphill both ways through year 'round blizzards carrying their younger siblings on their backs to their one-room schoolhouse where they maintained a straight-A average despite their full-time after-school job at the local textile mill where
they worked for 35 cents an hour just to help keep their family from starving to death!
And I remember promising myself that when I grew up there was no way in hell I was going to lay a bunch of crap like that on kids about how hard I had it and how easy they've got it!
But....
Now that I've reached the ripe old age of twenty-five, I can't help but look around and notice the youth of today. You've got it so bloody easy! I mean, compared to my childhood, you live in a *%& Utopia! And I hate to say it, but you kids today, you don't know how good you've got it! I mean, when I was a kid we didn't have The Internet--we wanted to know something, we had to go to the damn library and look it up ourselves! And there was no email! We had to actually write somebody a letter--with a pen!--and then you had to walk all the way across the street and put it in the frickin' mailbox and it would take like a week to get there!
And there were no MP3s or Napsters! You wanted to steal music, you had to go to the Goddamned record store and shoplift it yourself!
Or we had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio and the DJ would usually talk over some part of it and f*ck it all up! You want to hear about hardship?
You couldn't just download p*rn! You had to bribe some homeless dude to buy you a copy of "Hustler" at the 7-11! It was either that or jack-off to the lingerie section of the JC Penney catalog! Those were your options!
We didn't have fancy sh*t like Call Waiting! If you were on the phone and somebody else called they got a busy signal! And we didn't have fancy Caller ID Boxes either! When the phone rang, you had no idea who it was it could be your boss, your mom, a collections agent, your drug dealer, you didn't know!!! You just had to pick it up and take your chances, mister!
And we didn't have any fancy Sony Playstation videogames with high-resolution 3-D graphics! We had the Atari 2600! With games like "Space Invaders" and "Asteroids" and the graphics sucked a$$! Your guy was a little square! You had to use your imagination! And there were no multiple levels or screens, it was just one screen forever! And you would never win, the game just kept getting harder and faster until you died! Just like LIFE!
When you went to the movie theater there no such thing as stadium seating! All the seats were the same height! A tall guy sat in front of you, you were screwed! And sure, we had cable television, but back then that was only like 20 channels and there was no onscreen menu! You had to use a little book called a TV Guide to find out what was on!
And there was no Cartoon Network! You could only get cartoons on Saturday morning... ...D'ya hear what I'm saying!?! We had to wait ALL WEEK, you spoiled little bastards! That's exactly what I'm talking about! You kids today have got it too easy. You're spoiled! You guys wouldn't last five minutes back in 1984!
This one's titled Alaskan Christmas Party (I realize it's January, but I just got it myself yesterday):
> > Tom had been in business for 25 years and was
> > finally sick of the stress. He quit his job and
> > bought 50 acres of land in Alaska as far from
> > humanity as possible. He saw the postman once a
> > week and got groceries once a month. Otherwise, it
> > was total peace and quiet.
> >
> > After six months or so of total isolation, someone
> > knocked on his door.
> >
> > He opened it and there was a huge, bearded man
> > standing there.
> >
> > "Name's Lars, your neighbor from forty miles up the
> > road. Having a Christmas party Friday
> > night...thought you might like to come ... about
> > 5:00."
> >
> > "Great," says Tom, "after six months out here I'm
> > ready to meet some local folks. Thank you!"
> >
> > Lars is leaving, he stops. "Gotta warn
> > you...There's gonna be some drinkin'."
> >
> > "Not a problem," says Tom. "After 25 years in
> > business, I can drink with the best of 'em."
> >
> > Again, as he starts to leave, Lars stops. "More 'n
> > likely gonna be some fightin' too."
> >
> > Tom says, "Well, I get along with people, I'll be
> > alright. I'll be there. Thanks again."
> >
> > Once again Lars turns from the door. "More 'n
> > likely be some wild sex, too."
> >
> > "Now that's really not a problem," says Tom, warming
> > to the idea. "I've been all alone for six months!
> > I'll definitely be there. By the way, what should I
> > wear?"
> >
> > Lars stops in the door again and says, "Whatever you
> > want. Just gonna be the two of us."
Enjoy,
Ioana. :) |
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| ByeByeChrysler |
:19: on the first one.
:14: :bootyshak on the second one |
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| zafer |
| Why aren't there any WalMart's in Afganistan? |
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| Mike_Platini |
On July 20, 1969, as commander of the Apollo 11 lunar module, Neil Armstrong was the first person to set foot on the moon.
His first words after stepping on the moon, "That's one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind," were televised to earth and heard by millions.
But just before he re-entered the lander, he made the enigmatic remark "Good luck, Mr. Gorsky."
Many people at NASA though it was a casual remark concerning some rival Soviet cosmonaut. However, upon checking, there was no Gorsky in either the Russian or American space programs.
Over the years many people questioned Armstrong as to what the "Good luck, Mr. Gorsky" statement meant, but Armstrong always just smiled.
On July 5, 1995, in Tampa Bay, Florida, while answering questions following a speech, a reporter brought up the 26-year-old question to Armstrong. This time he finally responded.
Mr. Gorsky had died, so Neil Armstrong felt he could answer the question.
In 1938 when he was a kid in a small midwest town, he was playing baseball with a friend in the backyard. His friend hit the ball, which landed in his neighbor's yard by the bedroom windows. His neighbors were Mr. and Mrs. Gorsky.
As he leaned down to pick up the ball, young Armstrong heard Mrs. Gorsky shouting at Mr. Gorsky. "Sex! You want sex? You'll get sex when the kid next door walks on the moon!"
TRUE STORY
:) |
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| zafer |
quote:
Originally posted by Mike_Platini
As he leaned down to pick up the ball, young Armstrong heard Mrs. Gorsky shouting at Mr. Gorsky. "Sex! You want sex? You'll get sex when the kid next door walks on the moon!"
Not true. Old Buddy Hacket joke turned urban legand. Transcript can be found here: http://www.hq.nasa.gov/alsj/a11/a11.step.html.
One correction though, its oral sex.
i.e.: "Oral Sex! You want oral sex? You'll get oral sex when the kid next door walks on the moon!" :19: |
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| jonnygoodboy |
quote:
Originally posted by zafer
Why aren't there any WalMart's in Afganistan?
Hmm..., they've all been replaced by Targets? |
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| zafer |
quote:
Originally posted by jonnygoodboy
Hmm..., they've all been replaced by Targets?
Yep!
Why did the little girl cary a gold fish in her pocket? |
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| jonnygoodboy |
quote:
Originally posted by zafer
Yep!
Why did the little girl cary a gold fish in her pocket?
'Cause it squished when she put it in her shoe? |
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| zafer |
quote:
Originally posted by jonnygoodboy
'Cause it squished when she put it in her shoe?
No, because she wanted to smell like the big ones.
Why does Santa carry such a big sack? |
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| ByeByeChrysler |
| she wanted to smell like a big girl. |
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| ByeByeChrysler |
I was too late.
other joke
he comes once a year |
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| zafer |
| What do you call a dog with no legs? |
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| DavidM |
Well, you can call it whatever you like......it still won't come!
What do you do with a dog with no legs?
.......take it out for a drag......:o |
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| zafer |
| What did the fish say when it hit the wall? |
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| ByeByeChrysler |
Did you ever stop to wonder what would happen if your dog's name was Willy?
* My Willy ate my homework.
* Oh, no! Willy is frothing at the mouth!
* Sorry I'm late. I was playing with Willy.
* I'm sorry, Officer. I didn't realize I had to keep Willy on a leash.
* Willy doesn't come when I call him.
* I love giving Willy a bath.
* Willy needs to get more exercise. He weighs over fifty pounds.
* Playing with Willy really wears me out.
* Would you like to see a picture of Willy?
* I keep a picture of Willy in my wallet.
* I think Willy is getting old because he won't get excited anymore. He just plays dead.
* Help! I can't find Willy!
* Willy gets excited whenever the mailman comes.
* Sorry to be driving so fast, officer. I have to take Willy to the hospital.
* Watch it or you'll step on Willy.
* When Willy behaves well, he gets a bone.
* Stop kicking Willy.
* Willy is truly man's best friend.
* I've trained Willy to jump through hoops.
* Willy always searches for an open hand under the dinner table.
* Excuse me, I need a muzzle for Willy.
* Sorry I'm late, but Willy kept me up howling all night. |
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| ByeByeChrysler |
Did you ever stop to wonder what would happen if your dog's name was Willy?
* My Willy ate my homework.
* Oh, no! Willy is frothing at the mouth!
* Sorry I'm late. I was playing with Willy.
* I'm sorry, Officer. I didn't realize I had to keep Willy on a leash.
* Willy doesn't come when I call him.
* I love giving Willy a bath.
* Willy needs to get more exercise. He weighs over fifty pounds.
* Playing with Willy really wears me out.
* Would you like to see a picture of Willy?
* I keep a picture of Willy in my wallet.
* I think Willy is getting old because he won't get excited anymore. He just plays dead.
* Help! I can't find Willy!
* Willy gets excited whenever the mailman comes.
* Sorry to be driving so fast, officer. I have to take Willy to the hospital.
* Watch it or you'll step on Willy.
* When Willy behaves well, he gets a bone.
* Stop kicking Willy.
* Willy is truly man's best friend.
* I've trained Willy to jump through hoops.
* Willy always searches for an open hand under the dinner table.
* Excuse me, I need a muzzle for Willy.
* Sorry I'm late, but Willy kept me up howling all night. |
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| DavidM |
Dog in Heat
>
> A little girl asked her Mom, "Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around
> the block?"
>
> Mom says, "No, because the dog is in heat."
>
> "What does that mean?" asked the child.
>
> "Go ask your father. I think he is in the garage."
>
> The little girl goes to the garage and says, "Dad, may I take Susie for
> a walk around the block?" I asked Mom, but she said that Susie was in
> heat, and to come talk to you."
>
> Dads said, "bring Susie over here." He took a rag, soaked it with
> gasoline, and scrubbed the dog's rear-end with it and said, "Okay, you
> can go now, but keep Susie on the leash and only go one time around the
> block."
>
> The little girl left, and returned a few minutes later with NO DOG on
> the leash.
>
> Dad asked, "Where is Susie?"
>
> The little girl said, "She will be here in a minute; she ran out of gas
> about halfway down the block and another dog is pushing her home.":jester: :D |
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| Mike_Platini |
Q. What's the difference between a tire and 365 used rubbers?
A. One's a Goodyear and the other's a great year! |
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| zafer |
- Two suspected drug dealers were shot in a gang-related war. The two sued the owners of the Ramada Inn parking lot where it occurred for $1.5 million in damages. The Florida hotel is appealing.
- A man is suing a bank that he attempted to rob. After employees of the bank realized he was deaf, they were able to talk during the attempted robbery, which made it easy for them to stall the would-be robber until police arrived. The failed bank robber is suing the bank for discrimination.
- Carl Truman, 19, won $74,000 and medical expenses after he sued the neighbor who ran over his hand. His neighbor claimed that he did not realize Truman was stealing his hubcaps at the time.
- A student attending a college in Idaho fell from his window while mooning a friend. The student then sued the college, claiming that it had not provided adequate information about the dangers of upper-story windows.
- A restaurant in Philadelphia was sued after Amber Carson of Lancaster, Pennsylvania, slipped and broke her coccyx on a beverage that had been spilled on the floor. She was awarded $113,500. Not bad, considering she had thrown the drink at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier, during an argument.
- A Blue Cross-Blue Shield worker sued IBM, claiming that their keyboard's "faulty design" had caused pain in her hand that kept her from working.
- A lawsuit was settled out of court between a teen and a company that sold the nets used for basketball hoops. The boy lost two teeth when they got caught in the net while he was attempting to slam-dunk a ball. The settlement was for $50,000.
- Bernie Carson is suing PT's Show Club (a strip club) for $200,000. Carson claims that one of the strippers caused him "emotional distress, mental anguish, and indignity" when she bashed her breasts against his head. Carson also claimed to have been "bruised, confused, lacerated and made sore." The stripper's breasts are rumored to weigh up to 40 pounds each.
- A man riding his bike home from work at night with no lights, only reflectors, was hit by a Jeep after the driver ran a stop sign. The bicyclist sued the bike manufacturer because he was not warned that reflectors might not be enough to prevent an accident. The man was awarded
$6 million.
- A 10-year-old boy, Philip Garner, sued his landlord for $1 million. Young Garner claimed he suffered great distress after the toilet in his Bronx apartment exploded.
- Dorothy Johnson sued Kenmore Inc. for the death of her dog. After washing the poodle, she placed it in her Kenmore microwave, "just a few minutes, on low," to dry it off. The case was dismissed.
- A construction worker in Tulsa intentionally cut his hand off with a circular saw. When he was taken to the emergency room, he told doctors not to reattach the hand, saying that it was possessed. The man is now suing the doctors for not reattaching his hand, claiming that the doctors should have known he was psychotic.
- A 27-year-old man was killed while rocking a vending machine that tipped over on him. The man was attempting to steal a drink out of the machine. Relatives in New York are suing for $400,000 in damages.
- In Pensacola, Fla., a drunken man who passed out on the CSX train tracks sued because he was hit by a train. Pedro Duran, 56, lost an arm and suffered a broken back in the accident. The train's engineer, who saw Duran but thought he was a lump of trash, blew the train's whistle for 54 seconds before the collision. Duran was awarded $600,000 for damages.
- A woman is suing a guide-dog school for $150,000 after a blind man allegedly stepped on her foot. A dog trained at the school was leading the man at the time.
- Jerry Williams sued and won $14,500 plus medical expenses after his neighbor's beagle bit him on the buttocks. The dog was on a chain in a fenced-in yard. Williams had been shooting the dog repeatedly with a pellet gun at the time of the incident.
- Kara Walton sued a nightclub after she fell out of a bathroom window and had her two front teeth knocked out. She won $12,000 plus dental expenses. She fell from the window, which she was using to sneak into the club to avoid the $3.50 cover charge.
- A New York small-business owner is suing Air France after crewmembers broke down the bathroom door and pulled him out in front of other passengers, fully exposing him. A smoke alarm had gone off on the plane, and they thought he was smoking. He is suing for $12 million.
- Erica Bailey, 21, is suing for $1.5 million after the child she was babysitting hit her in the throat. Bailey claimed she could not live a normal life with her new, hoarse voice.
- An Indiana inmate sued because he was not given Rogaine to treat his baldness. |
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| Mike_Platini |
This guy goes to a psychiatrist. The doctor shows him an inkblot and asks him what it looks like.
"A naked woman." He shows him another inkblot and asks him the same question.
"A naked woman on a bed."
"You're a sick pervert!" the psychiatrist exclaims.
"I'm not the pervert. You keep showing me all these naughty pictures!" |
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| ByeByeChrysler |
:19: :19:
glad I quit smoking |
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| Mike_Platini |
One day a little girl came running into her house yelling, "Mommy, I got five dollars!"
The mother was curious, so she asked her child where she got the five dollars from.
The little girl replied, ''Tommy down the street gave me five dollars for doing cartwheel while he sat in the tree.
The mother told her daughter, "Don't you know that Tommy is just trying to see your panties."
''OOOOhhhh'' said the little girl.
The next day the little girl came running into the house yelling, "Mommy, I got ten dollars. The mother asked, "Where did you get the ten dollars from?"
The little girl replied, "Tommy down the street gave me ten dollars for doing a cartwheel while he sat up in the tree and laughed."
The mother replied, "Didn't I tell you that he is...''
Before the mother could finish, the little girl said, ''Wait Mommy. I tricked him, I didn't wear any panties today.'' |
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| msu79gt82 |
One day, while fishing under the I-10 bridge in the Atchafalaya Basin, Budreaux made his confession. "We all been friend for tirty years and been tru a lot. I never told ya'll dis before because I didn't wanna ruin our friendship, but Im gay."
Fontenot looked over at Thibodeaux and said, "We kinda fgured dat out a wile back, but wadn't gonna say nutin' because we didn't wanna embarrass you."
Boudreaux thanked them for their understanding and continued: "Da reason I'm tollin' ya'll dis is cause I got AIDS and I got six munts to live. Ya'll da only family I got lef and I want ya'll to promise me dat ya'll won't let dem bary me. I'm scared of dem caskets and I wanna be cremated." "Den, I want ya'll to trow my ashes from dat bridge up over dis here water, where we've spent so much time togeder."
Fontenot and Thibodeaux wiped back a few tears, then agreed to do what their friend had asked. Sho'nough, six munts later Boudreaux died, and they were standing on the bridge with the ashes. Fontenot was about to trow them out when Thibodeaux stopped him: "Wait, may, you gotta say somtin," he said. "I donno what to say. I never was much about goin' to church," Fontenot admitted. Thibodeaux, he scratch his head. "Just say somtin'... anyting. Make it ryhme."
Fontenot him, he tought about it a while and started trowin' dem ashes out over da water and said: "Ashes to ashes, Dust to dust, If you liked girls You'd be here wit us!!!" |
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| mdxxxx |
Things Found Only In America
1. Only in America......can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
2. Only in America......are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
3. Only in America......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
4. Only in America......do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet Coke.
5. Only in America......do banks leave both doors to the vault open and then chain the pens to the counters.
6. Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
7. Only in America......do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.
8. Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
9. Only in America......do we use the word "politics" to describe the process so well: "poli" in Latin meaning "many" and "tics" meaning "bloodsucking creatures."
10. Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering. |
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| jonnygoodboy |
| Half of all marriages in America end in divorce. The other half end in death. |
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| msu79gt82 |
When you've had an absolute "I hate my job" day try this; On your way home from work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the thermometer section. You will need to purchase a rectal thermometer made by "Johnson and Johnson". {Be very sure you get this brand}. When you get home, lock your doors, draw the drapes, and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed during your therapy. Change to very comfortable clothing, such as a sweat suit and lie down on your bed. Open the package and remove the thermometer. Carefully place it on the bedside table so that it will not become chipped or broken. Take out the material that comes with the thermometer and read it.
You will notice that in small print there is a statement: "Every rectal thermometer made by Johnson and Johnson is personally tested".
Now close your eyes and repeat out loud five times: "I am so glad I do not work for quality control at the Johnson and Johnson Company"
Have a nice day folks and remember, there is always someone with a worse job than yours. |
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| msu79gt82 |
A man fell asleep on the beach under the noon day sun and suffered a severe sunburn to his legs. He was taken to the hospital. His skin had turned a bright red and was very painful and had started to blister. Anything that touched his legs caused agony. The doctor prescribed continued intravenous feedings of water and electrolytes, a mild sedative, and Viagra.
Rather astounded, the nurse inquired, "What good will Viagra do him in that condition?" The doctor replied, "It will keep the sheet off of his legs." |
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| msu79gt82 |
| A husband and wife were having a fine dining experience at their exclusive country club when this stunning young woman comes over to their table | | | |
