| ByeByeChrysler |
NASA = need another seven astronauts
:28: |
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| paulp |
Jim gave his daughter a note before leaving his ranch on a business trip. “This is the price list if anyone asks,” he said.
While Jim was away, his son spent all day long with the girl down the road. The father of the girl got upset, so he went looking for Jim the next day.
He came knocking on the door. “Is Jim home?” the man asked.
“No, he went to town for couple of days,” Jim’s daughter answered.
“What do you need?” she added.
“I want to talk with him about your brother and my daughter, ok!” he said angrily.
“Oh wait!” She pulled out the note and read quiclky. “You definitely have to wait for my father. He only gave me the stud fees for horse and cow before he left. I don’t know how much he wants for my brother!” |
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| mdxxxx |
A man walks into a bar, and as he makes his way to the counter, he stops and talks to everyone in the bar. As he finishes with each group of people, they all get up and leave and go stand outside the window, looking in. Finally, the bar is empty except for this guy and the bartender. The man walks up to the counter, and says to the bartender, "I bet you $1,000 that I can spray beer from my mouth into a shot glass from thirty feet away, and not get any outside the glass."
The bartender thinks that this guy is a nutcase, but he wants his $1,000, so he agrees. The bartender gets out a shot glass, paces off thirty feet, and the contest begins. The man sprays beer all over the bar. He doesn't even touch the shot glass. When he finishes, the bartender looks at him and says, "Well, I guess you owe me $1,000, huh?"
The man answers, "Yeah, but I bet all of those people outside the window $500 a piece that I could come in here and spray beer all over the bar."
:2: |
|
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| EXCALIBUR |
The Smith's were shown into the dentist's office, where Mr. Smith made it clear he was in a big hurry. "No fancy stuff, Doctor," he ordered. "No gas or needles or any of that stuff. Just pull the tooth and get it over with."
"I wish more of my patients were as brave as you," said the dentist admiringly. "Now, which tooth is it?"
Mr. Smith turned to his wife...
"Show him your tooth, Honey." |
|
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| mdxxxx |
A dentist, after completing work on a patient, came to him begging.
Dentist: Could you help me? Could you give out a few of your loudest, most painful screams?
Patient: Why? Docor, it wasn't all that bad this time.
Dentist: There are so many people in the waiting room right now, and I don't want to miss the four o'clock ball game
:2: |
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| Blueflame |
This panda went into a restaurant and ordered a sandwich to eat. After the panda finished eating, he pulled out a gun and shoots every one in the restaurant, and leaves. Miraculously, the waiter was the only one alive. He thought that pandas some of God's most lovable creatures and could not do this kind of mayhem. He wanted to find out himself why the panda did what he did. He went to his computer and went to a site all about animals and typed in Panda. When the results came back, the bartender fully understood why. On his computer screen, it said
Pandas = An Asian mammal which eats shoots and leaves. |
|
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| DaleB |
There were two nuns...
One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM), and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL).
It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.
SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the
past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.
SL: It's logical. He wants to rape us.
SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the
most? What can we do?
SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.
SM: It's not working.
SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical
thing. He started to walk faster, too.
SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one
minute.
SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way
and I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both.
So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.
Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried about
what has happened to Sister Logical.
Then Sister Logical arrives.
SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell me what
happened!
SL: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow
us both, so he followed me.
SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?
SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I
could and he started to run as fast as he could.
SM: And?
SL: The only logical thing happened. He reached me.
SM: Oh, dear! What did you do?
SL: The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.
SM: Oh, Sister! What did the man do?
SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.
SM: Oh, no! What happened then?
SL: Isn't it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run faster than man with his pants down. |
|
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| EXCALIBUR |
A women on her deathbed called her husband and instructed him to look under their bed and open the wooden box he found. He was puzzled by the 3 eggs and $7,000 in cash he found in the box, so he asked his wife what the eggs were for.
"Oh those", she replied, "every time we had bad sex, I put an egg in the box".
Not bad, the husband thought to himself, after 35 years of marriage, then he asked, "But what about the $7,000?"
"Oh that", she replied, "every time I got a dozen I sold them.":D |
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| ImOnlyTen |
This is the funniest thread!!! It took me 15 minutes to read through it:eek: (that's long!)!!!!
I have some jokes, but there school-type jokes and not very good ones. |
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| mdxpursuit |
This is from a contest on Long Island. The requirements were to use the two Words Lewinsky (The Intern) and Kaczynski (the Unabomber) in a limerick.
> >
> >Here are the three winners:
> >
> >
> >Third place:
> >
> >
> >There once was a gal named Lewinsky
> >
> >Who played on a flute like Stravinsky
> >
> >"'Twas "Hail to the Chief"
> >
> >On his flute made of beef
> >
> >That stole the front page from Kaczynski.
> >
> >
> >Second place:
> >
> >Said Clinton to young Ms. Lewinsky
> >
> >We don't want to leave clues like Kaczynski,
> >
> >Since you made such a mess,
> >
> >Use the hem of your dress
> >
> >And wipe that stuff off of your chinsky.
> >
> >
> >And the winning entry:
> >
> >Lewinsky and Clinton have shown
> >
> >What Kaczynski must surely have known:
> >
> >That an intern is better
> >
> >Than a bomb in a letter
> >
> >When deciding how best to be blown.
> >
> >
> >*** Can you believe it? Monica Lewinsky turned 28 this week.
> > It seems like only yesterday she was crawling around the
> > White House on her hands and knees.....
> >
> |
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| mdxxxx |
What's the difference between Watergate and Zippergate?
At least this time, there's no doubt about the identity of "Deep Throat."
:2: |
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| BaldEagle |
quote:
Originally posted by mdxxxx
What's the difference between Watergate and Zippergate?
At least this time, there's no doubt about the identity of "Deep Throat."
:2:
:19: :19:
Don't forget though, with Zippergate there were multiple "Deep Throats". |
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| BaldEagle |
A local law enforcement officer stops a car for traveling faster than the posted speed limit.
Since he's in a good mood that day he decides to give the poor fellow a break and write him out a warning instead of a ticket.
So, he asks the man his name.
"Fred," he replies.
"Fred what?" the officer asks.
"Just Fred," the man responds.
When the officer presses him for a last name, the man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it.
The officer thinks he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it.
"Tell me Fred, how did you lose your last name?"
The man replies, "It's a long story so stay with me.
I was born Fred Dingaling. I know, funny last name. The kids used to tease me all the time. So I stayed to myself. I studied hard and got good grades.
When I got older I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college medical school, internship, residency, finally got my degree so was Fred Dingaling, MD.
After a while I got bored being a doctor so I decided to go back to school. Dentistry was my dream.
Got all the way through school, got my degree so I was now Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS.
Got bored doing dentistry so I started fooling around with my assistant.
She gave me VD.
So, I was Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS with VD.
Well, the ADA found out about the VD so they took away my DDS so I was Fred Dingaling MD with VD.
Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Dingaling with VD.
Then the VD took away my dingaling so now I'm just
Fred."
The officer walked away in tears laughing. |
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| mdxxxx |
The top 20 things not to say to a cop when he pulls you over.
20. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.
19. Sorry officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.
18. Aren't you the guy from the villiage people?
17. Hey, you must have been doing 125 to keep up with me, good job.
16. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical shape to be a police officer.
15. I was going to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.
14. Bad cop. No donut.
13. You're not going to check the trunk, are you?
12. Gee, that gut sure doesn't inspire confidence.
11. Didn't I see you get your butt kicked on cops?
10. Is it true that people become cops because they are too dumb to work at McDonalds?
9. I pay your salary
8. So uh, you on the take or what?
7. Gee officer, that's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning.
6. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.
5. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there is no other cars around, that's how far they are ahead of me.
4. What do you mean have I been drinking? You are the trained specialist.
3. Well, when I reached down to pick up my bag of crack, my gun fell off of my lap and got lodged between the brake and the gas pedal, forcing me to speed out of control.
2. Hey, is that a 9mm? That's nothing compared to this 44 magnum.
1. Hey, can you give me another one of those full cavity searches?
:2: |
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| EXCALIBUR |
After just a few years of marriage, filled with constant arguments, a young man and his wife decided the only way to save their marriage was to try counselling. They had been at each other's throat for some time and felt that this was their last straw.
When they arrived at the counsellor's office, the counsellor jumped right in and opened the floor for discussion. "What seems to be the problem?"
Immediately, the husband held his long face down without anything to say. On the other hand, the wife began talking 90 miles an hour describing all the wrongs within their marriage.
After 5 - - 10 - - 15 minutes of listening to the wife, the counsellor went over to her, picked her up by her shoulders, kissed her passionately for several minutes, and sat her back down. Afterwards, the wife sat there speechless. He looked over at the husband who was staring in disbelief at what had happened.
The counsellor spoke to the husband, "Your wife NEEDS that at least twice a week!"
The husband scratched his head and replied, "I can have her here on Tuesdays and Thursdays." |
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| mdxxxx |
It's for my mother-in-law," explained the mourner at the funeral procession. Tightening the leash, he gestured down at the dog and said, "My Doberman here killed her."
"Gee...That's terrible," commiserated the spectator. "But... Hmmmm... Is there anyway you might lend me your dog for a day or so?"
The bereaved son-in-law pointed his thumb over his shoulder and answered, "Get in line."
:2: |
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| rjmitche |
Strange but Clever Advertising...
- On the way to Nags Head, North Carolina from Virginia there is a sign for a seafood restaurant that says, "I get my crabs from Dirty Dicks." (link)
- On a hospital door to the colonoscopy unit: "To expedite your visit, please back in."
- On a plumber's truck: "We repair what your husband fixed."
- On the trucks of a plumbing company: "Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."
- Pizza shop slogan: "7 days without pizza makes one weak."
- Sign over a gynecologist's office: "Dr. Jones, at your cervix."
- Another pizza shop slogan: "Buy our pizza. We knead the dough."
- At a tire shop: "Invite us to your next blowout."
- Door of a plastic surgeon's office: "Hello. Can we pick your nose?"
- At a towing company: "We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."
- On a taxidermist's window: "We really know our stuff."
- In a podiatrist's office: "Time wounds all heels."
- At a car dealership: "The best way to get back on your feet -- miss a car payment."
- At the electric company: "We would be de-lighted if you pay your bill. However, if you don't, you will be."
- In a restaurant window: "Don't stand there and be hungry. Come on in and get fed up."
- In the front yard of a funeral home: "Drive carefully. We'll wait."
- At a propane filling station: "Tank heaven for little grills."
- And don't forget the sign at a radiator shop: "Best place in town to take a leak."
Courtesy of Fred Langa's newsletter
http://www.langa.com/newsletters/2003/2003-07-10.htm#10 |
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| mdxxxx |
The big chess tournament was taking place at the Plaza in New York. After the first day's competition, many of the winners were sitting around in the foyer of the hotel talking about their matches and bragging about their wonderful play. After a few drinks they started getting louder and louder until finally, the desk clerk couldn't take any more and kicked them out.
The next morning the Manager called the clerk into his office and told him there had been many complaints about his being so rude to the hotel guests....instead of kicking them out, he should have just asked them to be less noisy. The clerk responded, "I'm sorry, but if there's one thing I can't stand, it's chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."
:2: |
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| marktr6 |
My neighbor found out her dog could hardly hear so
she took it to the veterinarian. He found that the
problem was hair in its ears so he cleaned both ears
and the dog could hear fine.
The vet then proceeded to tell the lady that if she
wanted to keep this from re-occurring she should go
to the store and get some "Nair" hair remover and
rub it in its ears once a month. The lady goes to
the drug store and gets some "Nair" hair remover. At
the register the druggist tells her: "If you're
going to use this under your arms, don't use deodorant
for a few days." The lady says: "I'm not using it
under my arms." The druggist says: "If you're using it
on your legs, don't shave for a couple of days." The
lady says: "I'm not using it on my legs either; if you
must know, I'm using it on my schnauzer." The druggist
says: "Stay off your bicycle for a week."
:banghead: |
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| mdxxxx |
A doctor has come to see one of his patients in a hospital. The patient has had major surgery to both of his hands.
"Doctor," says the man excitedly and dramatically holds up his heavily bandaged hands. "Will I be able to play the piano when these bandages come off?"
"I don't see why not," replies the doctor.
"That's funny," says the man. "I wasn't able to play it before."
:2: |
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| mdxxxx |
A doctor and a nurse were called to the scene of an accident.
Doctor: We need to get these people to a hospital now!
Nurse: What is it?
Doctor: It's a big building with a lot of doctors, but that's not important now!
:2: |
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| DaleB |
AN AMAZING CONCLUSION
1. The sport of choice for the urban poor is BASKETBALL.
2. The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is BOWLING.
3. The sport of choice for front-line workers is FOOTBALL.
4. The sport of choice for supervisors is BASEBALL.
5. The sport of choice for middle management is TENNIS.
6. The sport of choice for corporate officers is GOLF.
AMAZING CONCLUSION:
The higher you are in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls become. |
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| BaldEagle |
A husband shopping center has just opened where a woman may go to choose a husband from among many men. The store is comprised of six floors, and the men increase in positive attributes as the shopper ascends the flights. There is, however, a catch. As you open the door to any floor you may choose a man from that floor, but if you go up a floor, you cannot go back down except to exit the building. ----------------So a woman goes to the shopping center to find a husband.
On the first floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 - These men have jobs. She reads the sign and says to herself "Well, that's better than my last boyfriend, but I wonder what's further up?" So up she goes.
The second floor sign reads: Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love kids. The woman remarks to herself, " That's great, but I wonder what's further up?" And up she goes again.
The third floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids and are extremely good looking. "Hmmm, better" she says. "But I wonder what's upstairs?"
The fourth floor sign reads: Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking and help with the housework. "Wow!" exclaims the woman, "very tempting, BUT, there must be more further up!" And she heads up another flight.
The fifth floor sign reads: Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework and have a strong romantic streak, " Oh, mercy me! But just think....what must be awaiting me further on?" So up to the sixth floor she goes.
The sixth floor sign reads:Floor 6 - You are visitor 769,987,421 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping Husband-Mart and have a nice day. |
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| greatscot |
quote:
Originally posted by DaleB
AN AMAZING CONCLUSION
1. The sport of choice for the urban poor is BASKETBALL.
2. The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is BOWLING.
3. The sport of choice for front-line workers is FOOTBALL.
4. The sport of choice for supervisors is BASEBALL.
5. The sport of choice for middle management is TENNIS.
6. The sport of choice for corporate officers is GOLF.
AMAZING CONCLUSION:
The higher you are in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls become.
Hey, where are the marble players in this? :2: |
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| BaldEagle |
quote:
Originally posted by greatscot
Hey, where are the marble players in this? :2:
Easy question. They are the CEO's and Company Presidents..... :2: |
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| cardingtr |
Why I Fired My Secretary:
As I walked into my office, my secretary, Janet, said, "Good morning boss. Happy Birthday." And I felt a little better; someone had remembered.
I worked until noon. Then, Janet knocked on my door and said "You know, it's such a beautiful day outside and it's your birthday let's go to lunch, just you and me." I said, "By George, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go." We went to lunch. We didn't go where we normally go; we went out to the country to a little private place. We had two martinis and enjoyed lunch tremendously. On the way back to the office, she said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day. We don't need to go back to the office, do we?"
I said, "No, I guess not." She said, "Let's go to my apartment."
After arriving at her apartment she said, "Boss, if you don't mind, I think I'll go into the bedroom and slip into something more comfortable." "Sure," I excitedly replied.
She went into the bedroom and, in about six minutes, she came out carrying a big birthday cake, followed by my wife, children, and dozens of our friends, all singing Happy Birthday.
And there I sat...on the couch........naked.
:bonk: |
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| BaldEagle |
An Irish priest is in a church on Saturday afternoon, hearing confessions...A man walks in and kneels down and begins his confession - "Father, it has been two weeks since my last confession. These are my sins: Last night I had sex with Nookie Green."
"That is your sin?"
"Yes, Father."
"You are forgiven. Go out and say one 'Our Father'." The man leaves.
Soon, another enters and kneels. "Father, it has been one month since my last confession. These are my sins: I have had sex with Nookie Green every week for the last month."
The priest thinks to himself this Nookie Green woman is fairly popular with his male parishioners..."Those are your sins?"
"Yes, Father."
"You are forgiven. Go out and say three 'Hail Marys'." The man leaves.
Soon, another enters and kneels down. "Father, it has been six months since my last confession. These are my sins: I have had sex with Nookie Green twice a week for the last six months."
This time, the priest has to ask - "Who is this Nookie Green?"
"Just a woman I know, Father."
"Very well - you are forgiven. Go out and say ten 'Hail Marys'."
The priest closes the church for the evening and leaves wondering who this Nookie Green woman is...
The next morning, the priest is up in front of his congregation saying mass. The doors fly open in the back of the church and in walks this woman, a tall redhead with long gorgeous hair, a green sequin dress, green sequined heels and a green hat with a long green feather coming from it. She walks straight up the aisle and sits down right in front of the priest, her knees apart.
The priest cannot help but stop and stare. He finally catches himself and leans over to ask the altar boy - "Pssssst. Is that Nookie Green?"
The altar boy has a look and says, "No, Father, I think it's just the reflection off her shoes." |
|
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| EXCALIBUR |
A woman's garden is growing beautifully but the darn tomatoes won't ripen. There's a limit to the number of uses for green tomatoes and she's getting tired of it.
So she goes to her neighbor and says, "Your tomatoes are ripe, mine are green. What can I do about it?"
Her neighbor replies, "Well, it may sound absurd but here's what to do. After dark go out into your garden and take all your clothes off. Tomatoes can see in the dark and they'll be embarrassed and blush. In the morning they'll all be red, you'll see."
Well, what the hell? She does it. Next day her neighbor asks how it worked.
"So-so" she answers. "The tomatoes are still green but the cucumbers are all five inches longer." |
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| crmsnidol |
I lay on my bed, thinking about you, I feel this strong urge to grab you and squeeze you, because I can't forget last night. You came to me unexpectedly during the balmy and calm night, and what happened in my bed still leaves a tingling sensation in me. You appeared from nowhere and shamelessly, without any reservations, you laid on my body.....you sensed my indifference, so you applied your hungry mouth to me without any guilt or humiliation, and you drove me near crazy while you drained me. Finally I went to sleep. Today when I woke up, you were gone, I searched for you but to no avail, only the sheets bare witness to last night's events. My body still bears faint marks of your enthusiastic ravishing, making it harder to forget you. Tonight I will remain awake waiting for you,
you f'ing mosquito! |
|
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| BaldEagle |
Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. So they loaded up Jack's mini van and headed north.
After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.
"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained. "I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."
"Don't worry," Jack said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light." The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.
Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.
But about nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney.
It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.
He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up North about 9 months ago?"
"Yes, I do." said Bob
"Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?"
"Well, um, yes," Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out. "I have to admit that I did."
"And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?"
Bob's face turned beet red and he said, "Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did."
"Why do you ask?"
"She just died and left me everything."
(And you thought the ending would be different, didn't you?)
Now keep that smile for the rest of the day!! |
|
|
| BaldEagle |
Have you ever spoken and wished that you could take the words back...or that you could crawl into a hole? Here are a few stories of people who did and do..........
1. How much for:
I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly, How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job? I turned around and walked back out and never went back. My husband didn't say a word... he knew better.
Melinda Lowe, 39, Seguin, TX
2. I think I like:
I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked at him and said, I think I like playing with men's balls.
Colleen Collins, 31, Ferndale, MI
3. Nuts about You:
My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, No, I'm just looking at your nuts. My sister started to laugh hysterically, the boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away. To this day, my sister has never let me forget.
Faye Emerick, 34, Ellerslie, MD
4. I saw Mommy kissing:
While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I told her that if she did not start behaving right now she would be punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night! The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing. I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me were screams of laughter.
Amy Richardson, Stafford, Virginia
5. What kind do you want:
A lady picked up several items at a discount store. When she finally got up to the checker, she learned that one of her items had no price tag. Imagine her embarrassment when the checker got on the intercom and boomed out for all the store to hear, PRICE CHECK ON LANE THIRTEEN, TAMPAX SUPER SIZE. That was bad enough, but somebody at the rear of the store apparently misunderstood the word Tampax for THUMBTACKS. In a business-like tone, a voice boomed back over the intercom. DO YOU WANT THE KIND YOU PUSH IN WITH YOUR THUMB OR THE KIND YOU POUND IN WITH A HAMMER?
Diane E. Amov
6. For the last time:
Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course I checked my seven-month-old daughter, and she was clean. Then I realized that Danny hadn't asked to go potty in a while, so I asked him if he needed to go, and he said No. I kept thinking, Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don t have any clothes with me. Then said, Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident. No, he replied. I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse. So-o-o-o-o I asked one more time, Danny, did you have an accident? This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over and spread his cheeks and yelled. SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS! While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down. An old couple made me feel better by thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!
7. About last night:
This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks. What happens when you predict snow but don't get any....a true story... We had a female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked: So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night? Not only did he have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard! |
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| mdxxxx |
"Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours."
"Baseball is 90 percent mental. The other half is physical."
"If the people don't want to come out to the park, nobody's gonna stop them."
"No wonder nobody comes here; it's too crowded."
"We made too many wrong mistakes."
"You can observe a lot by just watching."
"I usually take a two-hour nap from 1 to 4." - Yogi Berra
:2: |
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| msu79gt82 |
It ain't over 'til it's over.
If you can't imitate him, don't copy him.
We were overwhelming underdogs.
I know my record will stand until it's broken. |
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| EXCALIBUR |
Storming into his lawyer's office, a Texas oil magnate demanded that divorce proceedings begin at once against his new bride.
"What's the problem?", asked the lawyer.
"I want to hit that adulterin' witch for breach of contract,"says the oil man.
"I don't know if that will fly," said the lawyer. "I mean your wife isn't a piece of property; you don't own her."
"Damn right," the tycoon replied, "but I sure as hell expect exclusive drillin' rights! |
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| marktr6 |
The Cadbury's Candy and
the Merck Drug companies
have combined to market the new
Mint flavored birth control pill
that women may take
immediately before sex.
They will be distributed by the
large major drug store chains
and Walmart's Pharmacies.
They're going to be called:
'Predickamints' |
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| EXCALIBUR |
A man escapes from a prison where he had been kept for 15 years. As he runs away, he finds a house and breaks into it looking for money and guns but only finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him up in a chair. While tying the girl up to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her on the neck, then gets up, and goes to the bathroom.
While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy is an escaped prisoner, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail, and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, just do what he tells you, just give him satisfaction. This guy must be dangerous, if he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you".
To which the wife responds, "He was not kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked if we kept any Vaseline in the bathroom. Be strong, honey. I love you, too."
:eek: |
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| mdxxxx |
Ten scientific principles that apply to the study of all martial arts:
The wimp who made it through the eliminations on luck alone will suddenly turn into Bruce Lee when you're up against him.
The referee will always be looking the other way when you score.
The day you leave work early to make it to class on time, the sensei will be sick.
The sensei will only use you during demonstrations for joint-locking techniques.
If you have to use your training in self-defense, your attacker's father will be a lawyer.
After a flawless demonstration, you will trip on your way back to your seat.
After years of training without a single injury, you will pull a groin muscle the night before your black belt exam.
In an otherwise vacant locker room, the only other person will have the locker right next to yours.
No matter how many times you take care of it before your promotion exam, you will invariably have to go to the bathroom when it's your turn.
:2: |
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| hammermdx |
A guy out on the golf course takes a high speed ball right in the crotch.
Screaming in agony, he falls to the ground. As soon as he could manage, he took himself to the doctor.
He said "How bad is it doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next week and my fiance is still a virgin in every way."
The doctor told him, "Your testicles are fine, but I'll have to put your penis in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay next week."
So he took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4-sided bandage, and wired it all together--an impressive work of art.
The guy mentions none of this to his girl, marries her, and goes on their honeymoon. That night in the hotel room, she rips open her blouse to reveal a gorgeous set of breasts. This was the first time he saw them. She said, "You're the first; no one has ever touched these breasts." Next she takes off her panties and says, "You're the first; no one has ever touched me here."
Barely able to contain himself, he immediately drops his pants and replies . .
. . . . "Look at this, it's still in the CRATE." |
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| mdxxxx |
A young man comes home and says "Dad, just got my driver's license and would like to use the family car."
Father replies, :"O.K., son. But, first, you have to get good grades in school, keep your room clean, make the yard is neat, and cut your hair. Come back in a few months and then we'll see."
Well, several months pass and the young man comes into the house with his report card in his hand. "Dad, I got great marks on my report card. I've been keeping my room as neat as a pin, and the yard is always ship-shape. How about letting me use the car?"
Father replies, "That's all true, but son you didn't cut your hair."
Son says, "But, dad, Jesus had long hair."
Father replies, "Yes, son, you're perfectly right. And he walked everywhere he went."
:2: |
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| BaldEagle |
Joe was a successful lawyer but he was increasingly hampered by incredible headaches. When his career and love life started to suffer, He sought medical help. After being referred from one specialist to another, he finally came across an old country doctor who solved the problem.
"The good news is that I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine, and the pressure creates a terrible headache. The only way to relieve the condition is to remove your testicles."
Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered whether he had anything to live for. He couldn't even concentrate long enough to answer his own question, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife.
When he left the hospital after the surgery he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he also felt like he was missing an important part of himself.
As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.
He saw a men's clothing store and thought: "That's what I need ... a new suit." He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit", and picked one out.
The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see....size 44 long."
Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?"
"Been in the business 60 years."
Joe tried on the suit and it fit him perfectly. As Joe admired himself, the salesman said, "How about a new shirt?"
Joe thought for a moment then said, "Sure."
The salesman eyed Joe, and said, "34 sleeve and a 16 1/2 neck."
Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?"
"Been in the business 60 years."
Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly. As Joe adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman said, "How about new shoes?"
Joe was on a roll and said, "Sure."
The salesman eyed Joe's feet, and said, "Let's see ... 9 1/2 E."
Joe was astonished, "How did you know?"
"Been in the business 60 years."
Joe tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly.. Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman said, "How about some new underwear?"
Joe thought for a second, and said "Sure."
The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said, "let's see...size
36."
Joe laughed, "Ah ha! I got you there! I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old."
The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear size 34. A 34 underwear would press your testicles up against your spine and give you one hell of a headache." |
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| EXCALIBUR |
A man returned home from the night shift and went straight up to the bedroom and found his wife with the sheet pulled over her head, fast asleep. Not to be denied, the horny husband crawled under the sheet and proceeded to make love to her.
Afterward, as he hurried downstairs for something to eat, he was startled to find breakfast on the table and his wife pouring coffee.
"How'd you get down her so fast?" he asked. "We were just making love!"
"Oh my God," his wife gasped, "That's my mother up there! She came over early and had complained of having a headache. I told her to lie down for awhile."
Rushing upstairs, the wife ran to the bedroom. "Mother, I can't believe this happened. Why didn't you say something?"
The mother-in-law huffed, "I haven't spoken to that jerk for fifteen years and I wasn't about to start now!"
:2: |
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| mdxxxx |
These are supposedly actual quotes taken from around the world.
"The effects are fleeting and lingering..." - Overheard in a hallway
"In Managua, people are cheering in the streets, which are deserted." - CBS reporter during the solar eclipse
"A trucker called to thank all of the courteous Seattle drivers he had run across." - Announcer on KZOK radio
"He threw 110 pitches in six innings, and that's a mouthful!" - CBS baseball announcer
"An agreement is not an agreement until the parties to the agreement have reached an agreement." - Irish Politician on RTE radio
"This is the biggest pawn that Israel holds in the whole hostage equation." - BBC world service.
"We have two incredibly credible witnesses here." - Sen. Biden at Thomas hearings from Bob Ericson (Marlboro, MA, USA)
"He's going to step down 'til he's back on his feet." - Vermont Public Radio commentator on Jimmy Swaggart's latest sex scandal
:2: |
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| jonnygoodboy |
| This I like. Kudos. |
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| BaldEagle |
For those of us getting along in years, here is a little secret for building your arm and shoulder muscles.
You might want to adopt this regimen. Three days a week works well.
Begin by standing outside behind the house, with a 5-lb. potato sack in each hand.
Extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can--try to reach a full minute.
Relax. After a few weeks, move up to 10-lb. potato sacks, and then 50-lb. potato sacks, and eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb. potato sack in each hand and hold your arms straight out for more than a full minute.
After you feel confident at that level, start putting a couple of potatoes in each of the sacks, but be careful not to overdo it. |
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| DaleB |
quote:
Originally posted by BaldEagle
For those of us getting along in years, here is a little secret for building your arm and shoulder muscles.
You might want to adopt this regimen. Three days a week works well.
Begin by standing outside behind the house, with a 5-lb. potato sack in each hand.
Extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can--try to reach a full minute.
Relax. After a few weeks, move up to 10-lb. potato sacks, and then 50-lb. potato sacks, and eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb. potato sack in each hand and hold your arms straight out for more than a full minute.
After you feel confident at that level, start putting a couple of potatoes in each of the sacks, but be careful not to overdo it.
:19:
Reminds me of the farmer's son who lifts the new born calf, and keeps lifting it everyday as it grows...
Well, I made it outside standing behind the house. But I don't have any potatoes never mind any sacks! At least I remembered why I was there..... |
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| BaldEagle |
The Millers were shown into the dentist's office, where Mr. Miller made it clear he was in a big hurry.
"No expensive extras, Doctor," he ordered. "No gas or needles or any of that fancy stuff. Just pull the tooth and get it over with."
"I wish more of my patients were as stoic as you," said the dentist admiringly. "Now, which tooth is it?"
Mr. Miller turned to his wife..."Show him your tooth, Honey." |
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| ByeByeChrysler |
BLONDE CONSTRUCTION WORKERS
Two blondes were working on a house. The one who was nailing down siding would reach into his nail pouch, pull out a nail and either toss it over his shoulder or nail it in.
The other blonde, figuring this was worth looking into, asked, "Why are you throwing those nails away?"
The first blonde explained, "If I pull a nail out of my pouch and it's pointed TOWARD me, I throw it away 'cause it's defective. If it's pointed toward the HOUSE, then I nail it in!"
The second blonde got really upset and yelled, "You MORON!!! The nails pointed toward you aren't defective! They're for the OTHER side of the house!!" |
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| EXCALIBUR |
Two men waiting at the Pearly Gates strike up a conversation. "How'd you die?" the first man asks the second.
"I froze to death," says the second.
"That's awful," says the first man. "How does it feel to freeze to death?"
"It's very uncomfortable at first", says the second man. "You get the shakes, and you get pains in all your fingers and toes. But eventually, it's a very calm way to go. You get numb and you kind of drift off, as if you're sleeping. How about you, how did you die?"
"I had a heart attack," says the first man. "You see, I knew my wife was cheating on me, so one day I showed up at home unexpectedly. I ran up to the bedroom, and found her alone, knitting. I ran down to the basement, but no one was hiding there, either. I ran up to the second floor, but no one was hiding there either. I ran as fast as I could to the attic, and just as I got there, I had a massive heart attack and died."
The second man shakes his head. "That's so ironic," he says.
"What do you mean?" asks the first man.
"If you had only stopped to look in the freezer, we'd both still be alive." |
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| marktr6 |
Sydney (AP).... An Australian scientist has invented a bra which offers more support and prevents a woman's breasts from bouncing up and down.
After announcing his invention, the scientist was taken outside where a large group of men beat the $hit out of him.
:headslap: |
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| mdxxxx |
A serious drunk walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her and kissed her. She jumped up and slapped him silly. He immediately apologized and explained, "I'm sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her."
"Why you worthless, insufferable, wretched, no good drunk!" she screamed.
"Funny," he muttered, "you even sound exactly like her." :2: |
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| EXCALIBUR |
A blonde carpenter was fixing up some wooden window frames on a 50-story building. He was using an electric saw and accidentally cut one of his ears off.
A guy was walking along the street below him so he called out, ''Hey, you on the street, can you see my ear down there?''
The guy on the street picks up an ear saying, ''Is this it?''
''No,'' was the reply from the blonde carpenter, ''mine had a pencil behind it.'' |
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| cardingtr |
An atheist was taking a walk through the woods. "What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!" he said to himself.
As he was walking alongside the river he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look and saw a 7 foot grizzly charge towards him. He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing in on him. He looked over his shoulder again, and the bear was even closer. His heart was pumping frantically and he tried to run even faster. He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw the bear right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him.
At that instant the Atheist cried out: "Oh my ....."
Time stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent. As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky: "You deny my existence for all of these years, teach others I don't exist, and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"
The atheist looked directly into the light, "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask You to treat ME as a Christian now, but perhaps could you make the BEAR a Christian?"
"Very well," said the voice.
The light went out. And the sounds of the forest resumed.
And then the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together and bowed his head and spoke: "Lord, Bless this food which I am about to receive and for which I am truly thankful." |
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| mdxxxx |
Three men died in a car accident and met Jesus himself at the Pearly Gates.
The Lord spoke unto them saying, "I will ask you each a simple question. If you tell the truth I will allow you into heaven, but if you lie....Hell is waiting for you.
To the first man the Lord asked, "How many times did you cheat on your wife?" The first man replied, "Lord, I was a good husband. I never cheated on my wife." The Lord replied, "Very good! Not only will I allow you in, but for being faithful to your wife I will give you a huge mansion and a limo for your transportation.
To the second man the Lord asked, "How many times did you cheat on your wife?" The second man replied, "Lord, I cheated on my wife twice." The Lord replied, "I will allow you to come in, but for your unfaithfulness, you will get a four- bedroom house and a BMW.
To the third man the Lord asked, "So, how many times did you cheat on your wife?" The third man replied, "Lord, I cheated on my wife about 8 times." The Lord replied, "I will allow you to come in, but for your unfaithfulness, you will get a one-room apartment, and a Yugo for your transportation.
A couple hours later the second and third men saw the first man crying his eyes out. "Why are you crying?" the two men asked. "You got the mansion and limo!" The first man replied, "I'm crying because I saw my wife a little while ago, and she was riding a skateboard!"
:2: |
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| paulp |
A popular bar had a new robotic bartender installed.
A guy came in for a drink and the robot asked him, "What's your IQ"?
The man replied, "130".
So the robot proceeded to make conversation about physics, astronomy, investments, insurance, and so on.
The man listened intently and thought, "This is really cool".
Another guy came in for a drink and the robot asked him, "What's your IQ?"
The man responded, "100."
So the robot started talking about the football, baseball and so on.
The man thought to himself, "Wow, this is really cool".
A third guy came in to the bar. As with the others, the robot asked him,
"What's your IQ?"
The man replied, "70".
The robot then said, "So, what's the Democratic Party up to these days?" |
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| mdxxxx |
According to a recent government publication ...
A billion seconds ago Harry Truman was president.
A billion minutes ago was just after the time of Christ.
A billion hours ago man had not yet walked on earth.
A billion dollars ago was late yesterday at the U.S. Treasury.
:2: |
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