| mdxxxx |
A doctor of psychology was doing his normal morning rounds when he entered a patient's room. He found Patient #1 sitting on the floor, pretending to saw a piece of wood in half.
Patient #2 was hanging from the ceiling, by his feet.
The doctor asked patient number 1 what he was doing. The patient replied, "Can't you see I'm sawing this piece of wood in half?" The doctor inquired of Patient #1 what Patient #2 was doing. Patient #1 replied, "Oh. He's my friend, but he's a little crazy. He thinks he's a lightbulb." The doctor looks up and notices Patient #2's face is going all red.
The doctor asks Patient #1, "If he's your friend, you should get him down from there before he hurts himself"
Patient #1 replies, "What? And work in the dark?"
:2: |
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| BaldEagle |
Bridge to Hawaii
A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. All of a sudden, he said out loud, "Lord, grant me one wish."
The sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."
The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over anytime I want."
The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of another wish, a wish you think would honor and glorify me."
The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand women. I want to know how they feel inside, what they are thinking when they give the silent treatment, why they cry, what they mean when they say 'nothing', and how I can make a woman truly happy."
The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four lanes on that bridge?" |
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| mdxxxx |
These are from actual resumes:
"Personal: I'm married with 9 children. I don't require prescription drugs.
"I am extremely loyal to my present firm, so please don't let them know of my immediate availability."
"Qualifications: I am a man filled with passion and integrity, and I can act on short notice. I'm a class act and do not come cheap."
"I intentionally omitted my salary history. I've made money and lost money. I've been rich and I've been poor. I prefer being rich."
"Note: Please don't misconstrue my 14 jobs as 'job-hopping'. I have never quit a job."
"Number of dependents: 40."
"Marital Status: Often. Children: Various."
RESUME BLOOPERS
"Here are my qualifications for you to overlook."
REASONS FOR LEAVING THE LAST JOB:
"Responsibility makes me nervous."
"They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 every morning. Couldn't work under those conditions."
REASONS FOR LEAVING MY LAST JOB:
"Was met with a string of broken promises and lies, as well as cockroaches."
"I was working for my mom until she decided to move."
"The company made me a scapegoat - just like my three previous employers."
JOB RESPONSIBILITIES:
"While I am open to the initial nature of an assignment, I am decidedly disposed that it be so oriented as to at least partially incorporate the experience enjoyed heretofore and that it be configured so as to ultimately lead to the application of more rarefied facets of financial management as the major sphere of responsibility."
"I was proud to win the Gregg Typting Award."
SPECIAL REQUESTS & JOB OBJECTIVES:
"Please call me after 5:30 because I am self-employed and my employer does not know I am looking for another job."
"My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I have no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage."
"I procrastinate - especially when the task is unpleasant."
PHYSICAL DISABILITIES:
"Minor allergies to house cats and Mongolian sheep."
PERSONAL INTERESTS:
"Donating blood. 14 gallons so far."
SMALL TYPOS THAT CAN CHANGE THE MEANING:
"Education: College, August 1880-May 1984."
"Work Experience: Dealing with customers' conflicts that arouse."
"Develop and recommend an annual operating expense fudget."
"I'm a rabid typist."
"Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain operation."
:2: |
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| marktr6 |
[QUOTE]SPECIAL REQUESTS & JOB OBJECTIVES:
"Please call me after 5:30 because I am self-employed and my employer does not know I am looking for another job."
:2: This one really should win an award |
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| msu79gt82 |
quote:
Originally posted by marktr6
SPECIAL REQUESTS & JOB OBJECTIVES:
"Please call me after 5:30 because I am self-employed and my employer does not know I am looking for another job."
:2: This one really should win an award
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| BobnTampa |
Acura Service in the Antarctic:
This penguin goes to the local Antarctic Acura dealer to get some service on his MDX. The service manager says:
“This problem may take a little while to diagnose.”
Penguin says, “OK, I think I’ll take a little stroll.”
While he’s out he comes across an ice cream stand. Being a penguin, he just can’t resist. Problem is he has not hands and gets ice cream all over his nice formal suit.
Back at the Acura dealer, the service manager tells him; “Looks like you blew a seal.”
To which the penguin replies, “Nah, that’s just ice cream.” |
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| ByeByeChrysler |
A man named Mike went over to his friend's house and rang the bell. His friend's wife, Nora, answered the door.
"Hi, is Tony home?" he asked her.
"No, he went to the store."
"Well, you mind if I wait?"
"No, come on in."
They sat down and shortly Mike said, "You know, Nora, you have the greatest breasts I have ever seen. I'd give you a hundred bucks if I could see just one."
Nora thought about this for a second, and thought about how badly they needed the money right now. She opened her robe and exposed one. Mike promptly thanked her and put $100 on the table.
They sat there a while longer, and Mike said, "They are so beautiful! I'd love to see the both of them. I'll give you another 100 bucks if I could just see both of them together."
Nora thought about this for a moment, then opened her robe and gave Mike a nice big look. Mike thanked her and threw another $100 on the table. Then he said he couldn't wait any longer for Tony and left.
A while later, Tony arrived and Nora said, "You know, your weird friend Mike came over while you were gone."
Tony turned and said, "Good. Did he drop off the $200 he owed me?" |
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| mdxxxx |
Recently, the Psychic Hotline and Psychic Friends Network have launched hotlines for frogs. Here is the story of one frog and his discussing with his psychic.
A frog telephones the Psychic Hotline and is told, "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you."
The frog says, "This is great! Will I meet her at a party, or what?"
"No," says the psychic. "Next semester in her biology class."
:2: |
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| tommyleon |
| :mad: They found him alive but missing a leg.How about the 100 impostures.:11: :11: |
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| mdxxxx |
I've been doing a lot of abstract painting lately, extremely abstract. No brush, no paint, no canvas, I just think about it.
My watch is three hours fast, and I can't fix it. So I'm going to move to New York.
I like to reminisce with people I don't know.
I like to skate on the other side of the ice.
I'm so hyper . . . [Said with a very dull voice.]
If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses.
Four years ago . . . No, it was yesterday. Today I . . . No, that wasn't me. Sometimes I . . . No, I don't.
Is it weird in here, or is it just me?
A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said, "Wish you were here."
:2: |
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| msu79gt82 |
If you have raised kids (or been one), and gone through the pet syndrome including toilet-flush burials for dead goldfish, the story below will have you laughing out LOUD!
My son's hamster just got back from the vet. Here's what happened:
Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was "something wrong" with one of the two hamsters he holds prisoner in his room. "He's just lying there looking sick," he told me. "I'm serious, Dad. Can you help?" I put my best hamster-healer statement on my face and followed him into his bedroom. One of the little rodents was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do. "Honey," I called, "come look at the hamster!" "Oh my gosh," my wife diagnosed after a minute. "She's having babies." "What?" my son demanded. "But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!" I was equally outraged. "Hey, how can that be I thought we said we didn't want them to reproduce," I accused my wife. "Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?" she inquired. (I actually think she said this sarcastically!)
"No, but you were supposed to get two boys!" I reminded her, (in my most loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth together). "Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed. "Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know," she informed me. (Again, I think with the more sarcasm.) By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it. "Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience, I announced. "We're about to witness the miracle of birth." "OH, Gross!", they shrieked.
"Well, isn't THAT just Great! What are we going to do with a litter of tiny little hamster babies?" my wife wanted to know. (I really do think she was being snotty here, too. Don't you?) We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later. "We don't appear to be making much progress," I noted.
"It's breech," my wife whispered, horrified. "Do something, Dad!" my son urged. "Okay, okay." Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gingerly tug. It disappeared. I tried several more times with the same results. "Should I call 911?" my eldest daughter wanted to know. "Maybe they could talk us through the trauma." (You see a pattern here with the females in my house?)
"Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly. We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap. Breathe, Ernie, breathe," he urged. "I don't think hamsters do Lamaze," his mother noted to him. (Women can be so cruel to their own young. I mean what she does to me is one thing, but this boy is of her womb, for God's sake.)
The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass. "What do you think, Doc, a c-section?" I suggested scientifically. "Oh, very interesting," he murmured. "Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?" I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside. "Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked. Oh, perfectly," the vet assured us. "This hamster is not in labor. In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen... Ernie IS a boy." "What?" we gasped in confusion "You see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most male species, they um.... um.... masturbate. Just the way he did, lying on his back."
He blushed, glancing at my wife. "Well, you know what I'm saying, Mr.Cameron." We were silent, absorbing this. "So Ernie's just... just... Excited," my wife offered. "Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we understood. More silence. Then my viscous, cruel wife started to giggle. And giggle. And then even laugh loudly. "What's so funny?" I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the woman I married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness. Tears were now running down her face. "It's just... that... I'm picturing you pulling on its... its... teeny little..." she gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more. "That's enough," I warned. We thanked the Veterinarian and hurriedly bundled the hamster and our son back into the car. He was glad everything was going to be okay. "I know Ernie's really thankful for what you've done, Dad," he told me.
"Oh, you have NO idea," my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.
2 - Hamsters - 10 bucks...
1 - Cage - 20 bucks...
Trip to the Vet - 30 bucks...
Pictures of your hubby pulling on the hamster's tiny wacker........
Priceless! |
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| mdxxxx |
Marriage is not a word. It is a sentence--a life sentence.
Marriage is very much like a violin; after the sweet music is over, the strings are attached.
Marriage is love. Love is blind. Therefore, marriage is an institution for the blind.
Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his Bachelor's Degree and the woman gets her Masters.
Marriage is a thing which puts a ring on a woman's finger and two under the man's eyes.
Marriage certificate is just another word for a work permit.
Marriage is not just a having a wife, but also worries inherited forever.
Marriage requires a man to prepare 4 types of "rings":
* The Engagement Ring
* The Wedding Ring
* The Suffe-Ring
* The Endu-Ring
:2: |
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| octavian |
Here are a few people who wished they had thought a little longer before they spoke...
1.I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow
and asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow
job?" I turned around and walked back out and never went back. My
husband didn't say a word... he knew better.
Melinda Lowe, 39, Seguin, TX
2. I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I
was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing
for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking
gentlemen who works at the store. He asked if he could help me.
Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing
with men's balls."
Colleen Collins, 31, Ferndale, MI
3. My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a
variety of nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy
behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, "No, I'm
just looking at your nuts." I turned beet-red and walked away. To
this day, my sister has never let me forget.
Faye Emerick, 34, Ellerslie, MD
4. While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to
release some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to
grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance
from other patrons. I told her that if she did not start behaving
"right now" she would be punished. To my horror, she looked me in
the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, "If you don't let
me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's
pee-pee last night!" The silence was deafening after this
enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were
doing. I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the
bank with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard when the door
closed behind me were screams of laughter.
Amy Richardson,Stafford, Virginia
5. A lady picked up several items at a discount store. When she
finally got up to the checker, she learned that one of her items
had no price tag. Imagine her embarrassment when the checker got on
the intercom and boomed out for all the store to hear, "PRICE CHECK
ON LANE THIRTEEN, TAMPAX SUPER SIZE ."That was bad enough, but
somebody at the rear of the store apparently misunderstood the word
"Tampax" for "THUMBTACKS." In a business-like tone, a voice boomed
back over the intercom. "DO YOU WANT THE KIND YOU PUSH IN WITH YOUR
THUMB OR THE KIND YOU POUND IN WITH A HAMMER?"
Diane E. Amov
6. Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? My
three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I
was on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick
lunch in between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining
room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of
course I checked my seven-month-old daughter, and she was clean.
Then I realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while, so
I asked him if he needed to go, and he said "No." I kept thinking,
"Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any
clothes with me." Then I said, "Danny, are you SURE you didn't have
an accident?" "No," he replied. I just KNEW that he must have had
an accident, because the smell was getting worse. Soooooo, I asked
one more time, "Danny, did you have an accident?" This time he
jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over and spread his cheeks
and yelled. "SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!" While 30 people nearly
choked to death on their tacos laughing! He calmly pulled up his
pants and sat down. An old couple made me feel better by thanking
me for the best laugh they'd ever had!
7. This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a
very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely
think before she speaks. What happens when you predict snow but
don't get any....a true story... We had a female news anchor who,
the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to
the weatherman and asked: "So Bob, where's that 8 inches you
promised me last night?" Not only did HE have to leave the set, but
half the crew did too they were laughing so hard! |
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| msu79gt82 |
| What do you get when cross an insect with an easter bunny? |
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| msu79gt82 |
| Where is the Easter Bunny's favorite place to eat? |
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| ByeByeChrysler |
QUOTE OF THE DAY / YEAR / ERA
"You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, the Swiss hold the America's Cup, France is accusing the U.S. of arrogance, Germany doesn't want to go to war, and the three most powerful men in America are named 'Bush', 'Dick', and 'Colon.'
Need I say more?"
Chris Rock |
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| harmonr1 |
quote:
Originally posted by ByeByeChrysler
...the three most powerful men in America are named 'Bush', 'Dick', and 'Colon.'
:19: :19: |
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| mdxxxx |
quote:
Originally posted by ByeByeChrysler
QUOTE OF THE DAY / YEAR / ERA
"You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, the Swiss hold the America's Cup, France is accusing the U.S. of arrogance, Germany doesn't want to go to war, and the three most powerful men in America are named 'Bush', 'Dick', and 'Colon.'
Need I say more?"
Chris Rock
:21: |
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| mdxxxx |
A little boy, at a wedding looks at his mom and says, "Mommy, why does the girl wear white?"
His mom replies, "The bride is in white because she's happy and this is the happiest day of her life."
The boy thinks about this, and then says, "Well then, why is the boy wearing black?"
:2: |
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| octavian |
| The ex-Iraqui MOI speaketh... |
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| mdxxxx |
These are supposedly actual signs that have appeared at various locations across the United States and rest of the world..
------------------------
In an office: WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN
Outside a farm: HORSE MANURE PER PRE-PACKED BAG DO-IT-YOURSELF
In an office: AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD
On a church door: THIS IS THE GATE OF HEAVEN. ENTER YE ALL BY THIS DOOR.(THIS DOOR IS KEPT LOCKED BECAUSE OF THE DRAFT. PLEASE USE SIDE DOOR.)
Outside a secondhand shop: WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?:2: |
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| marktr6 |
A couple attending an art exhibition at the National Gallery were staring at a portrait that had them completely confused. The painting depicted three very black and totally naked men sitting on a park bench. Two of the figures had black penises, but the one in the middlehad a pink penis.
The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble
interpreting the painting and offered his assessment. He went on for nearly half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual
emasculation of African Americans in a predominately white,
patriarchal society.
In fact," he pointed out, "some serious critics believe that the pink penis also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression
experienced by gay men in contemporary society."
After the curator left, a Scottish man approached the couple and said, "Would you like to know what the painting is really about?"
"Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the gallery?" asked the couple.
"Because I'm the guy who painted it," he replied.
"In fact, there's no African Americans depicted at all. They're just
three Scottish coal-miners. The guy in the middle went home for
lunch." |
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| marktr6 |
GEORGE W. BUSH - We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road or not. The chicken is either with us or it is against us. There is no middle ground here. If the chicken WON'T
willingly cross the road, we will lead a coalition of the willing to escort it.
COLIN POWELL - This is not about whether inspectors made sure the chicken crossed the road, it's about the willingness of the chicken to cross the road voluntarily.
AL GORE - I invented the chicken. I invented the road. Therefore, the chicken crossing the road represented the application of these two different functions of government in a new, reinvented way designed to bring greater services to the American people.
BILL CLINTON - I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What do you mean by chicken? Could you define chicken, please?
RALPH NADER - The chicken's habitat on the original side of the road had been polluted by unchecked industrialist greed. The chicken did not reach the unspoiled habitat on the other side of the road because it was crushed by the wheels of a gas-guzzling
SUV.
PAT BUCHANAN - To steal a job from a decent, hardworking American.
RUSH LIMBAUGH - I don't know why the chicken crossed the road, but I'll bet it was getting a government grant to cross the road, and I'll bet someone out there is already forming a support group to help chickens with crossing-the-road syndrome. How much more of this can real Americans take? Chickens crossing the road paid for by their tax dollars, and when I say tax dollars, I'm talking about your money, money the government took
from you to build roads for chickens to cross.
MARTHA STEWART - No one called to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the farmer's market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.
JERRY FALWELL - Because the chicken was gay! Isn't it obvious? Can't you people see the plain truth in front of your face? The chicken was going to the "other side." That's what they call it, "the other side." Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And, if
you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like "the
other side."
DR. SEUSS - Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed, I've not been told!
ERNEST HEMINGWAY - To die. In the rain. Alone.
MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR. - I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.
GRANDPA - In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.
BARBARA WALTERS - Isn't that interesting? In a few moments we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heartwarming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting and went on to accomplish its life-long dream of crossing the road.
JOHN LENNON - Imagine all the chickens crossing roads in peace.
ARISTOTLE - It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.
KARL MARX - It was a historical inevitability.
SADDAM HUSSEIN - This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.
CAPTAIN KIRK - To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.
FOX MULDER - You saw it cross the road with your own eyes! How many more chickens have to cross before you believe it?
SIGMUND FREUD - The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.
BILL GATES - I have just released e-Chicken 2003, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook --- and Internet Explorer is an inextricable part of e-Chicken.
ALBERT EINSTEIN - Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move beneath the chicken?
JOHNNY COCHRAN - Because the road was black and the chicken was white. We must acquit.
THE BIBLE - And God came down from the heavens, and He said unto the chicken, "Thou shall cross the road." And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.
COLONEL SANDERS - I missed one? |
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| mdxxxx |
An elephant was drinking out of a river one day, when he spotted a turtle asleep on a log. So, he ambled on over and kicked it clear across the river.
"What did you do that for?" Asked a passing giraffe.
"Because I recognized it as the same turtle that took a nip out of my trunk 53 years ago."
"Wow, what a memory" commented the giraffe.
"Yes," said the elephant, "turtle recall".
:2: |
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| mdxxxx |
Satan greets him: "Welcome Mr. Gates, we've been waiting for you. This will be your home for all eternity. You've been selfish, greedy and a big liar all your life. Now, since you've got me in a good mood, I'll be generous and give you a choice of three places in which you'll be locked up forever.
Satan takes Bill to a huge lake of fire in which millions of poor souls are tormented and tortured. He then takes him to a massive coliseum where thousands of people are chased about and devoured by starving lions. Finally, he takes Bill to a tiny room in which there is a bottle of the finest wine sitting on a table. To Bill's delight, he sees a PC in the corner. Without hesitation, Bill says "I'll take this option."
"Fine," says Satan, allowing Bill to enter the room. Satan locks the room after Bill.
As he turns around, he bumps into Lucifer. "That was Bill Gates!" cried Lucifer. "Why did you give him the best place of all!"
"That's what everyone thinks" snickered Satan.
"The bottle has a hole in it!"
"What about the PC?"
"It's got Windows 95!" laughed Satan.
"And it's missing three keys,"
"Which three?"
"Control, Alt and Delete."
:2: |
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| mlkeller |
:21:
...ahhh, the infamous "Three-Finger Salute" :p |
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| msu79gt82 |
A good Irish man, John O'Reilly, met regularly with his toastmasters club. One evening they were hitting the Guinness Stout and having a contest at who could make the best toast. John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life between the legs of me wife!" That won him the top prize for the best toast of the night!
He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of the night." She said, "Aye, what was your toast?"
John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life sitting in church beside me wife." "Oh that is very nice indeed, John!", Mary said.
The next day Mary ran into one of John's toasting buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night with a toast about you Mary." She said, "Aye and I was a bit surprised meself! You know, he's only been there twice! Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ear to make him come." |
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| mdxxxx |
The aspiring psychiatrists were attending their first class on emotional extremes. "Just to establish some parameters," said the professor to the student from Arkansas, "What is the opposite of joy?"
"Sadness," said the student.
And the opposite of depression?" he asked of the young lady from Oklahoma.
"Elation," said she.
"And you sir," he said to the young man from Texas, "how about the opposite of woe?"
The Texan replied, "Sir, I believe that would be giddy-up."
:2: |
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| BaldEagle |
quote:
Originally posted by msu79gt82
A good Irish man, John O'Reilly, met regularly with his .......
:19: :19: A good one, GreatScot needs to see this. |
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| mdxxxx |
A President of a democracy is a man who is always ready, willing, and able to lay down your life for his country.
A backscratcher will always find new itches; a brown-noser will always find new sense.
A bad day fishing is better than a good day at work.
A bird in the bush usually has a friend in there with him.
A bird in the hand is always safer than one overhead.
A clean tie attracts the soup of the day.
A closed mouth gathers no foot
:2: |
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| marktr6 |
| You have Heard of the MOAB? |
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| mdxxxx |
quote:
Originally posted by marktr6
You have Heard of the MOAB?
:13: :19: :21: |
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| octavian |
| "Mother Of All Babes"?:eek: |
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| greatscot |
quote:
Originally posted by BaldEagle
:19: :19: A good one, GreatScot needs to see this.
Yes, my Irish friends have a way with the blarney . . . |
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| BaldEagle |
The Pope is visiting DC and President Bush takes him out for an afternoon on the Potomac...sailing on the presidential yacht.
They're admiring the sights when, all of a sudden, the Pope's hat (zucchetto) blows off his head and out into the water.
Secret service guys start to launch a boat, but Bush waves them off, saying "Wait, wait. I'll take care of this. Don't worry."
Bush then steps off the yacht onto the surface of the water and walks out to the Holy Father's little hat, bends over and picks it up, then walks back to the yacht and climbs aboard. He hands the hat to the Pope amid stunned silence.
The next morning, the Washington Post carries a story, with front page photos, of the event.
The banner headline is: "BUSH CAN'T SWIM" |
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| mdxxxx |
Theorem: 3=4
Proof:
Suppose:
a + b = c
This can also be written as:
4a - 3a + 4b - 3b = 4c - 3c
After reorganizing:
4a + 4b - 4c = 3a + 3b - 3c
Take the constants out of the brackets:
4 * (a+b-c) = 3 * (a+b-c)
Remove the same term left and right:
4 = 3
:2: |
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| ubik |
He he,
looks tricky but then a+b=c which means a+b-c=0 so whole equation is now 4*0=3*0=0...:) |
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| mdxxxx |
quote:
Originally posted by ubik
He he,
looks tricky but then a+b=c which means a+b-c=0 so whole equation is now 4*0=3*0=0...:)
Nice! Your theorem is similar to this one....
All numbers are equal
Theorem: All numbers are equal.
Proof: Choose arbitrary a and b, and let t = a + b. Then
a + b = t
(a + b)(a - b) = t(a - b)
a^2 - b^2 = ta - tb
a^2 - ta = b^2 - tb
a^2 - ta + (t^2)/4 = b^2 - tb + (t^2)/4
(a - t/2)^2 = (b - t/2)^2
a - t/2 = b - t/2
a = b
So all numbers are the same, and math is pointless.
:2: |
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| ubik |
He he he,
looks even trickier...but only if one doesn't take into consideration that the square root of (a-b)^2=both (a-b) and -(a-b) i.e (b-a). Keeping that in mind:
(a-t/2)^2=[a-(a+b)/2]^2=[(a-b)/2]^2
and
(b-t/2)^2=[b-(a+b)/2]/2=[(b-a)/2]^2
which eventually becomes
(a-b)^2=(b-a)^2, now an axiom and not a theory...:) |
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| mdxxxx |
quote:
Originally posted by ubik
He he he,
looks even trickier...but only if one doesn't take into consideration that the square root of (a-b)^2=both (a-b) and -(a-b) i.e (b-a). Keeping that in mind:
(a-t/2)^2=[a-(a+b)/2]^2=[(a-b)/2]^2
and
(b-t/2)^2=[b-(a+b)/2]/2=[(b-a)/2]^2
which eventually becomes
(a-b)^2=(b-a)^2, now an axiom and not a theory...:)
Facinating! :D You got it...
Lets see, how about this...
One equal to one half
Theorem: 1 = 1/2:
Proof:
We can re-write the infinite series 1/(1*3) + 1/(3*5) + 1/(5*7) + 1/(7*9)
+...
as 1/2((1/1 - 1/3) + (1/3 - 1/5) + (1/5 - 1/7) + (1/7 - 1/9) + ... ).
All terms after 1/1 cancel, so that the sum is 1/2.
We can also re-write the series as (1/1 - 2/3) + (2/3 - 3/5) + (3/5 - 4/7)
+ (4/7 - 5/9) + ...
All terms after 1/1 cancel, so that the sum is 1.
Thus 1/2 = 1.
:2: |
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| ubik |
He he,
it gets trickier and trickier... you got me here:) |
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| BLACK-BLING-MDX |
:werd: :awais: what happened to the JOKES?
:p |
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| mdxxxx |
quote:
Originally posted by BLACK-BLING-MDX
:werd: :awais: what happened to the JOKES?
:p
ok.. here you go...
The Procrastinator's creed
1. I believe that if anything is worth doing, it would have been done already.
2. I shall never move quickly, except to avoid more work or find excuses.
3. I will never rush into a job without a lifetime of consideration.
4. I shall meet all of my deadlines directly in proportion to the amount of bodily injury I could expect to receive from missing them.
5. I firmly believe that tomorrow holds the possibility for new technologies, astounding discoveries, and a reprieve from my obligations.
6. I truly believe that all deadlines are unreasonable regardless of the amount of time given.
7. I shall never forget that the probability of a miracle, though infinitesmally small, is not exactly zero.
8. If at first I don't succeed, there is always next year.
9. I shall always decide not to decide, unless of course I decide to change my mind.
10. I shall always begin, start, initiate, take the first step, and/or write the first word, when I get around to it.
11. I obey the law of inverse excuses which demands that the greater the task to be done, the more insignificant the work that must be done prior to beginning the greater task.
12. I know that the work cycle is not plan-start-finish, but is wait-plan-plan.
13. I will never put off until tomorrow, what I can forget about forever.
14. I will become a member of the ancient Order of Two-Headed Turtles (the Procrastinator's Society) if they ever get it organized:2: |
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| marktr6 |
The woman entered the room, and with a knowing smile
teasing her full lips,she sank into the comfort of the
plush chair in the corner. The handsome stranger turned,
having sensed her approach. Locking his steely gray eyes on
hers, he moved slowly toward her, his experienced gaze
measuring her, hypnotizing her with his soft murmurs of
assurance. He sank to his knees before her and without
a word, smoothly released her from her constraining attire.
With a sigh of surrender, she allowed his foreign hands to
unleash her bare flesh. He expertly guided his hands
through this tender, often hidden territory, his movements
deliberate, confident in his ability to satisfy her every need.
Her senses swam. She was overcome with an aching desire that
had gone unfulfilled for so long. And, just as it seemed that
ecstasy was within her grasp, he paused, and for one heart-
stopping moment, she thought, "It's too big! - it will never fit!"
Then, with a sudden rush, it slid into place as if it had
been made only for her. As pleasure and contentment
washed over her, she met his steady gaze, tears of
gratitude shining in her eyes. And he knew it wouldn't be long
before she returned. Oh, yes, this woman would want more. She
would want to do it again and again and again.......................
Don't you just love shopping for shoes ? |
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| marktr6 |
Robin Williams plan ...(Hard to argue with this logic!)
I see a lot of people yelling for peace but I have not heard of one
plan for peace. " Books, not Bombs" won't work. The head mullahs won't let anyone read them. If they do, they poke their eyes out.
Here's the plan:
1) The US will apologize to the world for our "interference" in their affairs, past & present. You know, Hitler, Mussolini and the rest of them 'good old boys'. We will never "interfere" again.
2) We will withdraw our troops from all over the world, starting with Germany, South Korea and the Philippines. They don't want us there. We would station troops at our borders. No more sneaking through holes in the fence.
3) All illegal aliens have 90 days to get their affairs together and leave. We'll give them a free trip home. After 90 days the remainder will be gathered up and deported immediately, regardless of who or where they are. France would welcome them.
4) All future visitors will be thoroughly checked and limited to 90 days unless given a special permit. No one from a terrorist nation would be allowed in. If you don't like it there, change it yourself, don't hide here. Asylum would not ever be available to anyone. We don't need any more cab drivers.
5) No "students" over age 21. The older ones are the bombers. If they don't attend classes, they get a "D" and it's back home baby.
6) The US will make a strong effort to become self sufficient energy wise. This will include developing non polluting sources of energy but will require a temporary drilling of oil in the Alaskan wilderness. The caribou will have to cope for a while.
7) Offer Saudi Arabia and other oil producing countries $10 a barrel for their oil. If they don't like it, we go someplace else.
8) If there is a famine or other natural catastrophe in the world, we will not "interfere," They can pray to Allah or whomever, for seeds, rain, cement or whatever they need. Besides' most of what we give them is stolen or given to their army. The people who need it most get very little, if any anyway.
9) Ship the UN Headquarters to an island some place. We don't need the spies and fair weather friends here. Besides, it would make a good homeless shelter or lockup for illegal aliens.
9b) Use the buildings as replacement for the twin towers.
10) All Americans must go to charm and beauty school. That way, no one can call us "Ugly Americans" any longer.
Now, ain't that a winner of a plan.
"The Statue of Liberty is no longer saying 'Give me your poor, your
tired, your huddled masses.' She's got a baseball bat and she's yelling,
'You want a piece of me?'" |
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| jonnygoodboy |
From an email someone forwarded to me:quote:
The other night, I was invited out for a night with 'the girls.' I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, "I promise!" Well, the hours passed and the champagne was going down way too easily. Around 3 a.m., drunk as a skunk, I headed for home.
Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up
and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly realizing he'd probably wake up, I
cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution (even when smashed), in order to escape a possible conflict with him.
The next morning, my husband asked me what time I got in, and I told him 12:00. He didn't seem disturbed at all. Whew! Got away with that one!
Then he said, "We need a new cuckoo clock."
When I asked him why, he said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said, "Oh, ****," cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the cat and farted."
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| mdxxxx |
One night, this guy come into a bar and asks the bartender for a drink. Then he asks for another. After a couple more drinks, the bartender gets worried.
"What's the matter?" the bartender asks.
"My wife and I got into a fight," explained the guy "and now she isn't talking to me for a whole 31 days."
The bartender thought about this for a while. "But, isn't it a good thing that she isn't talking to you?" asked the bartender.
"Yeah, except today is the last night." :2: |
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| marktr6 |
quote:
Originally posted by jonnygoodboy
From an email someone forwarded to me:
Johnnygoodboy,
Am I missing the puchline here or did you forget to "paste" some of the joke? |
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| jonnygoodboy |
quote:
Originally posted by marktr6
Johnnygoodboy,
Am I missing the puchline here or did you forget to "paste" some of the joke?
Oops! Something about pasting into the "Quote" dialog box. Edited the post to include the entire quote! Sorry! |
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| Guitarmdx |
| Zafer, that is FUNNY!! Thanks! |
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| mdxxxx |
One night a police officer was staking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible DUI violations. At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb and try his keys on five different cars before he found his. The man sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes.
Meanwhile, all the other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally he started his engine and began to pull away. The police officer was waiting for him. As soon as he pulled onto the street, the officer stopped him, read him his rights and administered the breathalyzer test to determine his blood-alcohol content.
The results showed a reading of 0.0.
The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be. The driver replied, "Tonight I'm the designated decoy."
:2: |
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| mdxxxx |
The soldier serving in Hong Kong was annoyed and upset when his girl wrote breaking off their engagement and asking for her photograph back.
He went out and collected from his friends all the unwanted photographs of women that he could find, bundled them all together and sent them back with a note saying, "I regret to inform you that I cannot remember which one is you -- please keep your photo and return the others."
:2: |
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| mdxxxx |
Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?
Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?
Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there?
Why do fat chance and slim chance mean the same thing?
If you can't drink and drive, why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor, and why do bars have parking lots?
Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime?
Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?
How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings?
If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?
:2: |
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| BaldEagle |
| And why do you drive on a parkway and park on a driveway? |
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| mdxxxx |
Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?
If you have your finger touching the rearview mirror that says -- "objects in mirror are closer than they appear", how can that be possible?
Why is it so hard to remember how to spell MNEMONIC?
If someone invented instant water, what would they mix it with?
Why is it called a TV "set" when you only get one?
Why does your nose run and your feet smell?
Why does an alarm clock "go off" when it begins ringing?
If pro is the opposite of con, is progress the opposite of congress?
Why does "cleave" mean both split apart and stick together?
Why is it, whether you sit up or sit down, the result is the same?
:2: |
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| BaldEagle |
quote:
Originally posted by mdxxxx
If pro is the opposite of con, is progress the opposite of congress?
:2:
:19:
Funny but unfortunatly a lot of truth to that. |
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| mdxxxx |
Why is it called a "building" when it is already built?
Why do they call them "apartments" when they are all stuck together?
Why is there an expiration date on SOUR cream?
If you keep trying to prove Murphy's Law, will something keep going wrong?
Why does flammable and inflammable mean the same thing?
How can someone "draw a blank"?
Shouldn't there be a shorter word for "monosyllabic"?
Why is the word "abbreviate" so long?
Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
What is another word for "thesaurus"?
:2: |
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| BaldEagle |
Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on
a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker-function and begins to talk.
MAN: "Hello"
WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
MAN: "Yes"
WOMAN: "I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather
coat. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"
MAN: "Sure, ...go ahead if you like it that much."
WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2003 models. I saw one I really liked."
MAN: "How much?"
WOMAN: "$90,000"
MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing....the house we wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000."
MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer $900,000."
WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you!"
MAN: "Bye, I love you, too."
The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking at him in astonishment. Then he asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?" |
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| mdxxxx |
Two deaf men were in a coffee shop discussing their wives.
One signs to the other, boy was my wife mad at me last night!
She went on and on and wouldn't stop!
The other Buddy says when my wife goes off on me I just don't listen.
How do you do that? Says the other.
It's easy! I turn off the light!
:2: |
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| marktr6 |
A motorcycle policeman was patrolling the highway when
a car passed him doing about 75 miles an hour. The cop
began following the car. Instead of slowing down, the car
picked up speed.
The cop radioed the situation in to his headquarters.
Soon he was joined by a second motorcycle policeman. The
car ahead shot up to 90 miles an hour. A minute later, a
third officer on motorcycle joined the chase.
Suddenly, the car screeched to a stop at a roadside
gas station. A woman jumped out of the car from the
driver's seat and ran into the ladies' room. Ten minutes
later, she innocently walked out.
The three policemen were standing by the car waiting
for her. She didn't bat an eye when she said, "I'll bet
none of you thought I would make it." |
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| mdxxxx |
The following are a sampling of real answers received on exams given by the California Department of Transportation's driving school.
Q: Do you yield when a blind pedestrian is crossing the road?
A: What for? He can't see my license plate.
Q: Who has the right of way when four cars approach a four-way stop at the same time?
A: The pick up truck with the gun rack and the bumper sticker saying, "Guns don't kill people. I do."
Q: When driving through fog, what should you use?
A: Your car.
Q: How can you reduce the possibility of having an accident?
A: Be too drunk to find your keys.
Q: What problems would you face if you were arrested for drunk driving?
A: I'd probably lose my buzz a lot faster.
Q: What changes would occur in your lifestyle if you could no longer drive lawfully?
A: I would be forced to drive unlawfully.
Q: What are some points to remember when passing or being passed?
A: Make eye contact and wave "hello" if she is cute.
Q: What is the difference between a flashing red traffic light and a flashing yellow traffic light?
A: The color.
Q: How do you deal with heavy traffic?
A: Heavy psychedelics.
Q: What can you do to help ease a heavy traffic problem?
A: Carry loaded weapons.
Q: Why would it be difficult to be a police officer?
A: It would be tough to be an idiot all day long.
:2: |
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| ByeByeChrysler |
YOU KNOW YOU'RE ITALIAN WHEN...
- You're 5'4", can bench press 325 pounds, shave twice a day, but you still cry when your mother yells at you.
- Your father owns 5 houses, has $300,000 in the bank, but still drives a 76 Monte Carlo.
- You share a bathroom with your 5 brothers, have no money, but drive a $45,000 Camaro or Firebird.
- Your mechanic, plumber, electrician, accountant and travel agent are all blood relatives.
- You consider dunking a cannoli in an espresso a nutritious breakfast.
- Your 2 best friends are your cousin and your brother-in-law's brother-in-law.
- You are a card-carrying V.I.P at more than 3 strip clubs.
- Despite the hair on your back, you still try to impress the ladies by wearing your "Just do me" tank top to the beach.
- At least 5 of your cousins live on your street.
- All 5 of those cousins are named after your grandfather.
- A high school diploma and 1 year of Nassau Community College has earned you the title of "professor" among your aunts.
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