| ghm2112 |
| From the Bayview Hunters Point district of SF... |
|
|
| DaleB |
Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter:
Eskimo pi
2000 pounds of Chinese soup:
won ton
1 millionth of a mouthwash:
1 microscope
Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement:
1 bananosecond
Weight an evangelist carries with God:
1 billigram
2 dachshunds:
1 paradox
365.25 days of drinking low-calorie beer because it's less filling:
1 lite year
16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone:
1 Rod Serling
Half of a large intestine:
1 semicolon
Basic unit of laryngitis:
1 hoarsepower
Shortest distance between two jokes:
A straight line |
|
|
| msu79gt82 |
The Story of Two Cows
LIBERAL
You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. You feel guilty for being successful.
Instead of giving your neighbor one of your cows, you write to your congressman, demanding that he pass legislation for more government programs to help your neighbor get a cow. You hold a concert to raise awareness for the cow-lessness. Barbara Streisand sings for the cow-less, who couldn't attend because ticket prices are so expensive that only people with 3 or 4 cows can afford to attend. You wear a ribbon that signifies that you care about cowless people, even though you really haven't done anything to help them at all.
CONSERVATIVE
You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. So?
SOCIALIST
You have two cows. The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor. You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.
COMMUNIST
You have two cows. The government seizes both and provides you with milk. You wait in line for hours to get it. It is expensive and sour.
CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows. You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.
DEMOCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows. The government taxes you to the point you have to sell both to support a man in a foreign country who has only one cow, which was a gift from your government.
AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows. You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd one. You force the two cows to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when one cow drops dead. You spin an announcement to the analysts stating you have down sized and are reducing expenses. Your stock goes up.
FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows. You go to lunch and drink wine. Life is good.
JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains. Most are at the top of their class at cow school.
CALIFORNIAN
You have a cow and a bull. The bull is depressed. It has spent its life living a lie. It goes away for two weeks. It comes back after a taxpayer-paid sex-change operation. You now have two cows. One makes milk; the other doesn't. You try to sell the transgender cow. Its lawyer sues you for discrimination. You lose in court. You sell the milk-generating cow to pay the damages. You now have one rich, transgender, non-milk-producing cow. You change your business to beef. PETA pickets your farm. Jesse Jackson makes a speech in your driveway. Cruz Bustamante calls for higher farm taxes to help "working cows". Hillary Clinton calls for the nationalization of 1/7 of your farm "for the children". Gray Davis signs a law giving your farm to Mexico. The L.A. Times quotes five anonymous cows claiming you groped their teats. You declare bankruptcy and shut down all operations. The cow starves to death. The L.A. Times' analysis shows your business failure is Bush's fault. |
|
|
| kseto007 |
> 1. What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?
>
>
> Juan on Juan.
>
>
> 2. What is a Yankee?
>
>
> The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.
>
>
> 3. What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?
>
>
> The position of the dirt bag.
>
>
> 4. Why is divorce so expensive?
>
>
> Because it's worth it.
>
>
> 5. What's the fluid capacity of Monica Lewinsky's mouth?
>
>
> One US leader.
>
>
> 6. What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
>
>
> Doughnuts.
>
>
> 7. Why is air a lot like sex?
>
>
> Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.
>
>
> 8. Why is Chelsea Clinton so homely?
>
>
> Because Janet Reno is her real father.
>
>
> 9. What do you get when you put 50 lesbians and 50 politicians in a
room
> together?
>
>
> 100 people who don't do dick.
>
>
>
> SOMETHING TO OFFEND EVERYONE PART 2
>
> (Just starting to warm up)
>
>
> 1. What do you call a smart blonde?
>
>
> A golden retriever.
>
>
> 2. What do attorneys use for birth control?
>
>
> Their personalities.
>
>
> 3. What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
>
>
> 45 lbs.
>
>
> 4. What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
>
>
> 45 minutes.
>
>
> 5. How many women does it take to change a light bulb?
>
>
> None, they just sit there in the dark and *****.
>
>
> 6. What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
>
>
> Through his chest with a sharp knife.
>
>
> 7. Why do men want to marry virgins?
>
>
> They can't stand criticism.
>
>
> 8. Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring
and
> good-looking?
>
>
> Because those men already have boyfriends.
>
>
> 9. What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
>
>
> After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.
>
>
> 10. What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
>
>
> The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of
driving.
>
>
> 11. A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all in third grade. Who
has
the
> biggest boobs?
>
>
> The blonde, because she's 18.
>
>
> 12. Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex?
>
>
> Because they have cotton balls.
>
>
> 13. What's the difference between a porcupine and a BMW?
>
>
> A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.
>
>
> 14. What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
>
>
> "Are you sure it's mine?"
>
>
> 15. What's the difference between Beer Nuts and Deer Nuts?
>
>
> Beer Nuts are $1, and Deer Nuts are always under a buck.
>
>
> 16. Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
>
>
> Mace will do that to you.
>
>
> 17. Why did OJ Simpson want to move to West Virginia?
>
>
> Everyone has the same DNA.
>
>
> 18. Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
>
>
> Breasts don't have eyes.
>
>
> 19. Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi?
>
>
> He walks around saying "Yo."
>
>
> 20. Why do drivers' education classes in Redneck schools use the car
only
on
> Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
>
>
> Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.
>
>
> SOMETHING TO OFFEND EVERYONE, PART 3
>
> (The final laughs)
>
>
> 1. What's the Cuban National Anthem?
>
>
> "Row, Row, Row Your Boat"
>
>
> 2. Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
>
>
> A different bar.
>
>
> 3. Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a retarded baby?
>
>
> They named him "Sum Ting Wong"
>
>
> 4. What would you call it when a Frenchman has one arm shorter than
the
other?
>
>
> A speech impediment.
>
>
> 5. What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at
half-mast?
>
>
> They're hiring.
>
>
> 6. What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
>
>
> A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the
cage,
> along with "a recipe".
>
>
> 7. How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word?
>
>
> Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell, "BINGO"!
>
>
> 8. What's the difference between a northern fairy tale and a southern
fairy
> tale?
>
>
> A northern fairy tale begins "Once upon a time...". A southern fairy
tale
> begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this ****..."
>
>
> 9. My, my, how times have changed.
>
>
> Years ago, when 100 white men chased one black man, we called it the
Ku
Klux
> Klan. Today they call it the PGA TOUR.
>
>
> 10. Why is there no Disneyland in China?
>
>
> No one's tall enough to go on the good rides
:2: |
|
|
| X4ME |
Q. Why did the blonde have sex with a spanish fellow?
A. Because her teacher said it was time for her to do an "essay" |
|
|
| tommyleon |
This is so right on!Excellent.
I'm watching "Kennedy"on the History channel this week!Scary stuff and sobering!! |
|
|
| riseboi |
| "Beautiful"???:confused: |
|
|
| EXCALIBUR |
A Priest lost his pet rooster and couldn't find it no matter how many times he checked around his Parish.
Frustrated, he decided to bring it up during his Sunday Mass.
From the pulpit, he asked loudly, "Anyone got a cock?" All the men inside the Church stood up!
"No, I mean, has anyone seen a cock?"
All the women inside the Church stood up!
"No, no, no...what I mean is...has anyone seen MY cock?"
All the nuns stood up. |
|
|
| DaleB |
US Attorney General John Ashcroft was visiting an
elementary school. After 15
minutes speaking he says, "I will now answer any
questions you have."
Bobby stands up and says: "I have four questions
"
1. How did Bush win the election with fewer votes
than Gore?
2. Why haven't you caught Osama bin Laden?
3. Why are you using the American Patriot Act to
destroy civil liberties?
4. Where are the weapons of mass destruction in
Iraq?
Just then the bell goes off and the kids are sent
out to play. Upon returning,
Mr. Ashcroft said: "I am sorry we were
interrupted. I will answer any
questions you have."
A little girl called Julie stands up and says: "I
have six questions."
1. How did Bush win the election with fewer votes
than Gore?
2. Why haven't you caught Osama bin Laden?
3. Why are you using the American Patriot Act to
destroy civil liberties?
4. Where are the weapons of mass destruction in
Iraq?
5. Why did the bell ring twenty minutes early?
6. Where is Bobby? |
|
|
| EXCALIBUR |
A married couple is on their sunday walk in the country when they come upon a field of cows. All of a sudden, a massive bull comes along and jumps on the first cow he sees. Boom! As soon as he is done with the first he moves to the next and before long has made his way through the entire herd. The wife sighs and says to her husband, "I wish men could be ready to go again as quick as that bull was."
"no problem", says the husband. "As long as we get to change cows each time." |
|
|
| marktr6 |
What gender is it?
If you're like most people, common everyday
items look inert to you. But what you may not know is that many
of them have a gender.
For example . .
Ziploc Bags -- Male, because they hold everything in but you can
see right through them.
Copier -- Female, because once turned off, it takes a while to
warm up. It's an effective reproductive device if the right
buttons are pushed, but can wreak havoc if the wrong buttons are pushed.
Tire -- Male, because it goes bald and it's often over inflated.
Hot Air Balloon -- Male, because to get it to go anywhere you have to light a fire under it ...
and, of course, there's the hot air part.
Sponges -- Female, because they're soft and squeezable and retain water.
Web Page -- Female, because it's always getting hit on.
Subway -- Male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people
up.
Hourglass -- Female, because over time, the weight shifts to the
bottom.
Hammer -- Male, because it hasn't evolved much over the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around. (This one could really go either way)
Remote Control -- Female . . . Ha! You thought it'd be male. But
consider-- it gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and
while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying. |
|
|
| remydog |
My dad passed this one along:
Goldberg was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone
there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."
Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Goldberg, how
about Tom Cruise?"
"Sure, yes, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it."
So Goldberg and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's
door, and sure enough, Tom Cruise, shouts, "Goldberg! Great to see you!
You and your friend come right in and join me for lunch!"
Although impressed, Goldberg's boss is still skeptical. After they
leave Cruise's house, he tells Goldberg that he thinks Goldberg's knowing
Cruise was just lucky.
"No, no, just name anyone else," Goldberg says.
"President Bush," his boss quickly retorts.
"Yes," Goldberg says, "I know him, let's fly out to Washington."
And off they go. At the White House, Bush spots Goldberg on the tour
and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Goldberg, what a surprise, I
was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in. Let's
have a cup of coffee first, and catch up."
Well, the boss is very shaken by now, but still not totally convinced.
After they leave the White House grounds, he expresses his doubts to
Goldberg, who again implores him to name anyone else.
"The Pope," his boss replies.
"Sure!" says Goldberg. "I've known the Pope a long time."
So off they fly to Rome.
Goldberg and his boss are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square
when Goldberg says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye
among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me
just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope."
And he disappears into the crowd headed toward the Vatican. Sure
enough, half an hour later Goldberg emerges with the Pope on the balcony. But
by the time Goldberg returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart
attack and is surrounded by paramedics. Working his way to his boss's side,
Goldberg asks him, "What happened?"
His boss looks up and says, "I was doing fine until you and the Pope
came out on the balcony and the Japanese tourist next to me asked,
"Who's that on the balcony with Goldberg! |
|
|
| remydog |
Also passed to me by my Dad. Have a great holiday!
GEORGE CARLIN POST 9-11 (His wife recently died...)
Isn't it amazing that George Carlin - mouthy
comedian of the 70's and
80's - could write
something so very eloquent ...and so very
appropriate post 9-11.
A wonderful Message by George Carlin:
The paradox of our time in history is that we have
taller buildings but shorter tempers, wider
freeways, but narrower viewpoints. We spend more,
but have less, we buy more, but enjoy less. We have
bigger houses and smaller families, more
conveniences, but less time. We have more degrees
but less sense, more knowledge, but less judgment,
more experts, yet
more problems, more medicine, but less wellness.
We drink too much, smoke too much, spend too
recklessly, laugh too little, drive too fast, get
too angry, stay up too late, get up too tired, read
too little, watch TV too much, and pray too seldom.
We have multiplied our possessions, but reduced our
values. We talk too much, love too seldom, and hate
too often.
We've learned how to make a living, but not a life.
We've added years to life not life to years. We've
been all the way to the moon and back, but have
trouble crossing the street to meet a new neighbor.
We conquered outer space but not inner space. We've
done larger things, but not better things.
We've cleaned up the air, but polluted the soul.
We've conquered the atom, but not our prejudice. We
write more, but learn less. We plan more, but
accomplish less. We've learned to rush, but not to
wait. We build more computers to hold more
information, to produce more copies than ever, but
we communicate less and less.
These are the times of fast foods and slow
digestion, big men and small character, steep
profits and shallow relationships. These are the
days of two incomes but more divorce, fancier
houses, but broken homes. These are days of quick
trips, disposable diapers, throwaway morality, one
night stands, overweight bodies, and pills that do
everything from cheer, to quiet, to kill. It is a
time when there is much in the showroom window and
nothing in the stockroom. A time when technology can
bring this letter to you, and a time when you can
choose either to share this insight, or to just hit
delete.
Remember, spend some time with your loved ones,
because they are not going to be around forever.
Remember, say a kind word to someone who looks up to
you in awe, because that little person soon will
grow up and leave your side. Remember, to give a
warm hug to the one next to you, because that is the
only treasure you can give with your heart and it
doesn't cost a cent.
Remember, to say, "I love you" to your partner and
your loved ones, but most of all mean it. A kiss and
an embrace will mend hurt when it comes from deep
inside of you. Remember to hold hands and cherish
the moment for someday that person will not be there again.
Give time to love, give time to speak, and
give time to share the precious thoughts in your
mind.
Life is not measured by the number of breaths we
take, but by the moments that take our breath away.
HOW TO STAY YOUNG
1. Throw out nonessential numbers. This
includes
age, weight and height.
Let the doctor worry about them. That is why you
pay him/her.
2. Keep only cheerful friends. The grouches
pull
you down.
3. Keep learning. Learn more about the
computer, crafts, gardening, whatever.
Never let the brain idle. " An idle mind is the devil's workshop."
And the devil's name is Alzheimer's.
4. Enjoy the simple things.
5. Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you
gasp for breath.
6.. The tears happen. Endure, grieve, and move
on. The only person who is with us our entire life,
is ourselves. Be ALIVE while you are alive.
7. Surround yourself with what you love,
whether it's family, pets, keepsakes, music, plants,
hobbies, whatever.Your home is your refuge.
8. Cherish your health: If it is good, preserve it. If it is unstable, improve it.
If it is beyond what you can improve, get help.
9. Don't take guilt trips. Take a trip to the
mall, to the next county, to a foreign
country, but NOT to where the guilt is.
10. Tell the people you love that you love
them,
at every opportunity.
AND ALWAYS REMEMBER:
Life is not measured by the number of breaths
we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.
If you don't send this to at least 8 people....
who cares?
-George Carlin |
|
|
| dvilla |
A poker player
Two couples were playing cards one evening. John accidentally
dropped some cards on the floor.
When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he
couldn't help but notice that Bill's wife Sue, legs spread wide, wasn't wearing any underwear! Shocked by this, John, upon trying to sit back upagain, hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced.
Later, John went to the kitchen to get some refreshments.
Bill's wife followed and asked, "Did you see anything you liked under there?"
Surprised by her boldness, John courageously admitted that,
well, indeed he did. She said, "Well, you can have it but it will cost
you $500."
After taking a minute or two to assess the financial as
well as the moral costs of this offer, John indicates that he is indeed interested.
She tells him that since her husband, Bill, works Friday
afternoons and John doesn't, that John should be at her house around 20 Friday afternoon.
When Friday rolled around, John showed up at Bill's house
for the planned time with Sue at 2:00 pm sharp and after paying her the agreed sum of $500, they went to the bedroom and closed their sexual transaction as Sue had promised.
Afterwards, John quickly dressed and left.
As usual, Bill came home from work at 6:00pm and upon
entering the house, asked his wife abruptly, "Did John come by the house this afternoon?"
A little worried, Bill's wife answered, "Why yes, he did
stop by for a few minutes this afternoon." Her heart nearly skipped a beat when her husband curtly asked, "And did he give you $500?" In terror, she assumed that somehow he had found out, and after mustering up her best poker face, replied, "Well, yes, in fact he did give me $500."
Bill, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised his wife
by saying, "Good, I was hoping he did. John came by the office this morning and borrowed $500 from me. He promised me he'd stop by our house this afternoon on his way home and pay me back."
> > NOW THAT'S A POKER PLAYER! |
|
|
| EXCALIBUR |
Things Found Only in America
1. Only in America......can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
2. Only in America......are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
3. Only in America......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
4. Only in America......do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet Coke.
5. Only in America......do banks leave both doors to the vault open and then chain the pens to the counters.
6. Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
7. Only in America......do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.
8. Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
9. Only in America......do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.
10. Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering. |
|
|
| mdxxxx |
A little boy goes up to his mother and asks, "Is God a male or a female?"
After thinking for a moment, his mother responds, "Well, God is both a male and
a female."
This confuses the little boy, so he asks, "Is God black or white?"
"Well, God is both black and white."
At this, the boy's face lights up with understanding and he triumphantly asks,
"Is Michael Jackson God?"
:2: |
|
|
| EXCALIBUR |
A fourth-grade teacher was giving her pupils a lesson in logic. "Here is the situation," she said.
"A man is standing up in a boat in the middle of a river, fishing. He loses his balance, falls in, and begins splashing and yelling for help. His wife hears the commotion, knows he can't swim, and runs down to the bank. Why do you think she ran to the bank?"
A girl raised her hand and asked, "To draw out all his savings?" |
|
|
| harmonr1 |
quote:
"Is Michael Jackson God?"
:21: |
|
|
| msu79gt82 |
1. Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
2. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor....
3. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
4. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
5. The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
6. I went to a bookstore and asked the sales woman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
7. What if there were no hypothetical questions?
8. If a deaf mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
9. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
10. Is there another word for synonym?
11. What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
12. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
13. Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
14. Why do they lock gas station bathrooms...Are they afraid someone will clean them?
15. If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
16. Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
17. If the police arrest a deaf mute, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
18. Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
19. What was the best thing before sliced bread?
20. One nice thing about egotists - they don't talk about other people.
21. Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
22. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
23. How is it possible to have a civil war?
24. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
25. If you ate both pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?
26. If you try to fail and you succeed, which have you done?
27. Whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have "S" in it?
28. Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "assteroids?"
29. Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
30. If you spin an oriental man in a circle three times, does he become disoriented?
31. Can an atheist get insurance against acts of God? |
|
|
| msu79gt82 |
One morning Dick Cheney and George W. Bush were having brunch at a restaurant.
The attractive waitress asks Cheney what he would like and he replies, "I'll have a bowl of oatmeal and some fruit."
"And what can I get for you, sir?" she asks George W.
He replies, "How about a quickie?"
"Why, Mr. President," the waitress says, "How rude . . . you're starting to act like Mr. Clinton and you haven't even been in office for a full term yet!"
As the waitress storms away, Cheney leans over to Bush and whispers, "It's pronounced "quiche." |
|
|
| msu79gt82 |
This is a cute way to send "the" message! There is a serious message at the end, but you get to laugh on the way to it!
Finally, here's something other than smiley faces.....
Perfect breasts (o)(o)
Fake silicone breasts ( + )( + )
Perky breasts (*)(*)
Big nipple breasts (@)(@)
A cups o o
D cups { O }{ O }
Wonder bra breasts (oYo)
Cold breasts ( ^ )( ^ )
Lopsided breasts (o)(O)
Pierced Nipple Breasts (Q)(O)
Hanging Tassels Breasts (p)(p)
Grandma's Breasts \ o /\ o /
Against The Shower Door Breasts ( )( )
Android Breasts | o | | o |
Martha Stewart's Breasts (,)(,)
Mammogramed Breasts ___ ___
And God created woman, and she had 3 breasts. He then asked the woman, "Is there anything you'd like to have changed?" She replied, "Yes, could get rid of this middle breast?" And so it was done, and it was good. Then the woman exclaimed as she was holding the third breast in her hand, "What can be done with this useless boob?"
And God created man.
Mail this to other females. Now, don't break the chain!!!! One female broke the chain, her plumbing became so bad, she now has an outhouse!
OK Girls -- now that you have had your laugh, remember... Breast Cancer Awareness...go have those boobs checked out and stay healthy! Life is what you make it, so make it good. |
|
|
| perk |
1. Make race car noises when anyone gets on or off.
2. Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your kleenex to other passengers.
3. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: "Shut up, all of you just shut UP!"
4. Whistle the first seven notes of "It's a Small World" incessantly.
5. Sell Girl Scout cookies.
6. On a long ride, sway side to side at the natural frequency of the elevator.
7. Shave.
8. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: "Got enough air in there?"
9. Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside-down.
10. Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.
11. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.
12. Lean over to another passenger and whisper: "Noogie patrol coming!"
13. Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you Admiral.
14. One word: Flatulence!
15. On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go "plink" at the bottom.
16. Do Tai Chi exercises.
17. Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce: "I've got new socks on!"
18. When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back: "Oh, not now, motion sickness!"
19. Give religious tracts to each passenger.
20. Meow occassionally.
21. Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose.
22. Frown and mutter "gotta go, gotta go" then sigh and say "oops!"
23. Sing "Mary had a little lamb" while continually pushing buttons.
24. Holler "Chutes away!" whenever the elevator descends.
25. Walk on with a cooler that says "human head" on the side.
26. Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce "You're one of THEM!" and move to the far corner of the elevator.
27. Burp, and then say "mmmm... tasty!"
28. Leave a box between the doors.
29. Ask each passenger getting on if you can push the button for them.
30. Wear a puppet on your hand and talk to other passengers "through" it.
31. Start a sing-along.
32. When the elevator is silent, look around and ask "is that your beeper?"
33. Play the harmonica.
34. Shadow box.
35. Say "Ding!" at each floor.
36. Lean against the button panel.
37. Say "I wonder what all these do" and push the red buttons.
38. Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.
39. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your "personal space."
40. Bring a chair along.
41. Take a bite of a sandwich and ask another passenger: "Wanna see wha in muh mouf?"
42. Blow spit bubbles.
43. Pull your gum out of your mouth in long strings.
44. Announce in a demonic voice: "I must find a more suitable host body."
45. Carry a blanket and clutch it protectively.
46. Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
47. Wear "X-Ray Specs" and leer suggestively at other passengers.
48. Stare at your thumb and say "I think it's getting larger."
49. If anyone brushes against you, recoil and holler "Bad touch!" |
|
|
| msu79gt82 |
| ... what's Number 50:cool: |
|
|
| paulp |
As the mailman walking up to the porch, the front door cracked opened. A beautiful woman wearing a red rope and Santa hat partially appeared.
“Would you like to come in for a cup of coffee?” she asked.
It was cold and windy, so the mailman took the offer. He followed her inside. She poured a cup of hot coffee and offered him a muffin. He sat down at the dining table and enjoyed the treats.
When the mailman looked up, the woman was slowly undressed her rope revealing a gorgeous body behind the red lingerie.
“Would you like to go to bed?” she seductively asked. She took him to the bedroom and had wild sex.
When he got up and put his uniform back on, she reached over the bed and got her purse. She pulled out a five dollars bill and gave it to him.
The mailman was so surprised that he did not know what to say. “Why? Why?”
“Sex was my husband’s idea, but the breakfast was mine,” she said.
“You husband’s?”
She calmly explained as she was dressing up: "Last week, I asked my husband what I should do for the people who provide the services to us all year, and he said: “**** the mailman, give him five bucks.” |
|
|
| mdxxxx |
10. "Talk about a huge breast!"
9. "It's a little dry, do you still want to eat it?"
8. "Don't play with your meat."
7. "Just spread the legs open & stuff it in."
6. "I didn't expect everyone to come at once!"
5. "You still have a little bit on your chin."
4. "How long will it take after you stick it in?"
3. "You'll know it's ready when it pops up."
2. "That's the biggest one I've ever seen!"
1. "How long do I beat it before it's ready?"
:2: |
|
|
| ghm2112 |
quote:
Originally posted by mdxxxx
10. "Talk about a huge breast!"
9. "It's a little dry, do you still want to eat it?"
8. "Don't play with your meat."
7. "Just spread the legs open & stuff it in."
6. "I didn't expect everyone to come at once!"
5. "You still have a little bit on your chin."
4. "How long will it take after you stick it in?"
3. "You'll know it's ready when it pops up."
2. "That's the biggest one I've ever seen!"
1. "How long do I beat it before it's ready?"
:2:
And one I actually said to my mother-in-law last Thursday:
"I think it's better when you pin the wings against the sides and tie the legs together."
Thankfully she's not much for bondage (as far as I can tell) and I was left to suffer my embarassment in silence.
Happy Trails,
-Traveller:1: |
|
|
| marktr6 |
| What a scary image in the window!!!!!! |
|
|
| msu79gt82 |
| Woman Car Sales |
|
|
| msu79gt82 |
| Women Microsoft Help |
|
|
| msu79gt82 |
| Women Road Sign |
|
|
| msu79gt82 |
| Women Toilet Seat |
|
|
| msu79gt82 |
| Women Tool Kit:2: |
|
|
| DaleB |
| where did that ball go?? |
|
|
| cardingtr |
quote:
Originally posted by DaleB
where did that ball go??
:eek: :eek: :2: :2: |
|
|
| EXCALIBUR |
After hearing a couple's complaints that their intimate life wasn't what it used to be, the sex counselor suggested they vary their position.
"For example," he suggested, "you might try the wheelbarrow. Lift her legs from behind and off you go."
The eager husband was all for trying this new idea as soon as they got home.
"Well, okay," the hesitant wife agreed, "but on two conditions. First, if it hurts you have to stop right away, and second..." she continued, "you have to promise we won't go past my parents' house." |
|
|
| BaldEagle |
A married couple was in a terrible accident where the
woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the
husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body
because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to
donate some of his own skin.
However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt
was suitable would have to come from his buttocks.
The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one
about where the skin came from, and requested that the
doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a
very delicate matter.
After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded
at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful
than she ever had before! All her friends and
relatives just went on and on about her youthful
beauty!
One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was
overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said,
"Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did
for me. How can I possibly repay you?"
"My darling," he replied, "I get all the thanks I need
every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek." |
|
|
| msu79gt82 |
1. You can GET chocolate.
2. "If you love me you'll swallow that" has real meaning with chocolate.
3. Chocolate satisfies even when it has gone soft.
4. You can safely have chocolate while you are driving.
5. You can make chocolate last as long as you want it to.
6. You can have chocolate even in front of your mother.
7. If you bite the nuts too hard the chocolate won't mind.
8. Two people of the same sex can have chocolate without being called nasty names.
9. The word "commitment" doesn't scare off chocolate.
10. You can have chocolate on top of your workbench/desk during working hours without upsetting your work mates.
11. You can ask a stranger for chocolate without getting your face slapped.
12. You don't get hairs in your mouth with chocolate.
13. With chocolate there's no need to fake it.
14. Chocolate doesn't make you pregnant.
15. You can have chocolate at any time of the month.
16. Good chocolate is easy to find.
17. You can have as many kinds of chocolate as you can handle.
18. You are never too young or too old for chocolate.
19. When you have chocolate it does not keep your neighbors awake.
20. With chocolate size doesn't matter; it's always good |
|
|
| BaldEagle |
Two rednecks from Mississippi walk into the local bar to wash the dust from their throats and grab a beer. They stand at the bar drinking a beer and talking about hog prices.
Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the rednecks looks at her and yells, "Kin ya swaller?" The woman shakes her head no. "Kin ya breathe?"
The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no again. The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up the back of her dress yanks down her panties, and runs his tongue all over her butt cheeks in a circular motion.
The woman is so shocked, that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth. As she begins to breathe again, the redneck walks slowly back to the bar and takes a drink from his beer.
His partner says, "Ya know, I'd heard of that there hind-lick maneuver, but I ain't never seen nobody do it. |
|
|
| mdxxxx |
A rather confident man walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment.
The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"
"No", he replies, "I just bought this state-of-the-art watch and I was just testing it."
The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"
"It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me," he explains.
"What's it telling you now?"
"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties..."
The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken then because I am wearing panties!"
The man explains, "Damn thing must be an hour fast."
:2: |
|
|
| msu79gt82 |
Patron: Scotch on the rocks!
Barkeep: Any particular kind?
Patron: Chivas and igneous:1: |
|
|
| marktr6 |
> > Subject: Dear Tide,
> > >
> > I'm writing to say what an excellent product you have! I've used it
> > since the beginning of my married life, when my Mom told me it was
> > the best. Now that I am older and going through menopause, I find it
> > even better! In fact, about a month ago, I spilled some red wine on my
> > new white blouse. My unfeeling and uncaring husband started to berate
> > me about how clumsy Iwas and generally started becoming a pain in the
> > neck. One thing led to another and I ended up with a lot of his blood on
> > my white blouse.
> > I tried to get the stains out using a bargain detergent, but they just
> wouldn't
> > budge.
> > After a quick trip to the supermarket, I got a bottle of liquid Tide
> > with bleach alternative, and to my surprise and satisfaction, all of
> > the stains came out! In fact, the stains came out so well, that some
> > detectives who came by yesterday told me that the DNA tests were negative
> > and my attorney said that I would no longer be considered a suspect !
> > I thank you, once again, for having such a great product. Well, gotta go.
> > I have to write a letter to the Hefty bag people...
> >
> > Signed,
> > A relieved menopausal wife |
|
|
| DaleB |
Two Arabs boarded a shuttle out of Washington for New York. One sat in the window seat, the other in the middle seat. Just before takeoff a fat, little Israeli guy got on and took the aisle seat next to the Arabs. He kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Arab in the window seat said, "I think I'll go up and get a coke."
"No problem," said the Israeli. "I'll get it for you." While he was gone, the Arab picked up the Israeli's shoe and spit in it. When the Israeli returned with the coke, the other Arab said, "That looks good. I think I'll have one too."
Again, the Israeli obligingly went to fetch it, and while he is gone the Arab picked up the other shoe and spit in it. The Israeli returned with the coke, and they all sat back and enjoyed the short flight to New York.
As the plane was landing the Israeli slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened.
"How long must this go on between our peoples?" he asked..... "this hatred... this animosity... this spitting in shoes and peeing in cokes?" |
|
|
| DaleB |
A blonde decides to learn and try horse back riding unassisted without prior experience or lessons. She mounts the horse with great effort, and the tall, shiny horse springs into motion.
It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle. Out of shear terror, she grabs for the horse's mane but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly oblivious to its slipping rider.
Finally, giving up her frail grip, she leaps away from the horse to try and throw herself to safety.
Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup. She is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground again and again. As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness or even death when Frank, the Wal-Mart manager runs out to shut the horse off. |
|
|
| hammermdx |
Bill Clinton started jogging near his home in Chappaqua, NY.
But on each run, he happened to jog past a hooker standing on the same
street corner, day after day. With some apprehension he would brace
himself as he approached her for what was most certainly to follow.
"Fifty Dollars!" she would shout from the curb.
"No. Five Dollars!" fired back Clinton.
The ritual between Bill and the hooker continued for days. He'd run by
and she'd yell, "Fifty Dollars!" And he'd yell back, "Five Dollars!"
One day however, Hillary decided that she wanted to accompany her husband
on his jog. As the jogging couple neared the problematic street corner,
Bill realized the "pro" would bark her $50 offer and Hillary would wonder
what he'd really been doing on all his past outings. He realized he
should have a good explanation for the junior Senator.
As they jogged into the turn that would take them past the corner, Bill
became even more apprehensive than usual. Sure enough, there was the
hooker. Bill tried to avoid the prostitute's eyes as she watched the pair
jog past.
Then, from the sidewalk, the hooker yelled, "See what you get for five
bucks?" |
|
|
| hammermdx |
Words
A husband looking through the paper came upon a study that said women use more words than men. Excited to prove to his wife his long-held contention that women in general, and his wife in particular, talked too much, he showed her the study results, which stated:
Men use about 15,000 words per day, but women use 30,000. His wife thought awhile, then finally she said to her husband, "That's because we have to repeat everything we say."
The husband said, "What?" |
|
|
| marktr6 |
1. Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants.
2. Marriage changes passion. Suddenly you're in bed with a relative.
3. I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with "Guess" on it. So I said "Implants?" She hit me.
4. I don't do drugs. I get the same effect just standing up fast.
5. Sign in a Chinese Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea..."
6. I live in my own little world. But it's OK. They know me here.
7. I got a sweater for Christmas. I really wanted a screamer or a
moaner.
8. If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
9. I don't approve of political jokes. I've seen too many of them get elected.
10. There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and $hithead's.
11. I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
12. I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore, I am perfect.
13. Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I've stayed alive.
14. How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
15. Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?
16. Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.
17. Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words: "Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been!" |
|
|
| mdxxxx |
(True story)
A college student in a philosophy class was taking his first examination.
On the paper there was a single line which simply said: "Is this a question?" - Discuss.
After a short time he wrote: "If that is a question, then this is an answer."
The student received an "A" on the exam.
:2: |
|
|
| EXCALIBUR |
Three women were sitting around talking about their husbands'performance as a lover.
The first woman says "My Husband works as a marriage counsellor. He always buys me flowers and candy before we make love. I like that."
The second woman says, "My husband is a motorcycle mechanic. He likes to play rough and slaps me around sometimes. I kinda like that."
The third woman just shakes her head and says, "My husband works for Microsoft. He just sits on the edge of the bed and tells me how great it's going to be when I get it." |
|
|
|
