| ghm2112 |
quote:
Originally posted by msu79gt82
1) Never pass a urinal
2) Never ignore an erection
3) Never trust a fart
:21: :19: :claphead:
Bahahahaha! This definitely gets forwarded to my dad!
-Traveller:1: |
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| DaleB |
Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting back together, they discussed the gifts that they were able to give to their elderly mother.
The first said, "I built a big house for our mother."
The second said, "I sent her a Mercedes with a driver."
The third smiled and said, "I've got you both beat. You know how Mom enjoys the Bible and you know she can't see very well. I sent her a brown parrot that can recite the entire Bible. It took 20 monks in a monastery 12 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute $100,000 a year for 10 years, but it was worth it. Mom just has to name the chapter and verse and the parrot will recite it."
Soon thereafter, Mom sent out her letters of thanks: She wrote the first son, "Milton, the house you built is so huge I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house."
She wrote the second son, "Marvin,I am too old to travel I stay home all the time, so I never use the Mercedes. And the driver is so rude!"
She wrote the third son, "Dearest Melvin,you were the only son to have the good sense to know what your mother likes. The chicken was delicious!!!!!" |
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| bbalestier |
| Woke me up!:bonk: |
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| BlueStreak |
For Christmas I got a new state-of-the-art, Sony car stereo.
It has hands free control.
If I yell - "Classic" it plays classical music.
If I yell - "Country" it plays country music.
If I yell - "Rock" it plays rock & roll.
Yesterday 2 kids ran infront of me and I almost wrecked my car.
I yelled "F**king Kids"- it played Michael Jackson. |
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| EXCALIBUR |
Nina and Liz are having a conversation during there lunch break. Nina asks, "So, Liz, how's your sex life these days?"
Liz replies, "Oh, you know. It's the usual, Social Security kind."
"Social Security?" Nina asked quizzically.
"Yeah, you get a little each month, but it's not enough to live on." |
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| EXCALIBUR |
There was a cucumber, a pickle, and a penis sitting around talking about how their lives sucked.
The cucumber "Man, my life sucks. When I get big, fat, and juicy, they cut me up and stick me on a salad."
The pickle looks at him and says, "You think you have it bad? When I get big, fat, and juicy, they stick me in vinegar, put spices on me, and stick me in a jar."
The penis looks at him and says, "You think you have it rough? When I get big, fat, and juicy, they stick a rubber tarp on my head, stick me in a dark room, and bang my head against the wall until I throw up and pass out!." |
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| msu79gt82 |
To those of us who have children in our lives, whether they are our own, grandchildren, nieces, nephews, or students...here is something to make you chuckle.
Whenever your children are out of control, you can take comfort from the thought that even God's omnipotence did not extend to His own children. After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve. And the first thing he said was "DON'T!"
"Don't what?" Adam replied.
"Don't eat the forbidden fruit." God said.
"Forbidden fruit? We have forbidden fruit? Hey Eve...we have forbidden fruit!!!!!"
"No Way!"
"Yes way!"
"Do NOT eat the fruit!" said God.
"Why"
"Because I am your Father and I said so!" God replied, wondering why He hadn't stopped creation after making the elephants. A few minutes later, God saw His children having an apple break and He was ticked!
"Didn't I tell you not to eat the fruit?" God asked.
"Uh huh," Adam replied.
"Then why did you?" said the Father.
"I don't know," said Eve.
"She started it!" Adam said
"Did not!"
"Did too!"
"DID NOT!"
Having had it with the two of them, God's punishment was that Adam and Eve should have children of their own. Thus the pattern was set and it has never changed.
BUT THERE IS REASSURANCE IN THE STORY!
If you have persistently and lovingly tried to give children wisdom and they haven't taken it, don't be hard on yourself. If God had trouble raising children, what makes you think it would be a piece of cake for you?
THINGS TO THINK ABOUT!
1. You spend the first two years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next sixteen telling them to sit down and shut up.
2. Grandchildren are God's reward for not killing your own children.
3. Mothers of teens now know why some animals eat their young.
4. Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said.
5. The main purpose of holding children's parties is to remind yourself that there are children more awful than your own.
6. We childproofed our homes, but they are still getting in.
ADVICE FOR THE DAY: Be nice to your kids. They will choose your nursing home one day.
AND FINALLY: IF YOU HAVE A LOT OF TENSION AND YOU GET A HEADACHE, DO WHAT IT SAYS ON THE ASPIRIN BOTTLE:
"TAKE TWO ASPIRIN" AND "KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN" |
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| EXCALIBUR |
A woman awakes during the night, and her husband isn’t in bed with her. She goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee. "What's the matter, dear?" she asks. "Why are you down here at this time of night?"
The husband looks up from his coffee, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 16?" he asks solemnly.
"Yes, I do," she replies.
"Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car making love?"
"Yes, I remember," says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.
The husband continues, "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I'll send you to jail for 20 years?’"
"I remember that, too," she replies softly.
He wipes another tear from his cheek and says, "I would have gotten out today." |
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| bomo |
Q: Why is President Bush so certain Saddam Hussein had weapons of mass destruction?
A: Because he has the receipt. |
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| bbalestier |
quote:
Originally posted by EXCALIBUR
A woman awakes during the night, and her husband isn’t in bed with her. She goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee. "What's the matter, dear?" she asks. "Why are you down here at this time of night?"
The husband looks up from his coffee, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 16?" he asks solemnly.
"Yes, I do," she replies.
"Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car making love?"
"Yes, I remember," says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.
The husband continues, "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I'll send you to jail for 20 years?’"
"I remember that, too," she replies softly.
He wipes another tear from his cheek and says, "I would have gotten out today."
:xnuts:
You are good!
Peace. |
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| DaleB |
quote:
Originally posted by mdxxxx
:cool: :2:
:19: :2: |
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| bbalestier |
quote:
Originally posted by mdxxxx
:cool: :2:
:21: AWESOME.
Even when your a audio engineer like myself.
Thank You. |
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| zafer |
Walking through the woods a man comes upon another man hugging a tree with his ear firmly against the tree. Seeing this he inquires, "Just out of curiosity, what the hell are you doing?"
"I'm listening to the music of the tree."
"You gotta be kiddin' me."
"No ,would you like to give it a try?"
"Well, OK..."
So he wraps his arms around the tree and presses his ear up against the tree. With this the other guy slaps a set of hand cuffs on him, takes his wallet jewelry, car keys, then strips him naked and leaves. Two hours later another nature lover strolls by, sees this guy hand cuffed to the tree, stark naked and asked, "What the hell happened to you?"
He tells the guy the whole story about how he got there, but while he was doing so the guy shakes his head in sympathy, walks around behind him, kisses him behind the ear and says, "This just isn't your day, is it?" |
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| Sir P |
| This post is only to show the simplicity of men, not to make fun of women! :) |
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| kimsta |
A man is lying in bed in the hospital with an oxygen mask over his mouth. A young nurse appears to sponge his hands and feet.
"Nurse", he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, I'm only here to wash your hands and feet" He struggles again to ask, "Nurse, are my testicles black ?"
Finally, she pulls back the covers, raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in her other hand and takes a close look, and says, "There's nothing wrong with them!"
Finally, the man pulls off his oxygen mask and replies," That was very nice but, are... my... test...results...back?" |
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| remydog |
quote:
Originally posted by Sir P
Kind eyes
Freightening. |
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| remydog |
quote:
Originally posted by kimsta
A man is lying in bed in the hospital with an oxygen mask over his mouth. A young nurse appears to sponge his hands and feet.
"Nurse", he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, I'm only here to wash your hands and feet" He struggles again to ask, "Nurse, are my testicles black ?"
Finally, she pulls back the covers, raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in her other hand and takes a close look, and says, "There's nothing wrong with them!"
Finally, the man pulls off his oxygen mask and replies," That was very nice but, are... my... test...results...back?"
Excellent!
:2: |
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| EXCALIBUR |
Three women were sitting around throwing back a few drinks and talking about their sex lives.
Karen said, "I call my husband the dentist because nobody can drill like he does."
Joanne giggled and confessed, "I call my husband the miner because of his incredible shaft."
Kathy quietly sipped her whiskey until Joanne finally asked, "Well, what do you call your boyfriend?"
Kathy frowned and said, "The postman."
"Why the postman?" asked Joanne.
"Because, he always delivers late and half the time it's in the wrong box." |
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| mdxxxx |
A physician, an engineer, and an attorney were discussing who among them belonged to the oldest of the three professions represented. The physician said, "Remember, on the sixth day God took a rib from Adam and fashioned Eve, making him the first surgeon. Therefore, medicine is the oldest profession."
The engineer replied, "But, before that, God created the heavens and earth from chaos and confusion, and thus he was the first engineer. Therefore, engineering is an older profession than medicine."
Then, the lawyer spoke up. "Yes," he said, "But who do you think created all of the chaos and confusion?"
:2: |
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| msu79gt82 |
| I prefer UP:cool: |
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| msu79gt82 |
| Some like it hot:9: |
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| EXCALIBUR |
A general store owner hires a young female clerk with a penchant for very short skirts. One day a young man enters the store, glances at the clerk, and glances at the loaves of bread behind the counter. "I`d like some raisin bread, please," the man says politely.
The clerk nods and climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread, located on the very top shelf. The man, standing almost directly beneath her, is provided with an excellent view. As the clerk retrieves the bread, a small group of male customers gather around the young man, looking in the same direction.
Pretty soon each person is asking for raisin bread, just to see the clerk climb up and down. After a few trips the clerk is tired and irritated. She stops and fumes at the top of the ladder, glaring at the men standing below.
She notices an elderly man standing amongst the throng. "Is yours raisin too?" the clerk yells testily.
"No," croaks the feeble old man.... "But it's startin' to twitch." |
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| kimsta |
A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly
dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of
dollars for dinner.
The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead?"
"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.
"Will you use it to gamble instead of buying food?" the man asked.
"No, I don't gamble," the homeless man said. "I need everything I can get
just to stay alive."
"Will you spend this on greens fees at a golf course instead of food?" the
man asked.
"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years!"
"Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district instead of
food?" the man asked.
"What disease would I get for ten lousy bucks?!!" exclaimed the homeless man.
"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm
going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."
The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for
doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting."
The man replied, "That's okay. I just want her to see what a man looks
like who's given up beer, gambling, golf, and sex." |
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| msu79gt82 |
quote:
Originally posted by kimsta
The man replied, "That's okay. I just want her to see what a man looks like who's given up beer, gambling, golf, and sex."
:2: ROFLMAO:21: |
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| ByeByeChrysler |
What's the difference between a Catholic wife and a Jewish
wife?
A Catholic wife has real orgasms and fake jewellery. |
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| Maik |
SENIOR DRIVING
As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone
rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him,
"Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the
wrong way on Interstate 77. Please be careful!" "Hell," said
Herman, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!" |
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| BaldEagle |
An old man, a boy and a donkey were going to town. The boy
rode on the donkey and the old man walked. As they went
along they passed some people who remarked it was a shame
the old man was walking and the boy was riding. The old man
and the boy thought that maybe the critics were right, so
they changed places. Later, they passed some more people
that remarked, "What a shame he makes that little boy walk."
They then decided they both would walk. Soon they passed
some more people who thought they were stupid to walk when
they had a decent donkey to ride.
So, they both rode the donkey. Now they passed some more
people that shamed them by saying how awful to see such a
load on a poor donkey.
The boy and the man said they were probably right, so they
decided to carry the donkey. As they crossed a bridge, they
lost their grip on the animal and he fell into the river
and drowned. The moral of the story?
If you try to please everyone, you might as well kiss your
ass good-bye. |
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| BaldEagle |
A woman was in a coma. Nurses were in her room giving her a sponge bath.
One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a response on the monitor when she touched her.
They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him, "Crazy as this sounds, maybe a little oral sex will do the trick and bring her out of the coma."
The husband was skeptical, but they assured him that they'd close the curtains for privacy.
The hubby finally agreed and went into his wife's room.
After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart rate. The nurses ran into the room. The husband was standing there, pulling up his pants, and said, "I think she choked." |
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| srpbep |
| New World's Record ... Link didn't work for me ... Am I the only one experiencing difficulty? |
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| Blackura |
| Dead for me too. |
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| DaleB |
| That forum looks grim....well, all things considered. |
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| ghm2112 |
MOST excellent...:D
I've been around this board from pretty early on but can't remember that ever happening here. Says quite a bit about the differences in 'board attendees.'
-Traveller:1: |
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| zafer |
:19:
In college in Boca a mechanic tried to pull a fast one on me when I had an old Lincoln. He said it might need a new flux capacitor. I asked how much? I think he said around $800. I said forget about it, I'm not going back to the future. I wonder if him and LongDuckDong are relatives? |
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| DaleB |
| Something even politicians can understand! :cool: |
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| zafer |
quote:
Originally posted by DaleB
Something even politicians can understand! :cool:
What the heck is going on with Elmo and the sheep?? :eek: |
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| DaleB |
quote:
Originally posted by zafer
What the heck is going on with Elmo and the sheep?? :eek:
damn, kind a wondered myself. Should have known someone else would notice. Will replace it after a bit of subtle editing. Done. |
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| EXCALIBUR |
A man and his wife are returning from holiday, while on holiday they decided to buy themselves some pets, he bought a snake while the woman got a skunk.
As they are passing through airport control they notice a sign which says
"NO ANIMALS WILL BE ALLOWED THROUGH QUARANTINE"
Slightly distressed the woman turns to her husband and asks what they should do. After thinking hard for 5 minutes the man come up with a plan
"what I'll do is tie the snake around my waist and try to pretend that it's a snake skin belt"
"Yes" the woman replies "but what about the skunk?"
"I don't know, you'll just have to hide it up your skirt"
"but what about the smell?" the woman asks.
To which the man replies "Look, if it dies it dies!" |
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| zafer |
He was sitting quietly reading his paper when his wife walked up behind him and whacked him on the head with a rolled up magazine.
"Ouch!! What was that for?" he asked.
"That was for the piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Mary Lou written on it," she replied.
"Two weeks ago when I went to the races, Mary Lou was the name of one of the horses I bet on," he explained.
"Oh honey, I'm so sorry," she said. "I should have known there was a good explanation."
Three days later he was watching a ball game on TV when she walked up and hit him in the head again, this time with an iron skillet, which knocked him out cold.
When he came too, he asked, "Now what was that for?"
She replied, "Your horse called". |
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| marktr6 |
| New Baby Food Product |
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| msu79gt82 |
Have you heard about the next planned "Survivor" show?
Survivor in the Real World
Three businessmen and three businesswomen will be dropped in an elementary school classroom for 6 weeks. Each business person will be provided with a copy of his/her school district's curriculum, and a class of 28 students.
Each class will have five learning-disabled children, three with A.D.D., one gifted child, and two who speak limited English. Three will be labeled with severe behavior problems. Each businessperson must complete lesson plans at least 3 days in advance with annotations for curriculum objectives and modify, organize, or create materials accordingly.
They will be required to teach students, handle misconduct, implement technology, document attendance, write referrals, correct homework, make bulletin boards, compute grades, complete report cards, document benchmarks, communicate with parents, and arrange parent conferences.
They must also supervise recess and monitor the hallways. In addition, they will complete drills for fire, tornadoes, and shooting attacks. They must attend workshops, (100 hours), faculty meetings, union meetings, and curriculum development meetings.
They must also tutor those students who are behind and strive to get their 2 non-English speaking children proficient enough to take the EXCET and TAKS tests.
If they are sick or having a bad day they must not let it show. Each day they must incorporate reading, writing, math, science, and social studies into the program. They must maintain discipline and provide an educationally stimulating environment at all times.
The business people will only have access to the golf course on the weekends, but on their new salary they will not be able to afford it anyway. There will be no access to vendors who want to take them out to lunch, and lunch will be limited to 30 minutes.
On days when they do not have recess duty, the business people will be permitted to use the staff restroom as long as another survivor candidate is supervising their class.
They will be provided with two 40-minute planning periods per week while their students are at specials. If the copier is operable, they may make copies of necessary materials at this time. The business people must continually advance their education on their own time and pay for this advanced training themselves. This can be ccomplished by moonlighting at a second job or marrying someone with money.
The winner will be allowed to return to his or her job. |
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| remydog |
quote:
Originally posted by msu79gt82
Have you heard about the next planned "Survivor" show?
Looks to me like the script for "The Apprentice" with the Donald!
MSK |
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| ByeByeChrysler |
A man named Mike went over to his friend's house and rang the bell. His friend's wife, Nora, answered the door.
"Hi, is Tony home?" he asked her.
"No, he went to the store."
"Well, you mind if I wait?"
"No, come on in."
They sat down and shortly Mike said, "You know, Nora, you have the greatest breasts I have ever seen. I'd give you a hundred bucks if I could see just one."
Nora thought about this for a second, and thought about how badly they needed the money right now. She opened her robe and exposed one. Mike promptly thanked her and put $100 on the table.
They sat there a while longer, and Mike said, "They are so beautiful! I'd love to see the both of them. I'll give you another 100 bucks if I could just see both of them together."
Nora thought about this for a moment, then opened her robe and gave Mike a nice big look. Mike thanked her and threw another $100 on the table. Then he said he couldn't wait any longer for Tony and left.
A while later, Tony arrived and Nora said, "You know, your weird friend Mike came over while you were gone."
Tony turned and said, "Good. Did he drop off the $200 he owed me?" |
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| mdxxxx |
A baby was born so advanced in development he could talk. He looked around the delivery room and saw the doctor.
"Are you my doctor?" he asked.
"Why, yes, I am," said the doctor.
The baby said, "Thank you for taking such good care of me during the birth."
He looked at his mother and asked, "Are you my mother?"
"Yes, dear, I am," said the mother, beaming. "Thank you for taking such good care of me before I was born," he said.
He then looked at his father and asked, "Are you my father?" "Yes, I am," his father proudly answered.
The baby motioned him closer, then poked him repeatedly on the
forehead with his index finger. "Hurts,doesn't it!?"
:2: |
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| msu79gt82 |
In a city park stood two statues, one female and the other male.
For many years the two statues faced each other. One morning an angel
appeared before the statues and said: "Since you've both been exemplary
statues and brought enjoyment to many people I am granting you your
greatest wish. For 30 minutes, I grant you the gift of life. You can do
whatever you desire..."
With that command, the statues came to life. The two statues smiled at
each other, ran toward some nearby woods, and dove behind a couple of
bushes.
The angel smiled to himself as he listened to the two statues giggling,
bushes rustling and twigs snapping. After fifteen minutes, the two
statues emerged from the bushes, satisfied and smiling.
Puzzled, the angel looked at his watch and asked the statues, "You
still have fifteen minutes. Would you like to continue?"
The male statue looked at the female and asked, "Do you want to do it
again?"
Smiling, the female statue said, "Sure. But this time YOU hold the
pigeon down and I'LL sh!t on its head." |
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| greatscot |
quote:
Originally posted by mdxxxx
:2:
Hilarious and very approriate for the field I'm in. Thanks.
A young man named John received a parrot as a gift.
The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out
of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity.
John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently
saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could
think of to "clean up" the bird's vocabulary.
Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot.
The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even
ruder. John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put
him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and
screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a
minute. Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to
the freezer.
The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said "I
believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm
sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend
to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior."
John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. As he was about to
ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the
bird continued, "May I ask what the turkey did?" |
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| pbj |
Picking a Wife
A man is dating three women and wants to decide which to marry.
He decides to give them a test.
He gives each woman a present of $5,000
and watches to see what they do with the money.
The first does a total make over. She goes to a fancy beauty salon,
gets her hair done, new make up and buys several new Outfits
and dresses up very nicely for the man.
She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much.
The man was impressed.
The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts.
She gets him new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer,
and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts,
she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much.
Again, the man is impressed.
The third invests the money in the stock market.
She earns several times the $5,000.
She gives him back his $5000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account.
She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much.
Obviously, the man was impressed.
The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her.
Then he married the one with the biggest b**bs.
Men are like that, you know. |
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| msu79gt82 |
| We know this guy's priorities ;) |
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| cardingtr |
Welcome pbj!:welcome:
At least we know what you want on your first post. |
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| hammermdx |
This is the best lawyer story of the year, decade, and probably the century.
A Charlotte, NC, lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars, then insured them against fire among other things. Within a month having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars and without yet having made even his first premium payment on the policy, the lawyer filed a claim against the insurance company. In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost "in a series of small fires." The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason: that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion.
The lawyer sued ... and won! In delivering the ruling, the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous. The Judge stated, nevertheless, that the lawyer held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without defining what is considered to be unacceptable fire, and was obligated to pay the claim. Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to the lawyer for his loss of the rare cigars lost in the "fires."
NOW FOR THE BEST PART ... After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!!!! With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine. This is a true story and was the 1st place winner in the recent Criminal Lawyers Award Contest. ONLY IN AMERICA!! NO WONDER THIRD WORLD COUNTRIES THINK WE'RE NUTS!! |
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| marktr6 |
Subject: Bubba and Billy Bob
Bubba and Billy Bob, who are from Tennessee, travel to Kentucky to visit a relative. They are walking along the street, and they see a sign on a store which reads,
"Suits $5.00 each, shirts $2.00 each, trousers $2.50 per pair."
Bubba says to his pal, "Billy Bob, "Look here! We could buy a whole gob of these, take 'em back to Tennessee, sell 'em to our friends, and make a fortune. Now when we go in there, you be quiet, okay? Just let me do the talkin' 'cause if they hear your accent, they might think we're ignorant, and not wanna sell that stuff to us. Now, I'll talk in a slow Kentucky drawl so's they don't know."
They go in and Bubba says with his best fake Kentucky drawl, "I'll
take 50 of them suits at $5.00 each, 100 of them there shirts at $2.00 each, and 50 pairs of them there trousers at $2.50 each. I'll back up my pickup and ............"
The owner of the shop interrupts, "Ya'll are from Tennessee,
ain't you?"
"Well...yeah," says a surprised Bubba.........
"How come you know that?"
The owner says, "Because this is a dry-cleaners." |
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| DaleB |
| Bare your teeth, and what else? |
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| phins2rt |
this just in...:2:
A spokesman for the Devil anounced the arrival of Hamas founder Sheik Ahmed Yassin today , he was promptly granted 72 Virgins but however can not satisfy any of them.
He is also being tortured by his first wife. |
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| Gladiator |
| Why marriage isn't all it's cracked up to be.. |
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| oceanMDX |
THREE MEN -- ONE GERMAN, ONE JAPANESE AND A HILLBILLY -- WERE SITTING
NAKED IN A SAUNA.
SUDDENLY THERE WAS A BEEPING SOUND. THE GERMAN PRESSED HIS FOREARM AND
THE
BEEP STOPPED. THE OTHERS LOOKED AT HIM QUESTIONINGLY.
"THAT WAS MY PAGER," HE SAID. " I HAVE A MICROCHIP UNDER THE SKIN OF MY
ARM."
A FEW MINUTES LATER, A PHONE RANG. THE JAPANESE FELLOW LIFTED HIS PALM
TO
HIS EAR.
WHEN HE FINISHED, HE EXPLAINED, "THAT WAS MY MOBILE PHONE. I HAVE A
MICROCHIP IN MY HAND."
THE HILLBILLY FELT DECIDEDLY LOW TECH. NOT TO BE OUTDONE, HE DECIDED HE
HAD TO DO SOMETHING JUST AS IMPRESSIVE.
HE STEPPED OUT OF THE SAUNA AND WENT TO THE BATHROOM. HE RETURNED WITH
A
PIECE OF TOILET PAPER HANGING FROM HIS BEHIND.
THE OTHERS RAISED THEIR EYEBROWS AND STARED AT HIM.
THE HILLBILLY FINALLY SAID, "WELL, WILL YOU LOOK AT THAT. I'M GETTING A
FAX." |
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| phins2rt |
| BEETSVILLE, OH – After a tragic communication mixup, Flossie Mongo devoured her husband of 30 years, Lester. "I asked my doctor if I should get on that Atkins diet and lose weight by eating meat. He just got all serious-like and said -- and I'm quoting now -- ‘Just eat Les.' At least that's what I thought he said. Now he claims there was a silent s on the end of Les." Mrs. Mongo explained that her husband had been riding her hard to follow whatever orders the doctor gave her for losing weight. "He was a real hard ass. I mean literally, I could hardly chew threw it." After a net gain of nearly 150 pounds in one day, Mrs. Mongo admits her other big mistake: "I should have spaced it out. That was way too much for one meal. But I worked up quite an appetite with all the stabbing and sawing. You have no idea." She adds, wistfully, "I'll miss him, but quiet is good too." |
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| ByeByeChrysler |
Who Is Jack Schitt?
> > >
> > >
> > > For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack
> > > Schitt?
We
> > >find ourselves at a loss when someone says, "You don't know Jack
Schitt!"
> > >Well, thanks to my genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an
> > >intellectual way.
> > > Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt. Awe Schitt, the
> > >fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N.
> > >Schitt,
> Inc.
> > >They had one son, Jack.
> > >
> > > In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply
> > > religious
> couple
> > >produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt,
> > >Bull Schitt, and the twins Deap Schitt and Dip Schitt. Against her
> > >parents' objections, Deap Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school
> > >dropout.
> > >
> > > After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced.
> > >Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and, because her kids were
> > >living
with
> > >them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as
> > >Noe Schitt Sherlock.
> > >
> > > Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced
> > > a
son
> > >with a rather nervous disposition named Chicken Schitt. Two of the
other
> > >six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable
> > >throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers
> > >in a dual
> ceremony.
> > >The wedding a | | | |
