| ByeByeChrysler |
quote:
Originally posted by kimsta
The Smiths were unable to conceive children, and decided to use
> a surrogate father to start their family. >
:19: |
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| mdxxxx |
You Know You're In California When...
The fastest part of your commute is down your driveway.
You were born somewhere else.
You know how to eat an artichoke.
The primary bugs that you worry about are electronic.
Your car has bulletproof windows.
Left is right and right is wrong.
Your monthly house payments exceed your annual income.
Your mouse has only one ball.
You need a new TV, you can run down to the local riot and pick one up.
You dive under a desk whenever a large truck goes by.
You can't find your other earring because your son is wearing it.
You drive to your neighborhood block party.
Your family tree contains 'significant others'.
Your cat has it's own psychiatrist.
You don't exterminate your roaches, you smoke them.
You see 25 lawyers chasing an ambulance.
More than clothes come out of the closets.
When 'the Dead' are best live.
You go to a tanning salon before going to the beach.
Your blind date turns out to be your ex-spouse.
More money is spent on facelifts than on diapers.
Smoking in your office is not optional.
When you can't schedule a meeting because you must 'do lunch'.
Your children learn to walk in Birkenstocks.
Rainstorms or thunder are the lead story for the local news.
You'll reluctantly miss yoga class to wait for the hot tub repairman.
You consult your horoscope before planning your day.
A glass has been reserved for you at your favorite winery.
When all highways into the state say: 'no fruits'.
All highways out of the state say: 'Go back'.
You pack shorts and a T-shirt for skiing in the snow, and a sweater and a wetsuit for the beach.
:2: |
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| EXCALIBUR |
A Brunette, a Redhead and a Blond are sitting in a doctors office, talking about what sex of child they are going to have.
The Brunette says "I am going to have a boy because I was on top when having sex."
The Redhead replied "I am going to have a girl because I was on the bottom while having sex."
Then the Blond says hesterically "Oh my God, I am going to have puppies!" |
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| mdxxxx |
Good to be American
Top ten reasosn why it's great to be American
You can have a woman president without electing her
You can spell colour wrong and get away with it
You can call Budweiser beer
If you've got enough money you can get elected to do anything
If you can breathe you can get a gun
You can invent a new public holiday every year
You can play golf in the most hideous clothes ever made and nobody seems to care.
You get to call everyone you've never met "buddy"
You can think you're the greatest nation on earth.
You can get a pizza within minutes of ordering.
:2: |
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| hammermdx |
Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.
Older Woman: Oh, I see.
Officer: Can I see your license please?
Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.
Officer: Don't have one?
Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.
Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.
Older Woman: I can't do that.
Officer: Why not?
Older Woman: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?
Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer: You what?
Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.
The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half! drawn gun.
Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle.
Older woman: Is there a problem sir?
Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.
Older Woman: Murdered the owner?
Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.
The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?
Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers. The officer is quite stunned.
Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.
The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.
The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.
Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.
Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too. |
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| EXCALIBUR |
A professor of mathematics sent a fax to his wife. It read:
"Dear Wife: You must realize that you are 54 years old, and I have certain needs which you are no longer able to satisfy. I am otherwise happy with you as wife, and I sincerely hope you will not be hurt or offended to learn that by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Grand Hotel with my 18-year-old teaching assistant. I'll be home before midnight. -Your Husband"
When he arrived at the hotel, there was a faxed letter waiting for him that read as follows:
"Dear Husband: You, too, are 54 years old, and by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with the 18- year-old pool boy. Being the brilliant mathematician that you are, you can easily appreciate the fact that 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18. Don't wait up." |
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| mdxxxx |
The Top Signs That Your Net Relationship Is Over
All of a sudden, she's typing in a different font.
Instead of hearing that lovely "You've Got Mail" statement when you use America OnLine, you hear "You Just Got Dumped!"
Your connection to his server is constantly refused.
You get a Dear John E-mai...Your name is Fred.
They no longer have access to a computer due to a recent parole.
She starts ending each sentence with only 1 exclamation mark instead of the usual 3!!!
She tells you that she's been working a lot. You think its a professional job; it turns out that she was responsible for the decorations at her Jr High prom!!
During an intimate moment in a chat room, she reveals herself to be GRANDMA!!
:2: |
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| paulp |
| Check out the dimension:2: |
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| EXCALIBUR |
After every flight, pilots fill out a form called a "gripe sheet", which conveys to the mechanics problems encountered with the aircraft during the flight that need repair or correction. The mechanics read and correct the problem, and then respond in writing on the lower half of the form what remedial action was taken, and the pilot reviews the "gripe sheets" before the next flight.
Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humor. Here are some "supposed" actual logged maintenance complaints and problems as submitted by Qantas pilots and the solution recorded by maintenance engineers.
P = The problem logged by the pilot.
S = The solution and action taken by the engineers.
P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for.
P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
P: Noise from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget. |
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| hammermdx |
A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning. The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee."
The husband said, "You are in charge of the cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."
The wife replies, "No you should do it, and besides it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee."
Husband replies, "I can't believe that. Show me."
So she fetched the Bible and opened the New Testament and shows him. At the top of several pages it indeed says:
"HEBREWS" |
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| greatscot |
Very good. Here are a few other Biblical facts:
1. First Sport was Tennis-Joseph served in Pharoah's court-Genesis
2. First cigarettes- ". . . Rebekah . . . lighted off the Camel." Genesis 24:64 |
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| mdxxxx |
Top ten error messages
The Top 10 Good Error Messages On The Brand New $7000 Computer You Just Bought
"That URL was not found because frankly, I didn' try hard enough."
"If you continue to type that way, you'll get Carpal Tunnel Syndrome."
"The Server is not really down, its just mildly depressed."
"Normally, I would complain but I'll let that rough disk insertion slide this time."
"Don't worry, I'll clean up that beer stain."
"Its not a virus...its a STD(System Transmitted Disease)."
"Remember Einstein, its point then click, point then click."
"That General Protection Fault is not yours."
"You're using MS Word 5.0 and that's a weenie version so why don't I upgrade you for free?"
"I hate to tell you this but you have already seen that version of the Pamela Anderson video... may I suggest another?"
:2: |
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| msu79gt82 |
As a passenger ship passed a small island, a bearded man could be seen shouting and furiously waving his arms.
"Who is that?" a passenger asked the captain.
"I have no idea," the captain replied, "But every year when we pass he goes nuts." |
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| msu79gt82 |
1. You believe the playground should be equipped with a Ritalin salt lick.
2. You want to slug the next person who says: "Must be nice to work 8 to 3:20 and have summers free."
3. You can tell if it's a full moon without ever looking outside.
4. You believe "shallow gene pool" should have its own box in the report card.
5. You believe that unspeakable evils will befall you if anyone says "Boy, the kids sure are mellow today."
6. When out in public you feel the urge to snap your fingers at children you don't know and correct their behavior.
7. You have no social life between August and June.
8. Marking all A's on report cards would make your life SO much easier.
9. You think people should be required to get a government permit before being allowed to reproduce.
10. You wonder how some parents even MANAGED to reproduce.
11. You laugh uncontrollably when people refer to the staff room as the "lounge".
12. You encourage an obnoxious parent to check into charter schools or home schooling.
13. You can't have children because there's no name you could give a child that wouldn't bring on high blood pressure the moment you heard it uttered.
14. You think caffeine should be available in intravenous form.
15. You know you are in for a major project when a parent says: "I have a great idea I'd like to discuss. I think it would be such fun."
16. Meeting a child's parent instantly answers the question "Why is this kid like this?" |
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| greatscot |
Three best reasons to be a Teacher:
1. June
2. July
3. August |
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| mdxxxx |
Mrs. Peterson phoned the repairman because her dishwasher quit working. He couldn't accommodate her with an "after-hours" appointment and since she had to go to work, she told him, "I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dish washer, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you a check. By the way, I have a large rotweiler inside named Killer; he won't bother you. I also have a parrot, and whatever you do, do not talk to the bird!"
Well, sure enough the dog, Killer, totally ignored the repairman, but the whole time he was there, the parrot cursed, yelled, screamed, and about drove him nuts.
As he was ready to leave, he couldn't resist saying, "You stupid bird, why don't you shut up!"
To which the bird replied, "Killer, get him!!!"
:2: |
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| msu79gt82 |
| When I die, I would like to go peacefully, in my sleep, like my Grandfather did. Not screaming and yelling like the passenger in his car. -Jack Handy |
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| hammermdx |
>1972: Long hair
>2002: Longing for hair
>1972: The perfect high
>2002: The perfect high yield mutual fund
>1972: KEG
>2002: EKG
>1972: Acid rock
>2002: Acid reflux
>1972: Moving to California because it's cool
>2002: Moving to California because it's warm
>1972: Growing pot
>2002: Growing pot belly
>1972: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor
>2002: Trying NOT to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor
>1972: Seeds and stems
>2002: Roughage
>1972: Killer weed
>2002: Weed killer
>1972: Hoping for a BMW
>2002: Hoping for a BM
>1972: The Grateful Dead
>2002: Dr. Kevorkian
>1972: Going to a new, hip joint
>2002: Receiving a new hip joint
>1972: Rolling Stones
>2002: Kidney Stones
>1972: Being called into the principal's office
>2002: Calling the principal's office
>1972: Screw the system
>2002: Upgrade the system
>1972: Disco
>2002: Costco
>1972: Parents begging you to get your hair cut
>2002: Children begging you to get their heads shaved
>1972: Passing the drivers' test
>2002: Passing the vision test
>1972: Whatever
>2002: Depends
>Just in case you weren't feeling too old today, this will certainly change things.
>Each year the staff at Beloit College in Wisconsin puts together a list to try to give the faculty a sense of the mindset of this year's incoming freshmen.
>Here's this year's list:
>The people who are starting college this fall across the nation were born in 1983.
They are too young to remember the space shuttle blowing up.
>Their lifetime has always included AIDS.
>Bottle caps have always been screw off and plastic.
>The CD was introduced the year they were born.
>They have always had an answering machine.
>They have always had cable.
>They cannot fathom not having a remote control.
>Jay Leno has always been on the Tonight Show.
>Popcorn has always been cooked in the microwave.
>They never took a swim and thought about Jaws.
>They can't imagine what hard contact lenses are.
>They don't know who Mork was or where he was from.
>They never heard: "Where's the Beef?", "I'd walk a mile for a Camel," or "de plane Boss, de plane."
>They do not care who shot J. R. and have no idea who J. R. even is.
>McDonald's never came in Styrofoam containers.
>They don't have a clue how to use a typewriter.
>Do you feel old yet? Pass this on to the other old fogies in your life.
>You know you are living in the year 2003 when:
>1 Your reason for not staying in touch with some family and friends is because they do not have e-mail.
>2. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.
>3. Your grandmother asks you to send her a JPEG file of your newborn so she can create a screen saver.
>4. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home.
>5. Every commercial on television has a web site address at the bottom of the screen.
>6. You buy a computer and 3 months later it's out of date and sells for half the price, or less than you paid for it.
>7. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the first 20 or 30 years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go get it.
>8. Using real money, instead of a credit or debit card, to make a purchase would be a hassle and take planning.
>9. You just tried to enter your password on the microwave.
>10. You consider second-day air delivery painfully slow.
>11. Your dining room table is now your flat filing cabinet.
>12. Your idea of being organized is multiple-colored Post-it notes.
>13. You hear most of your jokes via e-mail instead of in person.
>14. You get an extra phone line so you can get phone calls.
>15. You disconnect from the Internet and you get this awful feeling, as if you just pulled the plug on a loved one.
>16. You get up in the morning and go online before getting your coffee.
>17. You wake up at 2 AM to go to the bathroom and check your e-mail on your way back to bed.
>18. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. :)
>19. You're reading this and nodding and laughing. |
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| msu79gt82 |
1) I be God. Don' be dissin me.
2) Don' be makin hood ornaments outa me or nothin in my crib.
3) Don' be callin me for no reason - homey don' play dat.
4) Y'all betta be in church on Sundee.
5) Don' dis ya mama...an if ya know who ya daddy is, don dis him neither.
6) Don' ice ya bros.
7) Stick to ya own woman.
8) Don' be liftin no goods.
9) Don' be frontin like you all that an no snitchin on ya homies.
10) Don' be eyein' ya homie's crib, ride, or nothin. |
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| msu79gt82 |
THINGY (thing-ee) n.
female: Any part under a car's hood.
male: The strap fastener on a woman's bra.
VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
female: Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
male: Playing ball without a cup.
COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon)n.
female: The sharing of thoughts & feelings with one's partner.
male: Scratching out a note before suddenly taking off for a weekend with the guys.
BUTT (but) n.
female: The body part that every item of clothing manufactured makes "look bigger."
male: The organ of mooning and farting.
COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
female: A desire to get married and raise a family.
male: Not trying to pick up other women while out with one's girlfriend.
REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
female: A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
male: A device for scanning through all 75 channels every 2 minutes.
TASTE (tayst) v.
female: Something you do frequently to whatever you're cooking, to make sure it's good.
male: Something you must do to anything you think has gone bad, prior to tossing it out. |
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| hammermdx |
A young woman in New York was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean. She went down to the docks and was about to leap into the frigid water, when a handsome young sailor saw her tottering on the edge of the pier, crying.
He took pity on her and said, "Look, you have so much to live for. I'm off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you, and bring you food every day." Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added, "I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy."
The girl nodded yes. After all, what did she have to lose? Perhaps a fresh start in Europe would give her life new meaning. That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn.
Three weeks later, during a routine inspection, she was discovered by the captain. "What are you doing here?" the captain asked. "I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she explained. "I get food and a trip to Europe, and he's screwing me."
"He certainly is," the captain said. "This is the Staten Island Ferry." |
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| hammermdx |
Schwartzenegger has a big one.
Michael J. Fox has a small one.
Madonna doesn't have one.
The Pope has one but doesn't use his.
Clinton uses his all the time.
Mickey Mouse has an unusual one.
Liberace never used his on women.
Jerry Seinfeld is very, very proud of his.
Cher claims that she took on 3.
We never saw Lucy use Desi's.
What is it?
Answer below!
(This is really good)
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The answer is:
"A Last Name." |
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| mdxxxx |
Recently, the Psychic Hotline and Psychic Friends Network have launched hotlines for frogs. Here is the story of one frog and his discussing with his psychic.
A frog telephones the Psychic Hotline and is told, "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you."
The frog says, "This is great! Will I meet her at a party, or what?"
"No," says the psychic. "Next semester in her biology class."
:2: |
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| mdxxxx |
Q: What did Louis Farrakahn say to Mike Tyson after the fight?
A: No stupid an Eye for an Eye!!!!
Tyson's psychologist told Mike to take a year off, he obviously misunderstood....good thing he didn't say two!
Tyson's favorite football team-the Tampa Bay Buc-an-EARS.
For the third fight between Mike and Evander, Tyson wants it to be held in Earie, PA.
New Tyson burger: There is a piece of the champ in every bite!!!
They are making a new boxing term for Tyson....instead of KO, it will be a Van Gogh. "Evander was Van Gogh'd in the third!!!"
Can't beat um...Eat um!!!!
If Tyson fights Golatta,is it more points for a low blow or an ear bite?
In this corner Evander "the Real Meal" Holyfield!!!!!!!
Before the fight, Mike's trainer told him to get a piece of Holyfied. Oops, bad advice.
Iron BITE Tyson, the heavyweight CHOMP of the world!
:2: |
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| mdxxxx |
A modern day cowboy has spent many days crossing the desert without water.
His horse has already died of thirst. He's crawling through the sands,
certain that he has breathed his last, when all of a sudden, he sees an
object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him. He crawls to
the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers what looks to be an
old
brief case. He opens it and out pops a genie.
But this is no ordinary genie. She is wearing an Internal Revenue Service
ID badge and a dull gray dress. There's a calculator in her
pocketbook. She has a pencil tucked behind one ear.
"Well, cowboy," says the genie... "You know how it works. You have three
wishes."
"I'm not falling for this." Says the man. "I'm not going to trust an IRS
auditor."
"What do you have to lose? You've got no transportation, and it looks like
you're a goner anyway!"
The man thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is
right. "OK, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plenty of food and
drink."
***POOF***
The cowboy finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen. And
he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.
"OK, cowpoke, what's your second wish?"
"My second wish is that I were rich beyond my wildest dreams."
***POOF***
The man finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold
coins and precious gems.
"OK, cowpuncher, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!"
After thinking for a few minutes, the man says.. "I wish that no matter
where I go, beautiful women will want and need me."
***POOF***
He is turned into a tampon.
MORAL: If the government offers you anything, there's going to be a string
attached.:2: |
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| BaldEagle |
A bigshot business man had to spend a couple of days in the hospital.
He was a royal pain to the nurses because he bossed them around just like he did his employees. None of the hospital staff wanted to have anything to do with him.
The head nurse was the only one who could stand up to him. She walked into his room and announced, "I have to take your temperature."
After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth.
"No, I'm sorry, the nurse stated, "but for this reading, I can't use an oral thermometer."
This started another round of complaining, but eventually he rolled over and bared his behind.
After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her announce, "I have to get something. Now you stay JUST LIKE THAT until I get back!"
She leaves the door to his room open on her way out. He curses under his breath as he hears people walking past his door, laughing. After almost an hour, the man's doctor comes into the room.
"What's going on here?" asked the doctor.
Angrily, the man answers, "What's the matter, Doc? Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature taken before?"
After a pause, the doctor replies, "Yes, but never with a daffodil!" |
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| BaldEagle |
A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two young people show up. One is a good looking lad in his mid-twenties and the other is a gorgeous blonde about the same age.
The circus owner tells them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you guys better be good or you're history. Here's your equipment; chair, whip and a gun. Who wants to try out first?"
The girl says, "I'll go first." She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion's cage. The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her. About half way there, she throws open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body.
The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her ankles. He continues to lick her calves, kisses them and rests his head at her feet.
The circus owner's mouth is on the floor. He says, "I've never seen a display like that in my life." He then turns to the young man and asks, "Can you top that?"
The young man replies. "No problem, just get that lion out of the way." |
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| BaldEagle |
Appropriate quotes concerning "The Government":
1. Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself. --Mark Twain
2. We contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the handle. --Winston Churchill
3. A government which robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul. --George Bernard Shaw
4. A liberal is someone who feels a great debt to his fellow man, which debt he proposes to pay off with your money. -- G. Gordon Liddy
5. Democracy must be something more than two wolves and a sheep voting on what to have for dinner. --James Bovard, Civil Libertarian (1994)
6. Foreign aid might be defined as a transfer from poor people in rich countries to rich people in poor countries. --Douglas Casey, Classmate of W.J.Clinton at Georgetown U. (1992)
7. Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys. --P.J. O'Rourke, Civil Libertarian
9. Government's view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it. -- Ronald Reagan (1986)
10. I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts. --Will Rogers |
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| EXCALIBUR |
A woman was helping her computer-illiterate husband set up his computer, and at the appropriate point in the process, told him that he would now need to choose and enter a password. Something he will use to log on.
The husband was in a rather amorous mood and figured he would try for the shock effect to bring this to his wife's attention. So, when the computer asked him to enter his password, he made it plainly obvious to his wife that he was keying in "p..e..n..i..s".
His wife fell off her chair laughing when the computer replied:
***PASSWORD REJECTED. NOT LONG ENOUGH***
:2: |
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| mdxxxx |
Things To Think About Our Government:
29 Members of Congress have been accused of spousal abuse.
7 Have been arrested for fraud.
19 Have been accused of writing bad checks.
117 Have bankrupted at least two businesses.
3 Have been arrested for assault.
71 Have credit reports so bad they can't qualify for a credit card.
14 Have been arrested on drug related charges.
8 Have been arrested for shoplifting,
21 Are current defendants in lawsuits.
84 Were stopped for drunk driving in 1998 alone, but released after they :2: |
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| TheWorm |
Four Jewish brothers left home for college. They became successful
doctors,and lawyers and prospered.
Some years later, they chatted after having dinner together. They
discussed the gifts that they were able to give to their elderly mother who
lived far away in another city.
The first said, "I had a big house built for Mama."
The second said, "I had a hundred thousand dollar theater built in the
house."
The third said, "I had my Mercedes dealer deliver her an SL600 with
chauffeur."
The fourth said, "Listen to this. You know how Mama loved reading the
Torah. And you know, too, she can't read anymore because she can't see very
well. I met this Rabbi who told me about a parrot that can recite the entire
Torah. It took twenty rabbis 12 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute $100,000 a year for twenty years to the temple. Let me tell you...it was worth it. All Mama has to do is name a chapter and verse and the parrot will recite it."
The other brothers were impressed.
After the holidays Mom sent out her Thank You notes. She wrote:
Milton: The house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I
have to clean the whole house. Thanks anyway.
Marvin: I am too old to travel. I stay home, I have my groceries
delivered, so I never use the Mercedes...and the driver you hired is a Nazi. The
thought was good. Thanks.
Menachim: You give me an expensive theater with Dolby sound, it could
hold 50 people, but all my friends are dead, I've lost my hearing and
I'm nearly blind. I'll never use it. Thank you for the gesture just the same.
Dearest Phil: You were the only son to have the good sense to give a
little thought to your gift. The chicken was delicious. Thank you. |
|
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| mdxxxx |
A good samaritan was walking home late one night when he came upon this drunk on the sidewalk. Wanting to help, he asked the drunk "do you live here?" "Yep". "Would you like me to help you upstairs?" "Yep". When they got up on the second floor, the good person asked "Is this your floor?" "Yep".
Then the good samaritan got to thinking that maybe he didn't want to face the man's irate and tired wife because she may think he was the one who got the man drunk. So, he opened the first door he came to and shoved him through it then went back downstairs. However, when he went back outside, there was another drunk. So he asked that drunk "Do you live here?" "Yep". "Would you like me to help you upstairs?" "Yep". So he did and put him in the same door with the first drunk. Then went back downstairs.
Where, to his surprise, there was another drunk. So he started over to him. But before he got to him, the drunk staggered over to a policeman and cried "Please officer, protect me from this man.
He's been doing nothing all night long but taking me upstairs and throwing me down the elevator shaft!"
:2: |
|
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| dvilla |
Just received this e-mail today:
Subject: System Advisory - VIRUS!!!!
There is a new virus with the code name "work".
If you receive "work", from your colleagues, your boss, via e-mail or anyone else, do not touch "work" under any circumstances.
This virus wipes out your private life completely.
If you should happen to come in contact with this virus. Put on your jacket and take two good friends and go straight to the nearest bar.
Order three drinks, drink them swiftly and after repeating this 14 times you will find that "work" has been completely deleted from your memory.
Forward this virus warning immediately to at least 5 friends.
Should you realize that you haven't got 5 friends, this means that you are already infected by this "work" virus, and it controls your whole life. |
|
|
| mdxxxx |
Smith goes to see his supervisor in the front office. "Boss," he says, "we're doing some heavy house-cleaning at home tomorrow, and my wife needs me to help with the attic and the garage, moving and hauling stuff."
"We're short-handed, Smith" the boss replies. "I can't give you the day off."
"Thanks, boss," says Smith "I knew I could count on you!"
:2: |
|
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| BaldEagle |
On the day of their 50th anniversary the reminiscing wife finds the negligee she wore on her wedding night and puts it on. She goes to her husband and says, "Honey, do you remember this?"
He looks up from his newspaper and says, "Yes dear, I do. You wore that same
negligee the night we were married."
She says, "Yes, that's right. Do you remember what you said to me that
night?"
He nods and says, "Yes dear, I still remember."
"Well, what was it?" she asks.
He's not much in the mood for this, but he sighs and responds, "Well, honey, as I remember, I said, 'Oh baby, I'm going to suck the life out of those boobs and screw your brains out".
She giggles and says, "Yes dear, that's it. That's exactly what you said. So now it's fifty years later and I'm in the same negligee. What do you have to say tonight?"
He looked her up and down, and replied, "Mission accomplished!" |
|
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| Maik |
You can tell that this thread is getting long...two of the last four jokes are repeats!
I will admit this has been my favorite thread of all. Keep em coming! |
|
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| msu79gt82 |
quote:
Originally posted by Maik
You can tell that this thread is getting long...two of the last four jokes are repeats!
Note we are on page 43 now; I'm sure many of the newbies just pick up at the end so repeats are inevitable - some I posted back on the first few pages have been repeated. But a good joke bears repeating:D |
|
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| hammermdx |
GUY WALKS INTO A BAR, SITS DOWN, AND ASKS,
>"BARTENDER, GOT ANY SPECIALS TODAY?"
>
>BARTENDER SAYS, "YES, AS A MATTER OF FACT
>WE HAVE A NEW DRINK INVENTED BY A
>GYNECOLOGIST PATRON OF OURS.
>IT IS A MIX OF PABST BLUE RIBBON AND SMIRNOFF
>VODKA."
>
>
>THE GUY ASKS, "GEEZE, WHAT THE HECK IS THAT?"
>
>what ever you do, don't scroll down ........
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>"WE CALL IT A "PABST SMIR" |
|
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| mdxxxx |
Three rats are sitting at the bar talking bragging about their bravery and toughness.
The first says, "I'm so tough, once I ate a whole bagful of rat poison!"
The second says, "Well I'm so tough, once I was caught in a rat trap and I bit it apart!"
Then the third rat gets up and says, "Later guys, I'm off home to harass the cat."
:2: |
|
|
| DaleB |
Actual Resume Entries:
QUALIFICATIONS:
“Computer illiterate."
" I have extensive experience with foreign accents."
“Here are my qualifications for you to overlook.”
“Dealing with customers. Conflicts that arouse.”
EXPERIENCE:
“I have worked at many different jobs in order to find out what sort of work suits me best."
“Dislike current job and have spent 10 years seeking another."
“Develop and recommend an annual operating expense fudget.”
REASONS FOR LEAVING:
“They expected me at work 8:45 am every morning. I can not work under those conditions.”
"The company made me a scapegoat - just like my three previous employers."
“I was working for my mom, until she decided to move”
“I do not job hop, and quit my last 9 jobs as my choice.”
COVER LETTER:
"I have enclosed a copy of my resume for your review and consideration. I look forward to hearing you real soon."
"Enclosed is a ruff draft of my resume."
SKILLS:
“I have a certificate in beach sweeps."
“I am a rabid typist.”
OBJECTIVE:
“Employee."
PERSONAL:
“I am married with 9 children. I do not require prescription drugs.”
“Marriage Status, Often. Children, Various.”
“I am considered a very loyal employee, so please don’t notify my
company I am seeking this job." |
|
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| mdxxxx |
When I take a long time, I am slow.
When my boss takes a long time, he is thorough.
When I don't do it, I am lazy.
When my boss doesn't do it, he's too busy.
When I do it without being told, I'm trying to be smart.
When my boss does the same, that is initiative.
When I please my boss, that's brown-nosing.
When my boss pleases his boss, that's co-operating.
When I do good, my boss never remembers.
When I do wrong, he never forgets
:2: |
|
|
| mdxxxx |
Q: What is the definition of an accountant?
A: Someone who solves a problem, you didn't know you had, in a way you don't understand.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What does an accountant do for birth control?
A. He talks about his business.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What is an extroverted accountant?
A: One who looks at your shoes while he's talking to you instead of his own.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What is an insolvency practitioner?
A: Someone who arrives after the battle and bayonets all the wounded.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
There are just three types of accountants:
Those who can count and those who can't.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why did the auditor cross the road?
A: Because he looked in the file and that's what they did last year.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: How do you drive an accountant completely insane?
A: Tie him to a chair, stand in front of him and fold up a road map the wrong way.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What do accountants suffer from that ordinary people don't?
A: Depreciation.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What is the difference between a lawyer and an accountant?
A: The accountant knows he is boring.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: How was copper wire invented?
A: Two accountants were arguing over a penny.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What's an auditor?
A: Someone who arrives after the battle and bayonets all the wounded.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: When does a person decide to become an accountant?
A: When he realizes he doesn't have the charisma to succeed as an undertaker.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What's the definition of a good tax accountant?
A: Someone who has a loophole named after him.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What's an extroverted accountant?
A: One who looks at your shoes while he's/she's talking to you instead of his/her own.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Accountants don't die, they just lose their balance.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What's an accountant's idea of trashing his/her hotel room?
A: Refusing to fill out the guest comment card.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What's a shy and retiring accountant?
A: An accountant who is half a million shy and that's why he's/she's retiring.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What's an actuary?
A: An accountant without the sense of humor.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why do some accountants decide to become actuaries?
A: They find bookkeeping too exciting.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What do actuaries do to liven up their office party?
A: Invite an accountant.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What is GAAP (generally accepted accounting principles)?
A: The difference between accounting theory and practice.
:2: |
|
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| oceanMDX |
Here's one that I just came up with:
.... as Gray Davis anxiously listens for the latest results of the exit polls his assistant says, "I have some really good news for you: I just saved a bundle on my car insurance" ... :D |
|
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| greatscot |
New Hair treatment:
AHNODE . . . it gets the gray out . . . |
|
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| DaleB |
As Arnold rushes in...so does....well...Rush!
Here me now and believe me later, my friends: all these conservative orgasms over Arnold Schwarzenegger are - like the "Gorbasms" liberals experienced over Mikhail Sergeevich Gorbachev - fake. I know that (R) next to Schwarzenegger's name excites the White House, but his own words prove he's not a conservative. I call this "The Hollywood Syndrome," and it happens every time some actor-type says anything even remotely conservative. I'm not trying to cold shower anybody here, but don't look to anyone in Hollywood to validate your political ideas. |
|
|
| DaleB |
quote:
Originally posted by mdxxxx
:)
NO GROPERS FOR GOVERNOR!...in the picture I can not see Arnie's right hand!! |
|
|
| mdxxxx |
quote:
Originally posted by DaleB
NO GROPERS FOR GOVERNOR!...in the picture I can not see Arnie's right hand!!
Exactly!... Also notice Hillary's facial expression! :2: |
|
|
| DaleB |
quote:
Originally posted by mdxxxx
Exactly!... Also notice Hillary's facial expression! :2:
Oh yes, one of it's been a long time baby...:2: |
|
|
| msu79gt82 |
| Two guys were out hunting when one of them needed to take a crap. After a few minutes a voice comes from behind the tree, "Hey you got any paper?" His friend answers back, "No, you'll have to use a leaf!" Again the voice calls out, "I can't these leaves are poison ivy." His friend answers back, "Well then use a dollar." A few minutes later he comes out from behind the tree with sh!t all over his hands and fingers. His friend exclaimed, "What happened to you? I thought you were using a dollar?" "I did - but all I had was three quarters, two dimes, and a nickel." |
|
|
| hammermdx |
Mr. Smith goes to the doctor's office to collect his wife's test
results. The lab technician says to him, "I'm sorry, sir, but there has been a bit of a mix-up and we have a problem. When we sent the samples from your wife to the lab, the samples from another Mrs. Smith were sent as well and we are now uncertain which one is your wife's. Frankly, it is either bad or terrible!"
"What do you mean?" said Mr. Smith.
"Well, one Mrs. Smith has tested positive for Alzheimer's, and the
other Mrs. Smith has tested positive for AIDS. We can't tell which is your wife."
"That's terrible!" said Mr. Smith. "Can we do the test over?"
"Normally, yes. But you have Blue Cross Health Care, and they won't pay for these expensive tests more than once."
"Well, what am I supposed to do now?" said Mr. Smith.
"Blue Cross Health Care recommends that you drop your wife off in the middle of town. If she finds her way home, don't sleep with her. |
|
|
| hammermdx |
This was in the Washington Post... the title of the article was "Best
Comeback Line Ever."
In summary, the police arrested Patrick Lawrence, a 22-year-old white male resident of Dacula, GA, in a pumpkin patch at 11:38 p.m. on Friday. Lawrence will be charged with lewd and lascivious behavior, public indecency, and public intoxication at the Gwinnett County courthouse on Monday.
The suspect explained that as he was passing a pumpkin patch he decided to stop. "You know, a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around here for miles. At least I thought there wasn't," he stated in a phone interview.
Lawrence went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purposes, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his alleged "need."
"I guess I was just really into it, you know?" he commented with evident embarrassment. In the process, Lawrence apparently failed to notice a Gwinnett County police car approaching and was unaware of his audience until officer Brenda Taylor approached him. "It was an unusual situation, that's for sure," said officer Taylor. "I walked up to (Lawrence) and he's...just working away at this pumpkin." Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Lawrence. "I just went up and said, 'Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you are screwing a pumpkin?'
He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there, and then looked me straight in the face and said, "A pumpkin? Damn...is it midnight already?" |
|
|
| DavidM |
> > > > > > >
> > > > > > > A little girl was talking to her
> > > > > > > teacher about whales. The teacher said
> > > > > > > it was physically impossible for a
> > > > > > > whale to swallow a human because
> > > > > > > even though it was a very large mammal
> > > > > > > its throat was very small.
> > > > > > >
> > > > > > > The little girl stated that Jonah
> > > > > > > was swallowed by a whale.
> > > > > > >
> > > > > > > Irritated, the teacher reiterated
> > > > > > > that a whale could not swallow a
> > > > > > > human; it was physically impossible.
> > > > > > >
> > > > > > > The little girl said, "When I get
> > > > > > > to heaven I will ask Jonah".
> > > > > > >
> > > > > > > The teacher asked, "What if
> > > > > > > Jonah went to hell?"
> > > > > > >
> > > > > > > The little girl replied, "Then you
> > > > > > > ask him".
> > > > > > >
> > > > > > > -------------------
> > > > > > > -------------------
> > > > > > >
> > > > > > > A Kindergarten teacher was
> > > > > > > observing her classroom of
> > > > > > > children while they were drawing.
> > > > > > > She would occasionally
> > > > > > > walk around to see each child's
> > > > > > > work. As she gotto one little girl
> > > > > > > who was working diligently, she
> > > > > > > asked what the drawing was.
> > > > > > >
> > > > > > > The girl replied,"I'm drawing God."
> > > > > > >
> > > > > > > The teacher paused and said,
> > > > > > > "But no one knows what God looks like."
> > > > > > >
> > > > > > > Without missing a beat, or looking up
> > > > > > > from her drawing, the girl
> > > > > > > replied, "They will in a minute."
> > > > > > >
> > > > > > > -------------------
> > > > > > > -------------------
> > > > > > >
> > > > > > > A Sunday school teacher was
> > > > > > > discussing the Ten | | | |
