| ByeByeChrysler |
THE NEW PRIEST
A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.
The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."
So next Sunday he took the monsignors advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm.
Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door:
1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the **** out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.
10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T"
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me."
12. The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry."
13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, yeah God.
14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St.Peter's, not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's. |
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| mdxxxx |
One bright, beautiful Sunday morning, everyone in tiny Jonestown wakes up early and goes to their local church. Before the service starts, the townspeople sit in their pews and talk about their lives and their families.
Suddenly, at the altar, Satan appears!! Everyone starts screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in their determined efforts to get away from Evil Incarnate. Soon, everyone is evacuated from the church except for one man, who sit calmly in his pew, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy is in his presence. This confuses Satan a bit. Satan walks up to the man and says, "Hey, don't you know who I am?" The man says, "Yep, sure do."
Satan says, "Well, aren't you afraid of me?" The man says, "Nope, sure ain't."
Satan, perturbed, says, "And why aren't you afraid of me?" The man says, "Well, I've been married to your sister for 25 years."
:2: |
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| ByeByeChrysler |
quote:
Originally posted by mdxxxx
Satan, perturbed, says, "And why aren't you afraid of me?" The man says, "Well, I've been married to your sister for 25 years."
:2:
:19:
I married the other sister. |
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| mdxxxx |
quote:
Originally posted by ByeByeChrysler
:19:
I married the other sister.
:22: |
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| EXCALIBUR |
The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?"
The man said, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?"
The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed. When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have inter-course," and charged them $50. This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have intercourse with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave.
Finally the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?"
The old man said, "We're not trying to find out anything. She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $90. The Hilton charges $108. We do it here for $50, and I get $43 back from Medicare!" |
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| EXCALIBUR |
A lady walks into a Lexus dealership. She browses around, then spots the perfect car and walks over to inspect it. As she bends to feel the fine leather upholstery, a loud fart escapes her. Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and hopes a sales person doesn't pop up right now. As she turns back, there standing next to her is a salesman. "Good day, Madame. How may we help you today?" Very uncomfortably she asks, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely vehicle?"
He answers, "Madame, I'm very sorry to say that if you farted just touching it, you are going to **** when you hear the price." |
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| mdxxxx |
A man visits the doctor for a checkup, and after some tests, the doctor comes in with a grave look on his face.
Doctor: Well, I have some bad news and some really bad news.
Man: Well, give me the really bad news first.
Doctor: You have cancer, and only 6 months to live.
Man: And the bad news?
Doctor: You have Alzheimer's disease.
Man: That's great. I was afraid I had cancer!
:2: |
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| EXCALIBUR |
Two strangers were seated next to each other on the plane when the first guy turned to the second and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."
The second guy, who had just opened his book, closed it slowly, took off his glasses and said to the first guy, "What would you like to discuss?"
"Oh, I don't know," said the first guy. "How about nuclear power?"
"OK," said the second guy. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first.
"A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass. The same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"
"Jeez," said the first guy. "I have no idea."
"Well, then," said the second guy, "How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know ****?" |
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| mdxxxx |
After all is said and done, usually more is said than done.
After any unit has been completely assembled, extra components will be found on the bench.
Afternoon: that part of the day we spend worrying about how we wasted the morning.
Aiming for the least common denominator sometimes causes division by zero.
All American cars are basically Chevrolets.
All general statements are false; think about it.
All generalizations are false, including this one.
All generalizations are useless, including this one.
All good things must come to an end, I just want to know when they start!
All great discoveries are made by mistake
:2: |
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| EXCALIBUR |
Paddy and his two friends are talking at work. His first friend says, "I think my wife is having an affair with the electrician. The other day I came home and found wire cutters under our bed and they weren't mine."
His second friend says, "I think my wife is having an affair with the plumber. The other day I found a wrench under the bed and it wasn't mine."
Paddy says, "I think my wife is having an affair with a horse." Both his friends look at him with utter disbelief.
"I'm serious. The other day I came home and found a jockey under our bed." |
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| mdxxxx |
The wife says: You want
The wife means: You want
The wife says: We need
The wife means: I want
The wife says: It's your decision
The wife means: The correct decision should be obvious
The wife says: Do what you want
The wife means: You'll pay for this later
The wife says: We need to talk
The wife means: I need to complain
The wife says: Sure... go ahead
The wife means: I don't want you to
The wife says: I'n not upset
The wife means: Of course I'm upset you moron
The wife says: You're ... so manly
The wife means: You need a shave and sweat a lot
The wife says: Be romantic, turn out the lights
The wife means: I have flabby thighs.
The wife says: This kitchen is so inconvenient
The wife means: I want a new house.
The wife says: I want new curtains.
The wife means: Also carpeting, furniture, and wallpaper!
The wife says: I need wedding shoes.
The wife means: The other forty pairs are the wrong shade of white.
The wife says: Hang the picture there
The wife means: No, I mean hang it there!
The wife says: I heard a noise
The wife means: I noticed you were almost asleep.
The wife says: Do you love me?
The wife means: I'm going to ask for something expensive.
The wife says: How much do you love me?
The wife means: I did something today you're not going to like.
The wife says: I'll be ready in a minute.
The wife means: Kick off your shoes and take an hour nap.
The wife says: Am I fat?
The wife means: Tell me I'm beautiful.
The wife says: You have to learn to communicate.
The wife means: Just agree with me.
The wife says: Are you listening to me?
The wife means: [Too late, your doomed.]
The wife says: Yes
The wife means: No
The wife says: No
The wife means: No
The wife says: Maybe
The wife means: No
The wife says: I'm sorry
The wife means: You'll be sorry
The wife says: Do you like this recipe?
The wife means: You better get used to it
The wife says: All we're going to buy is a soap dish
The wife means: I'm coming back with enough to fill this place.
The wife says: Was that the baby?
The wife means: Get out of bed and walk him
The wife says: I'm not yelling!
The wife means: Yes I am! I think this is important!
In answer to the question "What's wrong?"
The wife says: The same old thing.
The wife means: Nothing.
The wife says: Nothing.
The wife means: Everything.
The wife says: Nothing, really.
The wife means: It's just that you're an idiot.
The wife says: I don't want to talk about it.
The wife means: I'm still building up steam.
:2: |
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| cardingtr |
Dear Abby:
I am a crack dealer in New Jersey who has recently been diagnosed as a carrier of the HIV virus. My parents live in a suburb of Philadelphia and one of my sisters, who lives in Bensenville, is married to a transvestite.
My father and mother have recently been arrested for growing and selling marijuana and are currently dependent on my other two sisters, who are prostitutes in Jersey City.
I have two brothers. One is currently serving a non-parole life sentence in Attica for murder of a teenage boy in 1994. The other brother is currently being held in the Wellington Remand Center on charges of sexual misconduct with his three children
I have recently become engaged to marry a former Thai prostitute who lives in the Bronx and is still a part time "working girl" in a brothel.
Her time there is limited as we hope to open our own brothel with her as the working manager. I am hoping my two sisters would be interested in joining our team. Although I would prefer them not to prostitute themselves, it would get them off the street, and hopefully, the heroin habits.
All thing considered, my main problem is this. I love my fiance and look forward to bringing her into the family and I certainly want to be totally honest with her.
Should I tell her about my distant cousin who is French?
Signed,
Worried About My Reputation |
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| mdxxxx |
Lansing Residents Can Drop Off Trees
Farmer Bill Dies in House
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents
Soviet Virgin Lands Short of Goal Again
Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case
Prostitutes Appeal to Pope
Lung Cancer in Women Mushrooms
:2: |
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| EXCALIBUR |
An English lady goes on vacation to the Caribbean wishing her husband had been able to join her. Upon arriving, she meets a black man, and after a night of passionate love making she asks him, "What is your name?"
"I can't tell you" the black man says. Every night they meet and every night she asks him again what his name is and he always responds the same, he can not tell her.
On her last night there she asks again, "Can you please tell me your name?"
"I can't because you will make fun of me" the black man says. "There is no reason for me to laugh at you," the lady says. "Fine, my name is Snow" the black man replies. And the lady bursts into laughter, and the black man gets mad and says, "I knew you would make fun of it" the black man says.
The lady replied, "Its my husband that won't believe me when I tell him that I had 10 inches of Snow everyday in the Caribbean!" |
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| mdxxxx |
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
Eye Drops off Shelf
Teacher Strikes Idle Kids
British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands
Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim
Shot Off Woman's Leg Helps Nicklaus to 66
Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Ax
Reagan Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead
Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
:2: |
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| marktr6 |
An eighteen-year-old girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period
for two months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a
pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.
Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did
this to you? I want to know!
The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later a
Ferrari stops in front of their house; a mature and distinguished man
with gray hair and impeccably dressed in a very expensive suit steps
out of it and enters the house. He sits in the living room with the
father, the mother and the girl, and tells them:
"Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. However, I
can't marry her because of my personal family situation, but I'll take
charge.
If a girl is born I will bequeath her 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a
beach villa and a $1,000,000 bank account.
If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a
$2,000,000 bank account.
If it is twins, a factory and $1,000,000 each.
However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?"
At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand
firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him, "You'll f**k her again!" |
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| hammermdx |
| This one is a classic! |
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| ByeByeChrysler |
quote:
Originally posted by marktr6
However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?"
At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand
firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him, "You'll f**k her again!"
:19: :19:
ROTFLMAO |
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| mdxxxx |
quote:
Originally posted by marktr6
...At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand
firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him, "You'll f**k her again!"
:19: :21: |
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| EXCALIBUR |
A man went to see his doctor. He had a bad case of piles, causing him excruciating pain. The doctor gave him a case of suppositories. The doctor asked the man if he would like him to put the first one in for him. A little embarrassed, the man agreed. He bent over and held his breath. He felt a sharp pain, then the doctor said, "Right, your done. Insert the next one in about five hours. If you can't mange it yourself, ask your wife to give you a hand."
The man went home and laid down to recover from the experience. About five hours later, he tried to put the suppository in himself, but he couldn't get the angle quite right, so he asked his wife to help him. She told him to bend over, and put a hand on his shoulder to steady him. When she stuck it in him, he let out a scream.
"Sorry! Did I hurt you? I was as gentle as I could be," his wife said.
"It's not that," he said. He stood up and looked at her. His face was as white as a ghost.
His wife asked him, "What is it then?"
He replied, "When the doctor did it for me, he had both his hands on my shoulders." |
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| mdxxxx |
Doctor: I have some bad news and some very bad news.
Patient: Well, might as well give me the bad news first.
Doctor: The lab called with your test results. They said you have 24 hours to live.
Patient: 24 hours! That's terrible! What could be worse? What's the very bad news?
Doctor: I've been trying to reach you since yesterday
:2: |
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| DaleB |
Do you know why the blonde had TGIF written on top of her shoes?
Toes Go In First |
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| mdxxxx |
Artery -- Study of paintings
Bacteria -- Back door of cafeteria
Barium -- What doctors do when treatment fails
Bowel -- Letter like A.E.I.O.U
Caesarean section -- District in Rome
Cat scan -- Searching for kitty
Cauterize -- Made eye contact with her
Colic -- Sheep dog
Coma -- A punctuation mark
Congenital -- Friendly
D&C -- Where Washington is
Diarrhea -- Journal of daily events
Dilate -- To live long
Enema -- Not a friend
Fester -- Quicker
Fibula -- A small lie
G.I. Series -- Soldiers' ball game
Grippe -- Suitcase
Hangnail -- Coathook
Impotent -- Distinguished, well known
Intense pain -- Torture in a teepee
Labor pain -- Got hurt at work
Medical staff -- Doctor's cane
Morbid -- Higher offer
Nitrate -- Cheaper than day rate
Node -- Was aware of
Outpatient -- Person who had fainted
Pelvis -- Cousin of Elvis
Post operative -- Letter carrier
Protein -- Favoring young people
Rectum -- It almost killed him
Recovery room -- Place to do upholstery
Rheumatic -- Amorous
Scar -- Rolled tobacco leaf
Secretion -- Hiding anything
Seizure -- Roman emperor
Serology -- Study of knighthood
Tablet -- Small table
Terminal illness -- Sickness at airport
Tibia -- Country in North Africa
Tumor -- An extra pair
Urine -- Opposite of you're out
Varicose -- Located nearby
Vein -- Conceited
:2: |
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| cardingtr |
Someone who teaches at a Middle School in Safety Harbor, Florida forwarded the following letter. The letter was sent to the principal's office after the school had sponsored a luncheon for the elderly.
A sweet old lady had been given a new radio at the lunch, and was writing to say thanks.
This story is a credit to all human kind. Forward to anyone you know who might need a lift today!
Dear Safety Harbor Middle School:
God blesses you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent senior citizens luncheon. I am 84 years old and live at the Safety Harbor Assisted Home for the Aged. All of my family has passed away. I am all alone now and it's nice to know that someone is thinking of me. God bless you for your kindness to an old forgotten lady.
My roommate is 95 and always had her own radio, but before I received one, she would never let me listen to hers, even when she was napping. The other day her radio fell off the nightstand and broke into a lot of pieces. It was awful and she was in tears. She asked if she could listen to mine, and I said screw you.
Life is good.
Sincerely, Edna |
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| mdxxxx |
A blonde once got lost near a river. She traveled up and down it searching for a way to get to the other side.
She tried walking in the shallow part of the river, and she even tried grabbing onto a branch that stretched half way across the river to try to swing to the other side. No matter how hard she tried she couldn't get across.
After many failed attempts, she finally felt like giving up. Yet, at the last moment, she saw a person walking by and decided to follow her--across the bridge.
:2: |
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| RipRocK |
| mdxxxx, hat was waaaay tooooo funny. I cut&pasted it and emailed it to my brother who's a doctor. I'm sure he'll get a kick out of that. |
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| rjmitche |
Four men went golfing one day. Once on the
course, three of them headed to the first
tee and the fourth went into the clubhouse
to take care of the bill.
The three men started talking, bragging
about their sons.
The first man told the others, "My son is
a builder and he is so successful that he
gave a friend a brand new house for free."
The second man said, "My son is a car
salesman and owns a huge dealership. He's
so successful that he gave a friend a
brand new BMW with all the extras."
The third man, not wanting to be outdone,
bragged, "My son is a stockbroker and he's
doing so well that he gave his friend an
entire stock portfolio worth $100,000."
It was at this point that the fourth man
joined them on the tee.
The first man mentioned, "We are just
talking about our sons. How is yours doing?"
The fourth man replied, "Well, my son is gay
and dances in a gay bar."
The three friends looked down at the grass
and smirked.
The fourth man carried on, "Admittedly I'm
not totally thrilled about the dancing job,
but he must be doing pretty good. His last
three boyfriends gave him a house, a brand
new BMW and a stock portfolio worth $100,000.
:2: |
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| mdxxxx |
An American automobile company and a Japanese auto company decided to have a competitive boat race on the Detroit River. Both teams practiced hard and long to reach their peak performance. On the big day, they were as ready as they could be.
The Japanese team won by a mile.
Afterwards, the American team became discouraged by the loss and their morale sagged. Corporate management decided that the reason for the crushing defeat had to be found. A Continuous Measurable Improvement Team of "Executives" was set up to investigate the problem and to recommend appropriate corrective action.
Their conclusion: The problem was that the Japanese team had 8 people rowing and 1 person steering, whereas the American team had 1 person rowing and 8 people steering. The American Corporate Steering Committee immediately hired a consulting firm to do a study on the management structure.
After some time and billions of dollars, the consulting firm concluded that "too many people were steering and not enough rowing." To prevent losing to the Japanese again next year, the management structure was changed to "4 Steering Managers, 3 Area Steering Managers, and 1 Staff Steering Manager" and a new performance system for the person rowing the boat to give more incentive to work harder and become a six sigma performer. "We must give him empowerment and enrichment." That ought to do it.
The next year the Japanese team won by two miles.
The American Corporation laid off the rower for poor performance, sold all of the paddles, cancelled all capital investments for new equipment, halted development of a new canoe, awarded high performance awards to the consulting firm, and distributed the money saved as bonuses to the senior executives.
:2: |
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| octavian |
| I am kinda working backwards....mdxxxxxx, love your blonde MD definitions....hoot!:2: |
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| mdxxxx |
A blonde quickly went out to her mail box, looked in it, closed the door of the box, and went back in the house. A few minutes later she repeated this process by checking her mail again.
She did this five more times, and her neighbor that was watching her commented: "You must be expecting a very important letter today the way you keep looking into that mail box."
The blonde answered, "No, I am working on my computer, and it keeps telling me that I have mail." :2: |
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| EXCALIBUR |
| Joan, who was a rather well-proportioned secretary, spent almost all of her vacation sunbathing on the roof of her hotel. She wore a bathing suit the first day, but on the second, she decided that no one could see her way up there, and she slipped out of it for an overall tan. She'd hardly begun when she heard someone running up the stairs. She was lying on her stomach, so she just pulled a towel over her rear. "Excuse me, miss," said the flustered assistant manager of the hotel, out of breath from running up the stairs. "The Hilton doesn't mind your sunbathing on the roof, but we would very much appreciate your wearing a bathing suit as you did yesterday." "What difference does it make?" Joan asked rather calmly. "No one can see me up here, and besides, I'm covered with a towel." "Not exactly," said the embarrassed man. "You're lying on the dining room skylight.":D |
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| mdxxxx |
A blonde, a brunette, a movie star, the pope, and a pilot were on a plane.
The plane was going down fast, and there were only four parachutes for all five of them.
The pilot took one and jumped, then the movie star took one and jumped, and then the blonde took one and jumped.
The pope told the brunette to take the last one.
The brunette said, "There are still 2 parachutes left! The blonde took my backpack!"
:2: |
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| mdxxxx |
A Teenager is...
A person who can't remember to walk the dog but never forgets a phone number.
A weight watcher who goes on a diet by giving up candy bars before breakfast.
A youngster who receives his/her allowance on Monday, spends it on Tuesday, and borrows from his/her best friend on Wednesday.
Someone who can hear a song by Madonna played three blocks away but not his mother calling from the next room.
A whiz who can operate the latest computer without a lesson but can't make a bed.
A student who will spend 12 minutes studying for her history exam and 12 hours for her driver's license.
A youngster who is well informed about anything he doesn't have to study.
An enthusiast who has the energy to ride a bike for miles, but is usually too tired to dry the dishes.
A connoisseur of two kinds of fine music: Loud and Very Loud.
A young woman who loves the cat and tolerates her brother.
A person who is always late for dinner but always on time for a rock concert.
A romantic who never falls in love more than once a week.
A budding beauty who never smiles until her braces come off.
A boy who can sleep until noon on any Saturday when he suspects the lawn needs mowing.
An original thinker who is positive that her mother was never a teenager.
:2: |
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| EXCALIBUR |
A man and his wife are returning from holiday, while on holiday they decided to buy themselves some pets, he bought a snake while the woman got a skunk.
As they are passing through airport control they notice a sign which says: "NO ANIMALS WILL BE ALLOWED THROUGH QUARANTINE"
Slightly distressed the woman turns to her husband and asks what they should do. After thinking hard for 5 minutes the man come up with a plan:
"what I'll do is tie the snake around my waist and try to pretend that it's a snake skin belt"
"Yes" the woman replies "but what about the skunk?"
"I don't know, you'll just have to hide it up your skirt"
"but what about the smell?" the woman asks.
To which the man replies "Look, if it dies it dies!":bonk: |
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| cardingtr |
quote:
Originally posted by EXCALIBUR
A man and his wife are returning from holiday, while on holiday they decided to buy themselves some pets, he bought a snake while the woman got a skunk.
As they are passing through airport control they notice a sign which says: "NO ANIMALS WILL BE ALLOWED THROUGH QUARANTINE"
Slightly distressed the woman turns to her husband and asks what they should do. After thinking hard for 5 minutes the man come up with a plan:
"what I'll do is tie the snake around my waist and try to pretend that it's a snake skin belt"
"Yes" the woman replies "but what about the skunk?"
"I don't know, you'll just have to hide it up your skirt"
"but what about the smell?" the woman asks.
To which the man replies "Look, if it dies it dies!":bonk:
:21: |
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| mdxxxx |
quote:
Originally posted by EXCALIBUR
A man and his wife are returning from holiday, while on holiday they decided to buy themselves some pets, he bought a snake while the woman got a skunk.
As they are passing through airport control they notice a sign which says: "NO ANIMALS WILL BE ALLOWED THROUGH QUARANTINE"
Slightly distressed the woman turns to her husband and asks what they should do. After thinking hard for 5 minutes the man come up with a plan:
"what I'll do is tie the snake around my waist and try to pretend that it's a snake skin belt"
"Yes" the woman replies "but what about the skunk?"
"I don't know, you'll just have to hide it up your skirt"
"but what about the smell?" the woman asks.
To which the man replies "Look, if it dies it dies!":bonk:
:19: :19: |
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| mdxxxx |
A man enters a barber shop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks.
"I have just the thing," says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. "Just place this between your cheek and gum."
The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced. After a few strokes the client asks in garbled speech.
"And what if I swallow it?"
"No problem," says the barber. "Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does."
:2: |
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| TheWorm |
quote:
Originally posted by mdxxxx
"No problem," says the barber. "Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does."
:2:
Blahecch! :D
Excaliber -- your "if it dies it dies" one was great, among many others of course.
I suck at remembering jokes. Where are you guys getting these? |
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| greatscot |
quote:
Originally posted by octavian
Optical Illusion
Click here: http://home.mn.rr.com/t1camp1/Focus.swf
I am fully behind baldeagle on this one....:2:
I was the "butt" of that one :eek: |
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| mdxxxx |
Three ladies were discussing the travails of getting older. One said, "Sometimes I catch myself with a jar of mayonnaise in my hand, while standing in front of the refrigerator, and I can't remember whether I need to put it away, or start making a sandwich."
The second lady chimed in with, "Yes, sometimes I find myself on the landing of the stairs and can't remember whether I was on my way up or on my way down."
The third one responded, " Well, ladies, I'm glad I don't have that problem. Knock on wood," as she rapped her knuckles on the table, and then said, "That must be the door, I'll get it!"
:2: |
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| BaldEagle |
quote:
Originally posted by TheWorm
Blahecch! :D
Excaliber -- your "if it dies it dies" one was great, among many others of course.
I suck at remembering jokes. Where are you guys getting these?
Can't remember.:2: |
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| BaldEagle |
A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was a very good looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.
Two men applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk. She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied, she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk. He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well.
Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels."
The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night. However, one o'clock came and he didn't return. Two o'clock and no hired hand. He returned around two-thirty and found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace.
She quietly called him over to her.
"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said. Trembling, he did as she directed.
"Now take off my boots." He did so, slowly.
"Now take off my socks." He did.
"Now take off my skirt." He did.
"Now take off my bra." Again with trembling hands he did as he was told.
"Now," she said, "take off my panties." He slowly pulled them down and off.
Then she looked at him and said,
"If you ever wear my clothes to town again, I'll fire you on the spot!" |
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| cardingtr |
quote:
Originally posted by BaldEagle
A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was a very good looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.
Two men applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk. She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied, she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk. He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well.
Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels."
The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night. However, one o'clock came and he didn't return. Two o'clock and no hired hand. He returned around two-thirty and found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace.
She quietly called him over to her.
"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said. Trembling, he did as she directed.
"Now take off my boots." He did so, slowly.
"Now take off my socks." He did.
"Now take off my skirt." He did.
"Now take off my bra." Again with trembling hands he did as he was told.
"Now," she said, "take off my panties." He slowly pulled them down and off.
Then she looked at him and said,
"If you ever wear my clothes to town again, I'll fire you on the spot!"
:21: |
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| Blueflame |
RE: KICK UP YOUR HEEL
:2: :2: :) :21: |
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| mdxxxx |
A man and a little boy entered a barbershop together. After the man received the full treatment - shave, shampoo, manicure, haircut, etc. - he placed the boy in the chair.
"I'm goin' to buy a green tie to wear for the parade," he said. "I'll be back in a few minutes."
When the boy's haircut was completed and the man still hadn't returned, the barber said, "Looks like your daddy's forgotten all about you." "That wasn't my daddy," said the boy. "He just walked up, took me by the hand and said, 'Come on, son, we're gonna get a free haircut!'"
:2: |
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| EXCALIBUR |
A kid comes home from school and says to his mom, "Mom I've got a problem."
She says "Tell me." He tells her that the boys at school are using 2 words he doesn't understand. She asks him what they are.
He says "well, pussy and b****".
She says "Oh That's no big deal, pussy is a cat like our little Mittens, and b**** is a female dog like our Sandy."
He thanks her and goes to visit dad in the workshop in the basement. He says to his dad, "Dad the boys at school are using words I don't know, and I asked mom and I don't think she told me the exact meaning.
Dad says "Son, I told you never to go to mom with these matters, she cant handle them. What are the words?"
He tells him...pussy and b****.
Dad says "OK" and pulls a Playboy down from the shelf, takes a marker and circles the pubic area of the centerfold and says, "son, everything inside this circle, is pussy."
"OK dad, so what's a b****?"
"Son" he says, "everything outside that circle.":D |
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| mdxxxx |
Two deaf men were in a coffee shop discussing their wives.
One signs to the other, boy was my wife mad at me last night!
She went on and on and wouldn't stop!
The other Buddy says when my wife goes off on me I just don't listen.
How do you do that? Says the other.
It's easy! I turn off the light!
:2: |
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| BklynMDX |
A woman gets home, screeches her car into the driveway, runs into the house, slams the door and shouts at the top of her lungs, "Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!"
The husband says, 'Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?"
"Doesn't matter," she says. "Just get out." |
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| mdxxxx |
A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street.
"But, officer," the man began, "I can explain"
"Just be quiet," snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back."
"But, officer, I just wanted to say"
"And I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!"
A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you that the chief's at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back."
"Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell. "I'm the groom."
:2: |
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| marktr6 |
EVENING CLASSES FOR MEN
Topic 1. How to fill ice-cube trays. Step by step with slide presentation.
Topic 2. Lavatory paper rolls: do they grow on the holders? Round-table discussion.
Topic 3: Differences between the laundry basket and he floor. Pictures and explanatory graphics.
Topic 4. The after-dinner dishes and silverware: can they levitate and fly into the kitchen sink? Examples on video.
Topic 5. Loss of identity: losing the remote to your significant other. Helpline and support groups.
Topic 6. Learning how to find things, starting with looking in the right place instead of turning the house upside down while screaming. Open forum.
Topic 7. Health watch: bringing her flowers is not harmful to your health. Graphics and audio tape.
Topic 8. Real men ask for directions when lost. Real-life testimonials.
Topic 9. Is it genetically impossible to sit quietly as she parallel parks? Driving simulation.
Topic 10. Learning to live: basic differences between mother and wife. Online class and role playing.
Topic 11. How to be the ideal shopping companion. Relaxation exercises, meditation and breathing techniques.
Topic 12. How to fight cerebral atrophy: remembering birthdays, anniversaries, other important dates and calling when you're going to be late. Cerebral shock therapy sessions and full lobotomies offered.
EVENING CLASSES FOR WOMEN
Women think they already know everything, but wait...training courses are now available for women on the following subjects:
1. Silence, the Final Frontier: Where No Woman Has Gone Before
2. The Undiscovered Side of Banking: Making Deposits
3. Parties: Going Without New Outfits
4. Man Management: Minor Household Chores Can Wait Till After The Game
5. Bathroom Etiquette I: Men Need Space in the Bathroom Cabinet Too
6. Bathroom Etiquette II: His Razor is His
7. Communication Skills I: Tears - The Last Resort, not the First
8. Communication Skills II : Thinking Before Speaking
9. Communication Skills III: Getting What you Want Without Nagging
10. Driving a Car Safely: A Skill You CAN Acquire
11. Telephone Skills: How to Hang Up
12. Introduction to Parking
13. Advanced Parking: Backing Into a Space
14. Water Retention: Fact or Fat
15. Cooking I: Bringing Back Bacon, Eggs and Butter
16. Cooking II: Bran and Tofu are Not for Human Consumption
17. Cooking III: How not to Inflict Your Diets on Other People
18. Compliments: Accepting Them Gracefully
19. PMS: Your Problem . . . Not His
20. Dancing: Why Men Don't Like To
21. Classic Footwear: Wearing Shoes You Already Have
22. Household Dust: A Harmless Natural Occurrence Only Women Notice
23. Integrating Your Laundry: Washing It All Together
24. Oil and Gas: Your Car Needs Both
25. TV Remotes: For Men Only |
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| mdxxxx |
Jill tells her husband, "Jack, that young couple that just moved in next door seem such a loving twosome. Every morning, when he leaves the house, he kisses her goodbye, and every evening when he comes homes, he brings her a dozen roses.
Now, why can't you do that?"
"Gosh," Jack says, "why I hardly know the girl."
:2: |
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| mdxxxx |
A lawyer opened the door of his BMW, when suddenly a car came along and hit the door, ripping it off completely.
When the police arrived at the scene, the lawyer was complaining bitterly about the damage to his precious BMW.
"Officer, look what they've done to my Beeeeemer!!!", he whined.
"You lawyers are so materialistic, you make me sick!!!", retorted the officer. "You're so worried about your stupid BMW, that you didn't even notice that your left arm was ripped off!"
"Oh no!", replied the lawyer, finally noticing the bloody left shoulder where his arm once was.
"Where's my Rolex???!!!"
:2: |
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| hammermdx |
I was happy. My girlfriend and I were dating for over a year, and had decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend? She was a dream! There was only one thing bothering me, and that was my mother-in-law to be. She was a career woman, smart, but most of all beautiful and sexy, and she sometimes flirted with me, which made me feel uncomfortable.
One day she called me and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. So I went. She was alone, and when I arrived, she whispered to me, that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome.
So before I got married and committed my life to her daughter, she wanted to make love to me just once..
What could I say? I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. So, she said, "I'll go to the bedroom, and if you are up for it, just come and get me."
I stood there for a moment, then turned around and went to the front door... I opened it, and stepped out of the house.
Her husband was standing outside, and with tears in his eyes, he hugged me and said, "We are very happy and pleased. You have passed our little test. We couldn't have asked for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family!
Moral of the story: Always keep your condoms in your car. |
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| mdxxxx |
A man and woman where on their honeymoon after a long and very happy courtship. On their honeymoon, they decide to take their horses through the beautiful mountain passes of Europe. As the horses were crossing a small stream, the woman's horse mis-steps and jostles the man's wife. Once across the stream, the man dismounts, walks over to the horse, and stares into its eyes. Finally, he states, "That's one." The man remounts his horse and they continue their ride.
A bit further down the path, the woman's horse stumbles when stepping over a fallen tree. The man dismounts, stares the horse in the eyes, and boldly states, "That's two!" He returns to his saddle and they move on.
As the afternoon sun began to set, the woman's horse once again lost its footing on a mossy slope. The man dismounts, moves to the woman's horse, and helps his wife out of the saddle the man. Moving to the front of the horse he stares it in the eyes and firmly says, "That's three," removes a pistol from his vest, and shots the horse dead.
The woman, quite upset at seeing the beautiful horse killed, says to her husband, "That's terrible, why would you do such a thing!"
The man stares at his wife and firmly says, "That's one!"
:2: |
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| rjmitche |
quote:
Originally posted by hammermdx
I was happy. My girlfriend and I were dating for over a year, and had decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend? She was a dream! There was only one thing bothering me, and that was my mother-in-law to be. She was a career woman, smart, but most of all beautiful and sexy, and she sometimes flirted with me, which made me feel uncomfortable.
One day she called me and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. So I went. She was alone, and when I arrived, she whispered to me, that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome.
So before I got married and committed my life to her daughter, she wanted to make love to me just once..
What could I say? I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. So, she said, "I'll go to the bedroom, and if you are up for it, just come and get me."
I stood there for a moment, then turned around and went to the front door... I opened it, and stepped out of the house.
Her husband was standing outside, and with tears in his eyes, he hugged me and said, "We are very happy and pleased. You have passed our little test. We couldn't have asked for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family!
Moral of the story: Always keep your condoms in your car.
:D Hey... that one sounds familiar:
http://www.acuramdx.org/forums/show...85400#post85400quote:
Originally posted by msu79gt82
Dear Abby:
I have been engaged for almost a year. I am to be married next month. My fiancée’s mother is not only very attractive but really great and understanding. She is putting the entire wedding together and invited me to her place to go over the invitation list because it had grown a bit beyond what we had expected it to be. When I got to her place we reviewed the list and trimmed it down to just under a hundred ... then she floored me. She said that in a month I would be a married man and that before that happened, she wanted to have sex with me. Then she just stood up and walked to her bedroom and on her way said that I knew where the front door was if I wanted to leave.
I stood there for about five minutes and finally decided that I knew exactly how to deal with this situation. I headed straight out the front door...
There, leaning against my car was her husband, my father-in-law to be. He was smiling. He explained that they just wanted to be sure I was a good kid and would be true to their little girl. I shook his hand and he congratulated me on passing their little test.
Abby, should I tell my fiancée' what her parents did, and that I thought their "little test" was asinine and insulting to my character? Or should I keep the whole thing to myself including the fact that the reason I was walking out to my car was to get a condom?
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| hammermdx |
| Oops sorry about that, I just got it today in an email. |
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| TheWorm |
Old, no doubt, but not posted yet (at least not this year...)
Did you hear that Monica Lewinsky has registered as a Replubican?
The Democrats left a bad taste in her mouth. |
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| TheWorm |
quote:
Originally posted by mdxxxx
A lawyer opened the door of his BMW, when suddenly a car came along and hit the door, ripping it off completely.
When the police arrived at the scene, the lawyer was complaining bitterly about the damage to his precious BMW.
"Officer, look what they've done to my Beeeeemer!!!", he whined.
"You lawyers are so materialistic, you make me sick!!!", retorted the officer. "You're so worried about your stupid BMW, that you didn't even notice that your left arm was ripped off!"
"Oh no!", replied the lawyer, finally noticing the bloody left shoulder where his arm once was.
"Where's my Rolex???!!!"
:2:
ROTFL - classic! |
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| mdxxxx |
The below excerpts appeared in the Salt Lake Tribune. They were taken from real court records.
----
Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, in most cases he just passes quietly away and doesn't know anything about it until the next morning?
Q: What happened then?
A: He told me, he says, "I have to kill you because you can identify me."
Q: Did he kill you?
Was it you or your brother that was killed in the war?
The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?
Were you alone or by yourself?
Q: I show you Exhibit 3 and ask you if you recognize that picture?
A: That's me.
Q: Were you present when that picture was taken?
Were you present in court this morning when you were sworn in?
Q: You say that the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?
Q: Now then, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
Q: Do you know how far pregnant you are now?
A: I'll be three months on March 12th.
Q: Apparently then, the date of conception was around January 12th?
A: Yes.
Q: What were you doing at that time?
Do you have any children or anything of that kind?
Was that the same nose you broke as a child?
Q: Mrs. Jones, do you believe you are emotionally stable?
A: I used to be.
Q: How many times have you committed suicide?
So, you were gone until you returned?
You don't know what it was, and you didn't know what it looked like, but can you describe it?
Q: Have you lived in this town all your life?
A: Not yet.
A Texas attorney, realizing he was on the verge of unleashing a stupid question, interrupted himself and said, "Your Honor, I'd like to strike the next question."
Q: Do you recall approximately the time that you examined that body of Mr. Huntington at St. Mary's Hospital?
A: It was in the evening. The autopsy started about 5:30 P.M.
Q: And Mr. Huntington was dead at the time, is that correct?
A: No, you idiot, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was performing an autopsy on him!
:2: |
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| octavian |
| "mdxxxxxxxxxxxx, I find your above joke about Texas attorneys to be..." :2: |
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