| mdxxxx |
Golf On The Sly
A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day, their passions overcame them and they took off for her house, where they made passionate love all afternoon. Exhausted from the wild sex, they fell asleep and awoke at around 8 p.m. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Mystified, she nonetheless complied and he slipped into his shoes and drove home.
"Where have you been?" demanded his wife when he entered the house.
"Darling," replied the man, "I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary and we've been having sex all afternoon. I fell asleep and didn't wake up until eight o'clock."
The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!" |
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| tommyleon |
After a long night of making love"hangin from the drapes Love"the young guy rolled over,was looking aroundwhen he noticed a framed picture of another man on a desk in the distance.Natuallly,the guy began to worry."Is this your husband?"he inquired nervously."No silly,"she replied,tonguing his ear."Your boyfriend then?"he asked."No ,not at all,"she said,now groping his equipment and really
burrowing her tongue in to his ear!"Well who is it then?"demanded the bewildered guy.Calmly,she replied,"Thats me before the surgery.":confused: |
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| mdxxxx |
A Child's Prayer
One night, a father passed by his son's room and heard his son praying: "God bless Mommy, Daddy, and Grandma. Ta ta, Grandpa."
The father didn't quite know what this meant, but was glad his son was praying. The next morning, they found Grandpa dead on the floor of a heart attack. The father reassured himself that it was just a coincidence, but was still a bit spooked.
The next night, he heard his son praying again: "God bless Mommy and Daddy. Ta ta, Grandma."
The father was worried, but decided to wait until morning. Sure enough, the next morning Grandma was on the floor, dead of a heart attack.
Really scared now, the father decided to wait outside his son's door the next night. And sure enough, the boy started to pray: "God bless Mommy. Ta ta, Daddy."
Now the father was crapping his pants. He stayed up all night, and went to the doctor's early the next day to make sure his health was fine. When he finally came home, his wife was waiting on the porch. She said, "Thank God you're here -- we could really use your help! We found milkman dead on our porch this morning!"
:2: |
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| msu79gt82 |
| I love salsa:1: |
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| tommyleon |
Damn that kids ugly,and I'll bet he is tough he's been beat with an ugly stick all his life.
Quote from an article in Time magazine April,1957!"Thank God I won't live to see the day when the government takes HALF our income in taxes.I sometimes wonder if we are electing the best people to congress".
Tom:4: |
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| mdxxxx |
Shot To The Heart
Aging Mildred was a 93 year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband Earl.
She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death.
Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out Earl's old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart since it was so badly broken in the first place.
Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and burden to someone, she called her doctor to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be.
"On a woman," the doctor said, "your heart would be just below your left breast."
Later that night, Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee
:2: |
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| tommyleon |
Annie was a bit of a demon in her wheelchair.She loved to charge around the nursing home,taking corners on one wheel and getting up to maximum speed on the long corridors.
Because poor Annie was one brick short of a full load,the other residence tolerated her.Some of the men actually joined in.
One day Annie was speeding up one corridor when a door opened and Kooky Karl stepped out with his arm outstreched."Stop",he said in a firm voice."Have you got a license for that thing?"
After fishing around in her purse ,pulled out a Kit Kat wrapper and held it up to him."Ok"he said,and away Annie sped down the hall.
As she took the corner near the TV lounge,Weired Willy popped out in front of her and shouted,"Stop!Have you got proof of insuance?"
Annie dug into her handbag,pulled out a beer coaster and held it up to him.Willy nodded and said,"OK,carry on,ma'am."
As Annie neared the corridor near the kitchen,Perverted Peter stepped out in front of her,stark naked,holding a sizeable erection in his hand."OH NO,"said Annie,"not the breathalyzer again!"
Tom :2: :2: |
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| mdxxxx |
Celebrity Computer Viruses
Monica Lewinsky virus: Sucks all the memory out of your computer.
Ronald Reagan virus: Saves your data, but forgets where it is stored.
Dr. Jack Kevorkian virus: Searches your hard drive for old files and deletes them.
Ellen Degeneres virus: Your IBM suddenly claims it's a MAC.
Titanic virus: Makes your whole computer go down.
Prozac virus: Screws up your RAM but your processor doesn't care.
Sharon Stone virus: Makes a huge initial impact, then you forget it's there.
Tim Allen virus: Appears helpful, only to destroy your hard drive upon contact.
HBO virus: Runs the same programs over and over, week after week after week.
Linda Tripp virus: Makes copies of your personal files and forwards them to the authorities.
Bill Clinton virus: Won't let you query the system for information.
Rush Limbaugh virus: Biases everything to the right.
Ken Starr virus: Expands a focused search of a specific file into a global interregation of every existing file. Creates links between unrelated data. Works extremely slow while searching and compiling results.
Al Gore virus: Runs quietly in background mode but doesn't appear to really do much of anything.
Saddam Hussein virus: Won't let you into any of your programs.
Tonya Harding virus: Turns your .BAT files into lethal weapons.
Jerry Seinfeld virus: Program about nothing that exits when you're really enjoying it.
David Caruso NYPD Blue virus: After running successfully for a while, it exits the program it was in and never works again.
Pee Wee Herman virus: Exposes your confidential files to everyone.
Arnold Schwarzenegger virus: Terminates and stays resident. It'll be back.
:2: |
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| ByeByeChrysler |
TYPES OF MEN YOU MIGHT SEE IN THE MENS RESTROOM
* EXCITABLE: Shorts half twisted around, cannot find hole, rips shorts.
* SOCIABLE: Joins friends in a piss whether he has to or not.
* CROSS-EYED: Looks into next urinal to see how the other guy is fixed.
* TIMID: Can't piss if someone's watching, flushes urinal, comes back later.
* INDIFFERENT: All urinals being used, pisses in sink.
* CLEVER: No hands, fixes tie, looks around and usually pisses on floor.
* WORRIED: Not sure of where he has been lately, makes quick inspection.
* FRIVOLOUS: Plays stream up, down and across urinals, tries to hit fly or bug.
* ABSENT-MINDED: Opens vest, pulls out tie, pisses in pants.
* CHILDISH: Pisses directly in bottom of urinal, likes to see it bubble.
* SNEAK: Farts silently while pissing, acts very innocent, knows man in next stall will get blamed.
* PATIENT: Stands very close for a long while waiting, reads with free hand.
* DESPERATE: Waits in long line, teeth floating, pisses in pants.
* TOUGH: Bangs pecker on side of urinal to dry it.
* EFFICIENT: Waits until he has to crap, then does both.
* FAT: Backs up and takes a blind shot at urinal, pisses in shoe.
* LITTLE: Stands on box, falls in, drowns.
* DRUNK: Holds right thumb in left hand, pisses in pants.
* DISGRUNTLED: Stands for a while, gives up, walks away.
* CONCEITED: Holds two-inch pecker like a baseball bat.
* RADICAL: Ignores urinal. Pisses on wall. |
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| mdxxxx |
Hillary Clinton's OB-GYN
Hillary Clinton went for her annual exam. After the exam, the OB-GYN told her that she was pregnant, and in great shape. Hillary couldn't believe the news and stormed out of the office. She rushed to her limo and picked up the phone to call home.
"You got me pregnant! How could you be so careless?" There is a silence on the other end. Finally, she hears Bill's voice.
"Who is this?''
:2: |
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| Liberty |
Two bored casino dealers were waiting at a craps table. A very
attractive blonde woman arrived and bet twenty-thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice. She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude."
With that she stripped from her neck down, rolled the dice and yelled, "Mama needs new clothes!"
Then she hollered..."YES!YES! I WON! I WON!"
She jumped up and down and hugged each of the dealers. She then picked up all the money and clothes and quickly departed.
The dealers just stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?" The other answered, "I don't know I thought YOU were watching!"
Blondes may be dumb, but men are men.
:4: |
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| mdxxxx |
A blonde went to the appliance store sale and found a bargain. "I would like to buy this TV," she told the salesman.
"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.
She hurried home and dyed her hair, then came back and again told the salesman, "I would like to buy this TV."
"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.
"Darn, he recognized me," she thought.
She went for a complete disguise this time; haircut and new color, new outfit, big sunglasses, then waited a few days before she again approached the salesman. "I would like to buy this TV."
"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.
Frustrated, she exclaimed, "How do you know I'm a blonde?"
"Because that's a microwave," he replied.
:2: |
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| tommyleon |
"I'm just afraid the Volkswagon car is going to open the door to a whole lot of foreign business."
Dave works hard at the plant and spends most evenings bowling or playing basketball at the gym.His wife thinks he is pushing himself too hard ,so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.
The doorman at the club greets them and says,"Hey,Dave!How ya doin?"
His wife is puzzled and ask if he's been to this club before.
"Oh no," says Dave."He's on my bowling team."
When they are seated ,a waitress asks Dave if he 'd like his usual Budweiser.His wife is becoming uncomfortable and says,"You must come here a lot for that woman to know that you drink Budweiser."
"No honey,she's in the ladies Bowling League.
We share lanes with them."
A stripper comes over to the table and throws her arms around Dave."Hi ya Davey,"she says,"Want your usual table dance?"
Dave's wife,now furious,grabs her purse and storms out of the club.Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab.Before she can slam the door,he jumps in beside her and she starts screaming at him.
The cabby turns his head and says,
"Looks like you picked up a real ***** tonight ,Dave!" |
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| mdxxxx |
A man walks out of a bar totally hammered...
A man walks out of a bar totally hammered, only to be greeted by a snobby woman. She takes one look at him.
"You, sir, are drunk!"
"And you ma'am, are ugly. But when I wake up, I will be sober!"
:2: |
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| mdxxxx |
Feudalism: You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk.
Fascism: You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to take care of them and sells you the milk.
Communism: You have two cows. You must take care of them, but the government takes all the milk.
Capitalism: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows. You sell them and retire on the income.
Enron Capitalism: You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt-equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows. The milk rights of the six cows are transferred through an intermediary to a Cayman Island company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company. The Enron annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more.
:2: |
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| BaldEagle |
Will Rogers, who died in a plane crash with Wylie Post
in 1935, was probably the greatest political sage
this country has ever known. Enjoy the following ----
1. Never slap a man who's chewing tobacco.
2. Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.
3. There are 2 theories to arguing with a woman...neither works.
4. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
5. Always drink upstream from the herd.
6. If you find yourself in a hole, stop digging.
7. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it
and put it back in your pocket.
8. There are three kinds of men. The ones that learn
by reading. The few who learn by observation. The rest
of them have to pee on the electric fence.
9. Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that
comes from bad judgment!
10. If you're riding' ahead of the herd, take a look
back every now and then to make sure it's still there.
11. Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot
easier'n puttin' it back.
12. AND FINALLY After eating an entire bull, a
mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept
it up until a hunter came along and shot him...
The moral: When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut. |
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| mdxxxx |
A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks you're stupid, stand up!"
After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?"
"No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"
:2: |
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| ByeByeChrysler |
At an international woman's conference the topic for discussion was how
>>to
>>empower women in the home.
>>
>>The first speaker was the British representative. She stood up and said;
>>
>>"I decided to make a stand against my husband's oppression and so I told
>>
>>him that I would no longer be doing the washing. After the first day I
>>saw
>>no result; after the second day I saw nothing; but after the third day
>>he
>>did his own washing."
>>
>>The delegates applauded this brave stand for women's rights.
>>
>>The second speaker was from America. She stood up and said; " I told my
>>husband that I was no longer prepared to cook for him as it was a form
>>of
>>enslavement. After the first day I saw no result, after the second day I
>>
>>saw no result; but after the third day he cooked a meal for the both of
>>us."
>>
>>Again the conference applauded.
>>
>>Next came the Australian delegate. She said; "I told my husband that I
>>would no longer be doing the shopping. After the first day I saw
>>nothing,
>>after the second day I saw nothing; but after the third day I could see
>>a
>>little bit out of my left eye."
:2: |
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| mdxxxx |
These are excuse notes from parents (with their original spelling) collected by schools from all over the country:
1) My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him.
2) Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.
3) Dear School: Please exscuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29,30, 31, 32, and also 33.
4) Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating.
5) Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.
6) John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.
7) Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part.
8) Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.
9) Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.
10) Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.
11) Please excuse Pedro from being absent yesterday. He had (diahre) (dyrea) (direathe) the runs. [words in ()'s were crossed out.]
12) Please excuse Burma, she has been sick and under the doctor.
13) Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.
14) Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.
15) I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because I don't know what size she wears.
16) Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday.
17) Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral.
18) My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the Marines.
19) Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well.
20) Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.
21) Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night.
22) Please excuse little Jimmy for not being in school yesterday. His father is gone and I could not get him ready because I was in bed with the doctor.
:2: |
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| DaleB |
An American, a Japanese and an Irishman were sitting naked in a sauna. Suddenly, there was a beeping
sound.
The American pressed his forearm and the beep stopped.
The others looked at him questioningly. " That was my pager," he said, " I have a microchip under the skin of my arm."
A few minutes later a phone rang. The Japanese fellow lifted his palm to his ear. When he finished he explained "That was my mobile phone, I have a microchip in my hand."
The Irishman felt decidedly low tech, but not to be outdone he decided he had to do something just as
impressive. He stepped out of the sauna and went to the toilet. He returned with a piece of toilet paper
hanging from his behind. The others raised their eyebrows and stared at him. The Irishman finally said-----
" Well, will you look at that, I'm getting a fax." |
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| mdxxxx |
Dick Cheney walks into the Oval Office and sees The President whooping and hollering.
"What's the matter, Mr. President?" The Vice President inquired.
"Nothing at all, boss. I just done finished a jigsaw puzzle in record time!" The President beamed.
"How long did it take you?"
"Well, the box said '3 to 5 Years' but I did it in a month!"
:2: |
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| Maik |
| An elderly man visits his doctor for a followup visit after having a full set of tests. The doctor greets him with a statement that he has some bad news. The man says "what is it?" The doctor replies "I'm afraid that you have cancer". The man grimaces, and the doctor announces that it is only half the bad news. Not knowing how his patient will handle it all at once, he very carefully tells his patient that he also has altzeimers. Seeing that the doctor was having trouble delivering this news, the man states, "hey, doc...don't feel bad for me. It could be worse, I could have cancer! |
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| mdxxxx |
| The ability to tell a person to go to hell in such a way that they look forward to the trip! :2: |
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| mdxxxx |
Ever wonder about people who say they are giving more than 100% ? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants over 100%. How about achieving 103 %? Here is a little math that might prove helpful.
What makes life 100%?
If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
Is represented as
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26
Then:
H A R D W O R K
8 1 18 4 23 15 18 11 = 98%
K N O W L E D G E
11 14 15 23 12 5 4 7 5 = 96%
But,
A T T I T U D E
1 20 20 9 20 21 4 5 = 100%
And,
B U L L S H I T
2 21 12 12 19 8 9 20 = 103%
So it stands to reason that hard work and knowledge will get you close, Attitude will get you there, and Bull**** will take you over the top.
But look how far ass kissing will take you.
A S S K I S S I N G
1 19 19 11 9 19 19 9 14 7 = 118%.
So the next time someone asks you to give more than 100%, you know what is required of you.
:2: |
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| tommyleon |
Hi MDXXXX,
What happens if you knock out some of the hard work & Knowledge but kick up the B.S. and the ASS kissing?I know lots of those types and they seem to get promoted .Could you still get to/over 100%
:confused: |
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| zafer |
The finals of the national poetry contest last year came down to 2 finalists. One was a Melbourne University Law School graduate from an upper-crust family. He was well bred and well connected. The other finalist was a bogan from Broadmeadows TAFE. The rules of the contest required each finalist to compose a four-line poem in one minute or less, and the poem had to contain the word 'Timbuktu'. The Melbourne uni grad went first.
About 30 seconds after the clock started he jumped up and recited the following:
Slowly across the desert sand
Trekked the dusty caravan
Men on camels, two by two
Destination - Timbuktu.
The audience went wild. How, they wondered, could the Broadmeadows bogan top that??
The clock started again and the second contestant sat in silent thought. Finally in the last few seconds, he jumped up and recited:
Tim and me, a-huntin' went.
Met three sluts in a pop-up tent.
They was three, we was two,
So I bucked one and Timbuktu.
He Won. |
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| mdxxxx |
quote:
Originally posted by tommyleon
Hi MDXXXX,
What happens if you knock out some of the hard work & Knowledge but kick up the B.S. and the ASS kissing?I know lots of those types and they seem to get promoted .Could you still get to/over 100%
:confused:
Sounds plausible :22: |
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| mdxxxx |
A lawyer is standing in a long line at the box office. Suddenly, he feels a pair of hands kneading his shoulders, back, and neck. The lawyer turns around.
"What the hell do you think you're doing?"
"I'm a chiropractor, and I'm just keeping in practice while I'm waiting in line."
"Well, I'm a lawyer, but you don't see me screwing the guy in front of me, do you?" :2: |
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| BaldEagle |
:19:
ROTFLMAO
The best of the week. Thanks zafer. |
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| tommyleon |
A guy enters a bar carrying an alligator.He says to the patrons,"Here's the deal.I'll open this gators mouth and place my genitals inside.The gator will close his mouth for one minute,then open it,and I'll remove my unit unscathed.If it works,everyone buys me a drink!" The crowd agrees.
The guy drops his pants and puts his privates in the gator's mouth.The gator closes his mouth.After a minute,the guy grabs a beer bottle and bangs the gator on the top of its head.The gator opens wide,and he removes his genitals unscathed.Everyone buys him a drink.Then he says:"I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try."
After a while,a hand goes up in the back of the bar.Its a blonde woman."I'll give it a try."she says,"but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with a beer bottle." |
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| tommyleon |
Could be his LAST shave!Is that a 70-72 Benz coupe in the background?
How do I attach a picture from a file to a post?
Thanks,
Tom |
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| mdxxxx |
quote:
Originally posted by tommyleon
Could be his LAST shave!Is that a 70-72 Benz coupe in the background?
How do I attach a picture from a file to a post?
Thanks,
Tom
LOL, yup, the shave may end up being a bit too close...
You attach a pic by using the [browse] button located below the reply box. You'll get a window that will allow you to select the appropriate file... I look forward to the pics you'll post...:4: |
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| tommyleon |
| Ok I can get the file in the space next to the browser but I can't get it into the body of the message?I can cut and paste it into the box but when I submit it it says invalid file? |
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| mdxxxx |
quote:
Originally posted by tommyleon
Ok I can get the file in the space next to the browser but I can't get it into the body of the message?I can cut and paste it into the box but when I submit it it says invalid file?
What type of file are you trying to attach? :confused: |
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| tommyleon |
Everything is in "My Documents".I.m using windows 2000 .I can get the file to load in the browser box but when I hit submit nothing happens.I was able to cut and paste the file into the "post Reply" box but it wouldn't send it that way either.
Thanks,
Tom |
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| ghotie |
This isn't a joke, it's real, but I thought I'd share it with you in this thread. A coworker just showed me a memo that he got from a vendor. I didn't read the whole thing, apparently it discussed why something unexpected had happened, but one sentence was just absolutely priceless.
"...we're sorry for any incontinence this may have caused you."
How, prophetic....I almost pee'd my pants laughing!!! |
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| msu79gt82 |
| Please join us this Saturday for an evening of good food and open hostility. |
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| DavidM |
A precious little girl walks into a pet shop and asks, in the sweetest
little
lisp, "Do you keep widdle wabbits?"
The shopkeeper gets down on his knees, so that he's on her level, and =
asks,
"Do you want a widdle white wabby or a thoft and fuwwy bwack wabby, =
or
maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabby over there?"
She puts her hands on her knees, leans forward, and says in a quiet
voice,"I don't fink my pet python weally gives a thit." |
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| DaveI |
| Thong on the beach picture... |
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| zafer |
| Its not always a virgin Mary sighting that makes news! |
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| msu79gt82 |
| Of course with all the heat generated from the blow job the snow people will melt away - but what a way to go:10: :12: |
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| ByeByeChrysler |
| Does he have snowballs? :rolleyes: |
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| BaldEagle |
When Bill and Hillary first got married....
.... Bill said, "I am putting a box under the bed. You must promise never to look in it." In all their 30 years of marriage, Hillary never looked.
However, on the afternoon of their 30th anniversary, curiosity got the best of her and her and she lifted the lid and peeked inside. In the box were 3 empty beer cans and $81,874.25 in cash.
She closed the box and put it back under the bed. Now that she knew what was in the box, she was doubly curious as to why there even was such a box with such contents.
That evening, they were out for a special anniversary dinner. After dinner, Hillary could no longer contain her curiosity and she confessed, saying, "I am so sorry. For all these years, I kept my promise and never looked into the box under our bed. However, today the temptation was too much and I gave in. But now I need to know, why do you keep the 3 beer cans in the box?
Bill thought for a while and said, "I guess after all these years you deserve to know the truth. Whenever I was unfaithful to you, I put an empty beer can in the box under the bed to remind myself not to do it again." Hillary was shocked, but said, "Hmmm, Jennifer, Paula and Monica. I am very disappointed and saddened by your behavior. However, since you are addicted to sex, I guess it does happen and I guess 3 times is not that bad considering your problem."
Bill thanked her for being so understanding. They hugged and made their peace. A little while later Hillary asked Bill, "So why do you have all that money in the box? "
Bill answered, "Well, whenever the box filled up with empty cans, I took them to the recycling center and redeemed them for cash." |
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| tommyleon |
Hey BaldEagle.Great one!
As far as the snow people,a third would really be great!:29: :29:
Nominated for quote of the year is the statement made by Texas congressman Dick Armeywhen asked:
"If you had been in President Clinton's place would you have resigned?"
Armey responded:"If I had been in the President's place I would not have gotten the chance to resign!I would have been laying in a pool of my own blood and looking up and listening to Mrs. Armey saying,"How do I reload this thing?" |
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| tommyleon |
Dear Dad:
A funny thing happened to me yesterday at Camp Bondsteel(Bosnia):A French army officer walked up to me in the PX,and told me he thought we (Americans)were a bunch of cowboys and were going to provoke a war in Iraq.
He said if such a thing happens,we wouldn't be able to count on the support of France.I told him that didn't suprise me.Since we had come to France's rescue in WW I,WW II,Vietnam,and the cold war,their ingratitude and jealousy was due to surface(again) at some point in the near future anyway.
I also told him that is why France is a third-rate military power with a socialist economy and a bunch of pansies for soldiers.I additionally told him that America,being a nation of deeds and action,not words,would do whatever it had to do,and France's support,if it ever came,was only for show anyway.
Just like in ALL NATO exercises,the US would shoulder 85% of the burden,and provide 85% of the support,as evidenced by the fact that this French officer was shopping in the American PX,and not the other way around.
He began to get belligerant at that point,and I told him if he would like to,I would meet him outside in front of the Burger King and whip his ass in front ot the ENTIRE Multi-National Brigade East,thus demonstrating that even the smallest American had more fight in him than the average Frenchman!
He called me a barbarian cowboy and walked away in a huff.With friends like these,who needs enemies?
Dad,tell Mom I love her,
Your loving daughter,
Mary Beth Johnson Lt.Col., USMC :11: :29: |
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| greatscot |
American Tourist in Paris:
How many French soldiers does it take to defend Paris?
French man:
I don't know, it's never been tried. |
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| ByeByeChrysler |
Lets Play "Be a Kosher Millionaire"
> >You have been selected to play "So You Wouldn't Mind Being a Kosher
> >>Millionaire - You Should Only Live So Long." You have three lifelines
> >>to help you, as follows:
>
> >>1. You may call your Rabbi for his opinion.
> >>2. You may ask the congregation for their opinion.
> >>3. You may consider your spouse's opinion ... or not.
> >>
> >>Bonus lifeline! Whether you ask for it or not, your Mother will give
> >>you her opinion.
>
> Lets play:
> >>For $100
> >>Q. What is the name of the Russian Space Station that crashed and
> >>burned on
> >>re-entry?
> >>
> >>A. Oy Veys Mir
> >>
> >>For $200
> >>Q. How does a Jewish woman call her family to dinner?
> >>
> >>A. All right, everybody get in the car.
> >>
> >>For $500
> >>Q. Who is Israel's favorite Internet provider?
> >>
> >>A. Netanyahoo.
> >>
> >>For $1,000
> >>Q. What is the name of a facial lotion made for Jewish women?
> >>
> >>A. Oil of Oy Vey.
> >>
> >>For $2,000
> >>Q. What is the title of the new horror film for Jewish women?
> >>
> >>A. Debbila Does Windows
> >>
> >>For $4,000
> >>Q. What is the technical term for a Jewish woman who catches her
> >>husband in
> >>the act with his secretary?
> >>
> >>A. "The Plaintiff."
> >>
> >>For $8,000
> >>Q. How does a Jewish kid verbally abuse his playmates?
> >>
> >>A. "Nyah Nyah, Your Mother pays retail."
> >>
> >>For $16,000
> >>Q. In the Jewish doctrine, when does the fetus become human?
> >>
> >>A. When it graduates from medical school.
> >>
> >>For $32,000
> >>Q. What do Jewish women do to keep their hands soft and nails long and
> >>beautiful?
> >>
> >>A. Nothing.
> >>
> >>For $64,000
> >>Q. Define "Genius."
> >>
> >>A. A "C" student with a Jewish mother.
> >>
> >>For $125,000
> >>Q. How do you know when a Jewish woman is about to have an orgasm?
> >>
> >>A. She puts down her nail file.
> >>
> >>For $250,000
> >>Q. When should a Moyel retire?
> >>
> >>A. When he can't cut it anymore.
> >>
> >>For $500,000
> >>Q. If Tarzan and Jane were Jewish, what would Cheetah be?
> >>
> >>A. A fur coat.
> >>
> >>For $1,000,000
> >>Q. What is the difference between a Jewish Grandmother and an Italian
> >>Grandmother?
> >>
> >>A. The accent. |
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| dbuono |
Once upon a time in a nice little forest, there lived an orphaned bunny and an orphaned snake. By a surprising coincidence, both were blind from birth.
One day, the bunny was hopping through the forest, and the snake was slithering through the forest, when the bunny tripped over the snake and fell down. This, of course, knocked the snake about quite a bit.
"Oh, my," said the bunny, "I'm terribly sorry. I didn't mean to hurt
you. I've been blind since birth, so, I can't see where I'm going. In
fact, since I'm also an orphan, I don't even know what I am."
"It's quite OK," replied the snake. "Actually, my story is much the same as yours. I, too, have been blind since birth, and also never knew my mother. Tell you what, maybe I could slither all over you, and work out what you are, so at least you'll have that going for you."
"Oh, that would be wonderful" replied the bunny. So the snake slithered all over the bunny, and said, "Well, you're covered with soft fur; you have really long ears; your nose twitches; and you have a soft cottony tail. I'd say that you must be a bunny rabbit."
"Oh, thank you! Thank you," cried the bunny, in obvious excitement. The bunny suggested to the snake, "Maybe I could feel you all over with my paw, and help you the same way that you've helped me."
So the bunny felt the snake all over, and remarked, "Well, you're smooth and slippery, and you have a forked tongue, no backbone and no balls. I'd say you must be French". |
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| greatscot |
quote:
Originally posted by dbuono
Once upon a time in a nice little forest, there lived an orphaned bunny and an orphaned snake. By a surprising coincidence, both were blind from birth.
One day, the bunny was hopping through the forest, and the snake was slithering through the forest, when the bunny tripped over the snake and fell down. This, of course, knocked the snake about quite a bit.
"Oh, my," said the bunny, "I'm terribly sorry. I didn't mean to hurt
you. I've been blind since birth, so, I can't see where I'm going. In
fact, since I'm also an orphan, I don't even know what I am."
"It's quite OK," replied the snake. "Actually, my story is much the same as yours. I, too, have been blind since birth, and also never knew my mother. Tell you what, maybe I could slither all over you, and work out what you are, so at least you'll have that going for you."
"Oh, that would be wonderful" replied the bunny. So the snake slithered all over the bunny, and said, "Well, you're covered with soft fur; you have really long ears; your nose twitches; and you have a soft cottony tail. I'd say that you must be a bunny rabbit."
"Oh, thank you! Thank you," cried the bunny, in obvious excitement. The bunny suggested to the snake, "Maybe I could feel you all over with my paw, and help you the same way that you've helped me."
So the bunny felt the snake all over, and remarked, "Well, you're smooth and slippery, and you have a forked tongue, no backbone and no balls. I'd say you must be French".
:22: This belongs over on the Off Topic thread, click "France, Germany and Russia's interests in the Iraq conflict" there and you'll find other "frenched" comments :D |
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| mdxxxx |
A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the pants.
Don't be irreplaceable, if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.
You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.
Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.
Never ask two questions in a business letter. The reply will discuss the one you are least interested in, and say nothing about the other.
When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves.
If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.
There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when the boss asks for a ride home from the office.
Mother said there would be days like this, but she never said there would be so many.
Keep your boss's boss off your boss's back. This is what I'm doing wrong.
Everything can be filed under "miscellaneous."
Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of a cocktail hour.
To err is human, to forgive is not company policy.
Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he is supposed to be doing.
Important letters that contain no errors will develop errors in the mail.
The last person that quit or was fired will be the one held responsible for everything that goes wrong - until the next person quits or is fired.
There is never enough time to do it right the first time, but there is always enough time to do it over.
The more pretentious a corporate name, the smaller the organization. (For instance, The Murphy Center for Codification of Human and Organizational Law, contrasted to IBM, GM, AT&T ...).
If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it.
You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk.
People are always available for work in the past tense.
If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.
At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the number of pens that person is carrying.
When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.
You will always get the greatest recognition for the job you least like.
No one gets sick on Wednesdays.
When confronted by a difficult problem you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger handle this?"
The longer the title, the less important the job.
Machines that have broken down will work perfectly when the repairman arrives.
An "acceptable" level of employment means that the government economist to whom it is acceptable still has a job.
Once a job is fouled up, anything done to improve it makes it worse.
All vacations and holidays create problems, except for one's own.
Success is just a matter of luck, just ask any failure. |
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| greatscot |
American Tourist lady to Irishman-"What do you wear under your kilt?"
Irishman: "Shoes and socks."
American Tourist lady to Scotsman-"And what's worn under your kilt?"
Scotsman: "Nothing's worn at all, it's all as good as new." |
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| mdxxxx |
George Bush is visiting an elementary school and announces to the class,
"You can all ask me questions."
A boy named Bobby raises his hand and says, "I have 3 questions for you":
1) How did you win the election with less votes than Gore?
2) Isn't it true that you want to declare war on Iraq in order to get oil?
3) Why hasn't the U.S. caught Osama Bin Laden?
Then the bell sounds and all the kids run out to the playground.
15 minutes later the kids come back in class and again Bush says, "You can
all ask me questions."
A boy named Charlie raises his and and says, "I have 5 questions for you":
1) How did you win the election with less votes than Gore?
2) Isn't it true that you want to declare war on Iraq in order to get oil?
3) Why hasn't the U.S. caught Osama Bin Laden?
4) Why did the bell go off 20 minutes early?
5) Where is Bobby?
:2: |
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| laborlitigator |
quote:
Originally posted by zafer
Its not always a virgin Mary sighting that makes news!
I would have loved to model for that. . . |
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| msu79gt82 |
Everything I need to know, I learned from Noah's Ark...
ONE: Don't miss the boat.
TWO: Remember that we are all in the same boat.
THREE: Plan ahead. It wasn't raining when Noah built the Ark.
FOUR: Stay fit. When you're 600 years old, someone may ask you to do something really big.
FIVE: Don't listen to critics; just get on with the job that needs to be done.
SIX: Build your future on high ground (solid rock not sinking sand).
SEVEN: For safety's sake, travel in pairs.
EIGHT: Speed isn't always an advantage; the turtles were on board with the cheetahs.
NINE: When you're stressed, float awhile.
TEN: Remember, the Ark was built by an amateur; the Titanic by professionals.
ELEVEN: No matter the storm, when you are with God, there's always a rainbow waiting. |
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| msu79gt82 |
Question:
You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children. Suddenly, a dangerous looking man with a huge knife comes around the corner and is running at you while screaming obscenities. In your hand is a Glock .40 cal. and you are an expert shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family. What do you do?
Liberal Answer:
Well, that's not enough information to answer the question! Does the man look poor or oppressed? Have I ever done anything to him that is inspiring him to attack? Could we run away? What does my wife think? What about the kids? Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand? What does the law say about this situation? Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me? Does he definitely want to kill me or would he just be content to wound me? If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he was stabbing me? This is all so confusing! I need to debate this with some friends for a few days to try to come to a conclusion.
Conservative Answer:
BANG!
Redneck's Answer:
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! click... (sounds of clip being ejected and fresh clip installed). |
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| mdxxxx |
George W. Bush was giving a third-grader a lesson on politics. First he asked the kid to write "The President" on the blackboard.
Then Bush asked the child what he thought the President should accomplish and the child replied, "Protect the environment and clean up the air."
Dubya countered, "Why should the clouds be white and the water be blue when they could be all kinds of cool colors? Is that so terrible. Can't we agree on it? Can you spell "Is" and "We"?
The boy spells out "Is" then "We" on the blackboard.
"My friends at the oil companies can make chemicals to make trees tall. If fact, they already did. Can you write, "tall" and "did"?
The boy writes the words on the blackboard.
"Now young man, what have you learned from your talk with the President?"
The boys stands up and reads what he has written on the blackboard aloud: "The President is we tall did."
:2: |
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| mdxxxx |
A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office.
After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe stress disorder. If you don't follow my instructions carefully, your husband will surely die.
"Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant at all times. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him.
"Don't burden him with chores. Don't discuss your problems with him; it will only make his stress worse. Do not nag him. Most importantly, make love to him regularly.
"If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely."
On the way home, the husband asked his wife, "What did the doctor say?"
"He said you're going to die," she replied.
:2: |
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| mdxxxx |
An Amish boy and his father were visiting a nearby mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny silver walls that moved apart and back together again by themselves.
The lad asked, "What is this, father?"
The father (having never seen an elevator) responded, "I have no idea what it is."
While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched as small circles lit up above the walls.
The walls opened up again and a beautiful twenty-four-year-old woman stepped out.
The father looked at his son anxiously and said, "Go get your mother."
:2: |
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| ByeByeChrysler |
Giorgio emigrates to the US and has been working his ass off for about 6 months. He walks to work every day and passes a shoe store. Each day he stops, looks in the window and admires a certain pair of BALI leather shoes. After about 2 months he saves the $300.00 the shoes cost and purchases them.
Each Friday night the Italian community gets together at a dance at the church basement, so Giorgio seizes the opportunity to wear his new BALI leather shoes to the dance. He asks Sophia to dance, and as they dance he asks her "Sophia, do youa weara red panties tonight?" Sophia, startled, says "Yes, Giorgio, I do wear red panties tonight, but how do you know?" Giorgio replies, "I see the reflection in my new $300.00 BALI leather shoes! Howa do youa like them?"
Next he asks Rosa to dance. After a few minutes he says to her, "Rosa, do youa weara whita panties tonight?" Rosa answers, "Yes, Giorgio, I do, but how do you know that?" He answers, "I see the reflection in my new $300.00 BALI leather shoes! Howa do youa like them?"
Now the evening is almost over and the last song is being played. Giorgio asks Carmella to dance. Midway through the dance, his face turns red. He says, "Carmella, stilla my heart, pleasa, pleasa tell me youa weara no panties tonight, pleasa, pleasa, tella me this is a true." Carmella answers, "Yes, Yes Giorgio, I wear no panties tonight.." Giorgio gasps and says "Thanka God... I thought I had a CRACK in my $300.00 BALI leather shoes. Howa do youa like them?????" |
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| tommyleon |
| Hi Bye Bye ::29: :29: |
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